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the cat is out of the bag...finally

Old 06-10-2007, 07:08 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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He won't get raped, that' a load of bull. You need to take what he says with a grain of salt. My AH once read a book that referred to his addiction as "a beast" or rather an animal with no feelings or conscious. Perhaps if you think of your AH as an animal, backed into a corner, who will kill to get out of it, it will be easier to realize what he is trying to do to you.

You speak of his manipulation, but let me say this:

Do you realize you are also manipulating?

How often have you said, "I think it's best if he.." "I dont think jail is the right place for him..." "He needs...." "If I tell his parents that He has to live with them..." "I'll allow the kids visitation...."

That is a codie brand of manipulation, trying to control outcomes, so we stay in control. The problem is, we aren't control and never have been and never will be of ANYONE but ourselves. And when our attempts to manipulate the outcomes continutally fail, we live in constant insanity, fear, doubt and anger.

Pretend you are your best friend. What would you tell her? To drop the R.O. so her husband doesn't have to "suffer" in jail? Or that Jail isn't so bad, that many addicts have seen the light when they go to jail, that at least he'll have a roof over his head and three square meals a day?

As far as how his parents feel, that isn't up to you? What makes you think it is? You have no rights on how they feel. You have no control over it. And as far as the kids well....I told my son that Daddy was sick and needed to live in a different house to try and get better, when he went to rehab. I didn't spell it all out for him but told him t he basics in terms he understood.

Hugs, now start getting some help for yourself or you WILL just keep writing the same threads over and over and you WILL just be running in circles.
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Old 06-10-2007, 08:50 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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DW,

I agree with BigSis... have you found a meeting you can go to? I have been in a very similar situation as yours. Once I put the focus on myself and my recovery, I got better. IT got better. I learned about setting and maintaining boundaries that worked for me. I learned to let go of other people and their stuff, and to allow them the dignity of their own choices and to experience the joy of their own consequences.

Again, I've been where you are. Al Anon saved my life. Pure and simple.

Hugs
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Old 06-10-2007, 09:13 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Excellent advice from people who have been there. I vote to keep the restraining order too. You dont need to tattle on him but I see no reason to keep secrets. If he doesnt want people to hear bad things about him then he shouldnt do bad things.

Elvis has been in the pokey for a while now so I know about these things.. Rape just doesnt happen every day like you see on OZ. First of all there are lots of men who like to have sex with other men and will do it for free and/or a pack of cigs. And second they dont mix security levels. prisoners are segregated according to how dangerous they are. The really nasty people arent even in the same buildings.

As I said before my prospective is from a childs point of view so this is just my opinion. But I think when you allow yourself to be abused and encourage people to treat you badly that you are practicing child abuse. Youre teaching them that its okay to abuse and be abused. Is this the example you want to set.

Maybe Im not seeing this right. Again this is just my opinion from what I read in your posts. But I see someone who doesnt want to take responsibility for themselves. And that someone is you.

Im sorry if Ive come across as harsh but I see my Mother in you. I cant go back and shake some sense into her so Im trying to poke you a little. Ive ridden that ride your kids are riding. It made me sick. Im still trying to recover. <pick a smilie>
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Old 06-10-2007, 09:13 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Wife,
My oldest son was sent tp prison 3 times.
This last time, he had a lightbulb moment, and
today he is sober.
My youngest son spent 90 days in prison.
Today he is sober.

Stay strong, he is attempting to manipulate
your being "Nice", and "Compassionate"




And my son after being in THREE times NEVER mentioned anyone being raped.
He did mention a few good fights, but nothing else.

Hugs, and stay strong, and get to some meetings.
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Old 06-10-2007, 09:52 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Wife,
Please protect your children. I don't feel you should take off the RO. If he gets mad because you told his dad what is going on, God only knows how he will react. He can hurt you and your children. Don't worry about protecting him, he chose to do what he is doing, your children did not chose it for him.
They are the inocent victims in all this craziness.
Please get some help for yourself, talk to someone you can trust and who understands addiction. If you can't afford to get help, go to someone at a church etc for help.
Good luck,
Hugs and prayers coming your way
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Old 06-10-2007, 11:43 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Am just enclosing the 2 things that always impact me the most written by 2 of our members, and forgive me if you've read em already...but I cannot read em enough




You can't make me clean

I know it is what you want for me to be, but until I want it - I won't be.

You can't love me clean ...because until I learn to love myself. I won't be.

I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experience ... I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.

I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.

You see although I look and sound like your loved one. Me, the person .. is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is a addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. The main focus of a addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of helping me *the person* falls prey to my addict giving more power to the addiction to shackel down *the person in me .. a little more each time.

I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me.


The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free .. to fall as far as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight back and break free.

How can or will I ever be able to get clean.

The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF

By allowing me to reach 'rock bottom' you move over and allow me to find the my own way back .. It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself .. it is in the fight that I learn to love myself .. the more I love myself the more I will do to better myself.

I am aware that when I use I am playing russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.

Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't get in if you are blocking the entrance ...

Please for the sake of the person in me .. move out of the way .. and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom .. and pray for me that when I do hit .. that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that .. be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.

Passion
Recovering Addict



What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
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Old 06-10-2007, 02:43 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Exclamation

Drainedwife,

I was just thinking of your situation and I looked back at your first couple of threads to get a better idea of what is going on-here is what you said back in march that alarmed me...

[Quote]
am i being verbally abused when my ah calls me crazy for saying i found drugs in the house...i feel as if i am..i know i saw what i saw....
he says im crazy, out of my mind, i need help...etc.

also, when he curses at me...when he tells me to get out and closes the door in my face, when he wakes me up in the middle of the night to tell me what he is upset about and then tells me he hates me and calls me names....

physical abuse --when he grabs me by the arm...and has put his hands around my neck

emotional - intimidates me by yelling and talking in my face....

my problem is i think i may either be addicted or i am just too scared to get out of this relationship. too scared to be alone and too scared to go tghrough the process, not knowing what he might do. [Quote]


This is all very bad, especially when added together....

You said he grabs your neck. THIS IS THE PART that alarmed me the most...

Here in MN they made it a FELONY to grab someone's neck...PERIOD.

The reason is that stragulation is one of the most common ways to KILL someone. A person can even die 2 days after being strangled if the neck keeps swelling...!!!

Your husband can consider himself lucky if he only goes to jail....in some states he has already committed a felony.

This man is more abusive than I realized. Stop being scared of him and HATE him, it will make it easier for you to do what you need to do.

Also you said you are afraid of being alone. I have felt that way too. But being alone in peace is sooooo much better than danger and chaos. Being lonely is temporary, but abuse just gets worse.....

You WILL make it on your own. It will help you build your self-confidence back up that he has torn down.

Change is scary, but it will help you grow and it is the ONLY way to improve things.
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Old 06-10-2007, 02:54 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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I found this artical. I think it's worth a read. You may not think your children are aware of the abuse that's being done to you by their father.........but you'd be suprised what they know already.


Women who are battered often go to extreme and courageous lengths to protect their children from an abusive
partner. In fact, research has shown that the non-abusing parent is often the strongest protective factor in the
lives of children who are exposed to domestic violence. However, growing up in a violent home may be a
terrifying and traumatic experience that can affect every aspect of a child’s life, growth, and development. In
spite of this, we know that when properly identified and addressed, the effects of domestic violence on children
can be mitigated.
• The U.S. Advisory Board on Child Abuse suggests that domestic violence may be the single
major precursor to child abuse and neglect fatalities in this country.i
• Studies suggest that between 3.3 and 10 million children are exposed to domestic violence
annually.ii
• In a national survey of more than 6,000 American families, 50 percent of the men who
frequently assaulted their wives also frequently abused their children.iii
• Slightly more than half of female victims of intimate violence live in households with children
under age 12.iv
• Men who as children were exposed to their parents' domestic violence are twice as likely to
abuse their own wives than sons of nonviolent parents.v
• One study of 2,245 children and teenagers found that recent exposure to violence in the home
was a significant factor in predicting a child’s violent behavior.vi
• Children who are exposed to domestic violence are more likely to exhibit behavioral and
physical health problems including depression, anxiety, and violence towards peers.vii They
are also more likely to attempt suicide, abuse drugs and alcohol, run away from home, engage
in teenage prostitution, and commit sexual assault crimes. viii
• A recent study of low-income pre-school children in Michigan found that nearly half (46.7
percent) of the children in the study had been exposed to at least one incident of mild or severe
violence in the family. Children who had been exposed to violence suffered symptoms of
post-traumatic stress disorder, such as bed-wetting or nightmares, and were at greater risk than
their peers of having allergies, asthma, gastrointestinal problems, headaches and flu.ix
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Old 06-10-2007, 02:57 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by raerae6 View Post
am i being verbally abused when my ah calls me crazy for saying i found drugs in the house...i feel as if i am..i know i saw what i saw....
he says im crazy, out of my mind, i need help...etc.

also, when he curses at me...when he tells me to get out and closes the door in my face, when he wakes me up in the middle of the night to tell me what he is upset about and then tells me he hates me and calls me names....

physical abuse --when he grabs me by the arm...and has put his hands around my neck

emotional - intimidates me by yelling and talking in my face....

my problem is i think i may either be addicted or i am just too scared to get out of this relationship. too scared to be alone and too scared to go tghrough the process, not knowing what he might do.

Drained,
I had forgotten you mentioned this before. Honey, if he does this in front of your children what does that teach them? How do you think they feel seeing their father treat their mom that way? To h*ll with how he feels, IMO your children are FAR better off with him out of the picture, and if that means jail.. so be it. How do you think they would feel if one day he put his hands on your neck and killed you??? You really need to protect YOU and YOUR KIDS. I'm sorry, but once a man has abused you...protecting HIS feelings is the last thing you should be doing. I've been there, I know how hard it is to leave.. but I also know how much better it can be not living in fear. When my abusive exabf(my son's father) threw me against a wall while I was pregnant that was it for me.. I no longer gave a sh*t how he felt, I finally was able to admit to what my best friends had been telling me for months- the man was slowly killing me, sooner or later I'd be dead. The fear of being alone was nothing compared to the fear of being killed at the hands of someone I loved, someone who supposedly loved me...
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Old 06-10-2007, 03:32 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Keep the RO in place. This is not about just you or him. There are children involved and you need to be strong to protect them. Said with love and concern. Hugs, Marle
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Old 06-10-2007, 08:39 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
so he contacted you and violated the restraining order and they did nothing???
my ah got caught violating it once and they told him the next time its no bail and he goes to county jail...which is a big thing for us..its in a bad area and filled with not so great company...
Well, not exactly. He had to go to court on the contempt motions (which are a criminal offense), but after I waited for over a month for that hearing, it was postponed due to 'scheduling conflicts' and was rescheduled for the end of June.

So it isn't over yet, but the result that I wanted-being left completely alone-was acheived anyway for some reason. I think maybe seeing me and both of our adult sons standing together ready to testify against him had some impact......

I didn't exactly WANT him to go to jail, either, but I had to come to terms with the fact that it wasn't me that was 'putting' him in jail, it was him and his out of control behavior.

Most importantly to me, I came to the realization that if he did in fact have to spend some time behind bars, then that was what God had planned for him because of his behavior, and I have no business stepping in between him and God.
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Old 06-11-2007, 01:29 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Loves

Thanks for posting all that valuable info and for helping me get my point across better. THATS what Ive been trying to say.

Wife

You dont have to listen to me but you really should listen to the others. You really ARE in danger. And you dont need him to take care of you. Youre perfectly capable of taking care of yourself.

Also I think you should know I dont think Ive ever really forgiven my Mother for putting me thru hell just so she wouldnt have to be alone.
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Old 06-11-2007, 01:47 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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sorry i'm so late on this, i think you have gotten great advice before me and just want to let you know that you are still in my prayers
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