Things have changed,but now what?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 43
Things have changed,but now what?
I first found this site in December of 2005. I was watching my husband spiral out of control with his DOC, crack. The bills were coming faster than the money to pay them. I had a 6 mos old son, who really didn't know his father, because he was always out using. I came looking for answers,for help, for understanding. And I found them. The things I learned, and the people I met, gave me the strength I needed to look inside myself for the answers. I told my husband to leave in April 2006.
In June 2006 he had a short stint in rehab for 30 days, relasped 1 week after signing himself out. He stayed with us on and off until November,when my father finally had enough,and told him he could not come back. During this time he tested my boundries, and my patience. And he continued his downward spiral. By December of 2006, I was ready to file the papers needed to separate myself from this madness. I had had ample time to think about what would be best for myself and my son. I had already grieved for the man I had loved and lost, no longer willing to try to fight something I didn't cause, couldn't control, couldn't cure. I was ready to let go, pick up the pieces, and move on.
The call came New Years Eve. He was crying, begging me to come and get him. He was done, he couldn't take it any more. He had been consistently using since Christmas Day. I went to get him.
He signed into a rehab on January 4, 2007. He said that this time is different. He wants to be a husband, and a father. I took it for what it was worth, which was nothing, coming from someone who had made too many promises he was unwilling or unable to keep.
He has been clean for 6 months now. He will not graduate from rehab until August 2007. He has a plan of action as far as a job, and what tools he will need to help him keep his recovery in place. He has gained weight, is healthy, is working hard to be a good father. He revels in our sons every new experience, and is saddened and regretful of everything he has missed. He is also trying to be a good husband, and fully expects to pick up where we left off.
This is where my confusion and indecision comes in. I have already mourned for this man, and our marriage. It was dead and buried to me. I do not know if I have it in me to live with the doubt, and the questions that will surely come up after he graduates and is back in the "real world". I know it has been done, there are success stories here. I guess my question is, how do you know whether to let go, or give it one more shot?
In June 2006 he had a short stint in rehab for 30 days, relasped 1 week after signing himself out. He stayed with us on and off until November,when my father finally had enough,and told him he could not come back. During this time he tested my boundries, and my patience. And he continued his downward spiral. By December of 2006, I was ready to file the papers needed to separate myself from this madness. I had had ample time to think about what would be best for myself and my son. I had already grieved for the man I had loved and lost, no longer willing to try to fight something I didn't cause, couldn't control, couldn't cure. I was ready to let go, pick up the pieces, and move on.
The call came New Years Eve. He was crying, begging me to come and get him. He was done, he couldn't take it any more. He had been consistently using since Christmas Day. I went to get him.
He signed into a rehab on January 4, 2007. He said that this time is different. He wants to be a husband, and a father. I took it for what it was worth, which was nothing, coming from someone who had made too many promises he was unwilling or unable to keep.
He has been clean for 6 months now. He will not graduate from rehab until August 2007. He has a plan of action as far as a job, and what tools he will need to help him keep his recovery in place. He has gained weight, is healthy, is working hard to be a good father. He revels in our sons every new experience, and is saddened and regretful of everything he has missed. He is also trying to be a good husband, and fully expects to pick up where we left off.
This is where my confusion and indecision comes in. I have already mourned for this man, and our marriage. It was dead and buried to me. I do not know if I have it in me to live with the doubt, and the questions that will surely come up after he graduates and is back in the "real world". I know it has been done, there are success stories here. I guess my question is, how do you know whether to let go, or give it one more shot?
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
((April))
I've missed you so much! I think a lot of your decision now will be based on how much you're still in love with your RAH..........at least that's sort of what I'm getting out of your post. Trust can be s-l-o-w-l-y earned back. I know my exabf got clean and has been for a while now, but it's just not in me anymore to try it again. Even if I hadn't met Noah I just don't "FEEL" it if you know what I mean. I try really hard not to stay in the past, but the past can make us who we are today based on what we have had to go through.
You've moved on in a way. you've mourned the loss of the man you loved and moved on with your life as much as you possibly could given the fact you share a child together. Now all of the sudden he wants you to pick back up where you left off and that's simply not a reasonable request. It can't be done...........not when you've been through so much.
Take a deep hard look within yourself honey. Whan can you do? What do you want to do? How do you feel.........i mean really feel?? I think with recovery comes the understanding that you can't just pick back up where you left off. That's a selfish request IMO. What does your gut tell you??
I love you so much and you know that all I say is with love and understanding.
Now...........pm me with your phone number again because I left it in Texas lol. We need to talk.
I've missed you so much! I think a lot of your decision now will be based on how much you're still in love with your RAH..........at least that's sort of what I'm getting out of your post. Trust can be s-l-o-w-l-y earned back. I know my exabf got clean and has been for a while now, but it's just not in me anymore to try it again. Even if I hadn't met Noah I just don't "FEEL" it if you know what I mean. I try really hard not to stay in the past, but the past can make us who we are today based on what we have had to go through.
You've moved on in a way. you've mourned the loss of the man you loved and moved on with your life as much as you possibly could given the fact you share a child together. Now all of the sudden he wants you to pick back up where you left off and that's simply not a reasonable request. It can't be done...........not when you've been through so much.
Take a deep hard look within yourself honey. Whan can you do? What do you want to do? How do you feel.........i mean really feel?? I think with recovery comes the understanding that you can't just pick back up where you left off. That's a selfish request IMO. What does your gut tell you??
I love you so much and you know that all I say is with love and understanding.
Now...........pm me with your phone number again because I left it in Texas lol. We need to talk.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
There is no rush, is there? I think time takes time... and I heard a poster here say that the addict had "trained" us to respond a certain way, and it was the addicts burden to wait and do good things in order to "train" us to respond in a different way.
My friend in Alanon was apart from her husband for 13 years... it took that long for him to 1. get sober and in recovery and 2. stay that way long enough that she was willing to try again.
His actions will speak louder than any words, and 6 months is a good start, but it isn't 6 months on the "outside", and it isn't all that long.
Glad to see you back, Wildbucky... (((hugs)))
My friend in Alanon was apart from her husband for 13 years... it took that long for him to 1. get sober and in recovery and 2. stay that way long enough that she was willing to try again.
His actions will speak louder than any words, and 6 months is a good start, but it isn't 6 months on the "outside", and it isn't all that long.
Glad to see you back, Wildbucky... (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Ohio
Posts: 233
Great advice...my thoughts are this: Sometimes you have to really think about what YOU want, and what you can live with. I think it would be good for you to put yourself first. If that means that you should live apart then so be it. If he really wants this he will remain clean, no matter what the circumstances. Just tell him how you feel....and be honest.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 43
Thank you all!
Kris, the feelings part I have kind of crammed in a can and shelved. I am enjoying his company for the most part when he comes home to visit on the weekends. I'm watching his relationship with our son blossom and grow. I am no longer hovering when he is with Buddy, and have even left him for a few hours to babysit (supervised by my parents) while I went out. I'm confused about how I feel. Sometimes I'll get a surge of love so strong it kicks me, and then I get scared and shove it back in the can.
Big Sis- Yes I have been programmed to respond, and if I do decide to give it one more shot, I'll have to reprogram myself. While there is no immediate need to make a lifelong decision, I want to be sure in my head what I want from him when he graduates. I want to be proactive in setting boundries, what I will and will not live with. And I want to be able to tell him... which is hard because I've separated myself from him.
Greet: Thanks for the prayers and positive thoughts, they are always welcome and needed.
Ladybugg: thank you for the gentle reminder that I have no control over anyone but myself, and the pressure I'm having is self inflicted. I am my own worst enemy.
Thank you all, you are wonderful, and have once again given me food for thought to get me moving again.
Kris, the feelings part I have kind of crammed in a can and shelved. I am enjoying his company for the most part when he comes home to visit on the weekends. I'm watching his relationship with our son blossom and grow. I am no longer hovering when he is with Buddy, and have even left him for a few hours to babysit (supervised by my parents) while I went out. I'm confused about how I feel. Sometimes I'll get a surge of love so strong it kicks me, and then I get scared and shove it back in the can.
Big Sis- Yes I have been programmed to respond, and if I do decide to give it one more shot, I'll have to reprogram myself. While there is no immediate need to make a lifelong decision, I want to be sure in my head what I want from him when he graduates. I want to be proactive in setting boundries, what I will and will not live with. And I want to be able to tell him... which is hard because I've separated myself from him.
Greet: Thanks for the prayers and positive thoughts, they are always welcome and needed.
Ladybugg: thank you for the gentle reminder that I have no control over anyone but myself, and the pressure I'm having is self inflicted. I am my own worst enemy.
Thank you all, you are wonderful, and have once again given me food for thought to get me moving again.
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