not feeling too stong
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 46
not feeling too stong
So the abf is in Philadelphia supposedly waiting around until monday when he can get into detox. He keeps asking me if I'll go up there and stay with him. Says he misses me and he wants to see me again before he goes. If he makes it to detox and then follows through on the program he's supposed to, he'll be gone for at least six months in florida. Last night I felt really strong when I decided I was not going there to see him-I told him I would see him off to Florida at the airport but not before then.
Tonight I don't feel so strong. He's calling and he sounds so miserable and sad. I found out he's staying in this disgusting house with his friend, his friends brother, and the brother's girlfriend. All of whom do heroin also. He's getting needles from the needle exchange program through the girlfriend. I know he's put himself if this situation but it makes me feel sick to think about him sitting in that dump shooting up. It makes me so sad and I just want to drive up there and hug him and tell him that everything will be ok. I'm not going to go but I just can't stop thinking about it. He's fallen so far from the person I fell in love with. After everything he's done, why can't I stop feeling bad for him?
Tonight I don't feel so strong. He's calling and he sounds so miserable and sad. I found out he's staying in this disgusting house with his friend, his friends brother, and the brother's girlfriend. All of whom do heroin also. He's getting needles from the needle exchange program through the girlfriend. I know he's put himself if this situation but it makes me feel sick to think about him sitting in that dump shooting up. It makes me so sad and I just want to drive up there and hug him and tell him that everything will be ok. I'm not going to go but I just can't stop thinking about it. He's fallen so far from the person I fell in love with. After everything he's done, why can't I stop feeling bad for him?
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
It's OK that you feel compassion...but if you go there...sounds like he's probably gonna be high and nodding off... and the others???
Maybe just see him off at the airport like you said....
Maybe sitting there in that situation missing you is part of what he needs to see that his life needs to change??
Maybe just see him off at the airport like you said....
Maybe sitting there in that situation missing you is part of what he needs to see that his life needs to change??
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Originally Posted by maddie82 
After everything he's done, why can't I stop feeling bad for him?
Because you love him honey that's why. Just because our boundaries are in place and we're taking care of ourselves doesn't mean we stop caring and loving them. We do what we need to do for our recovery and they will do what they need to do for their own, but that doesn't mean we've turned our feelings off. That's impossible to do. Hang in there sweetie. I'm saying a prayer for your ABF. He's in his HP's hands and that's the best place for him to be right now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a State of Grace
Posts: 100
Hi Maddie,
I don't know why we feel bad, but I do know that I really have to check myself to make sure that it isn't just me "rescuing". Not letting someone experience the consequences of their own actions whether they be material or emotional consequences.
I thought what you told him initially was very healthy for both of you. I'd stick with your first plan.
Hugs,
Lithloren
I don't know why we feel bad, but I do know that I really have to check myself to make sure that it isn't just me "rescuing". Not letting someone experience the consequences of their own actions whether they be material or emotional consequences.
I thought what you told him initially was very healthy for both of you. I'd stick with your first plan.
Hugs,
Lithloren
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Maddie, he's QUACKING, he won't be leaving Monday. Remember, the place in Florida said he has to be clean for 72 hours or they won't admit him, that is 3 full days.
He's manipulating you again. Don't answer the phone. He chose to be in that situation.
Please for your own health and well being stay home.
Love and hugs,
He's manipulating you again. Don't answer the phone. He chose to be in that situation.
Please for your own health and well being stay home.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
stay strong. as long as he is calling you & you are talking to him you are putting yourself in that situation.we are responsiable for our own actions. he is responsiable for his.same as recovery,yours is yours , his is his.say a prayer for him & take care of yourself.we do feel & love the addict we just have to let them go to reach their bottm.prayers for you & him both.hugs,hope
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Maddie-
I know how hard it is not to want to swoop in and rescue. Our heart is pulling so hard for us to go one way and our minds keep telling us quite another.
We want so badly to believe what they say. ("I will get better." "Things will be different this time.")
For me I am now finding that distance and space allows for alot of emptiness but it also prevents me from some pain.
Someone here just told that just just because we FEEL sad or lonely and WANT to help them, does not mean we actually HAVE to do it. Just like our addicts who don't actually HAVE to use when they have the craving- we do have other choices.
It's hard for me to acknowledge that if I REALLY love my abf that I will let him suffer his own consequences- I will stop trying to soften his fall. I will let him try to pull himself out of this without any help. This makes me crazy because I want to control and I WANT to make things better - if not for him- FOR ME- for the future and dreams I don't want to give up.
My thoughts are with you. I know what you're going through and I feel for you in this difficult time.
I know how hard it is not to want to swoop in and rescue. Our heart is pulling so hard for us to go one way and our minds keep telling us quite another.
We want so badly to believe what they say. ("I will get better." "Things will be different this time.")
For me I am now finding that distance and space allows for alot of emptiness but it also prevents me from some pain.
Someone here just told that just just because we FEEL sad or lonely and WANT to help them, does not mean we actually HAVE to do it. Just like our addicts who don't actually HAVE to use when they have the craving- we do have other choices.
It's hard for me to acknowledge that if I REALLY love my abf that I will let him suffer his own consequences- I will stop trying to soften his fall. I will let him try to pull himself out of this without any help. This makes me crazy because I want to control and I WANT to make things better - if not for him- FOR ME- for the future and dreams I don't want to give up.
My thoughts are with you. I know what you're going through and I feel for you in this difficult time.
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