I'm mad at myself..

Old 06-09-2007, 03:15 AM
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Angry I'm mad at myself..

Well, what can I say other than I AM really upset with myself. I took back my abf... I tried so hard to stay away, to move on my life but.. I just can’t do it. I feel stupid and weak.

It's amazing to me how I can love and care about someone so much who only shows me compassion sporadically. I have heard the million and one speeches about how I deserve better, and that I am too young to know what true love is. I am tired of it, all of it. He makes me cry constantly, but those few moments where he makes me feel like he still cares is worth it. I feel like I am the addict, and evidently I am addicted to him. You know I think this might be harder than actually being addicted to drugs. It’s illegal to do drugs and there are meetings and groups but it’s not illegal to love someone who is an addict and there isn’t a lover anonymous. They can't lock you up for loving someone too much.

Why can’t I be resilient and get over this? I’ve realized I’m not going to be happy without him so I have to be here for him through all of his addictions..

I wish I could fast forward through all of this

I just needed to vent – and maybe get some words of encouragement. I hate that I have gone back to him but, you can’t really fight your heart…
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Old 06-09-2007, 04:47 AM
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Oh Ashley, don't beat yourself up! You stay because you've seen a part of him that you love, and because you're willing to put up with all the crap just to get a few minutes with that part of him. lots of wise, caring people here (I'm not wise, just caring!) who will give great advice and direction. All I can tell you is You Aren't Alone. I get where you're coming from, having lived there 16 years, and most of the people on here were also in the neighborhood. Be good to yourself. I'll be sending
good thoughts and prayers your way.
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Old 06-09-2007, 04:50 AM
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There are groups to help you like Al-Anon and Codependents A. IF you want the help - just like an addict - you have to hit your own rock bottom before you recognize the need to get help.

I kept going back to my AH, telling myself over and over I love him, he'll change for me. For the 100 "bad" things he does there are 5 things that he does that make up for all the bad stuff.

You know what? At the end of the day (17 years) he never changed. I woke up and found out that there is more to life than living in his alcoholic shadow. We both ended up in recovery groups - his for A and me for codependency.

Ask yourself what are YOU getting out of this relationship? Love? Trust? Respect? Honestly now. Why do you stay in it? Do you enjoy being treated like this and if so why? Why do you accept this? Why do you think you are not worth more?

That inner voice of yours is telling you something. I found that writing a list of all things the good things about the relationship and a corresponding list of all the things that are wrong about it really helped me. I asked myself what do I want in a relationship? What am I getting out of this one? Why am I here in it?

Have you read about detachment here on the forum? It really helped me.

Healing within an alcoholic relationship is possible but both people have to want to work at it. You can't cure him, you didn't cause it and you can't control it.

As long as we enable the A they will never stop.

"I wish I could fast forward through all of this "

I'll try this for you based on my own personal experience. 5 years from now, 10 years from now 17 years from now - it's EXACTLY the same. Nothing has changed because no one has tried to change the things that they don't recognize as "wrong".
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Old 06-09-2007, 06:03 AM
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you will know when you have had enough.just like the addict you have to hit your bottom.i guess the time is just not right for you.keep reading & keep posting.go to f.t.f. your recovery because the thing that does not change is the fact "there is nothing you can do for him."he is going to use if you are there or not.prayers for you both, hope
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Old 06-09-2007, 07:30 AM
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It's so hard to see the big picture. We are so disillusioned and in fact in a way that we WANT to be it seems.
I, too, do not feel myself strong enough to take the leap of faith in which I believe I deserve more. I can SAY it to myself but actually knowing what that means for me in ACTIONS is a whole other story.
Do what you can and do not beat yourself up for what you're not ready to do yet. One of my biggest challenges has been accepting the fact that nothing I say or do will make him want recovery. In trying to change him I am merely chasing after a mirage of water in the desert that keeps disappearing the closer I get to it. When I use the tools I can (changing myself and my thoughts and my actions- which right now feels incredibly wrong and I feel incredibly undeserving) then something is in my hands.
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Old 06-09-2007, 07:33 AM
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I also think (at least I HOPE!) that we get to our own bottom that the idea that "We cannot be happy without them" may eventually fade or take a new shape? When my abf said to me in a fury the other day that he had been spending $900 a week on his habit and shooting up everyday- the graphic images in my mind from this really devestated me. I had such horrible cognitive dissonance- I love this man with all my heart - but he is giving me evidence that I cannot respect him. The two sides of my mind are at war and acting out on either side causes the other one discomfort.
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Old 06-09-2007, 07:46 AM
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let it grow!
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just sending encouragement. you are in the middle of a tough disease. we do become as dependent as the addict. alanon! blessings, k
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Old 06-09-2007, 08:02 AM
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You feel what you feel. You can't deny your feelings. All of us deal with our difficulties in our own time (our our HP's time). You do deserve better, but you will have to feel that as well. Be good to yourself.
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Old 06-09-2007, 08:27 AM
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the girl can't help it
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oh honey fight that heart of yours go cold turkey believe me he is throwing you crumbs when you could be eating a banquet somewhere else
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Old 06-09-2007, 08:45 AM
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When your truly ready to let go you will. There'll come a time when you can think of nothing else.

Like Blues said you wake up one night, hes gone and all of a sudden you realize your okay with it and you no longer care what hes doing.
Then for me there was days Id wish hed go MIA and give me a break. My AH and I are separated. I still love him, a huge part of me hopes he gets it together and I get me together and still dreams of the happily ever after, but today Im not holding on to it, little by little it gets easier
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Old 06-09-2007, 09:08 AM
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Welcome. I'm not sure if we've met or not.
I'm Linda and the addict in my life is my son. He's 25.
I grew up with addiction/alcoholism all my life.
I've loved them. I've hated them.
I was the daughter of one, the gf of a few, the wife of one, and now the mother of one.
You deal with it as long as you can. There will come a time when you just can't do it anymore.
Until then, set boundries, detach from the addiction, and focus on your codependency issues by attending alanon/naranon meetings.
You do deserve happiness. One day you'll see it and want it.
I just pray that you won't be broken, abused, and lost in that kind of life.
By getting out now, you will have saved yourself so much heartache and pain.
Just the opinion of someone who's been through it and knows the outcome.
You sound like a very loving, kind, and gentle soul. Addiction changes people.
Not just the addict. Everyone who loves him/her too.
Don't lose yourself in that world. It's not a good place.
All said with heartfelt concern,
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Old 06-09-2007, 09:34 AM
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((Ashley)), I really don't have any advice. I've never been in your situation. I can only hope that you do what is best for you. There is no crime in loving an addict. It all comes down to how much you can live with. Keeping you in my prayers that you are led to do what is right for both of you.............Lo
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Old 06-09-2007, 11:57 AM
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Yup, I am there as well. Gosh, how embarrassed I am by how many times I have posted that I have kicked the abf out of my life and how many times I have turned around a day later and posted he is back. yo-yoing through a relationship.

sometimes I think that my abf and I are just out of sinc, his worst times hit him exactly when my pms hits me, or we both get bad news at the same time, so neither or us are ever really able to be supportive of the other and we both go and cope with it in our ways -- his is drugs, mine is anger and temper tantrums and sobbing into my pillow.

I am hoping this time I can really stick to my guns, I have ended the relationship.

I think the thing is, when you are in a relationship with someone and you just end up not liking that person, it is easy to get out. hey, I didn't like, didn't desire my ex husband, it was easy to split up. but this situation, I love the addict, I desire the addict, and he has this problem , drugs, drink, and from my perspective it seems so obvious, he gets rid of the drugs and drink, and BINGO, we have each other to love. That's what makes it so hard, you are breaking up with a person you WANT to be with, you are breaking up with them because of a behavior which you can clearly see they should just stop.

All I can say is, don't beat yourself up for loving someone and wanting the best for them, instead use your energy to do the best for yourself, for loving yourself.
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