well i did it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: somewhere
Posts: 5
well i did it
Hi all,
I haven't been on in a while, but i wanted to post an update. I finally packed up my things and took my son and left my husband. I watched his downward spiral and just finally had enough. I have to say that I got a lot of encouragement from this site and i don't think that i could have done it without this site because i didn't really tell anyone else what was goin on. Anyway it has been three months that i am living with relatives and we had a court date today. He is ordered to take a hair folicle test if he wants unsupervised visits as he now has supervised visits as determined by our last court agreement. He has been telling me since we left that he has not used cocaine.......but guess what? He informed me that he will not pass any hair folicle test because he has used and wants me to change the test to a urine test instead. Calling me all day badgering me about this test. I said "you have every right to be angry...at yourself" his respone has been and will continue to be "no it's all YOUR fault because you are making me take this test". Unbelievable. I guess I feel this is extra hard because i was hoping that all this would make him change, see what he was going to lose, accept help, rehab, etc. I maybe never thought it would get this far. Someone told me don't file divorce in hopes of making the other person change...but it was all i had left, the threats. Well i put my foot down and he just completely turned the the other way. i feel guily and like i betrayed him attaching a drug issue to his name in official court documents. But i have my son to protect. I got information that i could be held responsible if anything happened to my son even though I was not the one involved with the drugs. I was not willing to chance that anymore. It hasn't been easy, sleeping on a sofabed with my son in the sunroom.....but i guess now I have no choice but to mnove forward. I think I made too many empty threats in the past for him to take me seriously.......oh well thanks for listening!
I haven't been on in a while, but i wanted to post an update. I finally packed up my things and took my son and left my husband. I watched his downward spiral and just finally had enough. I have to say that I got a lot of encouragement from this site and i don't think that i could have done it without this site because i didn't really tell anyone else what was goin on. Anyway it has been three months that i am living with relatives and we had a court date today. He is ordered to take a hair folicle test if he wants unsupervised visits as he now has supervised visits as determined by our last court agreement. He has been telling me since we left that he has not used cocaine.......but guess what? He informed me that he will not pass any hair folicle test because he has used and wants me to change the test to a urine test instead. Calling me all day badgering me about this test. I said "you have every right to be angry...at yourself" his respone has been and will continue to be "no it's all YOUR fault because you are making me take this test". Unbelievable. I guess I feel this is extra hard because i was hoping that all this would make him change, see what he was going to lose, accept help, rehab, etc. I maybe never thought it would get this far. Someone told me don't file divorce in hopes of making the other person change...but it was all i had left, the threats. Well i put my foot down and he just completely turned the the other way. i feel guily and like i betrayed him attaching a drug issue to his name in official court documents. But i have my son to protect. I got information that i could be held responsible if anything happened to my son even though I was not the one involved with the drugs. I was not willing to chance that anymore. It hasn't been easy, sleeping on a sofabed with my son in the sunroom.....but i guess now I have no choice but to mnove forward. I think I made too many empty threats in the past for him to take me seriously.......oh well thanks for listening!
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
There's a lot of strength and courage in your post. I think you could possibly be a source of inspiration to somone who is still in the position you have gotten yourself out of. It's never easy doing what you've done and making those choices your having to make, but you're moving through with grace and dignity and should be very proud of yourself. You're a wonderful mother. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. 
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
(((Gutwrenched )))
I read your post & I could relate it to myself as I was many yrs ago. My 1st husband was a compulsive gambler & I left him 9 times in like 4 yrs because I couldn't live with it. Each time I left I was really hoping & praying he would change. I loved him so much. I was living with my parents & my mom backed me into a corner by saying " If you don't love him anymore why don't you get the divorce. " I told her I didn't have the money so then she said " I spoke to your dad & we will pay for it " Now I could have said NO & I should have but I was too intimidated by her to do that bk then. I got the divorce & 2 yrs later he called me cuz his girlfriend was criticlly injured in an accident. I was just going to get engaged to a guy I had dumped for my husband yrs before. He had been in the service in Germany & I had written him a Dear John. After the divorce he asked me out again, said he still loved me & wanted to marry me even though I had a son at this point. Well I felt sorry for my ex & went to the hospital with him to see this girl, wound up going bk with him & remarrying him. We had another child & I thought things were ok for a couple of yrs until Off Track Betting opened. He started gambling and got in trouble with the law, jumped bail & went to Fl. I stayed in NY with my sons planning to join him. Found out he took up with a topless dancer & ended it. I had started dating & saw how this other man told me he loved me & how good he treated me etc etc. I guess the point I am trying to make is it upset me when you said you never thought it would get this far. As if you thought by leaving he would change. Honey noone changes for anyone else EVER. I left my ex 30 yrs ago & you know he went from gambling to drugs & how I know is he called me a month ago after almost 30 yrs of not seeing or even hearing from him. He spent the past 30 yrs mostly in jail & doing illegal things. He is now 62 & has been clean & sober for almost 5 yrs. This is what he told me when he called. If I had stayed with him Yes he did finally see the light but the last 30 yrs of MY Life would have been Hell. Instead I left, went to college & got my degree & RN, raised my sons & remarried to a man I love more with each passing day. He is a wonderful husband & step dad to my sons. I have NO Regrets & thank God everyday I did what I did. I have a wonderful life. It wasn't easy starting over with 2 kids & having to live in an apt over my parents but it was easier than a life with him would have been
I just wanted to share that. IMHO you did the right thing, of course its normal to be afraid & have doubts but keep moving fwd.
Love & Prayers,
Diane
I read your post & I could relate it to myself as I was many yrs ago. My 1st husband was a compulsive gambler & I left him 9 times in like 4 yrs because I couldn't live with it. Each time I left I was really hoping & praying he would change. I loved him so much. I was living with my parents & my mom backed me into a corner by saying " If you don't love him anymore why don't you get the divorce. " I told her I didn't have the money so then she said " I spoke to your dad & we will pay for it " Now I could have said NO & I should have but I was too intimidated by her to do that bk then. I got the divorce & 2 yrs later he called me cuz his girlfriend was criticlly injured in an accident. I was just going to get engaged to a guy I had dumped for my husband yrs before. He had been in the service in Germany & I had written him a Dear John. After the divorce he asked me out again, said he still loved me & wanted to marry me even though I had a son at this point. Well I felt sorry for my ex & went to the hospital with him to see this girl, wound up going bk with him & remarrying him. We had another child & I thought things were ok for a couple of yrs until Off Track Betting opened. He started gambling and got in trouble with the law, jumped bail & went to Fl. I stayed in NY with my sons planning to join him. Found out he took up with a topless dancer & ended it. I had started dating & saw how this other man told me he loved me & how good he treated me etc etc. I guess the point I am trying to make is it upset me when you said you never thought it would get this far. As if you thought by leaving he would change. Honey noone changes for anyone else EVER. I left my ex 30 yrs ago & you know he went from gambling to drugs & how I know is he called me a month ago after almost 30 yrs of not seeing or even hearing from him. He spent the past 30 yrs mostly in jail & doing illegal things. He is now 62 & has been clean & sober for almost 5 yrs. This is what he told me when he called. If I had stayed with him Yes he did finally see the light but the last 30 yrs of MY Life would have been Hell. Instead I left, went to college & got my degree & RN, raised my sons & remarried to a man I love more with each passing day. He is a wonderful husband & step dad to my sons. I have NO Regrets & thank God everyday I did what I did. I have a wonderful life. It wasn't easy starting over with 2 kids & having to live in an apt over my parents but it was easier than a life with him would have been
I just wanted to share that. IMHO you did the right thing, of course its normal to be afraid & have doubts but keep moving fwd.
Love & Prayers,
Diane
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome, i do not remember if i have met you.there is alot of good information here.things that saved my sanity.addicts are all about blame & are making the right decision.always put your self & your son first when it comes to safely. do not feel guilty.prayers, hope
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
You're a good momma.
Yes you are.
And that's really whats counts in the end, isn't it?
To have your son raised in an atmosphere of addiction is unhealthy to say the least, and it took alot of courage, and strength for you to pack up and leave.
I pray you life and your son gets alot easier as days go by.
And prayers for the relatives that are helping you out.
hugs to you, and your son,
Yes you are.
And that's really whats counts in the end, isn't it?
To have your son raised in an atmosphere of addiction is unhealthy to say the least, and it took alot of courage, and strength for you to pack up and leave.
I pray you life and your son gets alot easier as days go by.
And prayers for the relatives that are helping you out.
hugs to you, and your son,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
gutwrench...
You are an awesome mom! Yep, Moose is right...took an awful lot of courage to do what you did.
I packed up and left my exah too...with my son in tow...not really sure what I would do but I knew without a doubt that I couldn't live in the insanity one minute longer.
It was the best move I ever made.
Keep going...one day at a time...
Your little boy is lucky to have such a strong mom in his life.
It might be easy to lose sight of this fact when you're down in the trenches but just remember that you're not only protecting your son from the insanity of addiction at home, you're also teaching him some pretty big life lessons about taking charge of your life and doing what it takes to get out of a bad situation.
Hugs to you and your little boy...from one mom to another.
You are an awesome mom! Yep, Moose is right...took an awful lot of courage to do what you did.
I packed up and left my exah too...with my son in tow...not really sure what I would do but I knew without a doubt that I couldn't live in the insanity one minute longer.
It was the best move I ever made.
Keep going...one day at a time...
Your little boy is lucky to have such a strong mom in his life.
It might be easy to lose sight of this fact when you're down in the trenches but just remember that you're not only protecting your son from the insanity of addiction at home, you're also teaching him some pretty big life lessons about taking charge of your life and doing what it takes to get out of a bad situation.
Hugs to you and your little boy...from one mom to another.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: somewhere
Posts: 5
thanks so much for all your replies. i am sorry that it took me so long to get back on here! just a quick refresher....i have been with my husband for 20 years, 10 of those married. We have an 8 year old son who has some special needs. it is a rare genetic disorder, nothing to do with drugs believe me that was the first thing i thought of. Before our son was born i did my fair share of partying too, but there is a time when that changes. We had a series of unfortunate events happen, both of our fathers passing away, mother in law attempting suicide and finishing with my husband losing his job. That progresssed into not lookling for another job and sleeping sleeping sleeping. Forgetting to pick up our son at school to where i had to be called out of meetings at work to pick him up. The entire time lying about using cocaine. Then i started to find things in my sons path......pills that fell out of pockets, stash being left out because he passed out before he could put it away, things like that. Then the staying out all night.....i would sleep in my sons room on the top bunk and go to bed at 8 just to avoid the coming and going. Then i gave him deadline after deadline to get a job, or at least get up in the am, or at least move the porn out of our bedroom (thats another issue!!!)....giving him "baby steps" while i adjusted to life as a single parent. it took me about a year to detach with the help of a therapist. I filed in january after i found a viagra on/around my sons train tracks. I know we all have stories of the like. So here i am today being blamed for every aspect of this pending divorce! now that i am away from the situation i can just start to see how much i was damaged from the physical and emotional neglect (that's anoter issue too!) I am very lucky to have my family, i know that, but no one really understands like someone in the same situation. I am so glad i found this site and i love hearing from all of you. thanks again!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
You are truly in the right place, surrounded by people who understand. Each of us has a story, and when we share our own experience, strength and hope, it helps all of us grow!
It took me a long time to realize that just because HE said I was the reason he did/said this or that~ that's not the case. Each of us has choices about what we say and how we behave. Each of us. I can choose to not say something. I can choose a different action or behavior. I am NOT responsible for his words, his actions or his choices. I just don't have that much power. AND he doesn't have that much power either, although for a long time we both thought he did.
When I started going to Al Anon I learned about quacking. If I changed his angry and accusing words to "QUACK QUACK QUACK", then the words lost their sting and their power. AND I always have a choice about how I react.
Making good choices so that your son is in a loving and healthy atmosphere is a sign of a good mom!
Hugs
Cats
It took me a long time to realize that just because HE said I was the reason he did/said this or that~ that's not the case. Each of us has choices about what we say and how we behave. Each of us. I can choose to not say something. I can choose a different action or behavior. I am NOT responsible for his words, his actions or his choices. I just don't have that much power. AND he doesn't have that much power either, although for a long time we both thought he did.
When I started going to Al Anon I learned about quacking. If I changed his angry and accusing words to "QUACK QUACK QUACK", then the words lost their sting and their power. AND I always have a choice about how I react.
Making good choices so that your son is in a loving and healthy atmosphere is a sign of a good mom!
Hugs
Cats
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