Tips for living with an addict
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Join Date: May 2007
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Tips for living with an addict
Tips for living with an addict....
From Families of Addiction
1. Take your name off of ANY credit cards, bank accounts, loans etc where you appear as joint holder. This sounds easy right? Not. Just calling and taking your name off is not enough. In some states you have to pubish an announcement to denounce the liability. And this applies to married or not married!
2. If you have a mortgage together, make them sign a Power of Attorney should something happen... as just a joint debtor you can't do all of what you need to do.. if your house goes into forclosure, your screwed without having their authorization to do what's necessary to protect your assets!
The POA has to be signed in front of a notary. If they are in jail, better yet because all jails and prisons have a notary, I'm on a first name basis with the one I use at the prison
3. Same applies on above on any automobile loans. If it's a car YOU drive and your spouse is on the title.. have him do a quit claim on financed vehicle or have them sign title over to you. Addicts make money by loaning their car to dealers, and you don't want to go through what I went through $890 worth of parking tickets, impound fees up the wazoo..
4. OPEN your own checking account and by golly don't go to the bank where he knows the tellers (learned that one hard way) go to a different bank.
5. Get a safe. If you buy a 100 lb safe or smaller, then you get about 30-50 lbs of those hand weights you can buy cheap at Walmart and put them in it because if your addict is like mine, they will try and take the whole safe. Sentry makes the best.. My x couldn't get it open with 2 crowbars as I quietly sat and listened to him try
6. If your kids have Social Security cards, LOCK them away, put them in saftey deposit box, don't make them accessible. My x actually went and got a credit card in my daughters name for ATM cash advances! That was a nightmare to correct. She's only 12!
7. DO NOT LET THEM DRIVE YOUR CAR. Be sure that car is IN YOUR NAME. If they take it, call your police dept. If they say you cannot do a stolen car report (if married) then you tell them you want to file an "UNAUTHORIZED USE" charge!! (holds same weight, less of a consequence) this protects you from those damn parking tickets or if the car is taken by a dealer and not returned, etc. Do not let the police give you the "Marital property" bulls***. Now if both cars are in their name, you'll have problems, your vehicle SHOULD BE IN YOUR NAME!!
Oh.. and "THE CLUB" does not work. just takes the right tool and it's off.
Keep your car locked.
8. If you find evidence of drugs or paraphanlia in the house... DO NOT take it to the police, you have 2 choices here, and you could make the wrong one. 1. Call police, leave the evidence where it is, do not touch it. 2. dispose of it. If you call the police, as much as that sounds fun when your angry... YOU do stand chance of a full investigation, your house being siezed and your kids being taken away. USE your judgement and don't go with your first thoughts of ANGER.
9. This one is my favorite and it's the best advice I can give anyone. When the addict leaves the house. EXPECT THEM NOT TO RETURN. I found if I thought that when they left.. made it all the more easier to accept and if he did come back, I wasn't jumping for joy, or relieved of unnecessary anxiety, it was just as it was. Expectations are a killer.
10. Gas Cards - I've heard of so many people who think.. Oh He just has a gas card, no harm there. LOL well the addict goes to the gas station and gets several people to fill up their tank with their car, and takes cash from them. So the person is getting $30 of gas but only paying $20.. who wouldn't jump at that right? NO gas card. If you MUST control, you go fill the tank, but I'll tell you, mine would ciphen for just a hit.
LOCK YOUR gas cap too!
11. Asking for a receipt.. useless. They either lose it, or part of it is ripped off. Don't bother, if you give them money ASSUME always it's going towards drugs. If it's their money, don't worry about it. If it's your money or money needed to pay bills don't give it out. If you MUST play banker, give them an allowance, don't sit there every night fighting over $5. Give them their money each week and that's it. If they blow it on drugs, that's their problem not yours, your money is safe, bills are paid.
12. Change lock on your doors. Do this even if they are still living with you. You never know the day that will come they might get violent, and you need them OUT, will save you some sleepless nights. The addict will not like not having a house key. Too bad. If you could trust them you wouldn't be in this predicament.
13. Do not let your kids go alone anywhere with an active addict.. PERIOD.
Mine actually met his dealer at the emergency room when he took my youngest daughter their after she dislocated her shoulder!
The dealer even carried my daughter into the ER then they left her in a wheelchair to "do business" My x called me and said how tired he was and could I go there and he'll come home to watch my other daughter.. sure... of course I did.. only my 11 year old (at time) was alone because of course he didnt' go home to watch her! I've heard in meetings of some addicts taking their kids to crack houses, or sitting in motels, cars, etc. YOU cannot trust an active addict with your kids. PARENT Or NOT. I actually sat at the table with my two girls and a Social worker from the Department of children services while he said to THEM..IF your dad comes around here during our investigation YOU will be taken away from both mommy and daddy.. I had to show a lot of restraint there as I wanted to leap across table and tear his eyes out. THIS STUFF HAPPENS.
14. If the addict your involved with is taking advantage of other family members or friends, don't struggle with the question of what to do. Ask yourself.. DO I care about the people he's manipulating? Do I care that they are enabling and might not know it? Your answers will be YES. DO TELL. If you think it's going to make the addict worse, your wrong, they will get worse or better whether anyone else knows or not. The more that know the more that can STOP enabling. This is for the benefit of the addict as well. The less resources available, the faster their bottom comes. Of course it could go the other way.
15. This one might seem like bad advice, but I think it depends on the situation. DO NOT talk to your kids guidance counselors!! They are obligated after you do to contact children services if they feel the child is suffering, DO seek out counseling outside the school. If you feel your child's teacher is someone you can talk to safely, do so. Trust your instincts.
16. If you have expensive items in your home that you obviously cannot lock away, tv's, DVD players, etc. Don't leave the addict alone in house, I actually made mine leave for the day if I had things to do because I wasn't about to babysit. Yeah. tough but fact.. My kids lost too many game consols, games, DVD's VCR's, etc.
If you buy new, keep the receipt, if the addict takes them, call the police and fill out a robbery report, don't tell the police your spouse or loved one took them until the report is taken, then tell them YOU know who took them. They are required by law if you can produce a receipt to report a robbery if your spouse takes something you can prove YOU bought.
17. If you own mutual funds, stocks, bonds, etc. Either lock them away someplace SUPER safe, or put them in a saftey deposit box.
18. Keep a get-away bag. You never know if an addict using will get violent or like mine did.. when he was jonsing.. what they will do for that hit is unbelievable sometimes. I made sure both myself and my girls each had a bag with essentials in it ready to go if we needed to.
A backup plan thought out with money put away also doesn't hurt, but if you need to get out, there are shelters everywhere, 911 is your best resource but I've had situations where my x would take the phones first or cut the cord while jonsing because he knew I would call 911 and he'd be one to be forced to leave.
These are just SOME of the things I've had to learn the hard way.
Hope it helps SOMEONE not have to learn like I did. I was financially RUINED and trapped in legal situations you can't imagine.
(I did not write this myself-but I can tell you that they are very good suggestions.)
From Families of Addiction
1. Take your name off of ANY credit cards, bank accounts, loans etc where you appear as joint holder. This sounds easy right? Not. Just calling and taking your name off is not enough. In some states you have to pubish an announcement to denounce the liability. And this applies to married or not married!
2. If you have a mortgage together, make them sign a Power of Attorney should something happen... as just a joint debtor you can't do all of what you need to do.. if your house goes into forclosure, your screwed without having their authorization to do what's necessary to protect your assets!
The POA has to be signed in front of a notary. If they are in jail, better yet because all jails and prisons have a notary, I'm on a first name basis with the one I use at the prison
3. Same applies on above on any automobile loans. If it's a car YOU drive and your spouse is on the title.. have him do a quit claim on financed vehicle or have them sign title over to you. Addicts make money by loaning their car to dealers, and you don't want to go through what I went through $890 worth of parking tickets, impound fees up the wazoo..
4. OPEN your own checking account and by golly don't go to the bank where he knows the tellers (learned that one hard way) go to a different bank.
5. Get a safe. If you buy a 100 lb safe or smaller, then you get about 30-50 lbs of those hand weights you can buy cheap at Walmart and put them in it because if your addict is like mine, they will try and take the whole safe. Sentry makes the best.. My x couldn't get it open with 2 crowbars as I quietly sat and listened to him try
6. If your kids have Social Security cards, LOCK them away, put them in saftey deposit box, don't make them accessible. My x actually went and got a credit card in my daughters name for ATM cash advances! That was a nightmare to correct. She's only 12!
7. DO NOT LET THEM DRIVE YOUR CAR. Be sure that car is IN YOUR NAME. If they take it, call your police dept. If they say you cannot do a stolen car report (if married) then you tell them you want to file an "UNAUTHORIZED USE" charge!! (holds same weight, less of a consequence) this protects you from those damn parking tickets or if the car is taken by a dealer and not returned, etc. Do not let the police give you the "Marital property" bulls***. Now if both cars are in their name, you'll have problems, your vehicle SHOULD BE IN YOUR NAME!!
Oh.. and "THE CLUB" does not work. just takes the right tool and it's off.
Keep your car locked.
8. If you find evidence of drugs or paraphanlia in the house... DO NOT take it to the police, you have 2 choices here, and you could make the wrong one. 1. Call police, leave the evidence where it is, do not touch it. 2. dispose of it. If you call the police, as much as that sounds fun when your angry... YOU do stand chance of a full investigation, your house being siezed and your kids being taken away. USE your judgement and don't go with your first thoughts of ANGER.
9. This one is my favorite and it's the best advice I can give anyone. When the addict leaves the house. EXPECT THEM NOT TO RETURN. I found if I thought that when they left.. made it all the more easier to accept and if he did come back, I wasn't jumping for joy, or relieved of unnecessary anxiety, it was just as it was. Expectations are a killer.
10. Gas Cards - I've heard of so many people who think.. Oh He just has a gas card, no harm there. LOL well the addict goes to the gas station and gets several people to fill up their tank with their car, and takes cash from them. So the person is getting $30 of gas but only paying $20.. who wouldn't jump at that right? NO gas card. If you MUST control, you go fill the tank, but I'll tell you, mine would ciphen for just a hit.
LOCK YOUR gas cap too!
11. Asking for a receipt.. useless. They either lose it, or part of it is ripped off. Don't bother, if you give them money ASSUME always it's going towards drugs. If it's their money, don't worry about it. If it's your money or money needed to pay bills don't give it out. If you MUST play banker, give them an allowance, don't sit there every night fighting over $5. Give them their money each week and that's it. If they blow it on drugs, that's their problem not yours, your money is safe, bills are paid.
12. Change lock on your doors. Do this even if they are still living with you. You never know the day that will come they might get violent, and you need them OUT, will save you some sleepless nights. The addict will not like not having a house key. Too bad. If you could trust them you wouldn't be in this predicament.
13. Do not let your kids go alone anywhere with an active addict.. PERIOD.
Mine actually met his dealer at the emergency room when he took my youngest daughter their after she dislocated her shoulder!
The dealer even carried my daughter into the ER then they left her in a wheelchair to "do business" My x called me and said how tired he was and could I go there and he'll come home to watch my other daughter.. sure... of course I did.. only my 11 year old (at time) was alone because of course he didnt' go home to watch her! I've heard in meetings of some addicts taking their kids to crack houses, or sitting in motels, cars, etc. YOU cannot trust an active addict with your kids. PARENT Or NOT. I actually sat at the table with my two girls and a Social worker from the Department of children services while he said to THEM..IF your dad comes around here during our investigation YOU will be taken away from both mommy and daddy.. I had to show a lot of restraint there as I wanted to leap across table and tear his eyes out. THIS STUFF HAPPENS.
14. If the addict your involved with is taking advantage of other family members or friends, don't struggle with the question of what to do. Ask yourself.. DO I care about the people he's manipulating? Do I care that they are enabling and might not know it? Your answers will be YES. DO TELL. If you think it's going to make the addict worse, your wrong, they will get worse or better whether anyone else knows or not. The more that know the more that can STOP enabling. This is for the benefit of the addict as well. The less resources available, the faster their bottom comes. Of course it could go the other way.
15. This one might seem like bad advice, but I think it depends on the situation. DO NOT talk to your kids guidance counselors!! They are obligated after you do to contact children services if they feel the child is suffering, DO seek out counseling outside the school. If you feel your child's teacher is someone you can talk to safely, do so. Trust your instincts.
16. If you have expensive items in your home that you obviously cannot lock away, tv's, DVD players, etc. Don't leave the addict alone in house, I actually made mine leave for the day if I had things to do because I wasn't about to babysit. Yeah. tough but fact.. My kids lost too many game consols, games, DVD's VCR's, etc.
If you buy new, keep the receipt, if the addict takes them, call the police and fill out a robbery report, don't tell the police your spouse or loved one took them until the report is taken, then tell them YOU know who took them. They are required by law if you can produce a receipt to report a robbery if your spouse takes something you can prove YOU bought.
17. If you own mutual funds, stocks, bonds, etc. Either lock them away someplace SUPER safe, or put them in a saftey deposit box.
18. Keep a get-away bag. You never know if an addict using will get violent or like mine did.. when he was jonsing.. what they will do for that hit is unbelievable sometimes. I made sure both myself and my girls each had a bag with essentials in it ready to go if we needed to.
A backup plan thought out with money put away also doesn't hurt, but if you need to get out, there are shelters everywhere, 911 is your best resource but I've had situations where my x would take the phones first or cut the cord while jonsing because he knew I would call 911 and he'd be one to be forced to leave.
These are just SOME of the things I've had to learn the hard way.
Hope it helps SOMEONE not have to learn like I did. I was financially RUINED and trapped in legal situations you can't imagine.
(I did not write this myself-but I can tell you that they are very good suggestions.)
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Excellent post, Raerae, and sadly these are all lessons many of us learned the hard way.
I'd just like to add one more, hope you don't mind....
If the addict becomes threatening or abusive for any reason, call the police. Waiting may cost you your life or serious injury. The applies also to those in the process of leaving or asking the addict to leave...the most dangerous time of all. Have a plan, have someone with you who can protect you if necessary and still call the police.
Sometimes we become so used to the insane behaviour that we fail to recognize the danger we may be in. We'd call for help if it was a stranger doing these things...well it IS a stranger if it is an active addict who cannot control his actions.
Be safe...period.
Hugs
I'd just like to add one more, hope you don't mind....
If the addict becomes threatening or abusive for any reason, call the police. Waiting may cost you your life or serious injury. The applies also to those in the process of leaving or asking the addict to leave...the most dangerous time of all. Have a plan, have someone with you who can protect you if necessary and still call the police.
Sometimes we become so used to the insane behaviour that we fail to recognize the danger we may be in. We'd call for help if it was a stranger doing these things...well it IS a stranger if it is an active addict who cannot control his actions.
Be safe...period.
Hugs
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
FWIW in NY State the published notice does not work and has no legal bearing.. hasn't for quite awhile.
HOWEVER, a hand written, signed and notarized letter to the credit card company (or whoever) does. However, you need to send the letters certified mail with a return receipt and keep all that paperwork together.
Reporting a card lost will also start a new record and prevent the old cards from being used.
HOWEVER, a hand written, signed and notarized letter to the credit card company (or whoever) does. However, you need to send the letters certified mail with a return receipt and keep all that paperwork together.
Reporting a card lost will also start a new record and prevent the old cards from being used.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: tween Mich.and Fla
Posts: 74
Who would have thought that we would be doing that stuff because a loved family member had no control. It is really sad that we have put up with that stuff and finally learned to say enough is enough. Those ideas should be put at the begining so that new people might be one step of the game. And not bringing up the rear as so many of us had. You have some great ideas that some I have done and others that I will seriously consider. Even though our son went back to his mission,shelter- homeless and knows that he is not allowed to live with us. Didnt know what a good nights sleep was for the past 6 months. Only when he was in jail did we sleep good. Thought I would have ever had thoughts like that. My, how we grow up even after many years.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Westchester County, NY
Posts: 8
Brilliant post, raerae. We had a lock installed on our bedroom door and like Houdini, my son used to routinely break the lock. Since we moved I refuse to put a lock on our door. I just won't live that way anymore and his stealing seems to have abated (only once in 4 months) since he's been in rehab.
I'd like to add one other thing to the list:
If you get pain medication from a doctor, don't leave it anywhere in sight. I had surgery last year and on the day I was being discharged they brought me an already-filled prescription of Dilaudid. I swear it never occurred to me that when I was changing my clothes in the bathroom my son would help himself to half the prescription. I never expected that level of sadism. That went above and beyond anything he had already done to me.
I'd like to add one other thing to the list:
If you get pain medication from a doctor, don't leave it anywhere in sight. I had surgery last year and on the day I was being discharged they brought me an already-filled prescription of Dilaudid. I swear it never occurred to me that when I was changing my clothes in the bathroom my son would help himself to half the prescription. I never expected that level of sadism. That went above and beyond anything he had already done to me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a State of Grace
Posts: 100
Dear Raerae,
This is such good advice!!!
Like the gas card, they also make money off of food cards too. Let's say you give them $20.00 to run to the grocery store. They find someone who has a food card who purchases $20.00 worth of groceries, but they only gave them $10.00 and pocketed the other $10.00.
Gosh, this just saddens me that I even know this........
Lithloren
This is such good advice!!!
Like the gas card, they also make money off of food cards too. Let's say you give them $20.00 to run to the grocery store. They find someone who has a food card who purchases $20.00 worth of groceries, but they only gave them $10.00 and pocketed the other $10.00.
Gosh, this just saddens me that I even know this........
Lithloren
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Central Valley
Posts: 51
Raerae,
From my experience, if you take your name off credit cards, etc., have them send you a letter to this effect that you are no longer responsible for said credit card. Had to use that with the collection agencies from my exah.
Also, if the car loan is registered as John Doe OR Jane Doe, you can refinance it and get it out of the addict's name without him even knowing it. I did this just in time...he was after it, stating it was in his name.
And if they are no longer living there, in addition to changing the locks, change the code on the garage door opener or be sure you have the opener back. This drove me nuts...didn't think about the code change and had a heart attack every time the ice maker kicked in because it sounded just like the garage door opening!
Great post...it's called CYA!!
Susie
From my experience, if you take your name off credit cards, etc., have them send you a letter to this effect that you are no longer responsible for said credit card. Had to use that with the collection agencies from my exah.
Also, if the car loan is registered as John Doe OR Jane Doe, you can refinance it and get it out of the addict's name without him even knowing it. I did this just in time...he was after it, stating it was in his name.
And if they are no longer living there, in addition to changing the locks, change the code on the garage door opener or be sure you have the opener back. This drove me nuts...didn't think about the code change and had a heart attack every time the ice maker kicked in because it sounded just like the garage door opening!
Great post...it's called CYA!!
Susie
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