drainedwife

my lawyer says i should file for divorce at the same time i file for the permanent restraining order... this is to protect my financial interests.
the restraining order can only protect you so much...there are alot of loose ends with it. my lawyer says we can always drop the divorce complaint..it takes a while for it to actually start getting processed (few months usually) and during that time my ah could be ( i would hope) getting better by doing whatever it is he needs to do in order to do so.....
i just looked at all the paper work i need to fill out and i felt sick..plus my ah is going to tell my children that "mommy filed for divorce" i just know that he will do that..and that is playing the kids against me and is a form of abuse....
please help me to understand that i have to protect my kids and me first....that even though i may not be ready to go through with filing it is the best thing for me and the kids right now....
thanks.....for your words of wisdom..im scared, confused, and sick to my stomache!

raerae6

Do you love him? I mean are you still in love with him? Do you think he will get help? When you see your future with him, what do you see and what feelings do you have?

drainedwife

but he is abusing me..i got a "circle of abuse" from the domestic violence people and he is abusing me in ways i didnt realize was abuse..i guess most of it if not all is due to the drugs...
as for looking at the future..im confused...i would hope that he could get help and make progress, etc, but will i always have to be afraid that anyday it could start all over again???
do i still love him.....?????? how do you know after everything that you've been through with this person, through the lies and deceit, the abuse, the drug induced behavior...how do you know what love is anymore??? I guess i still love the person he used to be.....but all that is changed right now....

historyteach

Drained;
Ask your lawyer if there are any other ways to protect your financial interests.
I know here in RI, they can post in the newspaper that one spouse is not responsible for the financial issues of another. But, that's only for future debts; not present ones. And if you own a house, it may be another issue altogether. I don't know Fl law at all. Each state can put their own laws into effect, and you need someone who is familiar with them.
Please be sure to take care of yourself and your children. You cannot fix him.

Shalom!

drainedwife

do i think he will get help... i really dont know....he says he will do anything, but he still doesnt think he has a drug problem...why hasnt he already made arrangements to go to rehab..he did say he was looking for drug counselors..in the past he has gone to drug counselors or therapists and he would lie to them about his use....
hes a smart guy, hes not stupid, and he has a very strong will, but i think it takes more than that to actually get help.....all he kept saying to me for the past yr. and a half was that he stopped using, he quit, he has no craving...he can do it on his own...and all i kept seeing was evidence to the contrary...will he get help..how could i ever know for sure???

raerae6

What other ways was he abusing you?

I am familiar with the cycle of abuse...I learned about it in domestic violence class and I was with my addict when i took that class. We had this handout...about the signs that someone is abusive or could be abusive to you in the future...I checked about 10 out of 20 and was STILL in denial even though I knew deep down that even though he could be incredibly loving and fun, he was not good for me the rest of the time.

I have been married and divorced once and I know how confused and conflicted you must feel.. Give it a little time and maybe some counceling at a domestic abuse center. You don't have to make a decision until you are comfortable with it.

raerae6

You will never know for sure. He is most likely a smart man. Most addicts (especially the smart ones) are very manipulative. If he is still trying to come home in my mind he is still in deep denial. I am giving a strong opinion here only because of my experience. He lies about his use, says he has no craving and is still using. Now he is abusive. He says he can do it on his own...some can, but with help he has a much better chance. Honey, your right if he was serious, he's be in rehab right now, or making arrangments.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but I know how addicts will do anything to stall for time and try to weasel out of going for help. Mine didn't go until he was so sick of himself that he was thinking of suicide-he went twice and relapsed again right after.

best

It takes letting go of that strong will. Becoming humble and seeking a solution outside yourself.

If you are not ready for a divorce...seek a court ordered separation.
Would be the same as a divorce as far as setting it up for visitation and $$ issues.
Will he change? That is up to him. Can he change? Yes if "If" he seeks the answers because he wants it.
It can be a hard road if you divorce and it can be a hard road if he gets clean as well. Both would require adjustments and growth. As far as him blaming you for the divorce... he will blame you for anything and everything that he is in denial about anyway. The children will learn the truth fast enough no matter what he says.

He bad mouths..You don't.
He blames...You don't.
He yells...You don't.

They will see what is what without even being told anything by you.

Lovestoomuch

That's a powerful question and a powerful realization that I've asked myself and thought at one time before too. For me, I also loved the man my exabf used to be, not the man he was now. It was a hard realization as well because I thought .........really thought I was still IN LOVE with him.

Sometimes making no decision is still making a decision. You don't have to file for divorce right now if you're not sure, but do protect yourself please. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

pjbs55

Drainedwife,
If you don't want to file for divorce instead file for legal separation. That will also help protect you some, but not as much as filing for divorce. Your lawyer wants to protect you and your children from the addict. You can always drop it later, if you are worried about your AH telling your children, tell them yourself. Tell them you don't want to do this but since daddy is sick you have to do it. If and only IF your AH wants help will he get it. Your hoping he gets well will do nothing to help him. If he goes into rehab but really is only doing it for you it will do no good at all.
Please remember the 3 c's
1. YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT
2. YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT
3. YOU CAN'T CURE IT
Any divorce is hard I know been there, but please protect yourself and your childrens future. If you don't file he can blow everything you have and you won't have anything in the future even the house. If you file and he really wants to get well you can drop the motion once he is clean for awhile.
Good luck.
Hugs.

Truffles

I agree file for legal separation - I think in NJ it may take 18 months for a divorce to go thru.

After you are separated for awhile you may decided that you don't want to be with him, at least this will give you some time alone to sort out your feelings and see if he will get help.

I would talk to your kids before he does, don't go into details. If they have seen the fighting they may it also might be some stress off of them also.

What is the circle of abuse?

ncdeac

Where I live you have to be legally separated for 12 months before you can proceed with the official divorce, though there is a lot of wiggle room on the the date you say you "officially" separated. I never had to legally file for separation but I was able to get some kind of temporary order that placed all the assets (house included) in my name only. I worked really hard to get myself financially stable. I opened a bank account in my name only that he never knew about, I called every credit card he had in his name where I was just an authorized user and had me removed from that account and started stockpiling money on the side. I knew that I couldn't control what he did anymore but I COULD control what I did. It became therapy for me to get myself more and more secure and independent.

And let me add one more thing, my AH has been clean and sober for over 2 years now. Our marriage is stronger than ever. BUT...I will never, NOT EVER, not ever ever ever, put myself in such a situation again that if he relapses or if anything else should happen in our marriage completely non drug related that I couldn't be out and on my own in 24 hours and be completely financially stable. I will never let myself be as dependent on anyone ever again. I love knowing what all I am capable of now. My AH's drug use nearly destroyed us and was without question the worst time of my entire life, but there was one silver lining in it and that was the change that I made. I love myself so much now, I'm so much stronger and for the first time in my 34 years of living I know that I deserve the best in everything in life and that nobody gets to treat me badly. You deserve all of that too, your kids do too. Maybe your AH will start recovery but then again maybe he won't, again you can't control that. Start worrying about what you CAN control. What "feels" right to you right now? Follow that gut, I have found in my life it rarely lies to me even when I want to ignore it.

BigSis

I tend to agree with the lawyer... as long as the lawyer understands you can change your mind at any time.

What I've seen in many instances is that some men (not all, Best!) but some men are especially good at protecting financial assets. I have seen enough women left financially destroyed by divorce that I believe they need to put a little extra effort into protecting those financial assets.

We gals tend to get all twingled up in the emotional side of something like this. But your lawyer has been through these more times ... his advice both as a man, and as an attorney should not be ignored.

You always have the right to change your mind.

((DW))

parentrecovers

hugs and support coming your way, drained. you deserve to be safe and happy. blessings, k

raerae6

The circle or cycle of abuse is described in the sticky thread above called "for the abused woman".

drainedwife

i dont know if im ready, its all happening so fast, first the TRO (temp. res. order) then the PRO (perm. restr. order) an then filing for divorce..but ive been thinking about it for a long time, knowing that i cant live like this anymore, that "this" is not a marriage, nor is it a health environment for my kids. But i havent had the courage to do anything about it until i was "forced into it" by his actions of abuse.

Live

I really wish I could remember off the top of my head the names of some very important books, but please see a DV counselor.

Addiction and abuse are two separate issues, that is the biggest mistake I made...I didn't recognize that. The real truth is abusive men are almost NEVER rehabilated from the topmost expert in the field working with them.

I was never told by my DV counselor to leave or stay. But when I became educated and....almost strangled to death. I had to get out.

And frankly, it is common to still love them. I still love mine....and read the thread Denny has about the death of her xhusband. She never stopped loving him.
See, I thought that was required. It isn't.

Abuse escalates and you may think you have some control, but you don't.
BTW...don't ask me what all abuse I put up with, the humiliations and how many times I went back for more. It's scary. I just had to make amends with myself about it.

live

Lovestoomuch

Yep.........been there.......done that too...........for way too long.

rose

In the beginning, I had to see a lawyer...my husband was in so much trouble, I was so distraught, in no shape to make any decisions. The lawyer I had knew the shape I was in, plus every time I went to see the lawyer, my sister or friend came with me.

The lawyer tried to get me to go on with a divorce, but I just could not make the decision,,,so what she suggested....lets maybe word it this way...At This Time I See no Hope of Reconciliation....that felt better for me to be able to continue on to do what had to be done to save what was left....

Only in due time was I ready to file for divorce....it didn't matter who or what anyone said or told me, I made the choice when I knew that is what I wanted...
I am sure some coud have hit with a frying pan many times, but only you know inside when the time is right.

Might be something you could ask your lawyer....At This Time!

Rose

raerae6

This is all so true. It is totally possible to still love those who mistreat you.

And abuse escalates and abusers can change, but it's only 2% that do they say.

There is a book I heard of recently that is supposed to be the best book out there about abusive men. It is written by someone who counceled abusive men for many years. I haven't read it yet.

It is called "Why does he do that?" The author's name is Lundy ____ I can't remember the last name.....