So mad I could spit....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: At the zoo
Posts: 244
So mad I could spit....
Well that probably gives you an idea that I am not a very happy camper.
This will probably be a long and rambling post as right now I could just kill my wonderful AD and if I don't get it out here you may read a bout me in the paper tomorrow.
After 3 loooong weeks back at home from college, with trying to stay away from each other, or being together and never really talking the truth comes out.
I haven't posted in a while because I didn't really know what to say or really what to think of how she was acting. Or I wanted to stick my stupid head in the sand and not see how she's been since she came home. Ahhh I'm so P*%$*d.
Sure she's using again, blaming not feeling good on the new meds she's been on since she got home, yeah right, sure, tell me another one.
No I didn't want to see what's right in front of my nose.
And no I'm not sure if I'm P*##*d at me or at her or both, most likely the latter.
And I even took her shopping this week and bought her stuff, but then I really wasn't sure about this, it's only the past few days that I really thought something was rotten here in Denmark. My nerves are totally shot, I walked around this morning and recited the serenity prayer for a while, after using that to get to sleep last night.
I know I can't make her get clean, I know that I'm really powerless over it all, but da*n I really just want to take her and smash her a shot and try to knock some sense into her. Like that would help.
I thought I had it together and right now I sure do not.
This up and down, back and forth, clean and using, it's enough to drive me right over the edge.
She has a chance to go to an inpatient program for 3 weeks, but she's not sure if she wants to go or not. Why, because she'd have to leave the fine wonderful upstanding young man who started her down this road. How dumb can you be? She's worried about HIM?? Oh I'd like to smash her a shot.
I showed her the reading for today "Into Orbit" her comment, "Oh S*&^ that's really stupid," does it describe her relationship with him to a T, yep. Can she see it? NO!
Oh man how stupid can SHE be??? This is a girl who's in college, gets good grades and she's this stupid? How? Why?
At this point I would like to just kick her dumb little butt out of the house and let her live in the car for a while, or maybe sitting in the woods in the dark would scare some sense into her. With her attitude I can't see that rehab would do her alot of good at this point. Right now I think that she's a long long way from bottom, sure she gets high she gets sick and that makes her not want to use. But if she's not really committed to finding recovery in a great big way, I can't see it doing any good at all. Also she's afraid of losing her job if she's out for a period of time, well in the long run what good is the money if it's only going to buy more dope or pay for her wonderful boyfriend. More stupidity! I hate stupid people! I think I hate this disease more!
Sorry for the rant and ramble, but I feel better and may even be able to sleep tonight, after I wear out the Serenity Prayer again
This will probably be a long and rambling post as right now I could just kill my wonderful AD and if I don't get it out here you may read a bout me in the paper tomorrow.
After 3 loooong weeks back at home from college, with trying to stay away from each other, or being together and never really talking the truth comes out.
I haven't posted in a while because I didn't really know what to say or really what to think of how she was acting. Or I wanted to stick my stupid head in the sand and not see how she's been since she came home. Ahhh I'm so P*%$*d.
Sure she's using again, blaming not feeling good on the new meds she's been on since she got home, yeah right, sure, tell me another one.
No I didn't want to see what's right in front of my nose.
And no I'm not sure if I'm P*##*d at me or at her or both, most likely the latter.
And I even took her shopping this week and bought her stuff, but then I really wasn't sure about this, it's only the past few days that I really thought something was rotten here in Denmark. My nerves are totally shot, I walked around this morning and recited the serenity prayer for a while, after using that to get to sleep last night.
I know I can't make her get clean, I know that I'm really powerless over it all, but da*n I really just want to take her and smash her a shot and try to knock some sense into her. Like that would help.
I thought I had it together and right now I sure do not.
This up and down, back and forth, clean and using, it's enough to drive me right over the edge.
She has a chance to go to an inpatient program for 3 weeks, but she's not sure if she wants to go or not. Why, because she'd have to leave the fine wonderful upstanding young man who started her down this road. How dumb can you be? She's worried about HIM?? Oh I'd like to smash her a shot.
I showed her the reading for today "Into Orbit" her comment, "Oh S*&^ that's really stupid," does it describe her relationship with him to a T, yep. Can she see it? NO!
Oh man how stupid can SHE be??? This is a girl who's in college, gets good grades and she's this stupid? How? Why?
At this point I would like to just kick her dumb little butt out of the house and let her live in the car for a while, or maybe sitting in the woods in the dark would scare some sense into her. With her attitude I can't see that rehab would do her alot of good at this point. Right now I think that she's a long long way from bottom, sure she gets high she gets sick and that makes her not want to use. But if she's not really committed to finding recovery in a great big way, I can't see it doing any good at all. Also she's afraid of losing her job if she's out for a period of time, well in the long run what good is the money if it's only going to buy more dope or pay for her wonderful boyfriend. More stupidity! I hate stupid people! I think I hate this disease more!
Sorry for the rant and ramble, but I feel better and may even be able to sleep tonight, after I wear out the Serenity Prayer again
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In
Posts: 561
I know that I'm really powerless over it all, but da*n I really just want to take her and smash her a shot and try to knock some sense into her.
So rant away, you have to get it out some how or you'll explode.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Oh Blue... (sweet gentle hugs)
I remember that anger... and I remember the pure terror from which it was generated. The pain of the disappointment and the fear... that fear. I hated that.
What made it better for me was meetings. Lots and lots of them. And coming in here, and knowing I was not alone.
You are not alone.
We have been through those times and we made it through. You will, too.
Better days are coming... I promise.
((hugs))
I remember that anger... and I remember the pure terror from which it was generated. The pain of the disappointment and the fear... that fear. I hated that.
What made it better for me was meetings. Lots and lots of them. And coming in here, and knowing I was not alone.
You are not alone.
We have been through those times and we made it through. You will, too.
Better days are coming... I promise.
((hugs))
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
It is so much harder when they return to live in our house and we have to witness the way they conduct themselves. I can feel the tension by reading your post. Hang in there, it is gonna be a long hot summer. Do you have any blinders?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
We took so many things away from our daughter when we found out she was using. She just took up with the addict downstairs and threw in our face that she did not need us. If your daughter has someone who will use with her and enable her to think it is okay while declaring his undying love for her, you will have a very hard time competing with that. Set your boundaries. If your daughter starts to use heavily college will be the last thing on her mind. I hope that she does the inpatient thing. My daughter used all of those excuses and more not to go, but in reality she was just not ready. Hugs, Marle
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Man, oh man, don't we wish just smacking them upside the head would work? All of our addicts would be cured, I bet.
Like Big Sis said, it's one day at a time. Meetings and this board are where I go to rebalance my life and get the focus back on me.
Mr. Hangin' said it best last night at our meeting. "Just because someone I love does things that disappoint me and affect me emotionally, well, that doesn't make it MY business." Trust me, Blue, we had to learn that the hard way because we have been disappointed and affected....big time. And we finally had to learn that even though we felt the disappointment and were affected by her choices, it was not our business to get all up into her life and "help" her get clean. She had to take the steps to do it. So we mustered up everything we had and stepped back and let the pieces fall where they may. It wasn't until then, until the stepping back and getting out of the way, that our AD began to seek serious recovery. The stepping back was the hardest thing I've ever done but THE BEST thing I've ever done....for her and for me.
Big hugs cause I know how hard it is,
Hangin' In
Like Big Sis said, it's one day at a time. Meetings and this board are where I go to rebalance my life and get the focus back on me.
Mr. Hangin' said it best last night at our meeting. "Just because someone I love does things that disappoint me and affect me emotionally, well, that doesn't make it MY business." Trust me, Blue, we had to learn that the hard way because we have been disappointed and affected....big time. And we finally had to learn that even though we felt the disappointment and were affected by her choices, it was not our business to get all up into her life and "help" her get clean. She had to take the steps to do it. So we mustered up everything we had and stepped back and let the pieces fall where they may. It wasn't until then, until the stepping back and getting out of the way, that our AD began to seek serious recovery. The stepping back was the hardest thing I've ever done but THE BEST thing I've ever done....for her and for me.
Big hugs cause I know how hard it is,
Hangin' In
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My heart feels your pain, Blue Pansy, because I've walked in your shoes and could never talk sense into a brain that was thinking of drugs.
I too learned that only by stepping back....waaaaaayyyyy back, could my son find his own way, good or bad, and learn his own lessons that maybe one day will put him on his knees and into recovery. And that was the only way I could find my own balance and start living life in the light instead of the never ending darkness of fear.
Meetings and SR helped me do this, and when I am tempted to peek into the darkness again I have about 120 people who are, by example, showing me that would never work.
The only choices my son made that I could control were those that included me...giving money, paying for anything that he could pay for himself, giving him a soft place to land and pretending that VCR's just disappeared into thin air.
My heart and my prayers go out for you. It's not easy being the mother of an addict.
Hugs
I too learned that only by stepping back....waaaaaayyyyy back, could my son find his own way, good or bad, and learn his own lessons that maybe one day will put him on his knees and into recovery. And that was the only way I could find my own balance and start living life in the light instead of the never ending darkness of fear.
Meetings and SR helped me do this, and when I am tempted to peek into the darkness again I have about 120 people who are, by example, showing me that would never work.
The only choices my son made that I could control were those that included me...giving money, paying for anything that he could pay for himself, giving him a soft place to land and pretending that VCR's just disappeared into thin air.
My heart and my prayers go out for you. It's not easy being the mother of an addict.
Hugs
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
been there, blue pansy. i understand. when my daughter relapsed and came home, we set her down with all the adults who care the most for her and told her - back to treatment or the locks on the house will be changed. she went back to treatment and is over 40 days clean/sober again. tough love! blessings, k
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
(((Blue))), I've been in your shoes at times. It seems now when my AD is in active use she stays away from me.........and that is good for both of us. She has detoxed herself more than once, but she doesn't seem to give up. She does everything the hard way.........I guess for her that is the only way to learn. She has openly told me that she will not come around me if she isn't clean. I have recently found that to be true. I do get scared when she isn't around, because I know she is probably not clean........but I can't do anything about it. I just pray that she comes to her senses on her own and does something about it. For today she is clean and seems to be doing okay. When I say okay, I mean she still has dysfunctional behaviors.
She needs counseling.........but that to is something she has to do on her own. Most things are out of my control. I control the things that I can and give up the rest. I understand your anger. I have trouble getting angry, but I wish I could.
Anger was just not in my personality.....but I am working at it. I was always just an even keeled kind of person, but since all I've been through my emotions are all over the place. I know my depression is a form of the anger I should be feeling. I'm glad you can get angry at her........I think it is a healthy reaction.
Keeping you and AD in prayer.............Lo
She needs counseling.........but that to is something she has to do on her own. Most things are out of my control. I control the things that I can and give up the rest. I understand your anger. I have trouble getting angry, but I wish I could.
Anger was just not in my personality.....but I am working at it. I was always just an even keeled kind of person, but since all I've been through my emotions are all over the place. I know my depression is a form of the anger I should be feeling. I'm glad you can get angry at her........I think it is a healthy reaction.
Keeping you and AD in prayer.............Lo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am late on this one. i hope you feel better today & got some sleep last night.u now there is nothing you can do or say to your daughter until she is ready & it does not sound sound like she is. i am saying a prayer that you can let go.i am saying a prayer that she will get ready soon.hugs, hope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: At the zoo
Posts: 244
Thanks to you all, I knew everyone here would understand my frustration and before I smacked her to try and knock some sense into her, I wanted to get it all out in a safe way. This is one of the safest and friendliest places I know for venting other than my usual meeting.
Part of anger came from thinking that I couldn't get away for a night this weekend to attend a party. I'm still not sure that I should go and leave her in the house alone, also afraid that she will invite her "friend" over for the night, but I'll set her straight about that. Also if I get away from this insanity, I may just keep on going. Don't I wish.
The truth is it's all out of my hands. She'll do what she's gotta do and I'll try to get back with the program.........
Part of anger came from thinking that I couldn't get away for a night this weekend to attend a party. I'm still not sure that I should go and leave her in the house alone, also afraid that she will invite her "friend" over for the night, but I'll set her straight about that. Also if I get away from this insanity, I may just keep on going. Don't I wish.
The truth is it's all out of my hands. She'll do what she's gotta do and I'll try to get back with the program.........
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