BigSis

I was talking to a program friend of mine. She is older than me and has been in both programs for a long time.

She asked about my daughter and son in law – both addicts, both clean (but no program). I’ve been struggling because they have an ADORABLE baby, with another on the way and yet they neither one work, nor can they seem to keep a house that doesn’t look like a garbage dump, nor do they do the “ordinary” things that a baby needs (his regular medicine when sick and a bath more than once a month).

Daughter is especially struggling as she had been taking anti-depressants, which REALLY helped. Then she found out she was pregnant, and the General Practitioner doctor took her off them. She will be meeting with her new doctor (the other one cannot perform C-sections and this baby will be a C-section)… anyway, she will be seeing an OB/Gyn on Tuesday. That will be the earliest she might be able to resume her meds.

The rent is all they can pay – they’ve already lost the phone, and the electricity was somehow still under the landlord’s name, so that bill is still coming down the pike. Daughter tried to work about a week ago, but ended up quitting. She told me yesterday that all she can bring herself to do is feed the baby and sleep.

Son-in-law is nearly as bad with his own issues.

I told my program friend that I was going to stop picking on the son-in-law about not working, as caused daughter to defend son-in-law… when I know she is tired of his not working as much as I am. Perhaps by backing off, she will be better able to decide if she can tolerate his fear/laziness/lack of work ethic… whatever it is.

Then I said we were also not going to pay anymore of their bills. Perhaps when they are faced with going to a shelter, then daughter will figure out what she wants.

My friend listened and then said, “Can you do that? Can you follow through…?”

So succinct. So to the point. I really don’t know if I can. And even if *I* can, whether Mr. Big will be able to stand by and watch these young, damaged, struggling kids take that baby to a shelter.

It reminds me what I say in here … all the time. My boundaries have to be things that I know I can do… else, they are only words. Most of us who have dealt with addiction know full-well what empty words do… they just build a resistance in the ones receiving them. If I want my words to mean something, they have to be followed up with action.

Here_I_Am

I just wanted to give you a hug. I always learn so much about me whenever I read your posts. I don't know what I would do in your situation. You do have a lot of wisdom on your side and I'm sure that you'll set boundries that you can live with. Hugs and prayers for you!

cinderellawkids

I hope she gets back on her meds. The withdrawal from mine takes 8 weeks of pure sickness, there are quite a few she should be able to take pregnant.

Youll be able to keep whatever boundaries you decide to set, Im sure of it.

kj0975

Well hopefully they will see the light and realize this isnt the way to live. My sister (non addict) works full time and still doesnt pay any of her bills its so hard to bit your tongue. Right now she has not has had electricity in who knows how long. Which means no fridge no stove no hot water no nothing. I wonder how can one live like this how could u be so irresponsible. Yet u cant say anything to her cause she just gets defensive and mean. I couldnt imagine living like that I dont know many people who could but they do. Even hard with kids. I hope Mr Big sticks to the "rules" of not helping them out and then they will open their eyes and see their way isnt working and will do something about it. My sister always somehow manages to get helped out of the messes she puts herself in and somehow never learns her lesson why cause she doesnt have to she knows someone will come in and help her.

parentrecovers

prayers that things can improve. blessings, k

Cupicake

So very true Big Sis. It is hard to hold back the words though because we want the words to be enough. We want our words to mean something without the action so that we don't have to watch the ones we love go down that hard road and for the words to push them into action. I think when we take action we place a certain amount of guilt on ourselves for what they become or will become as a result.

cece1960

(((((Sis))))
Wow...I wouldn't want to be put in your position...really, I wouldn't.
Lets hope that getting back on the meds can motivate her to dig herself out a bit. A lot of this may be being agitated by the lack of meds.
Just a thought...are their programs in the area for unskilled Moms? Around here they often have programs that help the young mom with skills both for her and baby, and for work.
She may just meet people like herself too...that seems to help matters in other programs *wink* *wink*
I will keep you all in my prayers
((((hugs))))
Cece

jsjohnson72

It reminds me what I say in here … all the time. My boundaries have to be things that I know I can do… else, they are only words. Most of us who have dealt with addiction know full-well what empty words do… they just build a resistance in the ones receiving them. If I want my words to mean something, they have to be followed up with action.

I am new here and this paragraph really put things in perspective for me. I always say I'm leaving you and I never do it. Just words. I am trying really hard put those words into actions this time. Gonna take a lot of strength but I know I can do it!

Lobo

Big sis, Maybe just maybe your daughter is going through those early weeks of pregnancy that make you extremely tired, and all you want to do is sleep. I remember those times that I felt like that. If I can remember.......it was a long time ago it usually was about the first 3 mo's. I'm not giving her excuses, but this could be some of the problem in addition to stopping the meds. I do remember even when I was tired I had to keep on keeping on no matter what because I had little ones depending on me. I am from the old school of hard workers no matter what. I know it is different today. Now of course he is another matter.........he has no excuses.
Hoping things will eventually work themselves out.

Sending support................Lo

BigSis

Yep - this is what is so hard for both Mr. Big and me. I had kids and worked and kept the house up....with LOTS of (unappreciated at the time) help from Mr. Big.

She is a bit more handicapped by the depression, but we both struggle with dealing with her husband. But he is HER husband, and she keeps reiterating that to us... it really is HER boundary, not ours.

I don't know why so many of the young folks I know don't have that same work ethic.... I wonder if I am just so old that I don't REMEMBER right? I didn't like work... I didn't enjoy getting up and showing up every day. But I did it...sometimes, not well...but I did it.

Today, there are more barriers.... son-in-law has a history that is not good. He has felonies on his record - many employers just don't accept felons for any reason. He is a recovering addict... not working a program, but not using, either. So he CAN pass a UA, but once he tells his background, there is a high level of distrust.

He is ADHD and Dyslexic - so he can't sit still, can't stop talking, can't get focused, and can't write almost at all. AND he has a huge amount of fear around all of those things.... AND he is immature.

So, he has HIS issues, as well.


My friend in program has a devleopmentally disabled son who is married to a developmentally disabled woman. She is in Alanon, in part, to deal with that situation.

At some point, kids are too adult to live at home, and too immature/disabled to succeed in the world.

I need to remember though, that each path is part of a larger plan, and that they DO have a Higher Power. And it is....


not me.... not me... not me!!

rahsue

helping by not helping I know is the hardest thing I've ever had to do with my a s as well as my ss and sd. boundaries are what they are regardless if they are with addicts or sober kids. I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do and my prayers are with you.

good luck

cece1960

No, I don't think thats it. Here in the office us "older" folks drag ourselves in unless we're actually sick, the younger ones you can guarentee will take thier sick days as given month to month.
And when I was young, I NEVER was allowed to take a sick day from school, unless I was actuially sick. No TV, no play, no phone...I was sick.

I can't say that I really enforced that as much as my parents did.

I take partial blame for contributing to the "instant gratification society" my kids seem to be a part of.

I'm dealing with a daughter, young mom also, who has chosen to be a stay at home Mom. Not a problem, except its her Dads home, and she barely contributes even to pitch in with upkeep.

**stepping down from my soap box now**

((((hugs))))
Cece

marle

I guess our job is to be not to do. My older sister was a pure slob when she was married to her first husband. I, on the other hand, was pure anal. I could never visit her because you could tell how long something had lain in one place by the thickness of the dust when you moved it She also did not work and slept all day. She is dsylexic and never finished high school. Today she works very hard at her job and has a very nice home that she keeps amazingly clean. She just needed a few more years to grow up. Your daughter and son-in-laws situation probably bothers you more than it does them. After all, they have lived through addiction and couch surfing and made it. Hugs to you and I hope that your daughter feels better soon. Marle

p.s. I remember a very wise lady telling me that a little dirt never hurt anyone

MsPINKAcres

((BigSis))

I'm in a similar situation with one of our daughters. She is not an addict, but definitely an "untreated Al-Anon" - lol.

Unable to pay rent, utilities - two precious little girls (ages 4 & 2), seperated from her husband - house would be condemned it is so nasty and just found out she is expecting again.

My head had the recovery knowledge that I wasn't helping her by paying the rent, buy my heart was breaking thinking about those two precious granddaughters of mine. Thanks to my HP for people I could call & just come hang out here to keep me from focusing on her.

She's trying to move out before the electricity is turned off & the landlord pad locks the house with all her stuff in it.

Anyway, didn't mean to ramble - just can relate to where you are - If I paid the rent this month, then she'd expect me to pay it next month too.

Sometimes the older they get; the harder it gets - guess because those grandbabies come into the picture.

Wishing you peace & praying for your daughter & her family,

Rita

mooselips

(((BigSis)))
Well big hugs to you, I know how hard this is on your heart. It's one of those darn if I do, and darn, if I don't situations.

But, you spoke the truth.
You don't know if you can keep that boundary.

Is there an easy answer when dealing with a youngster, and an unborn baby?
Surely that boundary would be easier to maintain if it was just your daughter, and SIL.

Will their H.P. provide for them if you don't?


They DO have some options.

Food stamps
Welfare until they're on their feet.
And welfare will provide job education (here in Ohio)
Wic program

It all comes down to what you are willing to live with,
it's a tough decsion, one that has to be decided after lots of prayer.

P.S. Right before I retired a couple years ago, I also noticed of lack of work ethics.

CatsPajamas

Sis,

You know I admire your program so much. You share from the pit of your aching mom heart, and we understand.

At least you aren't floundering about in IF ONLY they would.... since we both know they won't until they are good and ready so there ya have it.

It's a good plan to change your attitude/responses to the SIL. Sometimes they are compelled to action once they stop REacting all the time.

And if they have to go to a shelter? They probably won't be the only ones with babies. And perhaps, JUST perhaps, they will meet just the right person there. It may take a stark reality check such as that to shock them out of their egocentric behaviors and into realizing they have a family to provide for.

Again, who knows?

We love you and we're here for you 24/7.

Cats

hope213

(((((bigsis))))) you are so strong in your recovery. my daughter in law works everyday but does not pay her bills. she had rather go out with her friends & keep up with the jones. my husband & i use to catch her morgage payments up, pay her light bill & tote her & my granddaughter food over there.(my a.s.was in prison at these time).i think i felt guilty about him.the last time we paid her morgage up for 3months(,they were fixing to put locks on her doors.) we told her no more.since then she has found other people to do it.she has not changed at all.all of this was done with no pay back to us.i see now we were idiots...lol..she had the best of both worlds.i do not know if you can do this or not.i know u will make the right decision with your boundries.sending you hugs & prayers for all of you.

Wascally Wabbit

BigSis,
What a difficult decision to be faced with. I honestly don't know if I could watch my grandbaby go to a shelter either. Then again, there are so many single mom's who have lived in shelters, gone to school, and turned their lives around.
Take care bigsis.

Live

I feel sure the son in law would be eligible for vocational rehab because of his disabilities.

patchoulli

I just had a lesson reinforced from you...thank you....Marian