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i got a restraining order-what happens in family court?

Old 06-03-2007, 01:18 PM
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i got a restraining order-what happens in family court?

Last night there was a fight at my house.
It started with me finding some white powder on the kitchen table and me not being able to keep it to myself had to say something to my ah.
I am not 100% sure what it was..but i thought for sure it was coke. (looking back it could have been anything, but at the time i was so sure it was coke....)
anyway, he doesnt like me accusing him so he got angry and said some nasty remarks to me.
Later on we were supposed to go out to dinner with the kids. he didnt want to go because of what i said to him previously (finding powder on the table). i said cant you just go for the kids...and he said no....and the fighting began and escalated. He was calling me names in front of the kids and i should have just walked away. i was going to go to the restaurant without him, but my older daughter wouldnt go and i didnt want to leave her home while she was so upset and home alone with him while he was getting angrier by the minute. When i said that it wasnt the first time i found whte powder on the kitchen table he took the broom stick and was banging it on the kitchen chair right in front of the kids who were getting very scared and crying. then he said he was going to stop his direct deposit for his paycheck and went on his laptop to do just that....i forget what he said next, but i got angry and said something i shouldnt have...i told him what if i tell our older daughter what you are doing....and how we are not going to be able to pay the mortgage...right in front of her...i am so sorry i said tht ...and all he heard was "telling our daughter what you are doing" and he thought i told her about the drugs...He then went into an angry rage and started chasing me around the kitchen. he did catch me and it was so fast...he grabbed me, but i didnt get hurt..my kids witnessed all of this and my older daughter started punching him and hitting him trying to protect her mom.
He let go and i told him to leave or im caling the police and he is going to go to jail.
he left and then 1/2 hr. later he came back saying he was going to pack up his things. he never came back out so i took the girls and went to a friends house...then i decided to go to the police because this was not the first time it haas happened and i never filed anything before. so i got a restraining order, but said i was being harassed and felt in danger from staying in the house with him. I had to talk to the judge on the phone and she asked me if there are drugs involved and she caught me by surprise..i said "no " because i was scared and didnt know what to do and i had no time to think.
so he is supposed to have no contact with me or the kids for 11 days until we go to famiy court. i have no idea what to expect there or what to say. i didnt tell the whole truth because i didnt want him to get arrested..also, he could loose his liscence (his livlihood) and i do count on that for my bread and butter right now.
I know many of you have most likely been in this position and im hoping for some guidance...i still feel "bad" for him and sorry for him and i dont want him to hurt...why am i still trying to protect him?? i feel that if ididnt say anything to him inthe first place this would hav never happened even though i know i didnt deserve his reaction..no one does under any circumstances...also, he called the house and left messages on the answering machine and my cell phone about 10 of them alst night...
i am planning on calling a lawyer so i can get some advice as to what to expect next and also maybe a women's group for advice....

if anyone has gone through this, please help me if you can. i dont know what to expect next....
thanks...
also, why do i feel so bad???? why do i still not feel i am ready to file for divorce even though I want to get out of this life with an addict and stop wondering and worrying about whether or not his is bringing drugs into the house?
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Old 06-03-2007, 01:50 PM
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Whether you are ready to file for divorce or not, yoiu need to protect yourself and your children. Your children are you first priorty.

What will happen in family court, I do not know. I do know that you must tell the truth, no more covering up, He is an addict, you need to be honest.

Go to an attorney, get the legal advice you need.

As for feeling bad, I don't get it either.

Next? He probably will make all kinds of promises that he will not keep.

Do whats right for you and your children, they do not deserve to live in the home of an addict. You have to be their voice, it is your responsibility.

One day at a time, left right, left, right.
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Old 06-03-2007, 02:03 PM
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It's fine to not file for divorce. However, I think you should tell the truth in family court about the drugs. It could make you look bad if the court finds out later you covered for him. Drugs in the house is no joke and kids could get taken by family services. If they are just found in the house, how can they be sure they aren't yours, ya know what I mean?

You took a good step, but don't lie to protect him. Your number one priority is yourself and your children and if you stay away from AH long enough it will be easier to realize that, believe me.
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Old 06-03-2007, 02:12 PM
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((drained))

You live in Florida, I got a restraining order against my husband there. In my case there were no children by him involved, but I had my daughter from a previous marriage. I can only tell you what I know from my hearing.

The judge talked to me first. Wanted me to tell what was going on. I just told the truth. Then he asked him the same thing. Expect for your story and his to be totally different.

If the judge determines that a permanant injunction be placed on him, then he will address child support and a form of alimony until divorce proceeding or family therapy or something happens as an end result. They make sure that you aren't financially stranded and can't pay your house payment. It gives you time to do whatever it is you decide to do.

He will possibly be removed from the home, restricted from your work place and any contact. Visitation with the kids will be addressed as to weather or not there is any. It's very very important that you be totally honest.

I usually don't go into telling any one what they should or should not do. In your case, I feel compelled to venture beyond that. You and your kids don't deserve to live like this. I don't even know you, and I'm scared for you and your kids. When your daughter got involved, a line was crossed that never should be crossed. No matter how you feel about him, your kids need protection.

I don't mean to sound harsh here. I speak from my own mistakes. I should have put the restraining order against my husband long before I did, I should have protected my daughter, but I didn't see what was happening behind my back. The abuse that was going on. I'm not sure I would have believed it even if someone had told me. I was wrapped up in my cacoon of misery so much that I didn't see the damage. I loved my husband so much, I couldn't comprehend what he was capable of doing. I thought he was only hurting me. Hurting me for some reason was acceptable, forgivable, excusable. I was blind to what he was doing to my kids.

You have a job as a mother to protect your kids, you have a responsibility to yourself to protect yourself. You all deserve better.

Hugs and Prayers
B
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Old 06-03-2007, 03:31 PM
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Sweetie. Im in Florida too and I ahve been where you are. In my humble opinion your husbands reaction, and your reaction to him ect is all part of the disease, and do to his reaction in refusing dinner, Id guess he was feeling guilty and you were right.

All taht aside. Tell the Judge the truth, and tell her you were frightened too the other night. He cannot be arrested for you saying he used drugs, and you dont lose your license that easily. However, he can be prohibited from being alone with the kids if they find any possible evidence of it.

Ive called police and said my husbands inside smoking crack and you know what, wihtout probable cause to search him theres nothing they can do.

My 3 children 2,6 and 9 have seen way too much. All I can do now is go forward. The other night we saw AH my 9 year old who adores him, still was frightened that I might let him come over and stay. In his words, Daddy and you dont always get along and I NEVER want to worry about you. Kids should never have to think that way!!!
Protect your children and think of what they see and feel first. You will find a way to get through it I promise and in time it does get a little easier
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Old 06-03-2007, 04:36 PM
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I am so sorry -

I have never been thru family court, but I agree what the others have said, don't lie in court. There were many times I would second guess myself - you did not say anything to make him do what he did. It is NOT your fault.

My RAH has said that to me in the past, if I didn't say so & so he wouldn't have done or said what he did - it is just an excuse. If you didn't say anything this time it would have been something another time.

When my RAH was using drugs he could get very mean at times even now he isn't using but his moods have changed.

You shouldn't have to live a life in fear of what you may say to him or how he may react. Please don't feel bad for him, there is help if he wants it. Take care of yourself and your kids.
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Old 06-03-2007, 05:19 PM
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DrainedWife....

What if you had a "magic slate"? One that could show you the past... from some point in the future?

Let's pick June 30, 2009. You dial up your "past" and see this:

Jan 2007 - Discovered drug use
Feb 2007 - Argued repeatedly over drug use
June 2007 - Restraining order due to his violence
June 2007 - Lied to judge in order to protect income
July 2007 - Accepted beating in order to avoid his jailing (protecting income)
Aug 2007 - Allowed him to bring drugs into home in order to avoid angering him
Oct 2007 - Lied that I was driving during fender bender to save his license
Dec 2007 - Kids witnessed another horrible beating
Jan 2008 - Called in and covered for him to keep his job
March 2008 - Lied and said I fell downstairs to protect him
July 2008 - Tolerated unwanted sex to avoid fight
Aug 2008 - Lied to relatives when he went missing during family picnic
Oct 2008 - Intervened when he got violent with children
Dec 2008 - Emergency room visit - drug overdose
Jan 2009 - Allowed him to stay after losing job... afraid not to
Mar 2009 - Kicked him out due to bringing drug friends to our home
June 2009 - Unable to arrange his funeral, financially and emotionally destitute

If you could intervene in that process... which is admittedly, dramatic and probably entirely inaccurate... but if you could interevene, as which point would you take some action?

Most of us are "in the moment" and as we try to help the addict/alcoholic we protect them from suffering the full consequences of their actions... and we also do that to protect ourselves, as well. The truth is, that things are likely to get worse no matter what we do. And accepting that addiction is chronic, progressive and (if left untreated) fatal is important to us so that we can make the best decisions possible in order to protect ourselves.

I don't know about family court, but I hope you can take some of that good advice before mine and consider seriously how you want to respond to the judge.

You are in my prayers.
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