Louise54

AS has been home since Friday. He's says he doesn't have any desire to use. But, he went to a bar on Saturday night with his friend and didn't drink or use. Me and my husband are furious, because we think he should have stayed away from that scene for awhile. What do you guys think?

marle

He is old enough to make his own decisions. He is old enough to live on his own and pay for those decisions. If he continues to put himself in situations where he is tempted, he will most likely relapse. What you have to decide is do you want to be there when it happens. Time to let go. You can't stop him if he wants to go back to using. And what you will do is just drive yourself crazy worrying. Rehab gave him the tools. It is up to him to use them. Hugs, Marle

marle

One other way you could look at it is this: If you were trying to quit smoking, would you sit in a room full of smokers. If you were trying to diet, would you go to an all you can eat buffet. People, places and things. He has to be willing. Hugs, Marle

Louise54

My husband is really furious. Especially that my oldest daughter met him and then they went to an after hours bar. He still remained sober. But we're upset with her too, for not saying to him, "It's getting late, why don't we go home". AS said if you guys are going to be mad at me, maybe I should go live with friend. Right now, if my husband was home and heard that he'd probably say, maybe you should. I told AS I know there are plenty of ex-addicts out there that can go to bars, drink water, and have a great time. But you just got home, and already your tempting fate. He said I can't sit around and have to keep on living. I said there are plenty of other things to do to keep you busy. I guess your right, Marle, we have to let go and let the chips fall where they may. I think we're just panicking cause we don't want to have to throw him out again, cause this time it would be for good.

marle

One thing I will say about nagging him. He will turn it around and use it against you if he relapses. My daughter did that. Told me that I was so negative that I made her want to use. She forgot to tell me that she had already used. It is not your daughter's responsibility to watch over her brother. Don't put that guilt on her. Next time your son tells you it would be better if he goes to live with a friend, tell him you will help him pack his bags. You have a right to set boundaries in your home. If your boundaries are no bars, no late nights, no using, get a job and go to meetings, then you have a right to expect compliance. Sit him down and be really clear what will happen if he breaks your boundaries. You are not throwing him out, he is choosing to leave. Don't let guilt be your guide. Hugs, Marle

P.S. This is all said with love. I do know how hard it is to let go.

mooselips

Louise54,
It's completely you sons call. You have to remember, YOU are powerless.

My oldest SA, who was released from prison in March is drinking on occasion, his DOC was cocaine, and other upper kind of drugs. He never had a problem with alcohol, and even if he does, I'm letting it go, and letting his H.P. take care of him.

It's so hard trying not to control, but a little easier, when you realize you're powerless anyway.

Keep posting,
and hugs from one mom to another

Louise54

Right now, we are ripping up carpets on our stairs, and he's pulling out the staples and working real hard to have it done before husband gets home. I guess he's feeling a little guilty as well.

mooselips

Wow, we posted at the same time!

Hugs to you, and your son...

Louise54

That was weird! lol

Lobo

Louise, I know you are on pins and needle just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know it's hard when we analyze every move they make when they are fresh out of rehab. I have done it. I constantly felt like I was watching every move. It is emotionally draining. I agree with you that a bar is not a good place for him to go right now. It just goes to show he will do what he wants, when he wants and without your approval. It would probably be easier for you if he did live with a friend.
I understand how you felt about your daughter, but if that whats he wanted to do he would have done it with her or without her. Boy oh boy, these kids sure puts us mom's on an emotional roller coaster. I hope it gets better for you as time goes on.

Hang tough...........Lois

raerae6

I don't know what your son's drug of choice was, but it's better for him to stay away from booze or that atmosphere no matter what, at least until he's further in his recovery. The partying bar atmosphere could definitely be a 'trigger' to him. I have a suggestion, maybe he could stay in a half-way house for a while? Lots of people do after rehab. That way they are surrounded by other people who are trying to maintain their sobriety, and they always have a curfew. Of course it doesn't guarantee that he will not relapse, but he might meet people who are right there with him-trying to work toward the same goals.

caileesnana

Keepin you in my thougts and prayers!
susan

Lithloren

Dear Louise,

As hard as it is, and I know how hard it is, Ann has said numerous times. "Hands off the addict, Hands off their recovery".

As a recovering alcoholic/addict I know the worst place for me in the beginning was to be in a place where there was drinking. I needed to change my playgrounds and my playmates. It was hard in the beginning. Everything else was soooooooo boring. But I wanted to stop using, so I made a decision to try it. My parents couldn't have told me that though. The people in the program told me that. The people that had something I wanted told me that.

The only thing you and your husband can do at this point is to state your boundries. If he starts using again he has to leave. When I was reading your post I too thought, "Maybe you should".

I don't know if this what you husband and you are doing but, I got in the trap of letting my boyfriend stay with me while he was recovering because I wanted him to succeed. It didn't work. I wasn't helping him to be a man and find his own strengths. I was being the provider. I got into what John Gray calls "Role reversal". I am sorry I did it. We both suffered from my mistakes.

Hugs,

Lithloren

bookmiser

Oh, Louise, Louise, Louise. Sweetie, I have to agree with Marle on all counts.
He's an adult, but he lives under your roof. You could drive yourself insane trying to keep him clean. I did it with my son. I'll tell ya what though. If mine came home from rehab, and 2 days later went to a bar.... I'd flip out. lol
Having my son leave my house to go live with his dad, saved my life. He doesn't drink as much now as when he first got there. He still smokes pot, (aaarrrgggg!)
but I don't have to be around to crucify him for it. That's what I do. I'm a codie.
Lay down your law, and if he doesn't like it...let him walk.
It's tough, I know. I've been there. I feel for ya, but you have to let him do what he's going to do. Gosh, I used to talk to my son till I was blue about what he should be/shouldn't be doing/saying/going, ect. Now we talk, (everyday) and I find alot of "other" things to discuss. It's so much easier on us both. I thank God for Alanon, Soberrecovery, and all these great people who helped me to find my way.
To sr! Hear! Hear!

Louise54

All of you are so right. His DOC was opiates and not alcohol, but it's still not the right environment for someone in recovery to be in right now. My daughter has a name of a guy she knows who has been clean for about 1 year and she has his number. It would be great if he could be as sponsor. But it's totally up to him to make the first move. I have a feeling he won't. He's not using, but he's not doing the right things either.

Time will really tell. I know he should probably go to a halfway house, but we are going to give this one more shot. After this, he's totally on his own. He admitted to me that he's been using since 18 (I thought it was 20), silly me. He said the last 4 years have been a blur. Let's hope he can start a new clean life, but he's not starting out on the right foot, that's for sure.

hope213

louise, i am sorry he has started out like this. i have been there time & time again.in the rooms we r taught it is people, places & things that the addict needs to stay away from.alcohol even tho he has never had a problem with it always leads back to their d.o.c. it is hands off the addict as the others have told you or it will drive you insane.have you set ant boundries?my prayers are with you & your son.i really hope he will do ok.hugs,hope

laketime

louise, the counselors always told us to "just quit it", they would say if he wants to use, you can't build a wall tall enough to keep them from it. my biggest regret is letting my as come back after rehab. i think his odds would have been much better in a halfway or oxford house. maybe that would be an option for your as. its certainly what i would want for mine.

dollydo

He is an adult, he will make his own decisions...you cannot contol his recovery anymore than you could control his using.

Set your bounderies, if he breaks them, let him walk, he is your child, but he is not a child, no matter how hard you want to keep him as one.

Time to let go, it's his life, not yours.

I know this is difficult, but, the only answer is to let him find his own way, up or down.

Ann

Louise, recovery or no recovery, that would really upset me too.

Of course it was a stupid choice, of course it was not a healthy place for someone fresh out of rehab, but everyone's right, it's his choice to make even if it's a bad one.

Personally, I couldn't bear to sit in a front row seat anymore and I'd really be tempted to encourage him to live some place else.

Support and encouragement from a distance is a much safer option for US.

Yup, hands off the addict, hands off their recovery. I hated those words too but they still stand true.

Noah812

Louise - After I ended my relationship with my xagf I did the unthinkable. Her brother came to Texas to try and get clean as his sister had told him how well she was doing, yeah right. Long story short I like the guy and my codie ways made me take him in. He was close to going to prison for child support neglect and was trying to get off Meth. Kevin wanted to quit and at 40 yo with nothing had thousands of reasons to do so in his mind. He dried out in my house for a couple months he helped out a lot and was social but he would not go out. He told me the bars are full of the meth and he was not going to blow his recovery by taking that risk regardless if he wanted to use or not. Kevin would drink some beer and later a little smoke but not alot. Kevin got a killer job, worked his butt off and has his own family and home now. He is caught up on his childsupport and has made many purchases for his well deserving children as well as spending time with them. Over all he is doing great but to this day stays far away from where he might be tempted to use. To him he felt he had to stay away from old friends, habbits and drugs for a while or forever. I think your son should do some more thinking about the bars because of the drugs. JMHO