okay4now

My A. was clean from crack for 65 days and used 2 wkends in a row (stood us up).
He hasn't used in a week. Called last night that he wanted to come over. I am
on bed rest with cellulitis and phlebiis of foot.

Today he went to the store and got food for us, concrete to put up daughter's
teatherball, had child support money and money to put towards a pool for our
daughter. He was going to spend the nite. (couch) I heard that he couldn't wait
to see me. He loves me.

He called our daughter and said he was on his way and never showed up.
She is waiting for him. I want to cry but I'm afraid that I won't stop. I want to
scream. I want to be alone but I can't be.

I left him a message that said that he can't do this to our daughter. This is the
last straw.

Believe or not this is all new to me. We were together 10 yrs. ago & he was
straight. He was straight while in FL while we were getting re-united. He came
home and relapsed.

I can break up with him but she can't.

lostparent

Sorry your going through this wish I could think of something to say that would help. It really gets me to when they hurt innocent kids. Good thing she has a strong smart Mother to take care of her an help her through it.

okay4now

Mom is really not strong. But..I have no choice.

I am not doing so well with her....he dad is in my brain and is distracting me from
her. I am blaming it on my foot.

She is talking to me and I don't hear her. I feel so bad about that.

MeggieStar

Ouch, sorry. Don't know how old your daughter is but maybe you shouldn't tell her when her dad is coming over? That way she's not waiting around for him to show. If he shows, then it's a nice surprise. If not, she's none the wiser.

I agree though, it is absolutely heartbreaking for a child to wait for her dad to come or call and he doesn't...I've been that kid. It took me a long time to understand that nothing I could do would change my Dad's behavior til he did. Thankfully he's got over 20 years sober and is a great Dad now.

Love and hugs to you and your daughter...

okay4now

My daughter is 10 yrs. old. Fri. night he asked her (on the phone) if we had
plans for Sat. I told him he broke the big rule - he has to go thru me for plans.
And I don't tell her in case he stands her up.

He called a few times Sat. & told us what he bought for dinner, etc. and then
called at 2:00 - she answered and he cheerfully said that he was on his way here.

And never showed up.

The only thing I can do is change our phone number and that so disrupts our lives.
I did it for one month in the winter.

He moved back from FL to be with us & he was doing good there. I wish he did
not come back. I want him to go away.

Ladybugg

It hurts and it seems personal when they seem to choose crack over the people that love them the most. I think that is the part that was most difficult for me. I don't know if you read the sticky "What addicts do" but it kinda puts that part into prospective some. I was together with my husband 20+ years and we have been divorced for a year. I still struggle with that part to this day. One day I am angry at him because of it. The next day I have to tell myself it was not because he didn't love us, it was not personal. I understand more about addiction than his children do and I know they take it personal. The dissapointments are endless when addiction is involved.

I hope you feel better soon.
Try and take care of yourself...Michelle

lostparent

Your stronger than you think...I agree with just not telling her when he's coming over..or if he tells her then don't show.. depending on her age, maybe just say that's the way he is an leave it at that. How ever you decide to handle it just make sure she knows how much you love her an that his not showing up is no way her fault. My grandkids Dad only sees them maybe every 6 or 7 weeks he will call at the time he's suppose to be here an say he's not coming ( he's not an addict just a jerk), but the oldest is 7 an she is starting to figure it out. We just told them that some Dad's like to spend lots of time with their kids an some don't, an that they happened to get one that don't.
Will be praying for you an her.

raerae6

I admire you for putting your kid first! It must be terrible for her to wait on him and then have him not show...she's probably worried that something happened to him, poor kid. I had a few years with a crack addict and broke with him a few months ago. I know what it's like to experience thier habits, inconsistency is the only thing that is consistent with them! Your doing the right thing!!! My ex had a kid, too, not with me though. I know he dissappointed her time and time again. Lots of us have been where you are...people here can help you through this...they helped me.

I hope your little girl is doing well and hope your foot gets well too!!!

Your doin' good!

okay4now

I don't feel like I'm doing good. We were supposed to get married. I feel
self-absorbed & not there emotionally for my daughter. I still can hug and kiss
her but I feel like the twinkle in my eye is missing.

I did leave him a message. I said that he cannot do that to our daughter.
That was the last straw.

Aren't I scary? I imagine he'll call by mid-week. I'm thinking about turning the
phones off. I don't want to hurt him. He does care. He needs to go back to
rehab - VA only gave him 14 days. I know he hates himself for this.

But I am learning to not care.

okay4now

Thank you everybody for your posts. They have managed to calm me down and
not feel so alone.

raerae6

I just meant that your doing ok because you are recognizing the problem-your not in denial. You are putting your daughter first and looking out for her best interests.
I'm sure he does hate himself right now. My ex used to hate himself, too. I guess I will never understand why a person could hate something they are doing and still do it and not try at least to do ANYTHING they could to get better. My ex put himself in rehab twice in one year and relapsed again after 2 weeks both times. He would then say, "rehab doesn't work for me". I think the problem was that he didn't work for it! They say that many times a person has to go and try over and over b-4 they get it right. They have to change their whole life.

I hear you that you don't want to hurt him, that you two were going to be married. I'm sure that he doesn't want to hurt you two. I know that it hurts a lot to lose your man to addiction. I wish crack would have never been invented!! I still feel a lot of anger at my ex for what he did to me and our relationship, but I do care about him still-I do not have contact with him anymore because it hurts me all over again. I hope that he gets better even if i never see him again, and I hope that your man gets the help he needs to overcome this. If you cut off contact it might help him to realize that this is something that is way out of control and it may knock some sense into him. Lets hope so.

raerae6

Hey , I'm glad to hear your feeling a little better!! That is the good thing about a forum like this-there are people who really do understand the whole thing. I was just reading the post about 'how many bottoms are there' and they say that addicts have to 'bottom out' b-4 they seek recovery-well...it sometimes their loved ones bottom out as well as far as how much they can handle. It seems to me that you are at that point where you have bottomed out on dealing with his addiction...(((hugs)))

okay4now

I wish that people weren't so stupid as to try crack - not even one time-
knowing it was sooo addictive. I don't get that part - why do it in the first place.

When he relapsed before - I did no contact & he got worse for 2 mths. and then
went to rehab.

He sometimes went to mtgs. but was way too tired to go alot because of
physical exhaustion after working 10 hrs. I witnessed the exhaustion.
If he was not too tired - he might have gone to more mtgs. & may have gotten
stronger to fight the cravings.

I'm not making excuses!!!

I do know that he has been to rehab a bunch of times over the last 15 yrs.

I hope I someday can get to the place where you are at.
My problem is that I will always have to know him because of our daughter.
And I will always have a soft spot in my heart that takes turns with the anger.

raerae6

Beleive me I still have the soft spot, too. But I have a LOT of anger...my addict did so many crappy things I can;t begin to list them...He stole from me, lied to me, pawned my dvd player, stood me up, went out on an errand and didn't come back til the next day...all of these things and more over and over because of crack.

I was getting over him and then he started calling and I felt myself weakening, that was about 3 weeks ago and that is when i found this forum. I was encouraged a lot to stay away from him by others who had been there and it really helped to know I wasn't alone. There aren't many people I can talk to about it (I kept it a secret) and even the people who know haven't lived with the problem day to day...so they can't relate. I still think about him, but I had to save myself. Strangely enough i do miss him some-the REAL him, the one who he is under the addict. I wonder sometimes if I will find anyone new...I know I will...I just am gonna be so careful when i am ready to date again, I have big trust issues now.

People still try it cause they think it won't happen to them-addiction.

It's hard what you are having to go through, especially since you share a daughter.
Just set up some boundries to protect yourself and your daughter. In time you will feel better...I know that doesn't help much right now...He just has to keep trying til he gets it right!!!

lostparent

I agree 100%.. crack is what started my AD down the path to hell, now she uses heroin. She knew that crack was highly additive , had even wrote a report for school now it , but chose to use it anyway, like you I don't understand. Of course since then she's done a lot of things I don't understand.
Just wondering does your daughter know her Dad has a drug problem?

rozied

Dear Ok, Boy I can relate. My 1st husband was a compulsive gambler. I was 18 when I married him. I thought the sun rose & set on this guy & not only gave him my heart but my soul. That was a hugh mistake as noone but your HP owns your soul. I attended many Gam-Anon mtgs & found out just what I was dealing with. I had 2 sons with him & after 10 yrs of misery I divorced him. I know it is hard but believe me after many yrs of giving & getting nothing back I fell out of love with him
He used to do the same thing to my sons as yours is doing to your daughter. It got to the point where my sons were better off never seeing him than to be let down all the time. I found out the other day when he called me after almost 30 yrs that he went from gambling to dugs & now at 62 yrs old has only been clean & sober since he was 58. I stayed alone with my boys for 10 yrs then I met & married my present husband who I love more with each passing day. You can only give unconditional love to someone if you know they will never do anything you can't live with.
Take care of yourself & your daughter & stay strong for you both.
Love,
Diane
I will keep you & your daughter in my prayers

lastditcheffort

aw, my heart is with you. seeing any child cry out of dissapointment is very hard. I know you don't feel strong now, it builds in time. you really do nedd to give him some tough love.. you need to cut him off. he needs to work on himself and ehrn he is done .. baby steps back into your daughter's life. if you do marry him, my opinion is your jumping into an ocean with no life raft,and taking her with you. YOU are stronger than you give yourself credit for!! the power of prayer for you and your daughter..you 2 are the ones you need to look out for! and it sounds like your doing great! just change your number and dont tell her when he calls. god bless you both.

marle

My daughter lives with a crack addict. He has three young daughters, 14, 13 and 11. The youngest said to me that she hated her crackhead dad. That she could never count on him, etc. They lived with him and my daughter for 10 months last year. He would do crack all night and sleep all day. Those kids had to see it daily. They have now moved to Florida with their mom and my daughter tells me that when they call their dad, he is so antsy to get off the phone. It is sad, but I believe that your daughter is better off not to be put in the position of having to be around someone who is so inconsistent. Protect her from his addiction. Hugs, Marle

okay4now

Ladybugg, how hard it must have been to divorce him.

I don't take it personal either. I used to before I got educated about addiction.

I do get frustrated, angry, and it does it hurt. I know in my heart that I
deserve better. I just keep hoping it gets better. And maybe he will, again, be
the man I fell in love with. But..I'm not optimistic.

My big concern is my daughter. And that is part of the reason I can't walk
away from him.

okay4now

Raerae, You are a strong one. I haven't experienced the stealing, etc.

Just the standing up.