mistydawn_2001

I really love my boyfriend and he says he loves me but i'm really worried about him he smookes weed a lot and does pills mostly oxys when he can get them he drinks a lot to . he keeps saying he wants to quit and he will when he gets a job after hes done with school(we take electriicty togather thats how we met) when i started talking to him he told me he smokes sometimes then a week later he said hes going through withdraws from oxys, scince then he gets really depressed and upset if he has to stay sober, I love him and want to help. i told him about this website and he said it wont help him i told him it feels like i dont know him when hes sober and that if we ever plan on moving in with each other he has to stop the drugs. I have a 3 yr old and am making a future for her this is hard for me I used to be depressed alot before I got divorced a few years ago and its taken awhile but i'm going to school and want to make a good liffe for me and my daughter. he has 3 kids and has custody his mom helps alot. they are great kids and have had problems with their mom using and she is in prison. I want to help them. I dont want to break up with him he is a good person I just dont know what to do. sorry this is so long. thank you misty

Ladybugg

misty, Maybe you are seeing a "red flag" ??? I think your thoughts are right on track and it is good that you are trying to figure it all out. You are asking yourself all the right questions. One thing I wish that I had understood in the beginning of my relationship with an addict is that there is only one thing I can do to help....not help. There is nothing you can do for him as this is something that he has to figure out on his own. It could be a long hard road that he has ahead of him....and you guys as a couple. No one can tell you what to do either, but here at SR you can educate yourself about addiction and codependency. Then you will be able to make your own decisions for you and your daughter. When I came here the first time I was looking for help for my husband.....what I found was help for me. I hope you stick around and read and post, there are some good people around here.
Oh and I almost forgot.....Welcome!!!
Michelle

marteen

You and your child deserve better. I'm not saying this is a bad person but addiction is a terrible "mistress". You cannot "fix" him, "help" him or "lead" him out of his addiction. He owns that and the subsequent behavior and consequences. But you really need to consider your child and not expose her to this. I would suggest that you try to attend at least a couple naranon or alanon meetings so you can get a better idea of just what you are up against. I don't think you are ready for this roller-coaster ride and I don't think it's advisable to put your daughter on the ride at all.

That is my opinion.

Hugs,
Marteen

mooselips

Misty,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
When I first came here, I, too, was looking for someone to help me "Fix" my youngest son. Little did I know I found help for me!

I started focusing on myself, on what I wanted from my life, and it sure sounds like you too, are thinking of what's best for you and your daughter.

Unfortunately the posts before me are right, you can't fix him, he has to do that himself, but you can help YOU to feel better.

See if you can pick up the book, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, it's an old book, but a great read, and may answer alot of questions for you.

Remember, you and your daughter come first.

Keep posting, we're all here for you.

raerae6

Hi Misty, Welcome! I can understand why you want to help this guy, especially since he has the 3 kids and the mom is locked up. It sounds like his parents help him out a lot with the kids which is good.

How long have you been seeing him? I ask because if he has been saying he wants to get clean and he's been saying it for a long time and not looking into any kind of program or making a serious effort, then that would be a red flag for sure.

Thing is, noone can get him to quit, he has to want to and be making a real and honest effort. If quitting on his own is not working and he is not seriously thinking about in-or-out patient treatment, or checking into it, then you might want to show him some 'tough love' and say "either you make a REAL EFFORT and not just talk or I have to distance myself from you."

A lot of people here have gone through a similar situation to yours, and you can get tons of good input here....for years I tried to get my bf to stay off crack and it just didn't work-Then the turning point for me was reading the book Mooselips recommended-it changed my life!!! It's beeen in print for 20 years and there's a good reason why.

I know you care about this guy, but please put yourself first!

I hope this helps.

Ann

Misty, welcome to a wonderful place where we truly understand your situation.

I wish I could promise you a fairytale ending, but living with anyone active in addiction is very difficult and can easily drag us into their hell with them. Please be careful and continue to think of yourself and your daughter first...you can take care of yourself and your child but sadly there is nothing you can do or not do to change your friend. Only he can do that when he is ready and it will be his actions, not his words, that will show you when that time has come.

In the meantime, please keep yourself safe and I hate to say this out loud but protect your money. As a single mom in school, I'm sure you need every penny. It's just a common practice for active addicts to steal, lie and take what little we may have to finance their drug use...no matter how much they love us. Take a read around and you will see what I mean.

Stick around, read the sticky posts at the top of this forum and buy yourself "Codependent No More" that the others have suggested, it's a terrific book that has helped so many of us here.

Hugs

rozied

Dear Misty, First Welcome to this great group. The posts that came before me are right, there is nothing you can do to help him, he must help himself. Addiction is a disease & no matter how much an addict says they love you the addiction always comes first. Protect yourself & your daughter by protecting your money. I was a single parent for 10 yrs & as Ann said, I am sure you need every penny.
The book that was recommended is very good. I found another bk that was helpful. Titled " The Enabler, When Helping Harms The Ones You Love " by Angelyn Miller.
Love,
Diane

splendra

I think the best way to help him is to go your own way do what you want to do and don't let his stuff keep you from your plans for you.

Take good care of yourself and don't fall for any of his ploys to help him....

raerae6

I will add that my addict stole from me on numerous occasions!! Do protect your money girl! Also like the quote above says, His actions are where the truth lies!

You sound like smart and compassionate girl, and I'm sure you'll do the right thing!!

Lithloren

Dear Misty,

That's how they hook you. By telling you that they want to quit and that they will quit when.......(insert future event here)......

Misty, it never happens. You're future together always ends up being just that..."in the future".

What ends up happening is that we end up waiting for these promises made by our addicts to become reality and base our relationship on what they say is going to happen in our future rather than what is actually happening today.

That's what happened to me. My Ex-ABF told me he was clean when we first met. After we became exclusive we made plans for our "future". Most of the plans were made by him. One of the reasons I fell in love with him was because we wanted the same things in life.

The truth is, is that he didn't clean up. He justed switched drugs. It was easier to hide crack use from me than meth use.

Long story, but I broke up with him. He started attending Narcotics Anonymous, got clean for 30 days, relapsed, got clean 30 days, relapsed. Right now I don't see him going for recovery again.

Believe me I know how hard it is to let go. We really want the future that was painted. But, until they have at least a year of recovery and they do it because they want a different lifestyle, everything is still "just in the future".

hugs,

Lithloren

raerae6

Lithloren was telling it just like it is.....Him saying he would stop after this and that happens is a red flag for sure. Getting clean should be his first priority if he's really serious. Nothing else is going to work out unless he's clean first.