financial worries..i cant stop worrying aout them
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
financial worries..i cant stop worrying aout them
My ah still has his job, but we have soooo much debt and expenses. Plus i dont know how much he is spending on drugs ... he is taking cash advances on credit cards...
I am working full-time right now, but it is entry-level pay or less. My new therapist and i agree that i am not ready to take on a more demanding job, and my kids need their mom since they cant count on their dad, and there is no family close-by who will help me.
I am just starting to put some money away...I cant keep our joint account in my name only because his paycheck pays the bills. what he has done though is stop his direct deposit. he keeps telling me that he has requested it go back to direct deposit but it hasnt happened yet..he gives me the paycheck when he gets it to deposit in the bank. what i think he is doing is that he will get expense checks from work for travel expenses i.e., gas and such, so i think that comes as a seperate check and he must be keeping that.
any other suggestions as to what i can do to hep me financially????
thanks!!
I am working full-time right now, but it is entry-level pay or less. My new therapist and i agree that i am not ready to take on a more demanding job, and my kids need their mom since they cant count on their dad, and there is no family close-by who will help me.
I am just starting to put some money away...I cant keep our joint account in my name only because his paycheck pays the bills. what he has done though is stop his direct deposit. he keeps telling me that he has requested it go back to direct deposit but it hasnt happened yet..he gives me the paycheck when he gets it to deposit in the bank. what i think he is doing is that he will get expense checks from work for travel expenses i.e., gas and such, so i think that comes as a seperate check and he must be keeping that.
any other suggestions as to what i can do to hep me financially????
thanks!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Bucks County PA
Posts: 1,343
one thing you should check is your credit report - you can go online to freecreditreport.com and get a free copy once a year from all 3 credit bureaus, that should help you see what debt is in your name and what you could end up being responsible should he stop paying the bills. obviously you can't control what he is doing with the money, so try to focus on what you can do, like saving a little money here and there. i know you started working on some plans to become more self-sufficient - i would stick to your plans, and try to let go of what you can't control.
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
DW
I have been where you are. I know it is very overwhelming. You have to start somewhere however. Sometimes that might just mean one little thing, not one little thing with every issue you have.
It sounds like your AH is scamming some money out of the paychecks/expense checks etc. My AH has done the same thing. Had expense checks sent to him on paper so he could cash it without me knowing.
I know his paycheck pays the bills but if you really want to protect yourself you need to start removing your name or his name from any joint accounts or credit cards. If he is cash advancing on CC in your name YOU are liable for that no matter what. My AH's check was direct deposited into my personal acct and I paid the bills. It sucked in that if my AH wanted money he asked me for it. But on the other hand, I protected myself. I have no CC's jointly, accounts or the mortgage.
You need to check your credit report so you know exactly how much debt you are in and what is his/yours/ or joint. That way you can form a plan. If nothing else, open your own account and save your money in there, don't tell him you have it.
You need to understand that unless you take precautions things will most likely get worse. I know you feel buried but you just do the best you can and it will have to be good enough. I've been in exactly the same position so I do understand. One step at a time, get some face to face help from others who deal with these situations (alanon or whatever). You may find a network of friends that can give you good advice or avenues to pursue.
I have been where you are. I know it is very overwhelming. You have to start somewhere however. Sometimes that might just mean one little thing, not one little thing with every issue you have.
It sounds like your AH is scamming some money out of the paychecks/expense checks etc. My AH has done the same thing. Had expense checks sent to him on paper so he could cash it without me knowing.
I know his paycheck pays the bills but if you really want to protect yourself you need to start removing your name or his name from any joint accounts or credit cards. If he is cash advancing on CC in your name YOU are liable for that no matter what. My AH's check was direct deposited into my personal acct and I paid the bills. It sucked in that if my AH wanted money he asked me for it. But on the other hand, I protected myself. I have no CC's jointly, accounts or the mortgage.
You need to check your credit report so you know exactly how much debt you are in and what is his/yours/ or joint. That way you can form a plan. If nothing else, open your own account and save your money in there, don't tell him you have it.
You need to understand that unless you take precautions things will most likely get worse. I know you feel buried but you just do the best you can and it will have to be good enough. I've been in exactly the same position so I do understand. One step at a time, get some face to face help from others who deal with these situations (alanon or whatever). You may find a network of friends that can give you good advice or avenues to pursue.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
hey, its drained
the credit cards are in his name only. i did a credit report on him and it was so confusing because he keeps closing out cards and transferring balances. Im not even sure how much is owed after viewing the report.
He would never go for having the joint bank acct in just my name only.
If things get alot worse I will have to do these things, but will probably just file for divorce. I wont tolerate him stealing, or using money from our account for drugs so that we cant buy food or pay the mortgage....also, if things were to get that bad, i would have to tell his parents what was going on and i would ask them to help their grandchildren....i know i cant count on that, but i know they wouldnt let their grandchildren be homeless or starve.
The best thing i can do right now i guess is make sure the bills are paid, and then put some away.....but it is just so scary to think what will happen if he keeps up his habit....
my friend told me that even if he lost his job, he is required to pay alimony, and they would take it from his life ins. policy or whereever they could...it that true???
also, i live in a state that even if my name is not on his credit cards, i am responsible for the debt. unless somehow it can be proven that he is using it to buy drugs, but that i have been told by lawyers isnt easy to prove and can be expensive, especially if he doesnt have a record, or hasnt been to any rehab or anything....
He would never go for having the joint bank acct in just my name only.
If things get alot worse I will have to do these things, but will probably just file for divorce. I wont tolerate him stealing, or using money from our account for drugs so that we cant buy food or pay the mortgage....also, if things were to get that bad, i would have to tell his parents what was going on and i would ask them to help their grandchildren....i know i cant count on that, but i know they wouldnt let their grandchildren be homeless or starve.
The best thing i can do right now i guess is make sure the bills are paid, and then put some away.....but it is just so scary to think what will happen if he keeps up his habit....
my friend told me that even if he lost his job, he is required to pay alimony, and they would take it from his life ins. policy or whereever they could...it that true???
also, i live in a state that even if my name is not on his credit cards, i am responsible for the debt. unless somehow it can be proven that he is using it to buy drugs, but that i have been told by lawyers isnt easy to prove and can be expensive, especially if he doesnt have a record, or hasnt been to any rehab or anything....
Starry Girl
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Starry Night
Posts: 251
Keep your thoughts in the now, DW. You are projecting a lot of "what if's" and that can drive you mad.
If he won't allow his check to go into your personal acct, then still remove your name from the joint acct. It is more important to protect your personal financial status than anything else. What, can he not write checks to cover the bills? I've never understood why my AH seems incapable of paying bills, which is why I always just wrote the checks. However if I needed to I would sit down with him and literally force him to write the check or pay the bill and then I would mail it.
In my state, my AH would not be required to pay alimony because we have not been married long enough (we have been married 4 years). He would be required to pay child support. This would be no matter what his employment status was. He would be court ordered to do so, but it is generally hard to get them to pony up the money.
My advice to you would be to find a Woman's Advocacy group in your area, a place that might specialize in family law or custody and see what they say about protecting yourself. You don't seem ready to really commit to any long term plans yet, which is fine, just take little steps.
You mentioned you did a credit report on your AH. I would say why?? You need to do a credit report on yourself! When you stop being so concerned with his choices and lifestyle you will have more time and energy to focus on your own. Said with love and respect, from one who has been there...
If he won't allow his check to go into your personal acct, then still remove your name from the joint acct. It is more important to protect your personal financial status than anything else. What, can he not write checks to cover the bills? I've never understood why my AH seems incapable of paying bills, which is why I always just wrote the checks. However if I needed to I would sit down with him and literally force him to write the check or pay the bill and then I would mail it.
In my state, my AH would not be required to pay alimony because we have not been married long enough (we have been married 4 years). He would be required to pay child support. This would be no matter what his employment status was. He would be court ordered to do so, but it is generally hard to get them to pony up the money.
My advice to you would be to find a Woman's Advocacy group in your area, a place that might specialize in family law or custody and see what they say about protecting yourself. You don't seem ready to really commit to any long term plans yet, which is fine, just take little steps.
You mentioned you did a credit report on your AH. I would say why?? You need to do a credit report on yourself! When you stop being so concerned with his choices and lifestyle you will have more time and energy to focus on your own. Said with love and respect, from one who has been there...
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Here is my sugggestion.. have a bank account in your name only and take some of the money from his check and put it in there along with what you are already putting in there.
When you get his check to deposit, I am sure you must take out some cash for day to day stuff. Increase that a little and put the xtra cash in your account.
The only way to stop worrying over finances is to make sure you have enough money to live on yourself. If your husband is changing credit cards and using one to pay off another (this is common for people who are getting to the end of the credit line!) then he is fast approaching financial insecurity, good job or not.
While your therapist may suggest you are at your work load level due to stress, she or he is likely making this statement from a position of financial security. You can ease your mind in all this by taking control of your money and your life so you can be sure to take care of you (and your kids).
BTW you are their Mom. You cannot be their Dad too. Don't expect yourself to be both. Do what you can. Be honest with your kids about their Father. Be honest with yourself about their Father.
When you get his check to deposit, I am sure you must take out some cash for day to day stuff. Increase that a little and put the xtra cash in your account.
The only way to stop worrying over finances is to make sure you have enough money to live on yourself. If your husband is changing credit cards and using one to pay off another (this is common for people who are getting to the end of the credit line!) then he is fast approaching financial insecurity, good job or not.
While your therapist may suggest you are at your work load level due to stress, she or he is likely making this statement from a position of financial security. You can ease your mind in all this by taking control of your money and your life so you can be sure to take care of you (and your kids).
BTW you are their Mom. You cannot be their Dad too. Don't expect yourself to be both. Do what you can. Be honest with your kids about their Father. Be honest with yourself about their Father.
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
Great advice above me but I also agree that you should open up a bank account with just your name on it. he doesnt need to know anything about it and just start saving... it may not seem like much in the begining but it will grow. I also think that if you had a more demanding job maybe knowing that your financially secure could help ease your mind about finances.
Hugs and prayers to you.
Jewel
Hugs and prayers to you.
Jewel
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 61
I agree open up an account in your name only. I actually have one in my son's name. Every little extra money you get put it away. At one point our tax refund came, I kept it for myself. My husband was so out of it and I paid the bills, I told him it went towards bills, he didn't question me.
When I went to a lawyer, in NJ - they said I wouldn't be responsible for his credit card debt. He would have to prove it that the money was used for the house or family. I think that would be hard to do considering he wasn't home much and the charges weren't in the area we lived. I documented everything and saved everything. To this day I still have Ezpass statements, phone bills, old bank accounts.
I agree don't worry about his credit report, my husband knows he has horrible credit. At one point money was so tight, I would be a little late paying the car payment, but it wasn't in my name so I wasn't worried about it.
My husband use to have money from his paycheck go into a separate account that he said was for stuff - motorcycle, going out with his friends. Well he sure dipped into our account and then did cash advances also. All my money would pay the bills, but I started taking from my check and putting some money on the side.
Best of luck -
When I went to a lawyer, in NJ - they said I wouldn't be responsible for his credit card debt. He would have to prove it that the money was used for the house or family. I think that would be hard to do considering he wasn't home much and the charges weren't in the area we lived. I documented everything and saved everything. To this day I still have Ezpass statements, phone bills, old bank accounts.
I agree don't worry about his credit report, my husband knows he has horrible credit. At one point money was so tight, I would be a little late paying the car payment, but it wasn't in my name so I wasn't worried about it.
My husband use to have money from his paycheck go into a separate account that he said was for stuff - motorcycle, going out with his friends. Well he sure dipped into our account and then did cash advances also. All my money would pay the bills, but I started taking from my check and putting some money on the side.
Best of luck -
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You can't change what you haven't done in the past, all you can do is change what you are going to do in the future. This tight money situation didn't happen over night, nor will the struggle to get out of this mess.
I agree with the others, start stashing as much money as you can.
Instead of thinking about how your parents or his parents can help you, why not figure out how to help yourself? Get on the phone, see if you can arrange some credit and legal counciling.
It is great that your therapist agrees with you that you should not persue a better paying job and spend the summer with your children, however, the therapist doesn't have to pay your bills and never will.
Time to stop saying "I can't" and start saying "I can".
I agree with the others, start stashing as much money as you can.
Instead of thinking about how your parents or his parents can help you, why not figure out how to help yourself? Get on the phone, see if you can arrange some credit and legal counciling.
It is great that your therapist agrees with you that you should not persue a better paying job and spend the summer with your children, however, the therapist doesn't have to pay your bills and never will.
Time to stop saying "I can't" and start saying "I can".
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