I'm New...

Old 06-01-2007, 05:05 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
marle's Avatar
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Remember that when you talk to your son, it is the addiction talking. Don't let him try to guilt you. At one time I called my daughter some very bad names. I have since said sorry. I know that I was not a perfect mom, but everything that I did for my daughter was out of love. The saying, "you do the best you can, when you know better you do better" applies to dealing with addiction too. Hugs, Marle
marle is offline  
Old 06-01-2007, 06:10 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
I'm HOME!!!!!
notsleepingwell's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Just wanted to jump in and welcome you home!!! Another mom of an addict here. I just discovered May 06 that my daughter was a junkie. She was 29, a registered nurse, a single mom, who had it all....a car, career, nice furniture, apt....I now have custody of my 12 year old grandson, and she is a junkie know the ones you see in the worst part of town. Very skinny, track marks everywhere.

Her son and I have been devastated, I had to give up my job on the west coast and move home to raise my grandson. She was missing last year until almost Christmas time, we went 7mos not knowing if she was alive or dead. She showed up very much alive, but so emaciated, just a bone rack!!! But we are taking baby steps toward recovery....she is now on methadone and trying to get her life back.

I wouldn't have made it this far without SR!!! There are angels here on this site, and they will walk beside you all the way....24/7.....we're always open!!!

notsleepingwell is offline  
Old 06-01-2007, 08:40 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
hope213's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. my son is my addict too. there is alot of great advice ahead of me.i just want you to know you are not alone. please keep coming back.i will say a prayer for you & your son.hugs, hope
hope213 is offline  
Old 06-01-2007, 10:19 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
((Trying)) Welcome.......another mom here. My beautiful daughter became addicted to drugs 5 yrs. ago. She is 26, and you name it and we've been through it. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would be living this life. It is my worst nightmare. Even after 5 yrs. I don't understand what it is like to be addicted. My worst addiction is peanut m&m's. I thank God that I found this site. The mom's on here have helped me so much with all of their sharing and caring. They are the ones who know how I hurt because they all feel the same way. There are days that someone just says the right thing to lift me up. You know my mom is 88 and she raised 5 children, she always says "little kids step on your toes and big kids step on your heart". I feel like mine has been trampled to death. I have said things to my AD that I regret and I am sorry for and I have told her so. But sometimes you just lose it, because you are so frustrated. I'm sure a lot of us have done that. We just love them so much and want them to be normal so bad. I pray a lot and have others praying a lot too.
I will pray for you and your son. Whenever you need a friend who understands just click on, someone is always here.

Lobo is offline  
Old 06-02-2007, 07:04 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Break Free

Hi, I really understand your that your heart is breaking. My son has been using for 8 yrs and he is 23.
It sometimes takes us as parents a long time to admit there may be a problem and much longer to let go because we love our kids so much and all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. I just didnt get it. My eldest son is an addict and extremely handsome too. He never stole from me, that I know of. I always feared it but he would sell his own stuff first. I actually kicked him out of home at 16 because of the violence and he went to live with his father which ended in disaster too.

Anyway, you have to Break free from him - he has to have consequences and know how much he has hurt you. The emotional game playing is unbearable and frustrating I know, so to be human you must let him go. Do not let him live with you if he is using, give no money and do not let him in the house alone. My son too told me horrible things because its about them. Ended up he was stealing, arrested etc etc and it just about killed me. My son stealing, I blamed myself but I know it wasnt my fault. I treated my sons equally and brought them up with the same values. Im not perfect and either are you. Accept you have done all you can do and it is now up to him to find his way, get responsible and learn the hard way.

Good luck to you
justjo is offline  
Old 06-02-2007, 11:52 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
grateful rca
teke's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
welcome to sr, the addict in my life is my hubby of 21yrs, i do understand the hearbreak and i'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. i'll continue to pray for you and your son, i pray that he finds his way and that it will stick. there is always hope, i'm also a recovering addict of a few yrs.
teke is offline  
Old 06-02-2007, 06:23 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Hug giver-outer!
marteen's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
First of all, welcome to SR. and secondly, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There are many of us who have been plunged into the fire of our child's addiction and we have come out of it; a bit singed but all in one piece.

It's never easy. I have an addict daughter, 26, who has a 2 yr old herself. Things will probably never be the same but I have learned, through my own recovery, to "accept" that I did not cause this, I cannot control this and I cannot fix this. I cannot live my AD's life and while I hate what this has done, I cannot change it onto anything than what it is and what she wants it to be - that is her choice. MY choice is to not allow her behavior and her addiction to be MINE! I have a life; and I am entitled to it. And so are you.

This is a great site and I am glad that you have found it. Stick around and you will learn a lot on your own road to recovery - to recover YOU!

marteen is offline  
Old 06-02-2007, 07:22 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Westchester County, NY
Posts: 8
I'm so glad I'm part of this forum. I couldn't wait to come home and log in because it makes me feel better,

It's also made me do some soul-searching. I realize that no matter how hard I try I just don't understand addiction. It's partially my upbringing. I'm a very strong person and whenever I encountered something in my life that was threatening, my mother would say, "Are you stronger than IT or is IT stronger than you?" This has helped me through a lot of tough times but when it comes to my son it doesn't seem to be working. When it comes to him, all bets are off.

His counselor told me that I'm codependent. I wish I knew what the heck that was! I read the sticky but I'm definitely struggling with what codependency is. According to his counselor, I have to stop questioning his wherabouts and acting like a detective. This is very hard for me to do because I'm trying to protect him even though I know I can't. How can I not worry when I don't know where he is and what he's doing? Any advice on breaking my codependency?
Tryingveryhard is offline  
Old 06-02-2007, 08:28 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Get Caught Reading
bookmiser's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410

Let's see, what is codependency to me? lol
There are many different types of codies, let me tell ya.
When I first arrived here in October of 2005, I was literally at my wits end,
on what to do for my son. I was looking for help for him when I discovered sr.,
and realized from reading, that I was the one that needed help. lol
Unbelievable, right? Me, need help? I wasn't the one shooting heroin into my veins, stealing whatever I could get to buy my next fix with, sleeping/sick/sleeping/sick,
the list goes on and on. Why would anyone think that I needed help?
It was easy to figure out, once I let go, and let God have the power over my son.
Step 1: (Just like AA/NA) Admit we are powerless over others and that our lives have become unmanagable.
That's where to start, sweetie. Read the stickys, and literature on codependency, enabling and detaching.
1. "Codependent, No More" by Melodie Beattie
2. "The Enabler" by Angelyn Miller
3. "Boundries" by Dr. Henry Cloud
Just a few to start.
Also, remember the 3 c's:
1. You didn't cause it
2. You can't control it
3. You can't cure it
Kinda puts things into perspective when you can accept those.
Have you looked into going to Alanon/Naranon meetings yet?
If so, your on your way to recovery from codependency.
"Nuff said for now. lol
Praying for you and your family,
bookmiser is offline  
Old 06-02-2007, 08:45 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Hug giver-outer!
marteen's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
Being a "codependent" or "codie" as we call ourselves here, is very difficult to understand. But it can be and if you want to survive your son's addiction, you need to realize what it is and how to overcome it.

You have to admit to yourself that you are powerless to overcome or control HIS addiction and behavior; knowing he is actively "using" is enough; you don't have to find "proof" or play detective to his whereabouts. You also have to realize that he is the captain of his own ship and the consequences of his actions are HIS, not YOURS!

You also need to realize: You cannot control his addiction or addictive behavior; you have to learn to control how much it controls YOU. You have to establish "boundaries" as to where the actions of his behaviors can and mostly, CANNOT cross over into your own life. And you have to realize and establish that YOU have a life that is separate from his and visa versa.

That is about it in a nut shell but knowing all that and doing something about it are two different things. But in time, with practice and with a little help from your "friends", you will be well on your way to your own recovery.

I would also like to suggest that you look into trying to attend a few naranon or alanon meetings in your area. The more you hear esp. up close and personal, the more you will learn.

marteen is offline  
Old 06-03-2007, 04:03 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802

QUOTE; Tryingveryhard

Any advice on breaking my codependency?

For me I guess, had enough when I couldnt function properly. I was addicted to his addiction, if you know what I mean. You will never stop worrying about your children, especially when you know they are hurting themselves. But there comes a time when you stop blaming yourself and let them take the responsibility for it, that it all comes together. Somehow.
We can not control them or how they decide to live their life and if we enable them it will never stop because they always have mum to come back to.
Let him know you will always be there for him, but as the man or boy you knew before.
justjo is offline  
Old 06-03-2007, 05:07 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
outonalimb's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371

I'm so happy that you have found some support and comfort here.

I absolutely hated the term 'codependent' when I first came here. I really thought it was a bunch of bunk. I think I felt threatened by it. I saw myself as a complete and total victim of my exah's addiction. I wasn't the one who ran around using drugs, lying and stealing. NO! I was the responsible one trying to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads. I worked very very hard trying to stay one step ahead of my exah so that we wouldn't lose everything to drugs. I felt that if I admitted I was codependent (whatever that term meant) that I was somehow accepting some responsiblity for the situation I was in and I was just too full of anger and self-pity to go there.

It doesn't matter if we don't accept the term codependent. Its just a label in my opinion. I have learned, however, that although I didn't cause the problem, I had contributed to it in a number of ways:

*bailing him out of one situation after another
*not throwing him out sooner thereby providing him all the comforts of home when he wasn't out using heroin (a daily thing...)
*trying to force him to 'see the light' about his addiction by any means necessary (threats, begging, screaming, ignoring, loving, bribing, or any combination of these things).

It took me a long time...and alot of painful soul searching to see that everything I did and everything I thought and prayed about were directed towards HIS well-being and recovery because, after all, my life (and our son's life and future) wouldn't improve until his addiction went away (at least thats what I thought).

One day I had an epiphany and realized that all of my efforts had been in vain. Nothing I could do or say would change HIM...This is step one...admitting that we are powerless over our loved one's addiction. From that day forward, I started to make decisions that were in my best interest and left my exah to figure things out on his own. The decisions didn't feel 'natural' to me. Sometimes guilt would sneak up on me when I saw my life get slowly better while my exah continued to wallow around in addiction and even today (four years into this journey) I sometimes slip and do things to help him even though I know I shouldn't. This whole recovery things is definitely a process. It always felt like I took two steps forward and then once step back. Its not easy but all of the hard work and soul searching has been worth it. My life is no longer centered around his addiction. What a blessing!!

I know I've rambled here...but I can so relate to how you feel and your confusion over the term 'codependent'...I just wanted to share how I worked my way through that concept and how it translated into a healthier life for me and our son.

Much love...
outonalimb is offline  
Old 06-03-2007, 09:10 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Peace Hope Love
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 72
WELCOME! I too have an AS, and it breaks my heart almost every second of every day. I encourage you to attend meetings. I started a Al-anon meetings before I was aware there was a noarcots support group in town. i still attend both weekly - take out alcohol and put in addiction; the insanity is parallel. I pray without ceasing. How far is down? farther than i could ever imagine! Toxic GF, self defeating behaviors, accusations "you don't love me enough, its not fair, bla bla bla'; it's all my fault, accountability and responsibility is everyones but his / theirs. I have no answers, each journey is different to a degree. I am hear for MY recovery, for MY sanity, so I can learn how to set safe boundaries. If I continue to 'fix' (LOL) what is his responsibilty then he learns nothing. I have learned I can't look at myself in the mirror and say 'well you fixed it why hasn't he changed?' with a straigh face any longer. i can't fix it - he / they have too. i can love and I can pray and I can allow them the dignity to pull themselves up. And I pray for the courage to get through the results ( + / -) of their choices. Detaching with love is by far one of the hardest things I have ever had to learn. I remain somewhat inconsistent in my actions - yet not as bad as I used to be. If I expect their actions to match their words then my actions need to match my words as well. I am learning and i am growing and I pray the A's throughout our lives will do the same. Keep coming back to this group. Their wisdom, love and friendships are HUGE. I know none of them personally (as in face to face); yet would so love to sit down and have coffee or dinner with anyone of them. I pray our collective recovery DOES MAKE A DIFFERENCE in this evil, cunning and baffeling world of addiction. I do believe when we get better, to some degree they will be enlightened as well. There are no guarantees for their recovery - THEY have to want it for themselves as much as we want it for them. As a mom it is very tough for me to comprehend all the boo-boo's I could fix when they were small, this one I can not fix. And he sometimes looks as me as if I could / should. You are loved, hang in there and keep coming back - it works! hugs and HP Blessings / M
BlvninGod is offline  
Old 06-03-2007, 10:02 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In
Posts: 561
Blog Entries: 1
Hello coming in late here my 21yr old daughter is the addict in my life. Just like your son an most of the others children here she was NORMAL until she started using. It's like the Invasion of the Body Snatcher s for the most part she looks like my daughter, but that's about it.
Like others I kept thinking if I loved her enough she'd stop using. I came here looking for ways to help her, an ended up finding ways to help myself. I've learned a lot an am still learning.
lostparent is offline  
Old 06-03-2007, 11:46 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Westchester County, NY
Posts: 8
I had actually tried Al-Anon before, in our old neighborhood. It must have been the meeting I attended, because I was very disappointed and never went back. All we did was read aloud from a book. I've heard from other folks that not all meetings are like that so I'm presently looking for meetings where we live now. I plan on trying the closest one next week. Hopefully, it will work out. If not, I'll keep looking. In the meantime, this forum is helping me a lot. It's unbelievable how much we share. I swear I thought I was almost the only one.
Tryingveryhard is offline  
Old 06-03-2007, 12:03 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
pjbs55's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
Sorry I am coming in late, but welcome to SR. I am a mother of an addict 21yo. He did everything your son did to you. I pressed charges against him, which I know is very hard to do. I also made him leave my home. He tried to tell me I should just forget everything he did to me since he couldn't help it. It was the addiction that made him do it. I have yet to hear I'm sorry for stealing from you, or for forging your name to checks. I still love my son, but I hate who he has become because he chose to use drugs.
It is a good idea to try different meetings, I found one for Nar-Anon I really like and it helps me so much. I hope you find the right one for you.
This site has helped me so much over the past year, and it has become a part of my family.
pjbs55 is offline  
Old 06-04-2007, 12:07 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Idaho Falls Idaho
Posts: 7
Another Mom

I have allso been living with an addicted son for 5 years. It is awful ! This place has helped me to know there are lots of Mom's out there dealing with the same crap. I am also new to this site. Maybe having other people to talk to will help. I am hoping so!
bandolier is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:17 AM.