An overdue update

Old 05-31-2007, 08:08 AM
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An overdue update

I should have already updated how things are going but kept putting it off...... My 18 year old AD is still at the meth house that I dropped her off at and it has been over a month. I still hung on to letting her keep her cell phone but when I got the bill for $362.00, as bad as it hurt me, I called and had hers disconnected, it seemed that no one else had one so everyone was using it but it has not stopped the several calls a week for her to call and need $10 ,$20 or $30 and if I tell her I am sorry I don't have it, I get cursed out. Saturday morning at 3:00 am I got a call from one of the men that is also staying at that house and he told me he had gotten in a fight with someone that wanted my AD to go somewhere else and they had beaten him up and he was bleeding, sitting in a garden and which to be woken up to that I was rather confused but finally told him I was sorry but I could not help him. I had went out of town last week for a few days and while I was gone she called and said she needed tampons, I told her that I was at Orange beach on a mental break and I would be home the next day and would bring her some when I got back so off i go and she was just sooo sweet....of course needed money and I know that I should not have but gave her $10. Then the next day she wanted more and I told her no that I did not have it well that started a rage!!!! She said that if I could have afforded to go to the beach I should be able to give her more but she finally hung up after she said many many bad things!!! I did not hear another word until Tuesday when she was needing more money and again I said sorry but she called my mother who gave her $20. I do drive by the house everyday or so, just hoping to catch a glimpse of her. It still bothers me just thinking if she is hungry but I know she is surviving somehow but it amazes me that why she would rather be living in that nasty place instead of being home. I keep telling her that she got her grants for college and 1 scholarship for college and the same lie..... Im going to college this fall but I know deep down that she will not but I keep hanging on to maybe she is telling the truth but I am to the point that I don't believe a word she says!!! I have been staying with my mother, sister or grandmother since it all happened, I just can't stand to go home, it does not seem right so yesterday I met my husband --not her father for lunch and he informed me that I just had to get over it!! I got up and told him that when I got over it I would give him a call. He does not have any kids and I have tried to explain that until you have a child and go through it that you can't just get over it. I will always have hope as long as she has a breath left in her or me!! She should have walked across the stage Friday night and graduated high school but she was sitting in that meth house and again I am screaming WHY!!!!!!
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Old 05-31-2007, 08:27 AM
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The why is because she is an addict. And as much as you want college and a good life for her, the sad reality is that she is just thinking about her own survival right now. And the first thing on that list is her drug. She will do and say anything to get it. Don't let the guilt overwhelm your sense of what you know is right here. At one time I was trying so hard to convince myself that my daughter's living with her 37 year old crack addict boyfriend was about love when in reality it is about drugs. Take care of yourself. She will find a way to survive, they all do. Hugs and prayers. I know how hard it is to let go. Marle
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Old 05-31-2007, 08:28 AM
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just sending you ((((hugs))) - i'm so sorry for all that you are going through. keeping you in my thoughts.
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Old 05-31-2007, 08:41 AM
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Obsessed,
My heart hurts for you.
Hopefully you are attending Alanon, or NarAnon meetings in your area, they help SO much, and gives us strength, and wonderful support.

When my oldest was using, he also said much of the same garbage, slighting me and his father for going on a trip, and NOT giving him any money. It use to hurt my heart, until I really dug deep, and analyzed the situation. That's what addicts do.
Unfortunately.

Here's to hope that your daughter sees the light,
and craves a journey for recovery.

Big hugs to you, too.
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Old 05-31-2007, 08:48 AM
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((((Obsessed))))
Don't beat yourself up about diconnecting her phone. I have done that also. She now has a prepaid phone. That works much better. Sometimes I buy her phone cards. I don't give her the money........I buy the card. She is young and has a good chance to recover. I am struggling over my AD who is 26. She started using drugs when she was 20 after her dad died. I have been through rehabs, doing all of the wrong things and tried to save her so many times. None of it worked. Right now she claims to be clean and I think she is........but I don't trust her. Even when she is clean she is still dysfunctional. I think she lived dysfunctional for so long that that is all she knows. She is also bi polar and is currently taking bi polar meds.
I am trying to take care of myself now. I have good days and bad days.

I will keep you and yor AD in prayer.............Lo
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Old 05-31-2007, 08:56 AM
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I also wanted to tell you that it is amazing how they survive. They are very resourceful people. Even if you don't help...........they find a way. As for the ex, that is easy for him to say that you just have to get over it. He is not the father and I don't know anyone who can just get over it. My opinion......you can get better and take care of yourself, but get over it, for me I can't.
Just wanted to let you know that somehow she will survive without your help.

Lo
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Old 05-31-2007, 09:59 AM
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Could it be we all have the same daughter? I know we have all done the same things.
My heart breaks for you also. There is no pain like that of a mothers hurt. I have learned, very slowly, I admit, to LET GO. You can't fix her, no matter how hard you try. It is her life, her choice. The bible calls it free will. Can you tell I'm in therapy??? God bless you, and your daughter. I pray someone comes in her path that will make her think and turn around.
susan
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Old 05-31-2007, 10:13 AM
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i hope your daughter will see the light soon.it really hurts when your child is the addict.you have to take care of yourself because worring will get you no where.take a deep breath & say there is nothing i can do for her.she has got to want the help before we can help them.i have been right where you are.my son has caused our whole family problems & it does not get better till we do.i am sorry you are going thru this.you can give your life & it will not help. they will suck the life out of you & cuss you in the face.they do not care.i know, my son has been an addict for the last 15 yrs. he has not changed a thing.only i have. i do not give as i did.let go or get dragged.i am saying a prayer for you & her too.hugs,
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Old 05-31-2007, 11:44 AM
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My heart goes out to you. I do know the feeling well. My as is coming home from rehab tomorrow and I'm kind of dreading it. My husband already talked to him on the phone today and told him this is your last chance, we are no longer going to cater to his every need, (driving him around, buying him phone cards and cigarettes). He has got to fend for himself, grow up, get a decent job and stay clean. If not, we will drive him to the rehab once more, but will not pick him up. He'll have to have somewhere else to go, if it happens again.

Your heart breaks, but we have to keep life sane for the rest of the family.

Hugs to you and prayers.
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Old 05-31-2007, 11:54 AM
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(((obsessed))) My kid was an active meth addict - from ages 12 or 13 until she was 18. She has been clean for 2 years.

The only thing that helped me was Alanon...lots and lots and lots and LOTS of Alanon meetings. Normies, like your husband, really don't understand... all they know is that the person THEY love (you) has gone bonkers.

Maybe your husband will try some meetings with you? It may not be his daughter, but you are his wife, and her drug use affects him ... through you.

I wish you the best. ((hugs))
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Old 05-31-2007, 12:18 PM
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i agree with bigsis, even though , as she says our intellectual learning and emotional learning are not always connected. mine is surely not, i enabled my as just this week. meetings or working a program together or alone might be the only way you two can keep your sanity, and posssibly marriage together.
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Old 05-31-2007, 01:36 PM
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((obsessed))

Please do not allow guilt to cloud your thinking. You are surely not the only person your AD is milking for money, just one of many. And remember that it is NOT your responsibility to support your daughter's drug habit. And even though ten or twenty dollars for "food" might not seem like supporting buying drugs, that is exactly where that money goes. My AH will always find a way to buy drugs. He has gotten money from me, his parents, his grandparents, my grandparents, his boss, etc. etc. He might spend five dollars on taco bell every once and while but hundreds on drugs in a day. He even stole the money from our son's piggy bank. Believe me...they are resourceful and she is eating enough. If she wasn't, she'd be at a shelter or soup kitchen. Addicts may not have qualms about asking a stranger for money either.

It's not about you "getting over it," because like it or not, addiction has touched your life. It IS about you learning how to live with it and live well for yourself. Meetings might help, sites like this will, building friendships with others in your situation etc.

Just a small warning tho...telling an addict when you will be away from your house is not the best idea. It is like an open invite to break in and steal things. I never though my AH would do that...but he did. Even when i was in the house too.

Hugs!
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Old 05-31-2007, 02:00 PM
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obessed,

Like Meggie said it is not about getting over it. You are right, your husband doesn't understand. You do have a right and there is a way for you to keep living YOUR life. I am not in the same situation as you are but my life has been touched by addiction also. You have sooooo much good advice by the parents here, please try to listen to them.

BIG HUGS and PRAYERS for you...and your daughter.
Michelle
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Old 05-31-2007, 04:39 PM
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(((obsessed)))

Boy your name could be all of ours!!! Another mom of an addict here. I hate how drugs have stolen our children from us. Stay strong....the tears do slow down!! It's soooo hard to watch those we love travel down this path. You truly do have to let go, and let God. Someone, somewhere will reach her, and it probably won't be you, who loves her the most!!!

The last time I saw my daughter was sunday, and I dropped her at a homeless shelter here in the city, and OMG the people waiting there to get in!!! But she is taking baby steps to sobriety, and I can't do this for her. I still drive by the shelter trying to catch a glimpse, and never do...lol.

But I can pray...and do everynite!!!

Walking with you on this road!!!

NSW
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Old 05-31-2007, 07:40 PM
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One of my best friends went through years of her daughter acting just like this. She too, finally got fed completely up with the rage. I only have sons, so I never saw the rage, but I guess girls are more prone to it. Much more emotional beings.
I had a lot of rage too, when I was young, but my mom was a mean alcoholic. Talk about a dysfunctional family.
I grew out of it, and so did my friends daughter. There is hope.
Even with all the craziness, it helps for me to picture a hurricaine all around me, but I am standing in the peaceful eye.
At my age, I can't take the craziness any more. It was killing me slowly.
I do hope things get better for you. It sounds like you are pretty strong.
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Old 05-31-2007, 08:46 PM
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Hello I also have an AD she is 21 now but she was using when she was 18. When we found out what she was doing , which was crack at the time. So I can kind of relate to how you feel. Listen to what the others have said on here they give good advice, they've been an are going through it too.
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Old 06-01-2007, 08:12 AM
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((((((Obsessed)))))))




I'm so sorry for all that your going through with your ad.
It's so very hard to watch them spiraling out of control.
Hitting rock bottom does not bring a gentle bump. It's a crashing slam.
Stay clear of it. Focus on you.
I'm praying she finds her way soon.
Linda
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Old 06-01-2007, 06:27 PM
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it does seem like we all have the same daughter....the nuttiness continues. I do know that I have to protect myself, emotionally, financially and spiritually from her chaos, it overwhelms me and I feel my spirit draining. Small doses only. Bless you, I know how you feel. Marian
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