okay4now

My A. stood us up 2 weekends in a row after 65 days clean from crack.

She had a counseling appt. yesterday. I talked to her counselor about her father
not seeing her until she's 18 y/o. She just turned 10.

The counselor said she had two recommendations. She said that the situation with
her dad was unhealthy for my daughter.

One way I can go is for him to have no contact with her until one year of recovery
is completed.

The other is to say that he can only see her if he isn't using that day. And don't
tell her he's coming over - so if he is a no-show he won't hurt her.

I told her that once he starts using, he isn't himself even if he isn't high that day.
He even leaves quickly if he gets a craving. He isn't mean to her, he just seems
like a zombie. This is when he gets worse.

I hate the thought of us not seeing him for a year.

I have to think about this.

He stood us up for the 3-day weekend. He called her Tues. I had my ear to the
phone. He told her he loved her and needs her and wants to spend time with her.
She told him that he looked into her eyes and said see you tomorrow and didn't
show up and that's mean. He said it will get better again. She asked how. He
said he'll go to mtgs. She told him she can't trust him. He said it will take time.

But...I had the same conversation last Mon. after the first stood up weekend.
He said he had a "slip". I said what's next. He said more mtgs., he's not going to
use again.

This sucks.

cece1960

Yes it does suck.
My heart always breaks for the child that gets affected by addiction. It really is a family disease.
It sounds like your daughter is quite a sensible young lady.

I am no expert on these matters...is it possible you could let your daughter's wishes guide you for now?
Others will be along with more experience

Prayers for strength, peace and clarity being sent

(((hugs))))
Cece

okay4now

Her counselor told me that she is wise beyond her years. (She's gifted). But..
she is still a child.

When at counseling, I looked at my daughter and said what do you think about not
seeing your dad for a year. She said, "That's a long time."

The counselor told her that it's my job to protect her.

A year is a long time for me too.

The worst part is that she just met her Dad last year. Ironic, though, we were
better off before she met him.

But..when he's clean and walks in the front door, it is like sunshine walking in.

Very emotional rollar coaster.

cece1960

This may not be something that can be answered today.
We have a saying here that sometimes doing nothing is doing something...maybe just take some time to think on it and the answers may come.
Boy, you got quite the gal in that little one.

((((hugs))))
Cece

okay4now

Thanks. I think I'll keep her. (Humor) This little girl got half a college credit when
she was 9. But...this makes her sensitive and more aware. And she has had
a sheltered life.

When her Dad apologized for the 1st stand-up, she said you didn't call. He said
he's there now. She said it's not the same. So he tells her that he didn't call to
say he was sorry because he felt bad. She told him that he's the grown-up. (Little
does she know that when he's using, she's more mature than him - or maybe she
suspects - she tells him that mom wouldn't do that.)

Yes. I feel like doing nothing now. I didn't know that was something. I feel like
I don't have enough information (from my A.'s behavior - is he going to go to more
mtgs.) to make a decision. I, also, do not plan on calling him.

okay4now

Also, my daughter and her counselor told me that my daughter wanted something
from me. She wanted me to not talk about her dad unless she started the
talking. And if he calls me, and asks about her and how she's doing - I am to tell
him that there's a new rule - he ask to ask her about herself. Not ask me.