Need Help Getting Out Of "self Pity Mode" And Projecting

Old 05-30-2007, 07:21 AM
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Need Help Getting Out Of "self Pity Mode" And Projecting


I really need help getting myself out of self-pity mode...and also i project so much into the future. I am SOOO scared and worry SOO much about what is going to happen.

How can i stop this pattern?? I went to a meeting last night, and feel even worse than before because of the stories and it just seemed like a group of people who are not living in serenity...and least most of them...just being depressed.

I feel like I am never going to get out of this slump i am in..i am sooo worried about the money situation, and i just hate being married to someone i cant trust and who is doing something that totally disgusts me. I feel bad for myself not having any family to help me and having a dad that left me and didnt give my mom any $$$ for support....i cant turn to him for help an dhe may be the only one in m y family who may havae little bit of $$$ to help me financially.....i already even tried that route and he wouldnt give me a dime. He was too worried that he might need it should something happen to him...same old person he always was..very selfish....if i just had some family to lean be here to support me...but i dont i have to just deal with that i guess and try to lean on my naranon friends....and other close friends.

I just feel very alone and almost paralized because i dont know what directin to go first....i am trying to wokr on a plan B..everything just seems so difficult...i dont know how to get myself strong to do this. And i cant help feeling sorry for i am going all over to meetings, therapists, etc...and my ah is sitting on the couch with his stupid laptop like nothing is wrong.

How can i be can i get out of this depression and slump i am in???

thanks for listening
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Old 05-30-2007, 07:27 AM
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I have been where you are now.
It is important to get OUT when you are depressed. It doesn't ahve to be expensive out.. just walking where there are people. Getting to a meeting (alanon or naranon helps too.

Focusing on the present is very important. Worrying the future is not going to fix it.. it will just ruin today! What can you do today.. this very minute.. for yourself to get the focus off the worry? Do you have a closet to clean? a drawer to clean? something to sew or repair? a book to read?

Did you get the Book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? Get a journal and write down all the things she suggests! Try writing all your feeling sdown on this whole subject. It helped me a lot do do this.

I think you are having normal feelings considering your situation. Do what you can to move forward. If the depression continues, try a professional, tho I found meetings and melody Beatties books were much more helpful to me than counselors.
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Old 05-30-2007, 08:15 AM
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It does get better, Drained Wife... I promise.

As I walked through the awful stuff, I was like you - I spent ALL my time either in the future, or reliving the past. Today was wasted.

Know that your awareness has been raised. You are ALREADY different. You already suspect that there may be forces at work that are bigger than you. I suspected, but I was sooo cynical! I had spent my ENTIRE life being in control... letting go of that and just watching the "universe" take care of it was almost more than I could do. But the meetings I went to had women and men who WERE doing that... and they provided me a good example.

For me, it took LITTLE things to bring me around... noticing that an outcome I projected did NOT come about, and that it turned out ok anyway. In my case, it was a certainty that my daughter was going to be kicked out of rehab... and she came within a gnat's whisker of it, but it didn't happen. Then finding out she was willing to go on to a recovery house, but we had no more money. Then finding out that by not allowing her home following rehab we made her "homeless". Then finding out that there is funding for "homeless youth" for recovery house.

... that process - and keeping my hands out of it - helped to get my awareness even "higher" and to be able to Let Go a little more. Some folks would call it a "coincidence", but my sponsor said she calls them "Godincidences" and they happen when we watch for them.

That "failure to meet" my expectation was a turning point. Suddenly, I could see that the universe, or "something" might be in charge. It was a beginning of my believing that I was not alone.

Keep going to meetings - and try different ones at different locations. Sometimes, we get a weird personality mix at a particular meeting, and some meetings don't have as much ... growth as others. But they can help, and you already have a "head start" by coming in you may be ready for a more advanced group than the one you found (advanced isn't the right word, but I can't find the right

There are no such things as coincidence. I believe that. You are here on this bulletin board for a reason. You are going through the things you need to in order to get to a particular destination. Not knowing where the train is going doesn't mean we can't enjoy the ride.

I hope today can be better for you ... just a little bit at a time. And my prayers are for hope and peace.

PS - If you can, snag some AA speaker tapes (google the term). I listen to these speaker meeting stories in my car - they give me hope... absolute hope... every time.
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Old 05-30-2007, 08:24 AM
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My first thought is to sell the darn laptop and tuck the money away...but thats not likely to solve much.
Independance is scary, no doubt, but after time it can be very liberating.
Try not to project, heck, you have enough to think about in one day.
And as BigSis said, most of it never happens. We just worry ourselves to death that it "could".
Life isn't predictable, nor is it usually what we "expected". But it can be good, if we just change the definition a bit.
Prayers that your days get brighter as you go.
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Old 05-30-2007, 10:00 AM
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Go to different meetings until you find the one you like best. I know some nights at our meetings they are down, but most of the time we talk about how we changed for the better. You might have just hit a bad night.
Please talk to your doctor about your depression, and do something for you. Take a walk if you have to, think of someplace you like and imagine being there. It helps if you have anixety attacks.
Read or watch a movie you really like, anything just for you.
It takes time to get over the hurt, or at least ease the pain of it. Turn to HP and ask for help, he/she will help you and make you stronger.
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Old 05-30-2007, 11:01 AM
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I know how you feel. My family didn't even really know what was going on, his family did. But sometimes I felt like everyone was sick of hearing me or my crying. It is strange, oneday I just felt better. I realized I had alot going for me, granted at the time my AH was a loser! But I had a great son, a job, friends. I also use to think about the future, where would we live and so on. To this day I still think about money.

Do you have any savings together, if so take out half or all of it. I actually took all the money from our savings, we sold a rental property we had. I am so happy I did that, there was no way for him to touch that money. Even at the bank I had a security put on the account, that 2 forms of id had to be shown if money was taken out. I did trust my AH at all - I kept thinking he would send someone in and try and take the money. At the time he was probably mad, but he is now grateful I did it, because he knows he would have gone thru that money.

I agree with the going out when you feel down, even if it is just to go walking. You really do just have to take one day at a time.
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Old 05-30-2007, 06:31 PM
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I'm no angel!
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The only person I know on this board who has a crystal ball and can perdict the future is Madam Dolly, I don't think you have met her, she is a wacko, she uses her cystal ball as a bowling ball, carries the ball in a lime green bag trimmed in hot pink feathers.

You want to get out of your slump? You want to know what the future holds, ask Madam Dolly, she knows all....

If you want her to do a reading for you, pm me with your real name and entire birth date, I will have her do a reading just for you.

What have you got to lose, nothing else seems to be working.

Dolly aka Madam Dolly
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Old 05-30-2007, 07:14 PM
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Hi Drained,
I am sorry you're feeling so bad.
I went through all that too. I felt disgusted with everything especially myself.
I was sick and tired of the sneaky, lying, spying, porn addicted, financially ruined drug addict husband. It does get to you, that's no lie.
I felt I had no future.
I did find solace in SR, and I did find that I could learn not to project into the future by practice. It really took a while for me to get the hang of letting go. Once I fully let go and put it into God's hands I was relieved of the duty of having to bear all this alone.
Another thing is the taking care of yourself thing.
I think it was Mary Kay who said, Happiness is: Something to do, someone to love and something to look forward to." Well, I had none of the above, or so I thought.
I did have other family to love, I had a job I enjoyed, and I had something to look forward to which was a day trip to the mountains with my kids.

These horrible feelings come and go, then one day they just go! You won't always be burdened like this. Alanon and SR are our daily bread for the soul and that's why you're here.

I feel like I am rambling in disconnected thoughts because I am sleepy, but I want you to know I have been there and know that feeling well.
Take care, get rest, get a pedicure!!!!!
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Old 05-30-2007, 08:54 PM
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Hi Drained...I'm sorry you are in that slump but I too promise it gets better. I agree with everything before me (oh and if you get a chance for a Madam Dolly reading, go for's great! You're a pretty special person, Madam Dolly doesn't offer that to just anyone )

The only other thing I would add is that working on gratitude really helped me get beyond the negative and all the self pity. I couldn't feel like a victim and be grateful at the same time. I found no matter how bad I felt I had it, when I stopped to make a gratitude list, i realized so much was good in my life too. Some days I felt so down that the list started as a meager one, but when I thought on it, one thing lead to another. I really do believe gratitude empowers a solution. Hugs.
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