drainedwife

I have decided that I will give my ah the "space" he needs to quit on his own. But i will give it a time frame..he doesnt have to know about it, but in my head, i will have a time frame that if i feel he is still using by a certain date, then i will confront him and if he doesnt do a Plan B (get help) then I will have to be done.
I will also tell him that i do not like porn, it makes me uncomfortable, and i dont want that in our house...if he doesnt like it (he tells me he does it because we dont have enough sex) than there's the door. I know he will tell me I am forcing demands on him, but i guess if thats how he sees it thats his problem.
also, ive decided that right now i need to concentrate on my mental health and that means that starting the end of june, when my work schedule changes, i have to start going to meetings...until then i need to come here, and if i can go to meetings at night. I also start seeing a new therapist on thursday.
I will also look for a "part-time" job with advancement possibliites and room for growth. A full-time job for me right now i just cant handle.
Thanks for your help eveyone and your support...i wish i could hug you all ...and i will!! ((((((HUGS))))))

finallyout

sounds like a good plan - keep focusing on yourself and your recovery - baby steps. keeping you in my thoughts.

parentrecovers

sounds like you are making very wise choices. it's nice to know you have choices, isn't it? blessings, k

kj0975

Sounds like u have talked it out and worked it out sounds like a good solid plan. I agree its making a very wise choice. Like parent said remember u do have choices and do what will make YOU happy.

dollydo

Great, you are formulating a plan, it is a step in the right direction.

Rome wasn't built in a day, it was built with one lonely stone, a cornerstone. From there the floors were assembled, then the walls, until Rome became a reality. Everything starts with the cornerstone, it creates the foundation from which one can build on.

Without the cornerstone, there can be no building, no success.

So now, you have laided the cornerstone,continue to build the foundation, one small stone at a time.

We are here for you.

Elana

You sound really good. you have made a plan and it sounds like you know that it will work.

When I finally left my husband after years of alcoholism I did it by plan. The day I came home from a full day of work to find him so drunk he had put feces all over the house AND was too drunk to help me unload 2,500 bales of hay.. that was it. This was after an extended period of sobriety. I knew in a year I would be gone and I planned how to do it.

I took my wedding band off that day and never had a single reason to put it back on. I hoped for a reason but there just never was one.

It is good to hear you planning and moving forward. Recovery is a step program for a reason. No one can do it all at once.

I knew a millionair once.. I asked him how he made his money.. He told me, " I watch the pennies and the dollars take care of themselves!" Recovery works the same way. You take small steps and move forward and then one day you look back and see how very far you have come!

What is the saying? A journey of 1,000 miles starts with the first step?

drainedwife

i know i made a plan, but in a way it is taking the easy way out. I feel like i am just going to go around in a great big circle again and im just repearting the same pattern.

We argue, he leaves, he comes home, we make up, things are ok for a short while and then something comes up and it starts all over again.
Well, at least i am starting on a plan B. Slowly starting anyway. But I guess its better than just staying in denial about how bad things are and just not doing anything about them...I was in denial for a long time..I actually was very naive about drug abuse...i knew he was using, at the time it was oxycontin...but i didnt understand how bad it was....and i kind of pushes it out of the front of my mind sao i woldnt have to deal with it....let me tell you..it was alot easier when i was naive....at least i was happier...now im depressed all the time with a knot in my stomach....reality hurts.

Elana

Progress, not perfection. You can do this by doing it one day at a time or even one moment at a time.

Leave his choices with him and keep your choices for you.

I think you are doing well in a lot of this. You recognize that denial and doing nothing is not working. That, my friend, is forward movement and it is progress.

outonalimb

drained...

I know how hard it is. I was really naive too and facing reality was tough...very, very tough. You are moving in the right direction...you're looking at things as they ARE and not as you wish them to be and that, my dear, is major!!!!!

I pawned my wedding right about 4 times in the last year of my marriage so I could afford gas and groceries. The last time I pawned it, I decided to leave it at the pawn shop. It meant nothing to me anymore.

I had a plan similar to yours before I left. I didn't set a magic date or anything but I put together a plan so that I would be ready to go if the time ever came. One day, I came home after a hard days work to find my exah waiting for me in the kitchen. He started badgering me for money for booze. He followed me from room to room. In the past, I would have just given it to him to shut him up and get some peace. This time was different. I had had enough. I called in the troops and moved out of our marital home with my son in tow the following morning. It wasn't any major catastrophy or episode that pushed me off center...it was like all of a sudden a light went on and I saw how crappy my home life had become due to his addiction. Things in my life got better very quickly once I finally made the move.

You'll know when the time is right to do something. You'll just know. The big thing is to have a plan in place so that when the day does arrive, you're prepared to do it.

Hang in there. I know how hard it is but you're doing great! You've shown alot of growth since coming to SR. I'm proud of you! Hold your head up and be proud of yourself.

BigSis

(((((Drained Wife))))) Sending prayers for strength and clarity.