Here's How I Manage and It Works Well

Old 05-28-2007, 10:13 PM
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get it, give it, grow in it
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Here's How I Manage and It Works Well

My son is a 23 YO addict who does not live with me. I have eliminated all expectations. When he promises to do something I accept that he most likely won't follow through. I understand that his family ties are almost non-existant. His girlfriend is selfish and a user. I accept that while he is an addict he will pick equally unhealthy people to be in his life. I manage my disappointment and keep our connection. When he does call I try to stay in the moment because that is all I have with him because talking about recovry only alienates him further. I work my own recovery program an attend Alanon regularly. The silver lining is that it took my son's addiction to make me look at my own character defects. Now I am a much healthier and happier person My sorrow about my son has to be managed becasue there is nothing I can do about it. I tried He knows he can come to me when he is ready to ask for help. I continue to have unconditonal love. Until that day I say a prayer ea. night "God protect my child" Ea. day I spend a few moments in gratitude for all of my many blessings. I have to have a life of purpose, service and pleasure. Dwelling on the only aspect that is painful in my life only magnifies it because what we focus on will grow. I have dear friends from alanon,I call my sep-sisters, that I lean on for support. We share the sorrow but we also go out or visit ea. other and have an awful lot of fun. My AS has his journey and I have mine.
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Old 05-28-2007, 10:32 PM
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On a tear
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This is good, SS. Thank you.

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Old 05-29-2007, 06:10 AM
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I know I have to get the same attitude as you. I still wake up every day with a knot in my stomach worrying about my as. I know he will be coming home in the next week or so (he's been out of the house for about 3-4 months and at rehab for 21 days.) We are hopeful because he is, but I still have that horrible feeling in my gut that this is not the end. I know I have to take care of me, but it just eats me alive. How do you get rid of that pain?
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Old 05-29-2007, 02:53 PM
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I am doing the same thing, it is the only thing that works for me also.
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Old 05-29-2007, 03:00 PM
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I don't see my daughter. I am not at the point that I can accept the destruction that I see. Maybe someday, but I doubt it. Also the man she lives with is total scum, in my book, and I don't think that there is a way that I can justify his buying my daughter all her drugs while his own three daughters go without. My daughter is the 4th girl he has done this too. He is also physically and verbally abusive to her. Something that, even though she is an addict, she does not deserve. He controls the drugs and thus controls her. So I stay away until she is willing to do something to help herself. It breaks my heart to hear her stories and to see what she is like physically and mentally. I pray for her and that is all I can do right now. Hugs, Marle
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Old 05-29-2007, 03:38 PM
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SpiritualSeeker, thanks for the good post.
I was told a long time ago that expectations are premeditated resentments..
The more we expect, the more dissapointed we become.
I have even learned that if I decide to loan any one, I probably won't get it b ack. I have learned that lesson a few too many times.
It does get better as we grow and learn.
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Old 05-29-2007, 06:37 PM
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Big Decision

My AS will be released from jail on June 23rd. We are wrestling with the decision to not let him come back home. He has been on probation since 16 and in and out of jail repeatedly for the last year. He has failed out patient treatment 4 times and in-patient treatment 1 time. He was out of a 30 day stretch in jail for exactly 12 days, back home, and had 2 dirty UA's in that time. He is all of 20 years old. We agreed, him too, that when he came home the condition of his coming home was that he remain clean. I do not feel like we can let him come back this time, I have a 13 yr old son who I believe does not need to have to live with AS and his bull. Any Advice
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Old 05-30-2007, 01:07 AM
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get it, give it, grow in it
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Thanful for other parents

It is wonderful to have a community here to share the sorrows and strengths of us parents with ASs + ADs
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Old 05-30-2007, 05:35 AM
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Hi. I don't have any advice but I have been in your shoes. I didn't let my daughter back in my home. She went to live in the salvation army shelter. I could not deal with the chaos as it was destroying my entire family. She did clean up for 2 1/2 years but relapsed recently. I have her baby and am very grateful, he is the love of my life. I do know that you have a young teen-ager that deserves the best chance of a normal life as possible, without the chaos of his brother. Maybe offer paying for a shelter for a month, I believe it was $7 a day, they have to be out by 7am and back in by 7pm. It was clean and food was provided. I hope you have some peace. Marian
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Old 05-30-2007, 06:20 AM
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I'm so glad you've found Al Anon and this board. I, too, find comfort through my Al Anon group. We CAN have a life outside our loved ones addiction. It's work, it takes time, but the effort is so worth it. My AD's addiction also brought me to a place where I had to take a good look at myself. I saw things I didn't like and begin working on changing them. Today, I'm so very grateful that my HP brought me to the 12 step program. I would never want to go back to where I was before Al Anon and this board.

I'm proud of you, SS. You keep doing what you're doing. I'll remember you and your son in my prayers.

Hangin' In
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Old 05-31-2007, 08:30 AM
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get it, give it, grow in it
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It works when we work it on a daily basis.
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Old 05-31-2007, 09:00 AM
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I am dealing with my sons addictions, and recovery the same as you.
"It really does."

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Old 05-31-2007, 09:53 AM
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Positive words of encouragement!

I agree when you say that if we magnify the only negative aspect of our lives it continues to grow b/c we allow it to. I am working on this myself, my xabf is on my mind every day, almost 5 months later after our break up and nearly 7 weeks after I saw him back on crack. I worry about him constantly and feel guilty that I have not stuck around to help him more but am slowly learning to accept that I cannot change what's important to him, and I cannot change what he has done to himself, it hurts but it helps me to get on with MY life and quit looking back at the could'ves, should'ves, and would'ves.

Lately I've been trying to face my shortcomings in the relationship (b/c it takes 2) but to not dwell on it too much b/c hopefully if I face them they will help me to not make the same mistakes as long as I recognize it. I feel lucky that I have not become victim to crack but feel so sorry for my ex b/c I still love him very very much.

Thanks for your message, they DO have their own journeys and we have ours
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Old 05-31-2007, 11:21 AM
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thank you for your post.this program works if you work it & it does take work.i too find i am much happier if i detatch from my a.s. he does have his journey & i have mine. prayers for your son & mine.
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Old 05-31-2007, 11:59 AM
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get it, give it, grow in it
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Working It out together

The support from other parents is a Godsend because we know what it is to work through the unthinkable and come out on the other side.
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