oneeyeopen

well, I got out of bed and still no regrets...

well, one, sex, he was really great in bed, and I hate to think I might not meet a man like that again...

but great sex is not enough of a reason to keep a relationship going, sure it might tide things over while a couple is working on issues, but as the only factor..

yeah, there were some good times and I sit around remembering them with fondness but it has yet to produce that ache for trying to get that back, like i have been chasing for 8 months and only getting occasional glimpses of.

I just keep thinking how much his personality changed after he started doing the coke..I mean, I get why they are crabby for a while afterwards but this meanness comes out and this weird sometimes cruel manipulations come out of the depths of someone who was kind and sweet and empathetic and sensitive.

I did have moments last night as I tossed and turned where I had brief fantasies of him getting clean and turning up at my doorstep. But overall I was wandering around my new place thinking about all the hassles I now do not have to deal with, like if he was going to move in there was going to be an issue of how our cats would get along, and how he wanted so much of my furniture somehow to disappear and how long would it be before I relaxed about money...

and trust,

you know, I kept thinking about how when a couple finally moves in together it is supposed to be happy and they gushingly tell their friends about the advancement of the relationship, and here I was feeling dragged down by the idea and didn't want to tell my friends for fear they would tell me I was crazy. i mean, that is a sure sign that something is wrong.

Ach, luckily I came to my senses at the last moment. I think I was so caught up in his fantasy land of denial and his in between drug use sincerity that it was all over and that moving in with me would put an end to it. I wanted so badly to believe it that I was willing to risk so much.

thank god my shrink got me to talk about it and said, in a real unshrinky way (they usually do not give such pointed opinions) "You know he is probably not going to be clean and sober and can you really put your child in a situation to be living with that?"

Gosh, I didn't even want to mention the plans to you guys for fear you would all tell me the same thing.

You guys are brilliant, I love all of you for your reading and responses and your caring.

well, at least it is summer, I can put on a pretty dress and go out and enjoy the warm weather and flowers and greenery when I feel down.

hope213

good luck with your brand new start.i know it will be filled with good things. you have so much to look forward to.it will take a little time for you to adjust or maybe it want. don't look back, just go for it.hugs & prayers, hope

mendingheart

Good luck with your fresh new start and opening a new door to a new path. It is scary and exciting all at the same time. That sex thing can make powerful feelings...even when the rest is a wreck. I too wonder if I could ever find that great part of what I had let go.....we are all different, and nothing is the same, but look at it perhaps you will experience a new outlook from anothers experience. It is a trade off, one thing for another. Once I got past letting go of that, the rest fell into place.
That was the time I felt truely loved and adored. It is a wonderful feeling. Then life happens! lol

cinderellawkids

Hang in there it gets easier.
I miss that part too. Ia ctually told him we had to meet in public places, cause I didnt trust myself. You just have to try to not think about it

greeteachday

You sound strong and thinking of the relationship for what it was nto what you would like it to be is good...it should help you to keep moving forward. I know it is sometimes painful but I have no doubt better things are on their way. Hugs...Hope today was filled with some special surprises.