mendingheart

I cannot put my finger on what exactly has triggered the need to just talk. We have been apart for three months, and this past week has made me think of him more than usual. I think it is the fact that we were together or spoke almost every day for years, and now, he has disappeared without a word. I have not gotten closure on any of this situation. The last time we were together, everything seemed fine. Then one day, a call, an email, and a call to follow, with gotta go..we will catch up soon.
That was months ago.
I feel in my heart he has slipped and cannot speak with me, he knows I will know if he is in a bad place again....relapse. I would almost just rather know it, and then I could just accept it for good and be on my way. I just do not know the answer to anything,except he has gone, with no response. How do you love someone dearly, and the next day just never contact again? I know the real answer, and the true person would not think this way. Anyway, even though I know I am better off, I still care , I had so much invested. I sometimes wish I could be one of those heartless people, so I could close my mind off. It is what it is, I know. but how do they work that way? Does anyone else struggle to separate the addict from the real person?
It would hurt less if he just said he found someone else. The someone just happens to be drugs. I just was hoping for a healthier answer since he was clean for so long.
I guess I really do not want to know the real answer.....I just figured it out for myself. Addiction is addiction. I cannot have a relationship with that. there is no point in trying. I realize it is for the best, but my heart still aches for those little things. The big ones, I really can give back. My life is lighter, and much happier most of the time. When these feelings come, ..I just need to let themout somehow.
Thanks for listening;

okay4now

Yes. It does hurt and is hard to understand. I have gone thru a similar
disappearance. I have often heard that they always come back. I don't know
if it's true. Take care of yourself.

Spiritual Seeker

You just have to mourn the loss of the relationship before you can move on. Move on you will and find someone who is capable of honest love without drugs running interference. Remember to change what you can, i.e. yourself and accept the rest.

Elana

Sounds exactly how my ex left last October and how I felt. No closure. No reason. I just could not figure it out. I had no idea he was a drug addict until he was in the process of moving out either and I had no idea what was going on.

Of course, I did the codie thing and blamed me, hated myself and all the rest. He told me things like he could not live with my cats, did not fit in where we lived (he never tried to fit in) etc. All seemed thin. Swore it was not someone else. I felt he was lying.. I needed the truth so I could have closure.


Well, in my case, it turned out he was an addict and just did not love me at all. Love was a word used to get what he wanted. I was broken hearted for awhile.

Again. in my case, he was in active addiction, unbeknownst to me (TY SR for helping me learn all I have). Active addict love no one.

Well, underlying his leaving was his finding of someone else. He had been cheating for MONTHS. Honestly, for me, knowing the truth and how much he lied put an end to my broken heartedness. However, the violated way I felt.. still feel.. is not a good thing. I am glad I know (HIV, Hep. C etc.) and I now have closure because I have the truth. However, finding out you have been cheated on with another woman.. that he brought her to MY HOUSE when I was at WORK and while still sleeping with leaves me feeling violated in the most base way.

I certainly have closure. I certainly have detached from him. Gaining both those things has not been achieved without personal damage to me.

I am fine today, but I have work to do yet on the damage control.

stilltryingkal

I can certainly relate to your feelings of loss as I have gone thru similar feelings. Question for you - how do you feel about the loss of your "other" relationship?

The one you have with yourself? It took me a long time to figure that one out. But during the years that I spent with my AH (who is now sober and we have re-united) I lost myself. I was so enmeshed in him, looking after him, covering up for him, lying for him, etc etc that I lost myself.

Perhaps the greatest gift in my journey has been finding myself.

mendingheart

Thank you all for your experiences. I have done much work on myself over the years, and yes, I feel comfortable with me. I look at him now, and think what was the attraction......he is so unique with all his quirks. Kind of scary sometimes! I know what you mean when you become enmeshed with their things. The codie comes full strenth in that one. We went through two detox periods of hell, and him staying clean was the number one issue. I worked with naranon, and my counselor,and he did not. He would have a couseling session oncd in a while. I really think this would have changed his outlook on many things, but he was not ready to add it into the program. I never understood it. He was very lazy, not much motivation. I guess I thought it was the drugs.
It is just understanding that here today TOTALLY gone tomorrow without a trace thing. I cannot just disconnect an immediate fnality, unless when I have had enough, I have had enough and I am done.
I was this way with the relationship, realizing that I was not happy either. I guess it is the way it ended. I felt I deserved more than an email or phone call. I realize from a normal healthy, person, it would have been. He just did not have it to give.
Elana, my heart goes out to you with your situation. ...sounds like you are in a good place now, I applaud you for your work. I know Iam in a better place, and do not really know how I ended up in the middle of that one anyway.
I think grieving is the whole issue here for me. I do very well, but once in a while my chatterbox tells me he has gone off the deep end, and I worry a bit. Then, I hand it over and remind myself it is not mine . It is so sad to see someone spiral down and fall out of touch with reality. We worked so hard to get him out of that dark place, and he had hope for a long time. Then in a blink, they destroy all that work for one compulsive decision. poof...gone again. I know that is why it is a disease...it just takes the life of so many.
Then there is the depression side of coming off of everything,,,, I have a giant weight removed from my life and I know that . I deserve so much more, and I intend to have it .
I went from chaos from him, to my own trying to manage a new start, but things are good. I have learned so much from this and about myself, ...I never quite knew my strenths, it was empowering.
Thanks to all, and keep the faith in ourselves. We will be just fine!
Mendingheart

marle

Mendingheart, My situation is slightly different because it is my addict daughter that I have not seen in almost three months. The thing we have in common though is our wanting better for ourselves. Not wanting to live with their addiction. Hugs, Marle

mendingheart

Quack quack, I am so sick and tired of his excuses. I think they truly believe that their situation is the only thing going on on this earth. Everyone else is just fine all the time?
Sorry for your experience with your daughter. I can only imagine how hurtful it must be. They dynamics are different to be the partner...many needs do not get met.
It is crazy to think I was in the midst of this whole story.