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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 1
new to site
I am about to give birth any day now to a baby boy. I am in tears over the fact that I am totally alone and I am now realizing that I have been alone for a real long time now.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because he once again spent half his paycheck on getting high. The excuses and promises are so old. He uses eveyday and he lies and thinks I can't tell when he is on something. I am tired of me fighting with him over him always being on something.
I am not working right now and I need him more then ever.
I have taken care of him for so long and in my foolish mind I thought he would be there for me, for us.
I have delt with his drug addiction for a long time now. He has been in and out of jail, with me or his mom bailing him out.
I love him so much and I feel like running back to him, I want to call him, so I thought I try to find some help to keep me from falling back into the hell I have been living in.
I have given everything and I have never tried so hard in my life. I am so upset that right now he is out probably party his butt off and I am at my parents in tears over the fact that he could careless about his son and me.
I am so scared of being alone. I am already a mother of a three year old and with my baby on the way, I just feel like I am not going to make it. All I ever wanted is to be a loving wife and a good mother. I want to be home with my children and not leave them with some stranger.
I thought John loved me and we both know we want to marry each other. I just don't understand his addiction. I see I am not the one he is in love with.
Thanks for listening to me,
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because he once again spent half his paycheck on getting high. The excuses and promises are so old. He uses eveyday and he lies and thinks I can't tell when he is on something. I am tired of me fighting with him over him always being on something.
I am not working right now and I need him more then ever.
I have taken care of him for so long and in my foolish mind I thought he would be there for me, for us.
I have delt with his drug addiction for a long time now. He has been in and out of jail, with me or his mom bailing him out.
I love him so much and I feel like running back to him, I want to call him, so I thought I try to find some help to keep me from falling back into the hell I have been living in.
I have given everything and I have never tried so hard in my life. I am so upset that right now he is out probably party his butt off and I am at my parents in tears over the fact that he could careless about his son and me.
I am so scared of being alone. I am already a mother of a three year old and with my baby on the way, I just feel like I am not going to make it. All I ever wanted is to be a loving wife and a good mother. I want to be home with my children and not leave them with some stranger.
I thought John loved me and we both know we want to marry each other. I just don't understand his addiction. I see I am not the one he is in love with.
Thanks for listening to me,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
(((JJBean)))
I am so sorry about your situation. But you do sound like you have had enough of this crazy life with an addict. We all love our addicts; we hate the addiction and what it does to our families.
You and your children deserve better. You can and will make it. I know you feel alone right now but you are not. There are plenty of really sweet people here who have been where you are and have found peace. The addict in my life is my daughter. Good luck to you and take care of yourself and your children.
You deserve the best that life has to offer. It will get better!
HUGS
Terri
I am so sorry about your situation. But you do sound like you have had enough of this crazy life with an addict. We all love our addicts; we hate the addiction and what it does to our families.
You and your children deserve better. You can and will make it. I know you feel alone right now but you are not. There are plenty of really sweet people here who have been where you are and have found peace. The addict in my life is my daughter. Good luck to you and take care of yourself and your children.
You deserve the best that life has to offer. It will get better!
HUGS
Terri
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
I too am very sorry you have to go through this. One thing I've learned on this website is "I" am entitled to be happy too not just my addict which of course he thought it was all about him. "I" will make my life better with or without him.
"I" can make things better for me with or without him. "I" will make the decisions not him for my better life.
If you read enough here,"although with a new baby coming your not going to have too much free time on your hands" anyway if you really think about what everyone on here has to share and offer it will make sense and once it does then you can work on what you need to do to make your life better for yourself and your new baby. Theres no easy way, its never easy whether you choose to not see your boyfriend or try to get him help (thats almost impossible and extremely frustrating and draining if he doesn't want it). but the bottom line is how far and what are you willing to sacrafice (meaning your time and patience) to help him. wow I'm getting long winded here, you do know that all I've said is just my opinion but this website and these people here have been a god's send in helping me come to terms with my addict so I guess I'm trying to pay it forward.
good luck with your addict and the new bundle of joy
"I" can make things better for me with or without him. "I" will make the decisions not him for my better life.
If you read enough here,"although with a new baby coming your not going to have too much free time on your hands" anyway if you really think about what everyone on here has to share and offer it will make sense and once it does then you can work on what you need to do to make your life better for yourself and your new baby. Theres no easy way, its never easy whether you choose to not see your boyfriend or try to get him help (thats almost impossible and extremely frustrating and draining if he doesn't want it). but the bottom line is how far and what are you willing to sacrafice (meaning your time and patience) to help him. wow I'm getting long winded here, you do know that all I've said is just my opinion but this website and these people here have been a god's send in helping me come to terms with my addict so I guess I'm trying to pay it forward.
good luck with your addict and the new bundle of joy
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Please read New Here, Need Help Saying Goodbye.....................I wrote the post by Rozied, it was the last post. In it I described what happened to me when I was " in love " with an addict. You are young & have 2 children to take care of, how can you take care of a grown man who no matter what you do is bent on destroying himself? No matter how many times you help him if he is an addict it does no good.
My 40yr old son is presently sitting in jail for about the 10th time. He is an addict & because of my parents enabling him his addiction is going on for 20yrs.
You & your children deserve more out of life than this. Keep coming to SR & get yourself to some Nar-Anon mtgs. There is life after this man, I know for a fact.
Love & Prayers,
Diane
My 40yr old son is presently sitting in jail for about the 10th time. He is an addict & because of my parents enabling him his addiction is going on for 20yrs.
You & your children deserve more out of life than this. Keep coming to SR & get yourself to some Nar-Anon mtgs. There is life after this man, I know for a fact.
Love & Prayers,
Diane
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Welcome, you can't live the life you had planned, you can only live the life you have.
your guy is having a love affair with the drug and that is not good for you or your kids. I am so sorry you are going through this very special time, childbirth, and going it alone. You and your kids deserve a life without chaos and drugs. Think of all your choices and make the right decisions. Do you have family to depend on ?
your guy is having a love affair with the drug and that is not good for you or your kids. I am so sorry you are going through this very special time, childbirth, and going it alone. You and your kids deserve a life without chaos and drugs. Think of all your choices and make the right decisions. Do you have family to depend on ?
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
I can relate to what you're going through. You are finding yourself left alone alot earlier in the game than I did. No matter how much we love them, that isn't going to make them who we want them to be. I tried for 17 years and deluded myself into thinking things were okay. The crazy thing I found was that everytime my AH went off on a drug/drinking rage, I was waiting for the non using or "good" him to comfort me. Does that make sense? In the end I had to realize the "good" him was mostly a figment of my imagination and part of his denial.
I am finding myself starting over with two teens back at my parents. But at least now I have control over my kids and my future, where as before we were at the mercy of his drug/alcohol abuse. I wish the same peace for you.
Take good care of yourself ~ you'll be in my prayers!
I am finding myself starting over with two teens back at my parents. But at least now I have control over my kids and my future, where as before we were at the mercy of his drug/alcohol abuse. I wish the same peace for you.
Take good care of yourself ~ you'll be in my prayers!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Think about your children. Is this the life you want them to be part of. I am sorry that you are hurting and scared, but you need to put them first right now. Take care of yourself and your precious children. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
Welcome to the site and sorry you are going through such a tough time.
I dont' really have anything to add to what's already been said because it is all good advice. Unfortunately you are going to have to come to grips with the fact that you and your baby can only count on you. You'll have to forget about the baby's daddy as far as him helping you in any way. You can't make him care or grow up. There are plenty of resources out there via the State to make sure you have food, clothing, and shelter for you and your baby. Be strong and you will make it.
((HUGS))
I dont' really have anything to add to what's already been said because it is all good advice. Unfortunately you are going to have to come to grips with the fact that you and your baby can only count on you. You'll have to forget about the baby's daddy as far as him helping you in any way. You can't make him care or grow up. There are plenty of resources out there via the State to make sure you have food, clothing, and shelter for you and your baby. Be strong and you will make it.
((HUGS))
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((JJBean))))))
I just wanted to welcome you to sr. Let ya know, I was once young, with 2 small children, and an addict/alcoholic for a husband.
Most importantly...I had a job.
It's tough, I know. I was able to stay home with both my babies during their first year of life, then I needed to work. My mother babysat alot for me.
I would work days, she would work nights, and we lived together after I kicked out my husband. For the 100th time, I might add. He'd get drunk/high, I wouldn't see him all weekend long. I'd pack his stuff, he'd leave, and a week or two later, I would beg him to come back. I didn't want to be alone, for one thing. For another, I still thought things were suppose to be worked out until they worked out. I didn't want a divorce like my mom and dad. I intended to work at the marriage. Whether he tried or not. lol
Anyway, I know your about to have a baby, sweetie, and I don't know how old you are...I was 22, pregnant, and had a 4 yo. I can relate. I grew up overnight.
If your serious about changing your life for the better, without addiction, (which, btw, I didn't mention until just now, because it's really irrelevant.) you need to stand up for yourself and your kids and make your life what you want it to be.
Only you can stop the madness. At least until the abf decides to go into rehab and work a recovery plan.
My heart goes out to ya, as do my prayers and support. Keep comin' back to sr.
It's a great place and the people (ha! including me) are awesome.
A new sr. buddy,
Linda
I just wanted to welcome you to sr. Let ya know, I was once young, with 2 small children, and an addict/alcoholic for a husband.
Most importantly...I had a job.
It's tough, I know. I was able to stay home with both my babies during their first year of life, then I needed to work. My mother babysat alot for me.
I would work days, she would work nights, and we lived together after I kicked out my husband. For the 100th time, I might add. He'd get drunk/high, I wouldn't see him all weekend long. I'd pack his stuff, he'd leave, and a week or two later, I would beg him to come back. I didn't want to be alone, for one thing. For another, I still thought things were suppose to be worked out until they worked out. I didn't want a divorce like my mom and dad. I intended to work at the marriage. Whether he tried or not. lol
Anyway, I know your about to have a baby, sweetie, and I don't know how old you are...I was 22, pregnant, and had a 4 yo. I can relate. I grew up overnight.
If your serious about changing your life for the better, without addiction, (which, btw, I didn't mention until just now, because it's really irrelevant.) you need to stand up for yourself and your kids and make your life what you want it to be.
Only you can stop the madness. At least until the abf decides to go into rehab and work a recovery plan.
My heart goes out to ya, as do my prayers and support. Keep comin' back to sr.
It's a great place and the people (ha! including me) are awesome.
A new sr. buddy,
Linda
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Welcome. Sorry we had to meet this way. Coming here is a good first step. You are correct when you say it seems you are not the one your BF is in love with. He is in love with his DOC (drug of Choice). Drug use tends to escalate at the expense of relationships, children and everything else in the addicts life.
I would suggest you do a couple of things. First, read the "stickies" at the top of the forum. Lots of great advice there. Second, read the book, "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You can get used copies at Amazon or Barnes and Noble if you don't want to purchase new. Try to start attending local NarAnon or AlAnon meetings where you will find other people who truly understand your fear, pain and needs.
You cannot "save" him. Been there and done that myself. You can save yourself and your children.
Wanting to be a good wife and a Mother is not without merit. However, in doing those things you need to know how to take care of yourself and your children without someone else around. It is hard to do, but the rewards of being able to take care of you are absolutely wonderful.
For me there were tears and sorrows and deep sadness at first.. and this bloomed into self awareness and self identity. I look back at my relationship with my X ABF (x addicted boy friend) and I cannot believe I actually did some of the things I did to try to "help" him to make a good life (at the expense of my own well being!). I look back too and see how much better off I am today without him and his self centered addict behavior with his first true love.. DRUGS.
Best wishes to you.
I would suggest you do a couple of things. First, read the "stickies" at the top of the forum. Lots of great advice there. Second, read the book, "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You can get used copies at Amazon or Barnes and Noble if you don't want to purchase new. Try to start attending local NarAnon or AlAnon meetings where you will find other people who truly understand your fear, pain and needs.
You cannot "save" him. Been there and done that myself. You can save yourself and your children.
Wanting to be a good wife and a Mother is not without merit. However, in doing those things you need to know how to take care of yourself and your children without someone else around. It is hard to do, but the rewards of being able to take care of you are absolutely wonderful.
For me there were tears and sorrows and deep sadness at first.. and this bloomed into self awareness and self identity. I look back at my relationship with my X ABF (x addicted boy friend) and I cannot believe I actually did some of the things I did to try to "help" him to make a good life (at the expense of my own well being!). I look back too and see how much better off I am today without him and his self centered addict behavior with his first true love.. DRUGS.
Best wishes to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you are not alone.you have your parents & now us.welcome to S.R. read all the stickys, is that the life you want for your baby & the daughter you have? is the life with an addict what you want for your self? only u can answer that.i am so sorry for you.i will say a prayer for you & your b.f. keep coming back & read around, there is alot of info here.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
JJ,
Plenty of good stuff said before me, so I will just welcome you, and say, just take one day at a time. Even if it's only one MINUTE, take it slow, take care of you and your new baby on the way.....
Just remember, you have friends here,
Hugs, and keep us updated on your pregnancy.
The new baby can call me Auntie Mooselips...LOL
Plenty of good stuff said before me, so I will just welcome you, and say, just take one day at a time. Even if it's only one MINUTE, take it slow, take care of you and your new baby on the way.....
Just remember, you have friends here,
Hugs, and keep us updated on your pregnancy.
The new baby can call me Auntie Mooselips...LOL
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Welcome to this site, you have made the first step in understanding how powerful addiction can be. There is absolutely nothing you can do to help him, until he readily admits it to him self. The broken promises, the lies, the financial stress it is constantly a merry go round. You can however concentrate on you and your children.
There first love is the drug everything else is secondary. I am the mother of a As it is heart breaking no matter how much we love them we can not save them. It took me a long time to understand that. Its only through naranon and this board that I have come to realize that. Please have faith you will be okay, look after yourself and your children. It won't be easy, but the stress of enabling an addict is even more stressful.
Loving them is to let them fall on there own took me a long time to understand that my son hasnt fallen yet.I know everything probably seems overwhelming right now and that its never going to change, I promise you if you concentrate on you and your children it will get better. Hugs to you
There first love is the drug everything else is secondary. I am the mother of a As it is heart breaking no matter how much we love them we can not save them. It took me a long time to understand that. Its only through naranon and this board that I have come to realize that. Please have faith you will be okay, look after yourself and your children. It won't be easy, but the stress of enabling an addict is even more stressful.
Loving them is to let them fall on there own took me a long time to understand that my son hasnt fallen yet.I know everything probably seems overwhelming right now and that its never going to change, I promise you if you concentrate on you and your children it will get better. Hugs to you
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Canada
Posts: 23
Hi jjbean,
First of all, can I give you a big hug?
Your heart must be broken. Mine would be, too.
Perhaps you'll need to rely on your parents for a while to help you while you sort things out. That's okay.
The most important people right now are you and your babies. They need you and you need them. That 'circle of love' is sacred.
John will need to deal with his own stuff in his own time. He may be outside of that circle right now, but that's not to say that someday he won't return.
Our concern is about you. Please share more if you feel comfortable in doing so.
Please never, ever minimize your own needs as compared to those of your addict. Your needs are every bit as important.
Marjatta
First of all, can I give you a big hug?
Your heart must be broken. Mine would be, too.
Perhaps you'll need to rely on your parents for a while to help you while you sort things out. That's okay.
The most important people right now are you and your babies. They need you and you need them. That 'circle of love' is sacred.
John will need to deal with his own stuff in his own time. He may be outside of that circle right now, but that's not to say that someday he won't return.
Our concern is about you. Please share more if you feel comfortable in doing so.
Please never, ever minimize your own needs as compared to those of your addict. Your needs are every bit as important.
Marjatta
Peace Hope Love
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 72
Hi JJ - welcome to SR - keep coming back; these folsk are incredible. I have only been with them a few short months - but these people have wisdom and hope. I am grateful. Things I have learned "I AM WORTHY"; I can set healthy boundaries and I can stick to them; I can re-learn to respect myself first! I don't own their addiction, I didn't cause their addiction and I can't cure their addiction. Scream and cry as mcuh as i want - at the end of the day they own their yes and they own their no. And so do I - i own my 'yes' and I own my 'no'. Hope that makes sense - hang in there. We are all praying for you! Hugs and Blesses / M
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Hi JJ,
I am sorry you have to be in this position. Things really do get better even though it seems like it wont. Keep hanging in there, attend meetings where you can make good friends, and learn coping skills.
Keep posting too.
Take care.
I am sorry you have to be in this position. Things really do get better even though it seems like it wont. Keep hanging in there, attend meetings where you can make good friends, and learn coping skills.
Keep posting too.
Take care.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
JJ,
I, too, want to add my welcome to you. I'm sorry you have this situation in your life, but I'm glad you found us. This is a great place for support. People here understand what you're going through.
You've gotten good comments. Only thing I can reinforce is that you, in your time, will have to come to the realization that his addiction is what is driving him. He has a disease and until he gets some help, it will continue to control him.
And since we can't control anyone else but ourselves, I pray that you can get the focus back on you and your children. You might can only handle it one hour at a time, just try and do it. You can be okay. I know sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but I know you can be. Your Higher Power is in control of your life as well as the addicted, so please know that you can be okay in all of this.
Please keep coming back for you'll learn a whole lot about yourself and life when you love an addict.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
I, too, want to add my welcome to you. I'm sorry you have this situation in your life, but I'm glad you found us. This is a great place for support. People here understand what you're going through.
You've gotten good comments. Only thing I can reinforce is that you, in your time, will have to come to the realization that his addiction is what is driving him. He has a disease and until he gets some help, it will continue to control him.
And since we can't control anyone else but ourselves, I pray that you can get the focus back on you and your children. You might can only handle it one hour at a time, just try and do it. You can be okay. I know sometimes it doesn't feel like it, but I know you can be. Your Higher Power is in control of your life as well as the addicted, so please know that you can be okay in all of this.
Please keep coming back for you'll learn a whole lot about yourself and life when you love an addict.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
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