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marle 05-26-2007 10:00 AM

The scariest point for you to be
Where was your scariest point to be. I was thinking about this today because there are still times when thoughts of my AD bring me to a scary place. Then I thought about it. When was I the most scared and I have to admit that it was the day that I realized that I have no power over her addiction. It was so hard to let go because as long as I was still trying to stop her, I felt that I could change the course of her future. It was only when I finally admitted that I couldn't and I let go that I felt real fear. I think that is why I tried so hard for so long. It was not because I really thought that I could help her, it was because I wanted to help me. I thought by holding on I could keep my own fears at bay. The last time I saw her, I realized that it no longer matters what I do or don't do, what I say or don't say. I finally quit trying. It still scares me, I still have days when I want to say or do something that will make a difference. But today I keep silent. Today I pray. Today I know I can only help myself. I know that I can love her with all my heart. I can have days when I feel that my heart will break with wanting her to get better. There are days I miss her so much that I feel like I will die if I don't see her. Today, though, I know that I have to feel the feelings without acting on them. That is hard, but I am making it ONE DAY AT A TIME. Hugs, Marle

cmc 05-26-2007 11:37 AM

I admire the strength of your recovery and also your openness to share those painful feelings.

I've had a few what I call 'moments of clarity' moments. The one that comes to mind, I have shared here before. Our son was staying with us for a couple weeks and a sherriff came to the door to let us know that his car had been found.

Evidently the people who 'stole' it had been pulled over for a traffic violation and in order to prevent the police from having it towed, we could come pick it up and save the money to pay impound services. This was the second or maybe third 'story' having to do with his car and we were on the fence as to whether to believe our son. Even if he was lying, we didn't want him to be without his car...and wouldn't you know it- we were the ones paying to retrieve the car each time.

When we got there, this time was different as I became physically very ill- I noticed that those dealers were watching me, my car- and a few 'bystanders' approached and tried to view my license plates. I had to stand behind my truck to block their view before the police made them leave.

While we spoke with the police, the gang of drug dealers were sitting hands over head on the pavement and one was locked in the back of the patrol car. Normally up to that point nothing traumatic had ever phased me and I was always strong in the face of danger or any type of trouble. I thought I was smart enough and tough enough to handle this and was not afraid to go into a neighborhood like this one, much less care about what those people could do to me or my family. How could I have not realized the truth until it was shoved in front of me? I realized it real fast that night, and snapped out of that kind of thinking- thank God.

I drove back home alone and mr cmc drove with our son. Our daughter was very ill and I needed to stop by her apt on the way. I felt a sudden rush of anger that I had never felt in my life...anger at myself for putting my safety at risk, and not spending that time with my adult daughter who 'really' needed my help.
I promised myself 'never again.'

That was my breaking point and I've been a different person since that night. It all seemed perfectly normal to do the things I did, but I began to 'see' that I had no choices anymore and had to let him fall on his own and keep myself from falling with him.

That wasn't the last time I enabled...I'm sorry to say, but we did find better ways to respond or not respond to what he was doing. Eventually he was arrested, did some time and is over one year clean now and has every opportunity for success ahead of him...should he choose it.

Thanks for letting me share.

caileesnana 05-26-2007 11:48 AM

God bless you Marle. You say the words to the feelings I have experienced so many times. There is no pain like this. You and your daughter are always in my prayers.
I am happy w/ myself when I got for an hour or two and don't think about her. When I realize I didn't, it it shocking and sometimes I feel bad. I guess by not thinking about her and going on means I go on w/o her. Still trying to understand so much, but like you, I love and miss my daughter.

BigSis 05-26-2007 01:21 PM

I think the first scariest time was when the pediatrician's office called with the results of her UA. I knew "something" was going on, and had been told by some of her friends that she was using meth... but that was SO preposterous!! And her story absolutely made me feel better...after all, those new friends of hers ALL came from single parent households, with little supervision and heck, they were a bunch of little obnoxious drug users themselves!

About a month later, following an all-night gone incident, I had her go to the hospital and drop off a UA to "prove" her story.

Then I got the call at work... and when the doctor said, the test came back positive for meth... I thought the world had disappeared beneath me... I must have held my breath or something, because it did get darker. And for the first time that I can remember, I didn't know the right answer to something that might mean life or death.

That was the first scariest time... but far from the last.

washbe2 05-26-2007 01:36 PM

Oh, my. There have been so many frightening moments over the last 18 years. From the first time my son was arrested, beaten up, homeless, hep c, drug neighborhoods, to the accident now 30 days ago and still in hospital.

I think when my son was hallucinating last week after surgery and thought everyone wanted to kill him was way up there. I didn't know if he would "come out of it" or not. And when he swung at me with his casts, and tried to bite and scratch me, I went numb. He believed I had been brainwashed by the ones trying to kill him.

Thankfully, he is over that and has apologized to me several times. I know he would never physically hurt me on purpose, but that was so scary to witness.

I like the saying, "Courage is fear that has said its prayers." I guess I don't say them nearly enough because I find myself without courage too often. But it's something to think about.


marle 05-26-2007 02:02 PM

Washbe, I think that you are very courageous. You have been through so much and you have survived. Hugs, Marle

Wascally Wabbit 05-26-2007 02:20 PM

Oh, I have to say there have been so many I have come to believe my whole life is scarey.
Way too many incidents to mention. It's terrible really.

Ann 05-26-2007 03:29 PM

For me, it wasn't during any particular crisis (when I should have been scared I was too codependent to even realize the danger I was in). For me the most fear I have ever felt in my life was when I finally had to face the fact that addiction may kill my son. Facing death square in the eye and knowing how very possible, if not likely, that my son's addiction will end with death, scared me something terrible.

Strangely, that was also the end of my fear, at least the end of that kind of fear, because when I dealt with it, and said about 10,000 prayers, I finally surrendered my son to God and each day I ask Him to take care of him and then spend the rest of the day in faith that He will.


MeggieStar 05-26-2007 04:37 PM

The scariest point I've ever been in was a few weeks ago on the night AH went to rehab. I sat in a horrible seedy motel room that reeked of smoke for two hours trying to convince AH to walk away from his drugs. He wouldn't let go of the business portfolio he kept them in, tried to shut me out of the bathroom, kept begging me to let him do "one more" WHILE I WAS THERE...was sweating and tweaked out and crazy insane. And although I felt very very calm, and I absolutely believed he was going to use no matter what I said, later that night when I had to go back to that room to dispose of the drugs and needles I couldn't believe this is where my life had wound up. I will never again be in a place like that.

Yes, my AH agreed to go to rehab that night. And I don't regret doing what I did. I am still surprised he went. I honestly was about to walk out the door and call the police immediately. Everything just felt so out of control and surreal... I knew then for sure the man I married was completely gone. I didn't feel upset for my AH because he was like a stranger to me, I didn't love him that day and I wasn't afraid for him. I still don't know why I stayed in that room so long. It was a stupid thing of me to do. But like I said, I will never ever go back.

mooselips 05-26-2007 05:33 PM

Oh gosh, so many scary parts of the terrible, depressing road of addiction.

Probably the scariest times for me came while I was lying in bed at night, trying to sleep, and I would obsess over and over, awfulizing, feeling full of dread, wondering where they were, if they were on the street, or lying dead somewhere of an OD.....

and then realizing there was nothing I could do to fix it.

Not pleasant memories

ebv 05-26-2007 06:14 PM

Maybe it's time for tough love, intervention and court commital, she'll hate you at first but love you in the end.
prayers to you.

marle 05-26-2007 06:36 PM

ebv, Not possible. Believe me I have tried in the past. She lives with her crack addict boyfriend. He is 37 and buys all her drugs. I practice tough love. Have no contact with her. She knows I love her but will not enable her. She knows that we will help her with rehab when she is ready. She is not. That is what I meant by my fear. I know with everything that is in me that I cannot control what she does. That I cannot stop her. Have tried everything. The fear came when I finally let go. I have always been controlling and over protective. This was hard for me and took me a long time to finally accept my powerlessness. Still scares me from time to time. But she is in God's hands now and I have to trust that what I can't do for her, He can. Hugs, Marle

mendingheart 05-26-2007 07:36 PM

Many scary times....never thought I would be in any of it. Sleeping with someone...not really knowing just HOW drugged they really were.....waking to check for breathing each night.....
Detox.....death and back to life again.....from a human just showing up, to clarity in sobriety.....driving so they do not get behind the wheel.....crazy.
I am now FREE OF THIS. big sigh......
My heart goes out to you. The largest sign like you said, is grieving the loss of letting go of any outcome. I just tell myself, he is a very ill man. It is the disease and the sickness. It is his choice to live that way, whether I walk on egg shells, do handstands, or simply run circles around the situations.....IT JUST DOES NOT MATTER> It is what it is,.....the addiction wins.

rahsue 05-26-2007 09:09 PM

I have posted that this past mothers day was my "r"as relapse and I had to give him mouth to mouth to get him to breathe again, but that wasn't my scariest to even my astonishment, my scariest was when he started doing heroin and I had no clue of addiction, he had just turned 17 full life in front of him and I thought he was dying in a week. slowly, very slowly I learned and read and learned ect ect ect and knowledge truly is power, I'm not affraid like I was I know that he still might die of an overdose. theres not too much I can do I am a very supporting mother well his whole family is too but I do all and I mean all that I can for him without killing myself ( oh such a long story) but the scariest was when he started not now I think I am much calmer than I ever was oh by the way hes 22 I don't want you to think hes 50 and that I'm a martyr dealing for 30 years or something (my stupid humor)

liesagain 05-27-2007 12:07 AM

the scariest point for me was recently ..........becoming aware of all the things he does in his active addiction and knowing what he's done to me breaking my trust and every promise hes ever made to me..........then hearing that voice in my head that says .....its ok you love him...............realizing that such a big part of me wants to stay despite the pain and finally seeing for myself that I have become ...........someone I never have been, someone who somewhere along the line became willing to reduce my standards...........

tropikgal2 05-27-2007 05:32 AM

Oh man, I feel guilty because you all have gone through way scarier times than I have. I guess my scariest time was when my RAH told me the truth about his drug addiction and went to detox/rehab. Then I became this constantly crying, nerve-wracked person who felt like she had the emotional control of a 16 year-old (ie: none). That SSSOOOOO was not the real me. I am usually tough as nails (when I need to be) and don't take cr*p from anyone. Well, fortunately the REAL me is back and I am glad to see her!!! YEAH!

brokenheart 05-27-2007 06:58 AM

My first reaction to this post was the night my AS and DIL were arrested and my granddaughter, then 10 mo. old, was taken into DHS custody. I stayed up all night long cleaning, scrubbing, rearranging, and crying. And OMG seeing him through that glass window for the first time!

As I read your stories, I discovered that there were other times just as scary for me.

Countless nights not knowing where he was or what he was doing and praying that he would come home safely.

His truck had been found wrecked. flipped, totaled. Police were looking for him. When he got someone to bring him home, he was in such bad shape that we had to take him to ER. He had to have stitches all in his head.

Taking him to boot camp and leaving him there with thugs that he didn't need to be around. Crying all the way home.

Listening to my ex-husband tell the probation officer that I was a bad mother who let my children do whatever they wanted and had no disciplinary control over them.

After he and his wife were bailed out of jail and placed in Rehab, a lady from rehab called and he and his wife had walked out.

My dad was in the hospital with a heart attack, critical condition, in the same town where my AS and DIL were living while awaiting sentencing. My mom and I went to their appt. to take showers early one morn. We had trouble getting them to the door. They finally got up and were both in the bathroom when my DIL started screaming hysterically. My AS, then only 20 yrs. old, was in the bathroom floor against the door having seizures. We couldn't get the door open to help. We thought they were staying clean, but they had injected cocain, and his body had a bad reaction to it. We spent the rest of the day in the ER.

Seeing my son for the first time in his prison uniform. Leaving him there that day.

Taking my granddaughter to see her parents and listening to her screaming and crying for 30 minutes on the way home that she wants her mommy and daddy. Walking her and holding her close at nights when she wakes up with nightmares. Hearing her tell me that her mommy sleeps in a playpen. Listening to her cry to go to the store just down the street with her daddy and having to tell her no (b/c he can't be trusted).

It is all a nightmare for me, but I am stronger today because of it. I am not as niave as I used to be, but I still have a long way to go, and I know that due to my AS's condition, I also still have a lot more to go through.

marle 05-27-2007 07:17 AM

Brokenhearted. Thank you for sharing. When there are children involved, it brings the fear to a whole different level. I thank God that my daughter does not have any yet. Hugs, Marle

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