Now What do I do????
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hinesville, GA
Posts: 38
Now What do I do????
Most of you won't even remember me.....it's been so long. My boyfriend of 3 years went to rehab a year ago this month for cocaine addiction. He has done so well...changed his entire lifestyle, network of friends, job, etc. Has been so dependable, lovable, responsible.......all the things I knew were in there. In September of last year.....we had a huge argument that ended with me leaving the house furious (can't even remember what the argument was about), suffice it to say, the temptation of "freedom" proved too much and he had a "slip". I use this term b/c I read about it in his rehab paperwork. Evidently the difference in a "slip" and a "relapse" is that a "slip" is a one-time, isolated incident resulting in total disappointment to the addict. He admitted it to me immediately (without me even asking or suspecting, actually) and was deeply upset and depressed by his choice and repeatedly said he had let himself, me, and the rest of his family down. He claimed it made him feel miserable, even while doing it, and we put it behind us and moved on.
He got right back on track and things have been great. Fast forward to this past Wednesday. We had a very heated argument (which we don't have often), but i exploded and told him to leave the house. He called several times trying to explain his point, but I was extremely upset (because this involved him receiving a text message from another woman). So what does he do????? You guessed it.....called up the old "running buddy" and packed his head full of powder.
He came home at 4:30 AM and I was up waiting for him. I had tried to call him all night and knew within the first few attempts and no answer from him what he was doing. He admitted right to it and said he was ashamed of himself. I sent him packing and he called back around the clock for the next 2 days until I would talk to him. Long story longer....I have taken him back, once again......but feel like a damned fool for doing it this time. I mean, what do I really have to look forward to with this man??? "Slips" every 6 months is NOT how I am gonna live.....it's unacceptable. Problem is, I feel like I "triggered" it both times by my leaving/asking him to leave. I am 99% sure he isn't using. I am 99% sure it has only been these 2 times. Can anyone out there relate? offer advice? I thought we had this behind us, and my energy for all of this drama again is just non existent. Now, I am having all of this trust/insecurity stuff creeping back up. I don't know whether to run like hell or hang in there. It's just I have so much time and work and feelings invested in this relationship.....and we had come so far. Now i feel like we are back at square 1. Can anybody help??? Sorry so long.
He got right back on track and things have been great. Fast forward to this past Wednesday. We had a very heated argument (which we don't have often), but i exploded and told him to leave the house. He called several times trying to explain his point, but I was extremely upset (because this involved him receiving a text message from another woman). So what does he do????? You guessed it.....called up the old "running buddy" and packed his head full of powder.
He came home at 4:30 AM and I was up waiting for him. I had tried to call him all night and knew within the first few attempts and no answer from him what he was doing. He admitted right to it and said he was ashamed of himself. I sent him packing and he called back around the clock for the next 2 days until I would talk to him. Long story longer....I have taken him back, once again......but feel like a damned fool for doing it this time. I mean, what do I really have to look forward to with this man??? "Slips" every 6 months is NOT how I am gonna live.....it's unacceptable. Problem is, I feel like I "triggered" it both times by my leaving/asking him to leave. I am 99% sure he isn't using. I am 99% sure it has only been these 2 times. Can anyone out there relate? offer advice? I thought we had this behind us, and my energy for all of this drama again is just non existent. Now, I am having all of this trust/insecurity stuff creeping back up. I don't know whether to run like hell or hang in there. It's just I have so much time and work and feelings invested in this relationship.....and we had come so far. Now i feel like we are back at square 1. Can anybody help??? Sorry so long.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Do you want to live your life always having to walk on eggshells in order for him not to use. You did not cause him to use. When you two had the arguments, did you go out and get blotto? He has the same choice. He decided to use and then make it seem like it is your fault. Only you can decide. He may or may not do it again, but you can't stop it and living your life without trust in your partner is no way to live. Hugs, Marle
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I have no real advice, all I can say is that:
He will always be an addict, it's just a matter of whether he is active or not...that's the whole scenario.
Now, that puts the ball in your court, can you accept that, can you ride on the rollercoaster for the rest of your life?
I couldn't, I had to jump off, however some can. This is a decision that only you can make.
Others will be here, keep posting.
He will always be an addict, it's just a matter of whether he is active or not...that's the whole scenario.
Now, that puts the ball in your court, can you accept that, can you ride on the rollercoaster for the rest of your life?
I couldn't, I had to jump off, however some can. This is a decision that only you can make.
Others will be here, keep posting.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Well, he is going to have disagreements and arguments with people or in relationships whether he is with you or not, and he's gonna have to deal with the desire to use when he's upset. It's not your fault that he used as a result of your arguement. Look at the big picture-a slip teice a year-if he's still working his program-then you have to decide what you can live with. you said that the twice a year slip is too many for you...Maybe you can see each other and not live together?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hinesville, GA
Posts: 38
i wish i could tell you i had the courage at this point in my life to just say "you knew my boundaries, you crossed them, hit the road, jack". But the truth is, everything else in my life just happens to be in total chaos right now....not in a bad way....i am starting a great new job next week and I (in my name only) just bought a house and I am moving this weekend. This b/s threw a real wrench in my plans as I had really let my guard down. But all i can do now is look at him and feel resentment for screwing up our progress and taking us back to this crappy place.
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rae rae,
that option is sounding better by the minute.....but i am certain it would be our demise. he doesn't function very well on his own. but what does that make me?? besides an idiot! I am just so damed mad with him for being so weak and doing this.
that option is sounding better by the minute.....but i am certain it would be our demise. he doesn't function very well on his own. but what does that make me?? besides an idiot! I am just so damed mad with him for being so weak and doing this.
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
I agree with the others, what can YOU live with? If staying together but not living together sounds like a good idea then perhaps try it out. If he cannot "function" on his own and relapses, causing the demise of your relationship, then maybe it wan't meant to be. It isn't up to you to function for him, he has to do that for himself.
One of the addicts in my life is my husband. I have stayed. Dolly is right, sometimes it is just like riding a roller coaster. For now, I'm staying on board. It's tough sometimes trying not to wonder "what if?" what if he relapses? what if he doesn't come home? what if? what if? what if? Right now, thankfully, he isn't using. But I live everyday knowing that it IS very possible that he might. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow... but someday he might. For ME, for right now I am doing what I can live with. Someday he may relapse, and someday I may reach my point where I've had enough. Just an idea of what it is like to stay with an addict. I know my husband will ALWAYS be an addict, it's just a matter of whether he's active or not.
And just remember the 3 C's
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CURE it
Big hugs,
CBS
One of the addicts in my life is my husband. I have stayed. Dolly is right, sometimes it is just like riding a roller coaster. For now, I'm staying on board. It's tough sometimes trying not to wonder "what if?" what if he relapses? what if he doesn't come home? what if? what if? what if? Right now, thankfully, he isn't using. But I live everyday knowing that it IS very possible that he might. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow... but someday he might. For ME, for right now I am doing what I can live with. Someday he may relapse, and someday I may reach my point where I've had enough. Just an idea of what it is like to stay with an addict. I know my husband will ALWAYS be an addict, it's just a matter of whether he's active or not.
And just remember the 3 C's
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CURE it
Big hugs,
CBS
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hinesville, GA
Posts: 38
Dear BigSis,
Wow! Thank you so much.....how long have you been married? How much of this time has he been using? Sometimes I think my outlook and expectations are distorted, as my father is a recovered alcoholic who has never once wavered, looked back, or even come close to "slipping" or relapse in 28 years. He has a very strong faith in God, however, and I do believe that is the source of his strength. But what i am saying is...b/c of this, I tend to look at my A b/f and assume he can achieve this same success. I can say, however, I have definitely finally come to a point in my own recovery where i realize I have no control and i can not ever "fix" him.
Wow! Thank you so much.....how long have you been married? How much of this time has he been using? Sometimes I think my outlook and expectations are distorted, as my father is a recovered alcoholic who has never once wavered, looked back, or even come close to "slipping" or relapse in 28 years. He has a very strong faith in God, however, and I do believe that is the source of his strength. But what i am saying is...b/c of this, I tend to look at my A b/f and assume he can achieve this same success. I can say, however, I have definitely finally come to a point in my own recovery where i realize I have no control and i can not ever "fix" him.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
nobody "causes" anybody to do anything, we all make our own choices. you cant make anyone use, anymore than you can make them stop using. if that were true my life would be much simpler. my as can't seem to grasp this concept, especially in times like these when hes using, everything that befalls him is someone elses fault. in reality though, its no one;s fault but his own, and if i enable him thats not his fault its mine, my choice to help him slowly kill himself.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: here and now
Posts: 1,291
Originally Posted by codependent1 
rae rae,
that option is sounding better by the minute.....but i am certain it would be our demise. he doesn't function very well on his own. but what does that make me?? besides an idiot! I am just so damed mad with him for being so weak and doing this.
that option is sounding better by the minute.....but i am certain it would be our demise. he doesn't function very well on his own. but what does that make me?? besides an idiot! I am just so damed mad with him for being so weak and doing this.
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 234
Originally Posted by codependent1
Dear BigSis,
Wow! Thank you so much.....how long have you been married? How much of this time has he been using? Sometimes I think my outlook and expectations are distorted, as my father is a recovered alcoholic who has never once wavered, looked back, or even come close to "slipping" or relapse in 28 years. He has a very strong faith in God, however, and I do believe that is the source of his strength. But what i am saying is...b/c of this, I tend to look at my A b/f and assume he can achieve this same success. I can say, however, I have definitely finally come to a point in my own recovery where i realize I have no control and i can not ever "fix" him.
Wow! Thank you so much.....how long have you been married? How much of this time has he been using? Sometimes I think my outlook and expectations are distorted, as my father is a recovered alcoholic who has never once wavered, looked back, or even come close to "slipping" or relapse in 28 years. He has a very strong faith in God, however, and I do believe that is the source of his strength. But what i am saying is...b/c of this, I tend to look at my A b/f and assume he can achieve this same success. I can say, however, I have definitely finally come to a point in my own recovery where i realize I have no control and i can not ever "fix" him.
We have been married almost a year, will be a year in August. We've been together for four years. In that time he's been using for about 3 and 1/2 of them. When we first got together he was very heavy into cocaine, he hasn't touched that since about 3 months after we got together... but sadly he replaced that addiction with pot. Every day, all day.... up until only six months ago.
trying to mend
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Where the Wild Things Are
Posts: 105
i would say run and don't look back--not that i would do it myself b/c i married an alcoholic who is now sober for over 12 years thank God, but what concerns me most in your relationship is that he hasn't learned to be independent. he is weak and needs that crutch everytime he feels his little world is in jeopardy. you must be the head of the household, kinda like you're the parent and he's the child. and he plays you. you blame yourself for his slip. he gets what he wants and is happily going about his merry way while you are left feeling very frustrated. if you do stay, be prepared to experience more of the same.
just wanted to add: read Cynay's post, 5/24 The Language of Letting Go
just wanted to add: read Cynay's post, 5/24 The Language of Letting Go
Last edited by brokenheart; 05-24-2007 at 10:05 PM. Reason: add info.
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
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at the "family meeting" for the rehab my AH is in they handed out papers( I didnt go but his sister read it to me)
and in the list of things to do or know and things to not do ...............it says
Nothing you can say or do can make them quit doing drugs and nothing you say or do will make them do drugs..............his slip or relapse is his and his alone.................if you have the Power to make him USE you'd have the power to make him quit
and most of us a aware by now that we just dont have that kind of power if we did we wouldnt be here
and in the list of things to do or know and things to not do ...............it says
Nothing you can say or do can make them quit doing drugs and nothing you say or do will make them do drugs..............his slip or relapse is his and his alone.................if you have the Power to make him USE you'd have the power to make him quit
and most of us a aware by now that we just dont have that kind of power if we did we wouldnt be here
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
I can say the same- three c's.
But I know it does not make the detaching from his behavior or what he may do, any easier. I truly feel your pain. I have claw marks all over my abf's recovery, addiction and almost any other thing that belongs on his side of the street.
Even in my anaolgies in my mind I can be codependent. Recently I have tried to create this mental image of two sides of a neighborhood street and two houses. Mine and his. On my side of the street is my yard, my physical house - things I should be working on and focusing on. Instead I am over in his yard peering in his windows, pulling his weeds and becoming frustrated and angry when he refuses to appreciate or change his ways.
As I said, even in my image it's difficult to picture me attending to my own yard and not being fixated on his. I am picking up his trash and hauling it to the street while my own proprety is abandon and littered.
When we have rebuilt trust- the fall back down to the reality of addiction feels so hard and so far. I think this is where denial comes in to soften the fall- because it would be entirely too overwhelming emotionally to be able to take. I am a perfect example of someone willing to accept less and less because I felt my need for that particular person and their attention and affection was too great.
The truth is that I really do not have any answers at all. I am going through something similar, except I dabble in changing, than revert back because venturing forward as unstable as I feel, feels impossible.
I just want you to know that you are not alone. I kick myself everyday and am hard on myself for staying, for hoping... I feel blind and foolish but, my negative thoughts towards myself only serve to fuel my self-hatred and inner anger. They do not make this any easier. I think it's okay not to have the answers- but even harder to sit with the unknown and wait till something feels right- especially when we have been second guessing ourselves for such a long time.
I have come to sort of believe that we live in a run-down neighborhood, but keep hearing stories that if we journey on an unknown path we can arrive at something much greater and more fulfilling- we can get to something better. The fear of the unknown and the comfort of familiarity is what keeps us from venturing forward. The journey requires blind faith and is laced with fear. Fear is what keeps us from moving forward. I am going to work on truly embracing this belief today. I hope you will be able to as well.
But I know it does not make the detaching from his behavior or what he may do, any easier. I truly feel your pain. I have claw marks all over my abf's recovery, addiction and almost any other thing that belongs on his side of the street.
Even in my anaolgies in my mind I can be codependent. Recently I have tried to create this mental image of two sides of a neighborhood street and two houses. Mine and his. On my side of the street is my yard, my physical house - things I should be working on and focusing on. Instead I am over in his yard peering in his windows, pulling his weeds and becoming frustrated and angry when he refuses to appreciate or change his ways.
As I said, even in my image it's difficult to picture me attending to my own yard and not being fixated on his. I am picking up his trash and hauling it to the street while my own proprety is abandon and littered.
When we have rebuilt trust- the fall back down to the reality of addiction feels so hard and so far. I think this is where denial comes in to soften the fall- because it would be entirely too overwhelming emotionally to be able to take. I am a perfect example of someone willing to accept less and less because I felt my need for that particular person and their attention and affection was too great.
The truth is that I really do not have any answers at all. I am going through something similar, except I dabble in changing, than revert back because venturing forward as unstable as I feel, feels impossible.
I just want you to know that you are not alone. I kick myself everyday and am hard on myself for staying, for hoping... I feel blind and foolish but, my negative thoughts towards myself only serve to fuel my self-hatred and inner anger. They do not make this any easier. I think it's okay not to have the answers- but even harder to sit with the unknown and wait till something feels right- especially when we have been second guessing ourselves for such a long time.
I have come to sort of believe that we live in a run-down neighborhood, but keep hearing stories that if we journey on an unknown path we can arrive at something much greater and more fulfilling- we can get to something better. The fear of the unknown and the comfort of familiarity is what keeps us from venturing forward. The journey requires blind faith and is laced with fear. Fear is what keeps us from moving forward. I am going to work on truly embracing this belief today. I hope you will be able to as well.
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