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ah viewing porn sights/downloading video porn

Old 05-23-2007, 09:24 AM
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ah viewing porn sights/downloading video porn

This isnt the first time I have found that my ah is looking at porn on the computer and it really disgusts me.... Last time he made up an excuse that he didnt visit all of those sights...i guess i didnt believe him, but i let it go.
Now again I find these disgusting videos that he was watching and it really turns my stomach...
So now, not only is addicted to drugs, but is this another addiction that he is starting up with???
He booked a trip to the islands for the family and i argued about it saying we couldnt afford it, but i just gave in because whats the sense. Hes not going to listen to me anyway. And he told my daughter we were going, so i didtn want to disapoint her..she was so excited about the vacation. So now I feel I need to "keep the peace" and "act normal" until at least we come back from the vacation.

The porn sights really disgust me, but does it pay to say something to him about it..that i know he has visited them??? Will it change anything or just add aggravation to my life????
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Old 05-23-2007, 11:13 AM
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I have something to say about this. When I was married I too dealt with this porn crap. I understand plenty of women whose hubands are not substance abusers have dealt with it too. I'm not sure that a man looking at porn, even daily, really qualifies as a sex addiction, but I have come to believe that it's plain disrespectful.

I'm not sure what your sex life is like, but mine actually prefered porn to me. Less emotional intimacy, you see. Just the physical gratification.

All I can tell you is I'm with you 100% and I would not put up with the porn crap again ever.
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Old 05-23-2007, 11:32 AM
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My ex wasnt a drug addict but I believe he was a porn addict. I went on his computer once and snooped and boy I wish I didnt what I saw just made my stomach turn and I felt just sick with what I saw and what he was saying to these girls. I didnt know what to say to him cause I didnt want him to know I snooped but to this day I remember that feeling. Everytime he touched me after that I felt ill I knew then it was my time to move on. We werent married and we didnt have children so it was easier on my part.

Like anvil said remember u do have a voice and when u have had enough u will let that voice be heard. I have heard that porn and drugs do go hand in hand its part of the so called package. I wish I had more to say that would make u feel better but I dont. All I can offer is (((HUGS)))
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Old 05-23-2007, 11:43 AM
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My first husband was a porn addict. Sad thing is like everything else it progresses quickly, dangerously and disgustingly.

You have the right to express your opinions to him, but honestly we cant change people they do what they want. You dont have to live with anything your uncomfortable with. Believe in that.
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Old 05-23-2007, 12:14 PM
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My RAH did the same thing when using coke. He would also look at tons of different sites on the computer.

Honestly I don't think there is any point in saying anything - he will probably come up with some excuse or lie. You will just aggravate yourself more.
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Old 05-23-2007, 12:47 PM
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i agree...

I believe also that it is very disrespectful. he was looking at them while I was sleeping in the bed next to him. I just feel that i dont even know him anymore.
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Old 05-23-2007, 12:56 PM
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I made a boundary about this when my husband when we first became intimate...he could have all that and everthing and anything and anyone OR me. Should I discover anything disrespectful I would move to the other bedroom immediately. What next, I don't know because I am pretty sure I will not be in this situation. We covered it before...and have learned alot about each other and our boundaries, and about our sexuality together. Not that there have not been some disagreements or things to be worked out. Together.
Marriage is union, right?
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Old 05-23-2007, 01:28 PM
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Education and boundaries.

Not telling him he is wrong but educating him about how you feel about such...
Why do you watch them? I think they are disgusting.
I would rather not have such in my house. What would our daughter think if she ever sees you watching such?
Some guy some place is getting rich by taking advantage of others and for me that is good enough reason to not watch such.

Boundaries... as you see fit to place them and able to hold them.

If need be... a child proof locking program on adult content that only you have the password for is one partial solution at keeping such out of your house.

Many times my wife would open my eyes to problems by sharing how she feels about my actions or lack of actions. When you do this or say this...this is how I feel. She wasn't saying I was wrong so I had no need to get defensive...she would say how things made her feel and leave the choices to do something about it in my hands.
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Old 05-23-2007, 02:08 PM
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because of the fact that i was "snooping on his laptop"..is it okay for me to say taht i was and tell him what i found???
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Old 05-23-2007, 02:14 PM
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Something I believe after two failed marriages because of my disease:

Married couples do not keep secrets from each other. This is not snooping, it's protecting yourself and asking for respect.
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Old 05-23-2007, 02:32 PM
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I do remember talking with a friend of mine whose husband is a sex addict. She went through alot of counseling and they told her the viewing of porn has nothing to do with her, but with him..It is a fantasy world he is looking for, there is nothing real about porn. That being said, even though it may have nothing to do with me, i dont like it and it makes me uncomfortable...i have told him this before...so if i have told him this and he still does it, well then that is being disrespectful..of course he is doing it when i am asleep thinkig i wont know about it....after just writing that i see how dumb that is....if he were having an affair he'd be hiding it too, and that is very disrespectful and that also has nothing to do with me, but the way he feels about himself.....
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Old 05-23-2007, 04:30 PM
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I know with my soon to be ExAH, whenever i found porn, that meant he was using. I too spied on his laptop and opened a can of worms!! I was so disgusted and sick. When I would ask him of the porn, he would say,"Oh, it's adware from internet sites I visit." I do think this is one of the most disresectful things a husband can do to his wife. As far as telling him you found it, well doesn't he already know that you know? It's kinda like running in a circle. He watches porn, you have a talk with him, he watches porn........ These are the reasons why my AH is my soon to be ex-AH.
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Old 05-23-2007, 06:15 PM
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Oh the stories I could tell about my ex and porn. It seems like this is yet another addiction added to a drug addiction.
I cou ldn't take it any more. I felt so incapable, so unattractive, so not worth while. The whole self esteem thing was horrible.
After I got away from it, and started dating a normal man, I realized how sick the ex really was, and how normal I was!
Then, I find out there are so many other women who went through the same thing.
I wasn't alone. You aren't either.
Don't let it get to your self esteem.
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Old 05-23-2007, 08:42 PM
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Yeah, porn can definitely be an addiction. Some people can just look at a Playboy or Penthouse once in a while, no problem. For others it is a serious issue. For them, actual intimacy can be very difficult and just looking at the computer or DVDs is easier than actually "performing". I think in addition to an addiction that affects the pleasure centers of the brain similar to drugs, it is also a form of anti-social behaviour. Much like addiction to violent video games.
And of course, not that this may be of much importance at this stage, but looking at Internet porn sites can really screw up your computer with the presence of spyware, adware, trojans, and worms.
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Old 05-24-2007, 01:16 PM
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I think that porn is just another choice of (drug) for them at that moment. weather it be a combination of more than one, or not. porn is cheating, may not be physical, but it is emotional as well as mentaly cheating.
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Old 05-24-2007, 01:53 PM
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If you say something about it, he will just hide it more. He probably won't stop. It's always kind of creepy to find your man's porn stash, whether it's on the web or whatever. Most men look at porn regularily, (and a lot of women do to) and it's not such a big deal I think if it's not out of control-like an addiction-and if he isn't messaging women online. Just because a guy looks at porn, it doesn't neccessarily mean that he is comparing you to them and that he isn't attracted to you. If I look at another guy and enjoy the way he looks, it doesn't mean that I don't like the guy I'm with any less. I know it hurts and can make a woman feel like she is inadaquite, but if he still is attracted to you, and he's not obsessed with it, it's probably not such a big deal. If you husband is a coke head, sometimes people on coke get hyper-sexual and it might be associated with that, in which case it's the drug that's the problem.
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Old 07-11-2007, 08:11 AM
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