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Is this enabling?

Old 05-22-2007, 12:01 PM
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Is this enabling?

My AS called me today still has no place to live its been 5 weeks. Hes waiting to get in to a program but it will still be another 4 weeks. We have not given him any money, however I did pay for him to stay in a seedy motel for 3 nites. Wich after I did it I realized I was enabling him. I dont ask him where he is staying probably at his buddies houses. He did go to see his grandmother yesterday who he is very close with. I guess she was a little cool with him, and he was quite upset its the one person that he has always been able to go to. My spouse and I have asked her not to help him at all. Anyhow today He asked me if we could give him some work ( we own our own business) he said he was desperate and hungry. Do I let him work for us for a few days or not? Is this a manipulation tactic? I couldnt get him to work for his dad before?
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Old 05-22-2007, 12:07 PM
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As if you were the only people on earth who could employ him? He can't go to social services, a homeless shelter, someplace like that? Churches hand out free food.

I don't want to tell you what to do, but it sounds like he's being manipulative to me. "Oh poor me ... starving, shivering, outdoors me ..."

Everyone else in the world seems to be able to provide these things for themselves, or works toward being able to. What makes him so precious?
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Old 05-22-2007, 12:25 PM
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There's really no clear definition of enabling. Its different for every person, every circumstance.
I always had to watch my motives. If I was doing something with the expectation that it would change something...that was very dangerous, for me.

Enabling doesn't make them use. While it might make it easier, if they want/need to use they will find a way. So, NOT enabling does not make them stop either.
I had to begin defining enabling according to the effect it had on me.

I have to admit that if it were me, and if I had the work that needed done, and the money to compensate, I would give him a chance.
You may be disappointed (yeah, I was on several occassions) but you might just strike a good deal.
Prayers that you find peace and clarity
(((hugs)))
Cece
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Old 05-22-2007, 12:32 PM
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Katie,

You are doing so well. Bless his Grandmother. I know this is hard for her.

I can't really add anything to what WantsOut said because it's ALL TRUE!

He was able to find dope. He can find food.

Hugs,

Lithloren
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Old 05-22-2007, 01:02 PM
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"If he was able to find dope, he can find food." And that in a nutshell is the problem. He does not have food because he is still finding dope. Let him figure this out. Hugs, Marle
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Old 05-22-2007, 01:05 PM
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Trust your instincts. They will tell you the truth about what to do. If it doesn't feel right, then don't do it. If it does feel right then offer him a job. He'll be working for the money, it isn't as if you are giving him money free and clear. Sometimes I think we can make things too complicated almost and try to read too much into every little action.
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Old 05-22-2007, 01:07 PM
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The only problem I see with giving him a job is if you can trust him. What is he using the money for? Food or drugs. If he is going to use the money for drugs then you are enabling him. You are making it easy for him to get money for drugs. Only you can decide. If in doubt offer him some food. That way you know where the money is going. Hugs, Marle
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Old 05-22-2007, 01:29 PM
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When my sons were down and out, I bought groceries and took them to where they were living....(EEK!)
I also told them they were invited to Sunday dinner.
For some unknown reason they only showed up once, or twice.

IMO, if I knew they were using, I wouldn't give any money in exchange for work. Somehow, I think I would be financing their drug habit.

These kind of decisions tug at a moms heartstrings, my heart hurts for you....
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Old 05-22-2007, 03:44 PM
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My heart hurts for you too, Katie.
Whenever my as came to me and asked if I would give him money for food, I would offer to take him somewhere and buy him something to eat.
He refused quite a few times, which meant the money he asked for wasn't going to go for food.
It's sad and it's sick that addicts rarely eat. They also rarely bathe. The drugs get into the skin and to keep it there as long as possible, they tend to not bathe, thinking that a layer of "dirt" is keeping the drugs in.
My son told me alot of really horrifying stories about what addicts do to "survive".
Pray on it and maybe a good choice will come to you.
With love and understanding,
Linda
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Old 05-22-2007, 04:29 PM
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Dear Katie, I haven't met you before but as the mom of an AS my heart hurts for you also. It is so very hard when they put us in this kind of a position.
I am still pretty much a codie & I'm trying hard to be strong. I don't know what I'd do if my AS put me in this position.
You & your AS are in my thoughts and prayers,
Diane
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Old 05-22-2007, 04:38 PM
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Excellent advice above me. I guess what I would add is the 3Cs:

I can't CAUSE addiction
I can't CONTROL addiction
I can't CURE addiction


Because nothing you do is going to change whether or not he uses, then what I learned was there were things I could and could not live with.

I could live with - withholding money.
I could not live with - withholding food.

In either case, I was not going to CAUSE, CONTROL or CURE his addiction.

I would suggest not to get too obsessive about it - just do what you need to do.

((hugs))
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Old 05-22-2007, 05:47 PM
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Well I can tell you that my addict eats a lot. Somehow she and her abf have found money for drugs and for food. My daughter has actually gained 30 pounds so I figure she must be really living the good life. Both of her addictions are being taken care of-drugs and food. Although the last time she came to visit about 3 months ago she told me they had no food. So I gave her crackers and peanut butter (the super size jar) and some soup. I was not going to fall for the poor me story. Her weight did not quite match with a starving person. Hugs, Marle
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Old 05-22-2007, 05:52 PM
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I don't have any advise as I have done all of the above! I'll keep you and yours in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 05-22-2007, 06:54 PM
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Katie,
I can't begin to tell you all the stories of myself and of other people I know personally who have to go through this.
My AS went back to jail because he couldn't stay clean. What a horrible shame it is.
For me, I had to quit any kind of assistance. He has got to realize that I can't take care of him and his addiction any more. It was killing me.
In fact, I had a church group over tonight and one of the finest women I know talked about her nephew. She said that her mother enables him and he is 44 years old! He's never had to actually be responsible in his life.
She told her mother that her mother is just enabling his death.
That made sense to me. The more I help my son with food, place to stay etc. the more able he is to drug.
You will make the decision that is right for you. Trust your instincts.
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Old 05-22-2007, 07:19 PM
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Good luck with the hard choices. For me personally, I am always willing to share a meal with my son. Sometimes I can separate the son from the addict and if he wasn't an addict I would want him to come by or meet me for a meal. He rarely does but when he is available, because it is so rare, I am more than happy to have a slice of normalcy (and a slice of pie). Other that he is on his own.
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Old 05-22-2007, 07:24 PM
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Some great advice ahead of me! It really is what you can live with. All I know is when my AD was DESPARATE for money because of this, that or the other thing, especially mentioning groceries, it was funny how she quickly turned her nose up to me buying groceries for her and bringing them to her. If she was truly hungry, she would have taken them.

Only through experience, time and testing myself did I find what I could and could not tolerate. I agree with CeCe, that is really what is important.

I'm sorry for your pain. But you are not alone.


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Old 05-22-2007, 07:56 PM
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I too think that this is something you must decide for yourself and do whatever is right for you.

When my son was hungry I'd have him over for dinner or take him somewhere and buy him lunch or dinnner and maybe something to take home. I'd do the same for any hungry person and I didn't have to trust him when we were on neutral ground.

I bought him groceries a few times, until I discovered that he sold them too the moment I left.

It's a shame a mother has to think about this, but like you I'd hesitate to give him money for any reason knowing it would never make it to be food on the table.

My heart to yours, Hugs.
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Old 05-24-2007, 09:09 AM
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Thankyou for all your replies. My instinct I guess is not to offer him a job. I really had to think about this one. What I thought about is how he went in to my office and stole cheques. I would be on pins and needles. I really need to stop wanting to help him and fend for himself. I did see him yesterday and bought him a hamburger. Its terrible when you can't trust them at all the whole time Im clutching my purse. I wish I had taken action two years ago. I guess it takes some of us longer. Thanks again!
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Old 05-24-2007, 01:23 PM
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Katie,
I posted a thread on here called "21 years is long enough", that's how long my b.f. has been useing, (could be more who knows)
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Old 05-24-2007, 02:05 PM
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Katie,
had to log off for alittle bit, anyway, I've talked to his brother about an intervention, he agrees with me but he has to talk to the rest of his family, hopefully they'll agree too.last night I read him the "what addicts do" letter from Jon I found on here, I couldn't believe it but he really listened, and wanted to know what kind of drugs Jon was on, said I didn't know, if I would have thought in time I would of said meth cause that's what he uses, at least he listened, maybe he'll slowly get on the right track. prayers to you and your family.
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