ConcernedBigSis

Tomorrow is my father-in-laws funeral. I've been dreading this day all week, for the obvious reasons. But there's another reason too. My mother-in-law. This woman, in the four years that I've been with RAH has been nothing but a real b*tch to me. She disregards EVERY rule that I have for my children, treats me like I'm half ******** when she can be bothered to speak to me, avoids me most of the rest of the time, talks down to me... ok this could go on forever... lets just say she's a b*tch. The night that Dad passed away she was nothing short of her usual self. She marched into DAD'S house and proceeded to tell his girlfriend "I just want you to know I WILL be at the funeral". No, I'm sorry for your loss.. nothing along those lines, she was just rude to Dad's girlfriend. This made me furious, I mean the woman came home from work to find the man that she loves dead on the bathroom floor, couldn't she show a little respect and decency? When I arrived, as usual, she couldn't be bothered to acknowledge me. Yet when we went to RAH's grandparents house, she sat down beside me and proceeded to ask my daughter stupid questions "Is mommy mean to you?""does mommy spank you all the time?" "does mommy not let you have toys?" What the H*LL!!! That just completely crossed the line. Here we are all sitting there mourning our loss and she starts pulling crap like that. Honestly, had we not been in the presence of RAH's grandparents I would've let the woman have it... all four years of it. She NEVER comes around or spends time with the kids, yet at any family get together she acts like she's around them 24/7. She actually had the nerve to make my grandmother cry at our wedding; our daughter was sitting with my grandma and she started to fuss a bit, well mommy dearest marched right up to my grandma and yanked my daughter out of her arms and very rudley told my grandma "I'M the GRANDMA, I can calm her down". She again made my grandma cry at my son's 5th birthday.
I guess my concern is, she's going to start the same ol' crap at Dad's funeral. I know it without a doubt. It's neither the time nor the place for her sh*t, and I'm certainly not in the mood. RAH says I need to talk to her and tell her how I feel or she will never stop, and that he's behind me 110% when I do. BUT, I'm afraid that tomorrow I'm going to just flip out and let her have it. I certainly don't want to do this at Dad's funeral... but I've had enough and refuse to take another moment of her crappy treatment. What do I do?!

rose

There is a Time and a Place...with her I would be making the Place! Your patients has gone on for far to long with this and it is time put her in her spot! Totally surprised that Dad's girlfriend sat there saying nothing....Wow. You don't have to put up with it! I say stand up and say your piece to her! How you do it is up to you and don't look back!

Go for it!

Rose

ConcernedBigSis

Thanks Rose.
It's too the point now with her that even MY MOM wants to let her have it. i just can't stand the thought of her playing "doting grandma" with my kids when she in all reality can't even be bothered with them because she's just "too busy".
Oh Dad's girlfriend DID say something. I believe it was along the lines of "do you think I give a ****? Do you think I hate you or something? I'd think very little of you if you didn't attend since he was your children's father."

BigSis

You might ask the funeral home if they have ushers. Make sure she is NOT seated with the rest of the family and if she causes trouble, ask them to remove her.

This should be cleared with the GF and the children. If they are willing then that is what I would do. If having her leave will cause any of THEM more pain, I would suck it up until I had her alone.... then watch out.

ConcernedBigSis

I'm almost certain that she won't be seated with the family, unless RAH's sister wants her to be. RAH and his brother do not get along with her much either. But as Grandpa and the rest of the family keep saying she's the EX wife, not family and if she causes anything Grandpa will more then likely put her in her place as well. He's already more then a little peeved with her. The DAY AFTER Dad passed she was calling to find out about insurance on him. Very poor timing, in my opinion. Unfortunately, we've also found out that her name is still on the house.... not good. Apparently it was the one thing that was never settled in the divorce. She's already been trying to talk BIL into selling it and kicking GF out. I guess BIL told her she'd better sign it over to them(RAH,BIL,&SIL) or she'll be the next one laid to rest.

BigSis

Ah... family. Gotta love 'em!! ((hugs))

ConcernedBigSis

I'm not COMPLETELY off topic here am I?? I mean this woman has overstepped my personal boundaries for the last 4 years...

BigSis

Nope. I think I woudda killed her already. In fact, I sat here wondering if I wouldn't have already had a no contact order on the stupid woman. You are doing good, I just hope the funeral can be a celebration of life for the man who is gone... and that she can take her ugly somewhere else.

Live

I hope you take BisSis's advice. Speak to the funeral director beforehand, they can do alot to help avert and diffuse a situation.

hugs,
live

Spiritual Seeker

Sometimes it helps to remember only take your own inventory. Her opinion of you doesn't matter. This may be a good time to practice detachment from her if you can.
Who cares what she thinks or how she acts it is only her problem isn't it?
Sorry about your loss...

teke

i agree with spiritual, practice detachment in the highest form, then the next time she attacks your kids, stand up and give her some advice, your advice. talk to the funeral director and explain the situation, and its good that your rah is backing you. seems like you are not in this alone so try to think what you'll say to her before you go off in a way that will effect your serenity. jmho

kj0975

Wow sounds like a wonderful person NOT. Dont let her bother u on this day if she comes near u kindly just get up and walk away. Dont allow yourself to be around her and if she talks to your kids kindly just take their hands and walk away. Its so frustrating.

My fiances dad just passed away a few months ago. The shame of the whole thing is no one on his fathers side knew he existed until they read about him in the obit. Then at the funeral was told not to talk to my fiance cause he couldnt handle it. He left feeling more hurt that no one acknowledged him and it really hurt his feelings. Now this weekend his dad is being burried and we have to meet these people again. I'm still upset about his dads wife telling the family not to talk to my fiance but I guess this isnt about that its about paying respects to his dad who he loved very much. I just hate to watch him get and be hurt over and over. Its not my place to say anything. Some of the family did reach out and sent him cards and some pictures and were really sad they didnt talk to him. They had a choice though.

I guess I will just put on a smiling face but doesnt mean I have to talk to them or be nice to them just smile and be polite and just be there for my fiance and his dad that I knew and who was going to be my father in law pay my respects to him and stay out of all the rest of the drama.

greeteachday

I'm late coming in here, but wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and hope things are going as well as can be expected at the services. I'm very sorry for your loss.

This woman sounds like the ultimate challenge to recovery...maintaining serenity while a monster like her does all she can to make you loose it. Prayers that you were able to accept the challenge of getting through the day without loosing it. Hugs

mooselips

Aw Sis,
My heart hurts for you, and yep she sure is crossing your personal boundaries.
I'd really think before you say something to her, because, seriously, I don't think anything can make her a considerate person.


Hugs to you,

Live

Thinking of you today

ConcernedBigSis

Thank you everyone for your replies. Another 2 hours to go before the service and I already feel like I'm falling apart.
I guess I don't need to worry about talking to the funeral director as RAH says no way is his mother sitting with the family. But, he did ask if my mom can sit with us to help keep the kids calm. Now to me that is very sad, my RAH often looks to my mom for support and refuses to go to his own mother for anything.
I will try to avoid her, but I know that's going to be difficult. And as far as saying anything to her... I know it won't make her a more considerate person, that I'm certain will NEVER happen, but I want it known that she cannot speak to my kids in that way. My daughter's only 2 for crying out loud, does she really need to hear stupid crap from her grandmother? She didn't even understand what was being said to her, she just hid her head on my chest. Poor little girl. That's the part that aggravates me the most... treat me how ever you want, but leave my children out of it!

kj0975

How did it go. I will be thinking of u and yours hoping it went as it should have.

Wascally Wabbit

I once had the MIL from hell SHe hated the very thought of me. She treated me rudly and ignored me when ever there were family functions. She always had negative things to say about my boys. She was such an old bat and had so much hatred in her heart. I did not let that stop me from sitting her down and in a very stern way, telling her I did not appreciate the way she treated me, and my children, and from now on, she's not invited to come over! I wanted no part of being mistreated in my own home.
She actually calmed down. Eventually they were invited over. Eventually all of it calmed down.
It's like they refuse to let go of what is no longer theirs.

ConcernedBigSis

AARRRRGHHH.

Well, I didn't snap. I was nice, polite and played right along with her typical phony bullsh*t. It made me absolutely sick to be honest. She of course marched right into the family area just like she belonged there, all giggly and weird. When we lined up to head into the service she stood beside SIL. So I thought all would be well, she'd sit with SIL and her BF and leave me alone. WRONG. She sat right beside me. The woman who for the last week could show absolutely no concern over Dad's death... well she pulled another one of her "feel sorry for me" acts and sobbed throughout most of the service. I mean, heaving pathetic sobs. Even BIL's GF thought it was a little bit over played. We ALL know she didn't care, why play it?
So, last night we all headed up to our yard to fall some more trees and have a campfire. I got talking with BIL's GF and learned some more VERY interesting things. MIL phoned BIL's GF the other day and told him she didn't think that BIL was thinking clearly, blah, blah, blah. The kids should really sell the house, blah, blah, blah. And the best part... She has NO intentions of signing Dad's house over... it's HERS. She told BIL's GF not to tell BIL about the phone call. I'm so furious right now. This woman walked away from that house, Dad, and her kids 12 years ago because it wasn't good enough for her. She caused a LOT of pain, allows her new husband to treat her own children like complete sh*t. If it wasn't good enough for her 12 years ago... why should she keep the kids from having the home they grew up in? The home that their father completely rebuilt with his own two hands? I couldn't sleep last night, all I could do was cry. RAH is doing so well, completely lost over the loss of his Dad... but still staying strong in his recovery. I'm afraid when the sh*t hits the fan with his mom that's all going to go flying out the window. I told him what his mom had said to BIL's GF, I feel they both have the right to know what their mother is trying to pull. I just don't understand how she can try to pull this....
I need to keep my family away from this woman, she's evil, toxic, and just plain disgusting..

rozied

Dear ConcernedBigSis, I don't think I have met you before but I read your post & I am sorry for your loss. I am also sorry your ex MIL treats you like that. Keeping her away from your family sounds like a good idea to me.
I hope & pray your RAH stays strong in his recovery & does not let her get to him.