is it about control?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: reality
Posts: 156
is it about control?
does my abf's addictions infuriate me because I am a spoiled brat who always got my way and I am just angry that he won't do what I say???
Honeslty, I am not opposed to drinking, sure if he actually was one of those guys that went out on a friday, had a couple beers, and then came home, I would be okay with that, if he was one of those people who gets falling down drunk a couple times a year at a party, I could live with that...
but is it just that I want to control him that I get so angry about his drinking (forget about drugs for the moment, we all know no one should be doing those) is it really just that I am self-centered and selfish and want him to behave the way I want him to???
why does this seem like some stupid battle of wills -- I want him to stay with me, to sit on the sofa and watch videos, he wants to go out with me to a bar and have a few drinks, so we end up just clashing and manipulating each other to get our way. sometimes I do, sometimes he does, but more often we go our separate way and are both dissatisfied.
and I worry that what is really going on is just that I am obsessed with this guy, that I have a sick attachment to him, and that I am a spoiled brat just not getting my way so I throw temper tantrums and get angry and tell him how I think he should behave.
I find it so difficult to let go and detach when you are still involved with the person because what they do just keeps effecting you and what you do just keeps effecting them.
and I find it equally difficult to let go and I mean really let go -- to leave him, to break up.
the classic, can't live with him, can't live without him.
shouldn't I be more accepting of another person, especially one I love, shouldn't I be less (if at all) judgmental. I know there is no such thing as unconditional love, but shouldn't I be able to love him in some way that doesn't feel like I am just trying to control him or the relationship or the situation.
Honeslty, I am not opposed to drinking, sure if he actually was one of those guys that went out on a friday, had a couple beers, and then came home, I would be okay with that, if he was one of those people who gets falling down drunk a couple times a year at a party, I could live with that...
but is it just that I want to control him that I get so angry about his drinking (forget about drugs for the moment, we all know no one should be doing those) is it really just that I am self-centered and selfish and want him to behave the way I want him to???
why does this seem like some stupid battle of wills -- I want him to stay with me, to sit on the sofa and watch videos, he wants to go out with me to a bar and have a few drinks, so we end up just clashing and manipulating each other to get our way. sometimes I do, sometimes he does, but more often we go our separate way and are both dissatisfied.
and I worry that what is really going on is just that I am obsessed with this guy, that I have a sick attachment to him, and that I am a spoiled brat just not getting my way so I throw temper tantrums and get angry and tell him how I think he should behave.
I find it so difficult to let go and detach when you are still involved with the person because what they do just keeps effecting you and what you do just keeps effecting them.
and I find it equally difficult to let go and I mean really let go -- to leave him, to break up.
the classic, can't live with him, can't live without him.
shouldn't I be more accepting of another person, especially one I love, shouldn't I be less (if at all) judgmental. I know there is no such thing as unconditional love, but shouldn't I be able to love him in some way that doesn't feel like I am just trying to control him or the relationship or the situation.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Addiction is not a disease that just effects the addict. That is why it is called a family disease. All of the craziness is not limited to the addict. We are as sick as they are. You have to get to a place where you can accept you are powerless over his addiction. Just think how you feel when someone tells you that you should or should not be doing something. Yet we feel we have the right to tell an addict what to do. Have you read "Codependent No More" May be time to reread it. I find I still need to reread certain passages and revisit my powerlessness at times. Hugs, Marle
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((Oneeyeopen))) Yeah, I think MY part in the dance is about control... and I have a problem "seeing". I only see what I want to see... I refuse to see the wreckage of the alcoholism, but insist on "seeing" the potential. The problem with that is setting up unreal expectations...
And nothing brings on a resentment faster than unrealistic expectations.
.. and these problems of mine persist even after the using/drinking ends. Which is why I think I need a program, whether my "qualifier" is drinking/using, or not.
((hugs))
And nothing brings on a resentment faster than unrealistic expectations.
.. and these problems of mine persist even after the using/drinking ends. Which is why I think I need a program, whether my "qualifier" is drinking/using, or not.
((hugs))
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Control can become an obsession. I didn't realize I was a controlling person until addiction brought me to my knees. Once I started understanding my roll in the dance and how I kept trying to control my addicts use, I was able to look at all the ways I try to control others whether addicts or not.
As Marle said, the first step is admitting we are powerless. That's why taking the focus off the addict and onto self is so beneficial.
It doesn't come all at once and it takes lots of practice. I found starting small helped. I would try to bite my tongue when I wanted to say what to do. I learned to say what I wanted once, nicely but with conviction, then walk away. Little steps like that helped me to keep moving forward and to learn to be less controlling.
Hugs...I think I understand how you are feeling...I'm sure most of us have been there!
As Marle said, the first step is admitting we are powerless. That's why taking the focus off the addict and onto self is so beneficial.
It doesn't come all at once and it takes lots of practice. I found starting small helped. I would try to bite my tongue when I wanted to say what to do. I learned to say what I wanted once, nicely but with conviction, then walk away. Little steps like that helped me to keep moving forward and to learn to be less controlling.
Hugs...I think I understand how you are feeling...I'm sure most of us have been there!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Oh...I'm controlling. And like Greet, I never suspected it until addiction hit our family.
We walk a fine line between trying to gain control of our environment (the one that went spinning out of control) and controlling them. We simply CAN'T control another...so how the heck to you control your own life when they're in it?
I have to remind myself every once in a while to back off...get back on track...both with my son and with a lot of others in my life.
Its hard, but brings great rewards.
Prayer for peace and clarity in your life
((((Hugs))))
Cece
We walk a fine line between trying to gain control of our environment (the one that went spinning out of control) and controlling them. We simply CAN'T control another...so how the heck to you control your own life when they're in it?
I have to remind myself every once in a while to back off...get back on track...both with my son and with a lot of others in my life.
Its hard, but brings great rewards.
Prayer for peace and clarity in your life
((((Hugs))))
Cece
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Thebest time during my marriage was when I set the boundary be who your gonna be, but dont be around me under the influence of anything because I dont like the way you act. We went 8 weeks doing our own Friday night things, he chipped in for the family and was only hurting himself. If it wasnt progressive and could ahve lasted, I would ahve been fine with it. For me it was when he stopped keeping his job and did other stupid things that directly effected us, like stealing morgage money or leaving me with no transportation that I had to say enough was enough
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
I'm like u I feel the need to have control and control everything. If I dont get my own way I am not fun to be around. Spoiled brat maybe well thats what my mom says anyway. I think we get so used to no one telling us NO that when we hear it we dont like it and never will. I hate that word I hate being told no. I hate when a plan doesnt go the way I want it to go. Guess what I learned thats life. I guess the world truley doesnt revolve around me and life goes on even when I'm upset. Who knew. The only think I can control in my life is me. I cant control my fiance. The weather. The outcome of situations. I control nothing but me happiness. I would prefer sitting home sometimes and watch a movie. My fiance would like to go out once in a while cause he feels he sits in the house all week staring at the same 4walls and when he doesnt have to work the next day he doesnt want to stare at the walls. I have gone out with him when I didnt want to but for what so I can sit there and be miserable. For what he still had fun hes not leaving when I want to I cant control what he does. Now when I want to leave I leave. I dont sit and wait for him to finish his drink I just say I'm leaving if u want a ride home u can leave now. If not dont call me for a ride. I have made him walk home. I can control if I choose to get out of bed to pick him up or not.
I wish I had some words of wisdom for u but I'm like u and I am still learning to let things go and that I cant control the outcome of things nor the universe. I am getting used to hearing the word NO (still dont like it) and learning to let things go and not ruin MY day. You cant control him u cant make him do anything he doesnt want to do and if he does do something that u want him to do (like leave the bar) he will expect to be praised for doing it like he did it for U. NO he did it because he wanted to or he was broke it had or has nothing to do with my happiness and I refuse to praise him for doing the right thing. It takes time to give up control and it takes longer to accept u cant control certain things. I'm getting there slowly only 32yrs of learning thats all.
I wish I had some words of wisdom for u but I'm like u and I am still learning to let things go and that I cant control the outcome of things nor the universe. I am getting used to hearing the word NO (still dont like it) and learning to let things go and not ruin MY day. You cant control him u cant make him do anything he doesnt want to do and if he does do something that u want him to do (like leave the bar) he will expect to be praised for doing it like he did it for U. NO he did it because he wanted to or he was broke it had or has nothing to do with my happiness and I refuse to praise him for doing the right thing. It takes time to give up control and it takes longer to accept u cant control certain things. I'm getting there slowly only 32yrs of learning thats all.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
I have had to come to the realization that I am controlling, too. Not a pleasant thing to learn about one's self by any means.
For me, and I think for a lot of spouses, control issues came about by necessity in the beginning because of the unpredictable and completely insane lives that we found ourselves in. For me, years ago, I had small children and if I didn't take care of the home and the business and the kids and on and on and on, then nothing got taken care of at all.
As the years went by, though, I turned into someone that I did not like. I resented having to do everything and be everything. I resented that my ex lived like a teenager with no responsibilities, and I became angry and bitter and hyper-critical. I resented that he just refused to turn into what I wanted him to be...
As a parent, I found myself in chronic rescue mode. My grown boys are now having to learn how to deal with their father and even with each other without me always being in the middle. That has been the hardest thing for me to let go of, the need to protect them from him. I think my oldest son was actually rather angry at me about that for a while, until he learned to set his own boundaries with his dad and insist that they be honored.
We are all learning this recovery thing one step at a time-all of us except my ex who of course doesn't have a drug problem and doesn't need to work on himself at all..............
For me, and I think for a lot of spouses, control issues came about by necessity in the beginning because of the unpredictable and completely insane lives that we found ourselves in. For me, years ago, I had small children and if I didn't take care of the home and the business and the kids and on and on and on, then nothing got taken care of at all.
As the years went by, though, I turned into someone that I did not like. I resented having to do everything and be everything. I resented that my ex lived like a teenager with no responsibilities, and I became angry and bitter and hyper-critical. I resented that he just refused to turn into what I wanted him to be...
As a parent, I found myself in chronic rescue mode. My grown boys are now having to learn how to deal with their father and even with each other without me always being in the middle. That has been the hardest thing for me to let go of, the need to protect them from him. I think my oldest son was actually rather angry at me about that for a while, until he learned to set his own boundaries with his dad and insist that they be honored.
We are all learning this recovery thing one step at a time-all of us except my ex who of course doesn't have a drug problem and doesn't need to work on himself at all..............
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: *****************
Posts: 46
It is all about control..........our desire to have it, their delusion that they do have it and the battle none of us win. I doubt you are a brat........we want control to protect them and ourselves. We only have control over ourselves though. The addicts don't want or need our protection.
I too would be fine with a "normal" guy who had a few drinks every now and then. I miss going out for wings and a pitcher of beer with friends.
I too would be fine with a "normal" guy who had a few drinks every now and then. I miss going out for wings and a pitcher of beer with friends.
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