Afraid to speak our truth...
To Life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Afraid to speak our truth...
Marle's post, This may be controversial, got me to thinking.
We are a bunch of strangers who know each other only though the digital means, with few exceptions.
So, why is it that we are sometimes, (often?), afraid to speak our truth?
I mean the PURPOSE of an anonymous message board is just so that we CAN tell our truth! Yet our pride can often get in the way. But, why? We don't KNOW the other people. They cannot hurt us in any meaningful way. The only hurt can come through our pride. Maintaining our humility is difficult, but, sure does help the healing process.
And, besides which, only the truth will set us free.
Anyway, just a thought I had reading her post.
And knowing that there's been times I feel the same way.
Pride sure can suck!
Shalom!
We are a bunch of strangers who know each other only though the digital means, with few exceptions.
So, why is it that we are sometimes, (often?), afraid to speak our truth?
I mean the PURPOSE of an anonymous message board is just so that we CAN tell our truth! Yet our pride can often get in the way. But, why? We don't KNOW the other people. They cannot hurt us in any meaningful way. The only hurt can come through our pride. Maintaining our humility is difficult, but, sure does help the healing process.
And, besides which, only the truth will set us free.
Anyway, just a thought I had reading her post.
And knowing that there's been times I feel the same way.
Pride sure can suck!
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Teach, Even though I have never met anyone on this board, I respect everyone's opinion. I know that what another person thinks of me is none of my business but I still have that codie need to be liked. I remember when we had that meltdown on the boards and I got a message saying I had been banned for life. I felt so terrible. If a member posts an "I am leaving" thread I start to wonder what it is that I said to make them leave. Anyway just my thoughts. Also sometimes what we feel is so shameful to us that it is hard to put it out there. Hugs, Marle
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i sorta agree with marle, a lot of the time my fear comes out of my insecurities, that i'm so desperately trying to work through. pride seem to have basically gone out the door long ago, by the looks of things. i'm a sucker for a hearting heart so i do have to be careful how i say things at times. i do believe that its not always what you say, its how you say it.
To Life!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Caileesnana,
There is no talk of being banned here.
I'm talking about how our pride will often interfer with us talking about what we're thinking and feeling. Which, to me, is kinda silly, (when we REALLY think about it), cuz, it's an anonymous board! LOL!
Having said that, please know, I've had to swallow my pride more than once here.
Nothing to do with being banned. Feel free to speak out about that which you need.
Shalom!
There is no talk of being banned here.
I'm talking about how our pride will often interfer with us talking about what we're thinking and feeling. Which, to me, is kinda silly, (when we REALLY think about it), cuz, it's an anonymous board! LOL!
Having said that, please know, I've had to swallow my pride more than once here.
Nothing to do with being banned. Feel free to speak out about that which you need.
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
It was a fluke, everyone was banned. The system had shut down and it took a while for it to be back up and running. I am sorry to have confused you. Teach knew what I was talking about. I forgot that people that were not here at the time would not know what happened. Marle
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 333
cailee - I got banned that day or days too. I actually thought that I was truely banned as I had upset someone on this open forum, that was not the case. We are all learning together and our personalities dont always meld together perfectly and that is just life. I feel within reason you can speak your mind here at SR as long as you try or do respect the feelings of others. There are many wise people here who can and do evaluate each situation according to the circumstances behind them.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
Originally Posted by teke 
i sorta agree with marle, a lot of the time my fear comes out of my insecurities, that i'm so desperately trying to work through. pride seem to have basically gone out the door long ago, by the looks of things. i'm a sucker for a hearting heart so i do have to be careful how i say things at times. i do believe that its not always what you say, its how you say it.
i guess i was banned that day too, i just didn't have sense enough to know, so i freaked out and kept right on posting. lol
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
for me - although here is where I feel most comfortable lettting out those dark thoughtd and confessions, I have a number of personal issues with describing/confessing them (all mine I know, nowt to do with the reception of people here which has been warm far beyond my expectations)
1) my need to be a "good" girl - following the programme, being further along than I am, people pleasing generally - not really pride (I don't think) more fear.
2) if i put my thoughts out somewhere, even somewhere as safe and non-judgemental as this - it makes it real -I have to own them and deal with them in some way - and sometimes I'm not ready to turn that mirror on myself, the light seems too harsh and I'm not ready.
having said that - when I have, it has always been a positive thing - maybe not immediately, but it starts something.
1) my need to be a "good" girl - following the programme, being further along than I am, people pleasing generally - not really pride (I don't think) more fear.
2) if i put my thoughts out somewhere, even somewhere as safe and non-judgemental as this - it makes it real -I have to own them and deal with them in some way - and sometimes I'm not ready to turn that mirror on myself, the light seems too harsh and I'm not ready.
having said that - when I have, it has always been a positive thing - maybe not immediately, but it starts something.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Sometimes I hesitate to say things I want to say, I really don't know why.
Maybe it's the "inner" codie wanting to be agreeable?
Heavens sake, we should all drop that concept, and say what we want to say.
We might learn something....
I promise, I won't love anyone any less
Maybe it's the "inner" codie wanting to be agreeable?
Heavens sake, we should all drop that concept, and say what we want to say.
We might learn something....
I promise, I won't love anyone any less
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I am going to flip the coin over, I don't post much now, as ex-abf is gone, forever. I
have the people on this board and meetings to thank for that, it was my decision, but, I was given the tools to make the right decision for me. I respond to others posts (only on occasion now) and here is why:
******************************
I can understand where everyone is coming from. More often than not, I have to temper my responses, and even with doing that, I still get in hot water.
I have accepted that many people just come here to vent and have no intention of giving up their ways, they just want to have someone to whine to. That is fine with me. I just stop responding and let them whine away.
We can only offer support and our wisdom, that's it. It is their problem to resolve, and all the words we write are not going to change a thing unless they truly want to change their life, their circumstances.
When I first came here several years ago, I was looking for answers, for me, not my ex-abf, I knew I was in trouble and sought advice and took the advice to heart. If it were not for the honesty of the responses I would not be where I am today. I wanted to get better and I did. I read every word, I respected their wisdom, and I
moved forward.
To me, this board has changed, there are some who still speak up, but, most just tip toe around the issue. Maybe it is a good change, I don't know, I just know, for me, I wanted to hear the truth, as painful as it was...my feelings never got hurt, I was never upset at a response...why? Beacuse, I was here to learn how to get me on the the right tract, not my ex-abf, he was on his own in that area.
I am thankful that I joined this board when I did, the people here gave me what I was searching for, answers.
The codie in me, wants to save the world at large,I finally have accepted this is not a doable goal, the only doable goal is for me to save me, and, that I am working on, one step at a time.
It may not sound like it, but this is a tempered response. Loh, I am still learning in that area, give me time folks, I too, may become cookie cutter, Yah think? Nah.
have the people on this board and meetings to thank for that, it was my decision, but, I was given the tools to make the right decision for me. I respond to others posts (only on occasion now) and here is why:
******************************
I can understand where everyone is coming from. More often than not, I have to temper my responses, and even with doing that, I still get in hot water.
I have accepted that many people just come here to vent and have no intention of giving up their ways, they just want to have someone to whine to. That is fine with me. I just stop responding and let them whine away.
We can only offer support and our wisdom, that's it. It is their problem to resolve, and all the words we write are not going to change a thing unless they truly want to change their life, their circumstances.
When I first came here several years ago, I was looking for answers, for me, not my ex-abf, I knew I was in trouble and sought advice and took the advice to heart. If it were not for the honesty of the responses I would not be where I am today. I wanted to get better and I did. I read every word, I respected their wisdom, and I
moved forward.
To me, this board has changed, there are some who still speak up, but, most just tip toe around the issue. Maybe it is a good change, I don't know, I just know, for me, I wanted to hear the truth, as painful as it was...my feelings never got hurt, I was never upset at a response...why? Beacuse, I was here to learn how to get me on the the right tract, not my ex-abf, he was on his own in that area.
I am thankful that I joined this board when I did, the people here gave me what I was searching for, answers.
The codie in me, wants to save the world at large,I finally have accepted this is not a doable goal, the only doable goal is for me to save me, and, that I am working on, one step at a time.
It may not sound like it, but this is a tempered response. Loh, I am still learning in that area, give me time folks, I too, may become cookie cutter, Yah think? Nah.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Yep... it really is all about me... (grin)
I want you to like me. I care about your opinion. I get positive strokes when I please others.
Teach makes a good point. It should be ok for me to come here and be as open and honest as I am in meetings. They've seen my dark side... my pain... my fears. They love me anyway. I learned through experience I can trust my face to face meeting folks - even the newcomers, mostly because I trust that the oldtimers will model that acceptance for them.
We have some excellent members here, who DO model that acceptance and unconditional love.
What we have to remember is the written word is "static". How many of us have read a hurtful post, and then gone back and read it again and again and....
Things we post can have greater impact BECAUSE we do that "rereading" thing. It can increase the perceived impact of the words. And wouldn't you know, I don't do that with the positive posts.... in fact, sometimes I just hurry by them and brush them off mentally (as I have done with in-person compliments) because some part of me does not BELIEVE you when you compliment me.
We are complex creatures, but I think we are more alike than different. Marle posted her fear of ... not being good enough? ... no being loved? ...no being accepted? And most of us could identify with that feeling. (Thank you, Marle, for your honesty and courage... I appreciate that). She didn't have to explain very much about that part - we "got" it. ((hugs))
I think I could post most "honestly" when I first got here and hadn't developed conversations with folks here. You really were strangers to me then... but back then *I* was a stranger to me, too.
Today, I temper my words (I know - you wouldn't believe by the way I post some days, but it's the truth!)... more than I would have in the beginning. I do that because I do care about folks here, and I fear coming on SO strong that someone might back away and not find the help I've found here over the years. I don't ever want to take this place away from anyone truly seeking help.
I have discovered I have a pretty great life today. But I haven't forgotten how much pain I was in when I arrived. I see it in some of you when you first get here... and I want SO MUCH for that to be eased. What I have to remember is that emotional learning takes emotional experiences. Those are hard to watch, sometimes.
Ok, enough rambling from me.... ((hugs))
I want you to like me. I care about your opinion. I get positive strokes when I please others.
Teach makes a good point. It should be ok for me to come here and be as open and honest as I am in meetings. They've seen my dark side... my pain... my fears. They love me anyway. I learned through experience I can trust my face to face meeting folks - even the newcomers, mostly because I trust that the oldtimers will model that acceptance for them.
We have some excellent members here, who DO model that acceptance and unconditional love.
What we have to remember is the written word is "static". How many of us have read a hurtful post, and then gone back and read it again and again and....
Things we post can have greater impact BECAUSE we do that "rereading" thing. It can increase the perceived impact of the words. And wouldn't you know, I don't do that with the positive posts.... in fact, sometimes I just hurry by them and brush them off mentally (as I have done with in-person compliments) because some part of me does not BELIEVE you when you compliment me.
We are complex creatures, but I think we are more alike than different. Marle posted her fear of ... not being good enough? ... no being loved? ...no being accepted? And most of us could identify with that feeling. (Thank you, Marle, for your honesty and courage... I appreciate that). She didn't have to explain very much about that part - we "got" it. ((hugs))
I think I could post most "honestly" when I first got here and hadn't developed conversations with folks here. You really were strangers to me then... but back then *I* was a stranger to me, too.
Today, I temper my words (I know - you wouldn't believe by the way I post some days, but it's the truth!)... more than I would have in the beginning. I do that because I do care about folks here, and I fear coming on SO strong that someone might back away and not find the help I've found here over the years. I don't ever want to take this place away from anyone truly seeking help.
I have discovered I have a pretty great life today. But I haven't forgotten how much pain I was in when I arrived. I see it in some of you when you first get here... and I want SO MUCH for that to be eased. What I have to remember is that emotional learning takes emotional experiences. Those are hard to watch, sometimes.
Ok, enough rambling from me.... ((hugs))
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
My truth is that I am sick of my "stuff". I have a few methods that keep me sane and keep me out of my stuff. I am happy to share my methods with the hope that it could be modified to suit someone else's situation which is why I come here.
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
Teach, thanks for this thread it's a touchy subject and to be honest hard for me to respond to. But heck we are talking about the truth and I'll be honest here as best as I can be. I hardly make new threads about myself there are a few reasons why and I will try to touch on them without coming out the wrong way. I have been part of this site for a few years and at times this is the place that I felt I could come to for understanding, nonjudgemental opinions, and a place to let it all out.
This place was my salvation where I could say anything and everything but it has changed. The flavor of the board changed like someone else said maybe its a good thing or maybe not.
Yes I am in a relationship with an addict, is my relationship good hardly, do we have good moments yes and bad ones yes as well. The last few times I did make a thread about what was happening which was a few months ago to be honest I just got turned off. It seems that some people believe since they were able to walk away from a relationship and start their new life that it would be simple for me. But my boyfriend is not in jail he is right here in front of me if he was in jail maybe I could just walk away from him, he does not steal from me.... never did, never disapeared for days on end, never laid a hand on me, never took money from my pockets, wallet or coat... without asking. They say when the pain of them being around us hurts us more than not being with us thats when we had enough. I am not saying I stay in this just because he doesnt do those things but he has not brought me to the enough point. But some people feel they can impose whats enough for us, or take on my invetory when they have their own to work on. At time when I would be volunerable and share here at times it felt like a slap in the face. Maybe the truth hurts or maybe for a while I felt like this was a safe place for me and it does not feel like that anymore.
I also notice that many people, oldtimers I mean have went on with their lives and they really had set the mood and compassion for this site and it was sad to see them go.
Teach, thats why I dont speak the whole truth here anymore but on occasion. I am battling things on my own trying to figure things out. I dont allow my A to rule the way I feel or what I do. I continue to take care of myself, kids and my home. There was a time when I could barely take care of myself. I dont know if all of this is what you were looking for but regardless thank you for letting me share what I have been feeling for a long time.
Thanks,
Jewel
This place was my salvation where I could say anything and everything but it has changed. The flavor of the board changed like someone else said maybe its a good thing or maybe not.
Yes I am in a relationship with an addict, is my relationship good hardly, do we have good moments yes and bad ones yes as well. The last few times I did make a thread about what was happening which was a few months ago to be honest I just got turned off. It seems that some people believe since they were able to walk away from a relationship and start their new life that it would be simple for me. But my boyfriend is not in jail he is right here in front of me if he was in jail maybe I could just walk away from him, he does not steal from me.... never did, never disapeared for days on end, never laid a hand on me, never took money from my pockets, wallet or coat... without asking. They say when the pain of them being around us hurts us more than not being with us thats when we had enough. I am not saying I stay in this just because he doesnt do those things but he has not brought me to the enough point. But some people feel they can impose whats enough for us, or take on my invetory when they have their own to work on. At time when I would be volunerable and share here at times it felt like a slap in the face. Maybe the truth hurts or maybe for a while I felt like this was a safe place for me and it does not feel like that anymore.
I also notice that many people, oldtimers I mean have went on with their lives and they really had set the mood and compassion for this site and it was sad to see them go.
Teach, thats why I dont speak the whole truth here anymore but on occasion. I am battling things on my own trying to figure things out. I dont allow my A to rule the way I feel or what I do. I continue to take care of myself, kids and my home. There was a time when I could barely take care of myself. I dont know if all of this is what you were looking for but regardless thank you for letting me share what I have been feeling for a long time.
Thanks,
Jewel
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Just for a mental pic...can you imagine what banning a bunch of codies did during the malfunction?
As far as the subject, I temper my responses quite often. Its just my nature here...but oddly not in my professional or personal life.
There have been times I've wanted to "keep it real" or give the "truth", but the real truth is that my reality may not be that of someone else. Heck, if there were a do and don't handbook this would be so much easier!
I don't often post deep thoughts about me...maybe becasue I don't have them lol...or maybe because I'm still working through them and I'm just not ready to put it out there.
Also, I've often thought twice thinking that I could just be betraying the confidence and privacy of my loved one...something I never want to do.
Regardless of how careful we are, this is a public forum.
With that said (gently I hope
) I also think that the more direct resposes are valuable, and healthy. Sometimes its through argument and the like that I learn the most. No better way to get to the bottom of how you feel than to be foreced to defend it.
And occassionaly, just every os often, I MIGHT bend my way of thinking...just a bit
Thanks Teach...good thread
Cece
As far as the subject, I temper my responses quite often. Its just my nature here...but oddly not in my professional or personal life.
There have been times I've wanted to "keep it real" or give the "truth", but the real truth is that my reality may not be that of someone else. Heck, if there were a do and don't handbook this would be so much easier!
I don't often post deep thoughts about me...maybe becasue I don't have them lol...or maybe because I'm still working through them and I'm just not ready to put it out there.
Also, I've often thought twice thinking that I could just be betraying the confidence and privacy of my loved one...something I never want to do.
Regardless of how careful we are, this is a public forum.
With that said (gently I hope
) I also think that the more direct resposes are valuable, and healthy. Sometimes its through argument and the like that I learn the most. No better way to get to the bottom of how you feel than to be foreced to defend it.And occassionaly, just every os often, I MIGHT bend my way of thinking...just a bit
Thanks Teach...good thread
Cece
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Teach and others -
I can just simply say that I second Jewelz's words and sentiments. I no longer feel comfortable starting a thread or really sharing my truth. It always seems to create a controversy and that is never intended. I struggle with what to do about the situation. It makes me sad but I also believe that everything is as it should be. I do take what I need and leave the rest. I just don't bring much to the table anymore and I feel truly hesitant to speak my truth.
This is a good thread and I'm glad that it was posted. I was feeling like I was all alone in this developing feeling and now I can see that I am not.
Hugs to all....Donna
I can just simply say that I second Jewelz's words and sentiments. I no longer feel comfortable starting a thread or really sharing my truth. It always seems to create a controversy and that is never intended. I struggle with what to do about the situation. It makes me sad but I also believe that everything is as it should be. I do take what I need and leave the rest. I just don't bring much to the table anymore and I feel truly hesitant to speak my truth.
This is a good thread and I'm glad that it was posted. I was feeling like I was all alone in this developing feeling and now I can see that I am not.
Hugs to all....Donna
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
This is a good thread...As I read through the responses, I sense two different things...One, that many of us don't open up completely for fear of being judged and hurt by some responses, and the other, that somehow there is a perception by some on the forum that the truth is related to telling the poster what to do rather than sharing experience. I do cringe when I read responses that seem to be attempts to force "the right way" onto someone. I also cringe when someone posts opening his or her heart and gets one or more rather caustic responses telling the person what to do and perhaps implying he or she is rather stupid not to have taken other actions. There are many ways to relay truth and experience without sounding cruel or judgemental. Candid doesn't have to equate to sharp. At the same time I also think that being gentle doesn't necessarily mean one is sugar coating anything. We all have our personalities and I think as we get to know each other, we appreciate those differences more and more.
I think members who stay and who also work on recovery, regardless of how, "get" that moreso than those who post just to vent or who are new to the idea.
And because I know that we all still have some codie in us, let me also say that I do not think that any person who has posted on this thread is "guilty" of the cruel or caustic responses. You are all people whose posts I seek out because I learn and grow from what you share regardless of the topic!
Much of what I struggle with these days is not specific to addiction, although I use the tools of my program to deal with it. But at the same time, I confess that I don't have the same unconditional trust here that I used to have. Is it because the forum has changed or is it because I have changed? I'm not sure. Perhaps I hurt so much before that I didn't really think about whether i could trust when I opened my heart here. Now that I am in a better place, maybe I think too much.
Thank you Teach for this post and to everyone who responded so honestly. Hugs
I think members who stay and who also work on recovery, regardless of how, "get" that moreso than those who post just to vent or who are new to the idea.
And because I know that we all still have some codie in us, let me also say that I do not think that any person who has posted on this thread is "guilty" of the cruel or caustic responses. You are all people whose posts I seek out because I learn and grow from what you share regardless of the topic!
Much of what I struggle with these days is not specific to addiction, although I use the tools of my program to deal with it. But at the same time, I confess that I don't have the same unconditional trust here that I used to have. Is it because the forum has changed or is it because I have changed? I'm not sure. Perhaps I hurt so much before that I didn't really think about whether i could trust when I opened my heart here. Now that I am in a better place, maybe I think too much.
Thank you Teach for this post and to everyone who responded so honestly. Hugs
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