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Old 05-20-2007, 10:24 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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(((Marle))))

I had those thoughts... something along the lines of "oh, God, please can't we hurry this up... I don't think I can see it through to the end." Most of us who have gone through incredible pain - those of us with abusive spouses, addicted children or sick parents have had those thoughts. I believe it is a "normal" reaction to the pain. Please don't beat yourself up about them.

A couple of things happened about then - I hit MY bottom. I made a plan, said some good byes and went someplace to write a note. You've probably seen this story here before - the piece of paper I pulled out was my Alanon newcomer packet with the phone list on the front. I called a number and heard what I needed to hear.

That was the beginning of my Alanon program... the real beginning.

The other thing was I gave up my kid to a Higher Power. In MY mind, He was not "waiting" for her, but walking with her, guiding her when He could, and allowing BOTH of us the dignity to learn from our mistakes... He is the Ultimate Parent.

At meetings, they told me to visualize my child wrapped up in a safe, warm blanket and being lifted up by God. I did that visualization over and over and over.... it helped.

My prayers changed. I began to pray to be in God's will... as opposed to praying for my kids' safety and mine. I prayed to have the strength and clarity to understand and apply the lessons. I still pray that way.

I did not know the timing
Most importantly, I did not know the day before my kid got sober, that was her last time out. She had just returned from rehab, and it was like ALL the other times... she was OFF and running. Except, this time, she came back. She got sober and (so far) she has stayed that way.

But the day before she came back... I did NOT know. I thought this was the end. I thought this was my forever.

Today, if I get thoughts like that about my son, or even my daughter, I KNOW that open AA meetings and AA speaker tapes can give me hope. They remind me, over and over again, that folks find recovery when they and we least expect it.

We can't predict the future. Thank God.
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Old 05-20-2007, 10:29 AM
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frankieb, I agree that my feelings are totally selfish. Most of the time I am okay with my feelings, but I have my days of those agonizing feelings. Where I just want something to happen even if it is bad. So yes, I do believe that it is my selfishness, but I so badly want my daughter to have a good life and I firmly believe that it won't be of my making. I am impatient. A character fault that I am trying to work on. Thanks, Marle
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Old 05-20-2007, 10:33 AM
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BigSis, I agree with you totally and most of the time I am okay with waiting. It is just that I have my days when I feel something needs to happen and happen now and that is when I get those negative thoughts. Meetings are not a possibility for me as the nearest is on a Sunday night at 7:30 80 miles away. I have thought about starting a group in my area. I am sure there is a need. But posting my thoughts here, sharing with others and just reading, reading, reading makes such a huge difference in my life. Things that I don't have a group to share with, I can share with you all. I feel this place is like a meeting because I always take away such good things. Hugs, Marle
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Old 05-20-2007, 10:34 AM
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Originally Posted by caileesnana View Post
The bible talks of the devil being loose on the world. I believe too that drugs are of the devil and his best plan yet to corrupt those he can.

My daughter also grew up in church, knows the bible, yet was stupid enought to try drugs, first one then the other. That makes me think she is trying to escape from something "self medicate". My question is while in rehab, why dont they get to the core issues instead of focusing on what they have done to their brain? I know they need both, but w/o working on the issues that got them to the point of drugs, they will go back again and again. I've seen for 6 years. I've also looked "the beast" face to face. Only my faith has kept me sane!

God bless all you moms
susan
Do you really think she is stupid? or perhaps she made a few bad choices?

I'm not being sarcastic at all, you have the right to believe and think whatever
you want, I'm just asking.
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Old 05-20-2007, 10:38 AM
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(((Marle)))
Doesn't it feel better to let it go?
Isn't it nice to know that you're not the only one who's felt the exact same way? Yes, me too...
You said:
...but I so badly want my daughter to have a good life ...
Visualize it. Pray for it. And give it to G*D.
You're not selfish, Marle, you're human.

Shalom!
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Old 05-20-2007, 10:44 AM
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Originally Posted by marle View Post
and only reflects my views but I have been thinking a lot on this subject lately. We say that the addict lives in darkness. We talk about them finding the light and us too. A HP can restore us to sanity. That our HP is there waiting for us to seek the light. So is the other side "the devil". I believe that addiction is the devil on earth. Addiction is living in hell, losing your soul. The addict talks about the "hole in their soul" that needs to be filled with something and that something is a drug that steals what is left of their soul. Would welcome others opinions on this. Seeing the life my daughter is willing to live and the things she is willing to do to get her drug, I have to think that there is evil there somewhere. Marle

ps. I almost didn't post this because I hate to make reference to the devil. And I do believe that addicts are sick. I know that science has shown this. But if a HP can restore them to sanity, then is not the insanity caused by evil to begin with. I also believe that when I start to hate the addict I am buying into evil thinking too. Don't know but would be interested to hear others opinions.

I pretty much agree with this. I wasn't in church to much when I was little, I was back and forth to much I guess or I'm not sure why we stopped going.
I remember hearing a lot of talk about God and the Devil when I was younger,
and it completely reminds me of drugs. I don't know if you remember my
thread, Eve and her apple, but that's why I titled that, I had just found another bag of meth that day.....
Towards the end of my meth use,
The way I began to think... luckily there was enough of me to realize that it was
not right, and it scared me, the thoughts that were just popping in my head.
Those were things that just "Were Not Me"... That was a huge part of what gave me the courage and the motivation to just quit... Those thoughts scared me.
Were they the devil and God at work? or just my brain? I've often wondered that.
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Old 05-20-2007, 10:45 AM
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Done, I would say that my daughter was stupid and by that I mean I spent a lot of time when she was young cautioning her against drugs. She knew that addiction ran in both sides of our family. She was not naive about it. In high school she saw her classmates and best friend succumb to addiction and was even in love with an addict. Could not understand how he could pick drugs over her. Lots of discussions about the dangers. Yet when she was hurting she chose to try drugs although she had other options--antidepressants and counselling. So maybe stupid is not the right word but it was not a very intelligent choice that my daughter made. Bad choice, wrong choice, curious choice,stupid choice, really makes no difference. The end result was the same, addiction. She had the addict gene. If she hadn't then she could have been called a normal curious teen who experimented, partied and had fun. Instead she is an addict. Hugs, Marle
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Old 05-20-2007, 10:46 AM
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Originally Posted by marle View Post
frankieb, I agree that my feelings are totally selfish. Most of the time I am okay with my feelings, but I have my days of those agonizing feelings. Where I just want something to happen even if it is bad. So yes, I do believe that it is my selfishness, but I so badly want my daughter to have a good life and I firmly believe that it won't be of my making. I am impatient. A character fault that I am trying to work on. Thanks, Marle
Wanting your daughter to have a good life, isn't a character flaw, anyone would
be impatient about that...
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Old 05-20-2007, 10:47 AM
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I lost my thank-you button so I want to say thanks to you Teach. Yes it does feel better to verbalize the dark thoughts. Made me cry and realize that I want my daughter to live. Thanks to you too Done. You always add so much to the discussion. Hugs, marle
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Old 05-20-2007, 10:48 AM
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Originally Posted by marle View Post
Done, I would say that my daughter was stupid and by that I mean I spent a lot of time when she was young cautioning her against drugs. She knew that addiction ran in both sides of our family. She was not naive about it. In high school she saw her classmates and best friend succumb to addiction and was even in love with an addict. Could not understand how he could pick drugs over her. Lots of discussions about the dangers. Yet when she was hurting she chose to try drugs although she had other options--antidepressants and counselling. So maybe stupid is not the right word but it was not a very intelligent choice that my daughter made. Bad choice, wrong choice, curious choice,stupid choice, really makes no difference. The end result was the same, addiction. She had the addict gene. If she hadn't then she could have been called a normal curious teen who experimented, partied and had fun. Instead she is an addict. Hugs, Marle
Makes sense... Was just wondering. Sometimes, I guess bad choice and stupid can wind up meaning the same thing, eh.. lol
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Old 05-20-2007, 10:51 AM
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Originally Posted by marle View Post
I lost my thank-you button so I want to say thanks to you Teach. Yes it does feel better to verbalize the dark thoughts. Made me cry and realize that I want my daughter to live. Thanks to you too Done. You always add so much to the discussion. Hugs, marle
Yerwelcome.

Try refreshing your screen, that's how I bring my Thank You button back when it's missing..
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Old 05-20-2007, 10:51 AM
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Marle, I blieve my HP has perfect timing. It sure isn't my timing cuz I like u want my son clean & sober yesterday. I feel we have all suffered enough from his addiction, but I know if he gets clean in my timing it won't last. My HP has a plan for his life. He could have bought it 100 times over from the drug & the lifestyle he is living.
So I wait. Now I have chosen to stop any relationship with my son until he is clean, sober, and working a program. He may not have had enough but I did. As Ann has said " I cannot go to that dark place anymore " So I have given him totally to his HP, & pray everyday for his recovery & for his HP to keep him safe. It is the only way I can deal with it now & keep my sanity. It is very sad as she is your only child. It does make it a bit easier for me as I have another son who is a single dad & this keeps me very busy so I don't have as much time to dwell on it.
I will keep your daughter & your family in my prayers as I do all the families & addicts I meet here.
Love,
Diane
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Old 05-20-2007, 10:55 AM
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Rozied, Thanks. I don't want to see that dark place up close that is why I stay away from my AD too. But there are times when I revisit it in my thoughts. That is what I am working on now. Prayers for your son too. Hugs, Marle
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Old 05-20-2007, 11:02 AM
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My thought may have been selfish but I am not and you are not. I so understand how you will always want the best for your daughter. I pray and hope for the same for my AS.
We are loving Moms. (((( Marle ))))
Patience? Heck sometimes I want it NOW. LOL. All good human stuff.

Last edited by frankie_b; 05-20-2007 at 11:24 AM.
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Old 05-20-2007, 11:05 AM
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marle,

The thoughts of wanting them dead or thinking they would be better off dead has been discussed in threads here before. It is not an uncommon thought.

I don't think we really want them dead, but we are trying to escape being trapped between a rock and a hard place. They seem trapped and we seem trapped in this horrible, evil cycle of addiction that steals our loved ones and steals our lives.
I even had a recovering alcoholic tell me once that I should totally let my son go and if he dies he dies. It would be better for me than reliving his possible death over and over again and going through that pain continuously.

At times like these I try to seek faith to know that the escape doesn't have to involve death although there is that possibility. I believe my HP has the key to the prison my son and I seem to be in. When things get this bad it is the hardest time to find faith. I have seen my HP kick in when things were as hopeless as they can be.

I have another circumstance with my 13 year old grandson. He has chronic daily migraines and has been disabled by them for 7 years. There are times when I just cry and think that he would be better off dead so he wouldn't have to suffer so much. Again I have to seek the faith to know there is a plan and purpose for what seems to be total evil and torment. If I ask and it's not removed then I have to believe that it is meant to be and believe that there is a power greater than I am that is in control of all circumstances.

I do not have the power to give them health. I do not have the power to keep them alive. I don't even have the power to get myself through all of this. One day at a time is the most I can handle. No past and no future. What can I do for myself and others today? What is in front of me today. Is there anything I can do to help or do I need to let go and have faith?

These are the very hardest circumstances to overcome. A month ago my grandson was so suicidal he couldn't get out of bed. At the same time my son was close to death with his drugs and alcohol. Today my son is in rehab and sober. My grandson started an anti-depressant and is coping well again.

One day at a time.

Hugs to all,
MG
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Old 05-20-2007, 11:12 AM
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Marle...

MG, Thanks for sharing. I agree, it's a release from all the pain - theirs and ours - that is underlying that thought. And it's only human to want that release.

Shalom!
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Old 05-20-2007, 11:12 AM
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MG, Thanks, I do believe that I only make it through this one day at a time. Today is just a bad day. But it is getting better thanks to all of you. Hugs and prayers for you, your son, and your grandson. Marle
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Old 05-20-2007, 11:12 AM
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I don't really see it that way. I mean I have a nephew who was adopted. He has had health issues, 1 kidney, fetal alcohol syndrome major abuse both mentally & sexually before my sister in law took him in at age 7. He is now 15. He is an absolute handfull. He is more apt to do drugs or have violent outburst b/c of the fetal alcohol syndrome. A very high percentage of these kids end up in jail ect. Now I wouldn't say he is evil. He has many health issues, both physical & mental.
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Old 05-20-2007, 11:15 AM
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Helpus, I do not see my daughter as evil, I see the addiction as evil. Your Nephew did not cause his problems. It was not something that he did to himself. Same with anyone who has a mental illness. I know addiction is a mental illness but it has a human cause. And a human solution. Hugs, Marle
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Old 05-20-2007, 11:27 AM
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I have days when I totally fall apart and just wish life was over. It takes me weeks sometimes to get back on my feet. Sometimes I can't even move out of the chair. Sometimes I have to come and borrow strength and hope from others. I don't think there will be a time when I am a rock of strength. I can forget all I've learned in a minute and have to find it all again. That too is daily work for me and I get very tired. There are times when I want to jump in and rescue just to make it easier on me for a short time. I come here to get reminders why that might not be a good choice. I have many bad days.
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