Please remind me that I'm doing the right thing
 

Last night I spent the night at my parents. They came and picked me up and the kids. AH wasn't happy about it but was surprising calm. And yet tonight I come home and it's like it never happened. He's still behaving exactly the same way as the reason I left. How do you get over the hurt that someone cares so little about you. Someone that claims to love you? How do you forgive yourself for being so stupid about everything? How do I make myself leave forever and not look back?

sorry you are hurting, i'm really glad you posted this question and will be checking back to see the responses you get. i'm still praying for ya

I'm sorry Paprika, I have no words of wisdom as I still am in your exact position 3 month's later. But what I can say is that I know what your going through. Know that every day you get a little stronger.

(((hugs)))

I'm sorry you are in such pain. You aren't stupid...you are doing the best you can. Recovery takes time and is filled with baby steps. You left when things were bad...it doesn't have to be forever. Good for you, doing what you need to keep you and the kids in a good place.

I am not in your situation, but what I read here all the time is that when it is truly time to part, you will know.

I don't believe our addicts do not care; I believe they are incapable of caring when in active addiction. The drugs will always be first and the disease will do whatever it can to protect itself. It always helped me to separate the addiction from the person I loved...Helped me to find compassion and to not feel it was all my fault. Hugs.

I don't think I love him anymore. I know I would be happier without him. What's holding me back?

((((Paprika)))
I can "hear" the pain in your post.
Time...thats the best I can come up with. Like they all say, we all have an "enough" point, and if that time comes, the best we can do is accept it, listen to our hearts, and have the courage to change.
In the meantime, maybe make a list, write your thoughts down, talk here...
What has changed between last night and today?
What were you hoping (or expecting...thats my trouble spot) to change when you returned?
You are NOT stupid. You are a bright gal that loves her family and knows when to call for a pick up...thats not stupid.
Prayers for peace and clarity
(((Cece)))

I guess I was hoping that he would at least pretend to like me today. But that didn't happen at all. Still talking to his druggie friends on the phone. Driving them around. Taking off and saying he'll be right back. I want to believe him but I can't anymore. I have to reason to. I've told him several times there's a reason his friends aren't married and they are living with their parents. I have to leave. I just have to.

Fear?
And thats a valid emotion. Change is scary...uprooting a family? Terrifying.
Make a plan, re-visit it, make changes until it feels right.
Unless you or the kids are in danger, this doesn't have to be decided this minute.
Just know that you have choices...and the right to be happy....whatever that may mean to you.
We're here for you
((((hugs))))
Cece

Thank you all for your kind words. Remind me that I will feel better in the morning. Then I can really do something for my own happiness. I mostly just want to be happy for my kids. That's all I want.

YOu WILL feel better in the morning and Cece has some awesome suggestions. I like the idea of planning and reworking it until it feels right. That gives me a feeling of hope and a feeling that I can control one thing - me and what i choose to do. Hugs...please get some sleep; that helps too.

Thank you for caring. I need to start living my life again.

oh my god, he came home and then he left again. It's midnight. Why oh why. I'm only something for him to use, I'm not even a real person to him. I can't stop crying.

Cece has some excellent suggestions. I think fear holds us all back but at some point we just know we have had "enough". That's when we truly accept what is and realize that we cannot change what they do, only what we do and how we live.

You'll know when you've had enough, until then just keep those babies safe and try to live each day for yourself and for them, regardless of how he is behaving.

Hugs