oneeyeopen

boy did I take a back slide today....

usual story, abf takes off last night, uses. Well, this morning I go and call the place where I know he is, get one of the user/dealers on the phone (who, ofcourse, lies to me and says the abf isn't there). abf calls back, and I just fell apart and spent the next hour an a half on the phone with him, me either screaming, crying, threatening (call the police, tell them all I know..bla bla bla,) You know, you all have been there.

Then I decide to really go all out and I start calling the apartment instead and leave nasty messages about how the people there should leave my abf alone and not contract him, bla bla bla bla.

I spent the first two hours at work crying (luckily I was on my own) then the rest of the day just rotten and beating up on myself for being such a pathetic codependent, and then the usual--what am I doing in this situation that is making me crazy....

and, aside from you guys, and my abf himself, or his mother, I have no one to talk to about this, and I feel so bottled up and I just want to FIX IT. I rack my brains--if I could figure out WHY, then maybe I could do something about it, You know, I did the whole codie spiral down into the depths of my despair...total slide down the hill...

I was thinking about why those of us involved with these addicts continue to hang onto them. The thing is, with my abf, everything is right between us except for this one, huge, glaring, enormous, problem...addiction. Honestly, That is the only thing "wrong" between us. I am so so frustrated by fate that I have had this otherwise perfect man put in my life and then he turns out to have this rotten, horrible, awful, disease. And I hate the idea that I might have to leave him, to break up with him because of THAT.

This is rotten, rotten, rotten.

ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE....

I am focusing on myself, I need to find a job, I have found a new apartment and am moving next week, and, despite this mornings huge slip, I am not going to let the abf's problems overshadow mine. and...no more calls to any of those people in the drug world......

thanks for listening

Spiritual Seeker

Alanon is a great place to make like-minded friends willing to listen and share strenth along with experience. Addicts can't provide all that is required to sustain a healthy relationship. Maybe this relationship is just the beginning of learning some lessons. Enjoy your new fabulous apartment. Detach with love. Work on yourself and be all that you can be so that you attract others dooing the same..it works for me

liesagain

i too swore I would stop acting like this..........yet I have my AH phone, since he went into rehab yesterday and I have gone thru every call and I have called these numbers ( the ones he called in the middle of the night while on a binge) and I have yelled and threatened and called these "people" every nasty name I could think of all the way up to crack whor@ ........
what do I really think that will do? NOTHING!!! yet I want them to suffer I want them to pay
I am realising that I too am becoming as sick as he is, I cant deal with the way his actions make me feel I hate dealing with the fact that this has become my life.........

Meetings I know , I just cant seem to get that in right now..................

cinderellawkids

Dont be too hard on yourself, it happens its one of the side effects of loving them and not leaving.

Meetings, I have my own issues with that. I dont fit in at the local alanons, they look at me as the surviver. LOL

Its important to know that I think with all of us addiction is the only problem in the relationship. My husband and I get along beautifully otherwise, however its a big problem a huge own and with it active mode, the relationship can never prosper

greeteachday

Meetings worked for me too...I understand what Cinderella is saying...Finding the right one is key. I went to quite a few Alanon groups before finding home in a relatively close (geographically) Naranon. The meetings are terrific...just being able to pour out my heart and receive unconditional support and no judgement...wow. SR is wonderful but when things are particularly trying, if you have no one to talk to "live", trying some meetings may really make a difference. Hugs

paprika

I go through phases of hanging up on all his friends that call and I have visions of threatening them with calling the police the next time they call. I hate them.

paprika

I guess I'm saying that I understand exactly how you are feeling and why you feel the way you do.

Wascally Wabbit

BigSis has said it many times. "Hands off the addict".
It seems like the more we get "involved" the sicker we ourselves become.
It's hard because I always wanted control of everything. If I could control it, I could fix it. Unfortunately for me, it was after mental and financial meltdown that the full impact of the 1st step open my eyes: "We admitted we were powerlessness..."

But, look! You're making big steps to your own recovery. You're getting a job, and a new place to live. I hope you continue to grow strong. You're worth it!

teke

oh oneeye, don't beat yourself up too much, i've probably done worse, let it go and move on from here. i think you're doing so good, you are looking out for self and thats what matters, i wished i knew why we hang on, maybe its because we see something that they can't see, and thats hard, but you can' change them, all we can do is change ourselves, and from the looks of it, you are doing a really good job of changing you.

Elana

Well, it took me several months but I finally truly believed the reason my Xabf did what he did is because he is an addict and it all part of what addicts do.

End of why. I wondered WHY for so long. Addiction is why.

Don't be tough on yourself. Heck.. its just another day and you noticed what you did and do not plan to repeat it. Sounds like you got back the step and took another one forward!

marle

All I can say is been there, done that with my daughter and her abf. So sending some hugs, sounds like you are still taking those steps to move forward. Hugs, Marle