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Old 05-18-2007, 02:13 PM
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Feeling Stupid

I have been letting my son pretty much do what he wants to do. He is going to Devry & doesn't do a lot else. I have even defended him when my dad was arguing with him. Two night ago I discovered that he has been missing classes & if he misses anymore, he can be terminated.

After calming down, I told him how I felt. And said I felt betrayed & angry that he was lying to me.

I didn't say it to him, but it felt as bad to me as when my ex's would stand there & lie in my face. I felt hurt & betrayed.

I think I mentioned on Mother's Day he flat out told me that to him it was just like any other day. He didn't care.

My son has taken the attitude that he can be a screw up all his life because of his father & my ex. And he is blaming me for everything that is wrong with his life. I shared this on another group & was told that it's not ALL my fault. And that this kid (18 years old) needs to grow up. And take responsibility for what he's doing.

However, one women, an adult child of alcoholics & her ex is an addict. Told me that because of ME, my son will have problems forever & it IS my fault. And that my happiness caused the problems my children are having now.

I've started counseling again & my counselor doesn't think I need to pay for this the rest of my life. Lately, I do feel hopeless & helpless. I do feel like it's all my fault & I need to pay. I also remember as a child feeling that it was my parents' fault for all the problems I had. But once I becamean adult. I had the choice. Screw-up or grow-up. And I stopped blaming them

Now, I'm really confused. And I thought perhaps I'd get a better cross-section of feelings, especially from parents of addicts.

Lynne
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Old 05-18-2007, 02:30 PM
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Don't let one person's opinion affect how you feel. This person has their own issues. I know that I grew up with a violent, alcoholic dad. My mom did the best that she could under the circumstances. I have never ever blamed my parents for my choices in life. If your son is having problems dealing with life, he is old enough to get the help that he needs to make his life better. You can look back and see everything that you think you did wrong. But at the time you were living it, you did the best that you could. Your son needs to experience life for himself and maybe being on his own and paying for himself and his choices will teach him that people are human, we make mistakes and that he must own his own life and stop blaming you for what you did or did not do. He knows that he is screwing up and it is so much easier to lay the blame on you, lay the guilt on you, then to take the responsibility that he need to do to grow up. Don't take on things that are not yours to own. Everyone has choices and right now he is not making good ones. The positive thing is that he is young and can turn things around, but if you provide him with all the comforts he really has no reason to do it. Hugs, Marle
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Old 05-18-2007, 02:31 PM
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Oh I forgot, Here are some hugs. It is so hard being a mom. Marle
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Old 05-18-2007, 02:37 PM
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Lynne,
I'm the partner, not the parent of an addict, but I know others will tell you the same thing: to an addict, it's always someone else's fault. And that's not true only for addicts but for anyone who refuses to grow up. As you said, we choose, all of us, to screw up or grow up. The idea that your parents' behavior determines the course of your life is amateur psychology at its sloppiest.

As the saying goes, we didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. And that goes for all kinds of behavior!
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Old 05-18-2007, 02:42 PM
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One other thing that could be happening here is that your son may be depressed. My daughter went through something similar when she was 18. Of course she chose to self-medicate with drugs, but I did take her to a therapist, she was put on medication and given counselling. Sometimes depression in someone young will express itself in acting out, being angry, not succeeding, etc. If you think he will go maybe an appointment with a therapist might not be a bad idea. One bit of advice, let him go alone. You don't need to sit there and be his target. Hugs, Marle
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Old 05-18-2007, 02:47 PM
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You're in the right place. There are many parents who will help. I'm still learning something new everyday. I have learned it's easier to blame someone else!
my thoughts and prayers are with you.
susan
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Old 05-18-2007, 03:06 PM
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You certainly are in the right place & know this right off................ It is not your fault. I read your son is 18 my SA started using when he was 21. I can tell you the same as everyone else did if he is addicted to drugs don't enable him. The more you help an addict the worse things get. They never learn unless they are left to experience ALL the consequences of their actions, and I MEAN all of them whatever they are. My SA is now 40 yrs old & I believe the reason he is still addicted is because my elderly parents have never stopped enabling him. I think they have finally reached their bottom & are done with him now but the longer it goes on the harder it is for the addict to start over. The mistakes they make while addicted get more serious the longer the addiction goes on. Many of our members have children who have records. Alot of them lose their drivers license. It is hard for an addict to start over with so many strikes against them. It can be done but as I said the longer the addiction goes on the worse things get.
Keep coming back. There are terrific people here.
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Old 05-18-2007, 03:16 PM
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well it is about time for that kid to hit the road,

soon if he passes that school or not he is going to get out get a job and get to work and never stop.

a guy can go to school and get a job or a guy can just get a job.

A guy can get a good paying job and drive a nice truck and have a nicer place to live or he can get lower paying job and drive a crapy truck and live in a dump.there is no law against that.it his his life.it takes all kinds. seems like he might want to take it easy and be a bumb. thats cool if thats his trip.but he can't be bothering his momy and living at home.

wether he passes this school or not realy does not mean he will have a good paying job or be successfull.even if he is good in school.you have to be a good wroker!

and this guy is a slacker and no employer will put up with this crap.

work is work,and he needs to start doing allot of it soon. like tomarrow!

he is wasting everyones time with his BS.livivg at home giving his mom a hard time,F-ing up in school,not working.

he needs a job and some bills of his own.school boys don't know crap anyway,there so green.it takes on the job experience to realy get the job done day in day out like a man.school is a great place though to get a kid started with the basics he will need to find work. but if the punk can't make it to class real work will eat this baby alive.school is easy. he will have a harder time making it to work every day. and work never ends.you don't graduate from work , you work forever.

what i am trying to tell you is don't go crazy woring about his schooling,that is his problem,he has a good opertuninty to get a jump start on his career,and HE is messing it up.no mater what happens with this school the end result will be him working.and him not living with his mama.and that day is getting close,

he does not have to go to school,if he wants to be like that, but he does have to work and move out.

HE HAS TO,TO BE A MAN!this can keep on and he will be living with you for another 10 years if you don't crack the whip!


it is his life and he needs to start living it.

this kid sounds like he needs to be forced out of the nest,So you just have to make it suck so bad for him to be at home.do not let up on him.make his life hell.do this do that do this. just go nuts yell at him,just bother him so much he says to you screw this i got to get out of here.

Don't forget the world needs gas pumper and burger flipers.if he wants to be a retard they have jobs for guys like that.He is making some bad choices rite now ,but thats his life.We all hope that when he is older he will snap into shape.but only time will tell that. he will not ever snap into shape sitting on his momys couch. skipping classes , proably smoking weed,being your typical slacker.

he can get a crapy job and get a few room mates and sit his lazy ___ on his own couch and smoke pot,IT IS HIS LIFE, make him start lving it.

easy is not working for him, this guy needs to learn the hard way. "If thats the way he want's it, he gets it!"
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Old 05-18-2007, 03:25 PM
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Awe Lynn,
Sounds like one bad apple got you all turned around.
I've made mistakes, and I've done wrong and I've been wronged...we all have.
But its up to me to figure out how I'm going to live in this world, and up to me to do it, just as its up to your son.
Your son may be going through one of those "spells" that many do. They just don't have the tools yet, and its easier to blame. I hate to bash our society but we've made it easy for everyone to blame everyone else.
I've heard our kids generation be called the "me generation".
It may sound cruel, but I've finally come to the conclusion that my kids need me a heck of a lot more than I need them right now. I remind them of that every so often
Hang in there
((((Hugs))))
Cece
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Old 05-18-2007, 03:26 PM
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However, one women, an adult child of alcoholics & her ex is an addict. Told me that because of ME, my son will have problems forever & it IS my fault. And that my happiness caused the problems my children are having now.
Watta bunch of malarky.

You KNOW that your experience is different... the opinions above me are different. I think it might be time to not communicate with this particular woman about these issues.

My parents were both active alcoholics while I was growing up... they did the best they knew how to do at the time. Figuring THAT out made MY life much better.

I am not surprised that a younger person hasn't figured this out, yet... but I would certainly convey THAT message to your son at some point.

That other woman obviously still has some growing left to do...

((hugs))
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Old 05-18-2007, 03:28 PM
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Hey Carl...

What is YOUR experience? What has happened to YOU...what have YOU done.

That is how I hear things best.... when someone shares from the heart what they know from their OWN experience.
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Old 05-18-2007, 03:53 PM
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OK

I was teh ring barer at my parents weding at 5 then they were divorced at 8. we allways moved between 3 states we had houses in, before and after the divorce we were in constant movement i would be in school in one state about half the year and move, until about 10 years old i stayed for good in florida but i still would go from one parent to the other. spent more time with my mom when i was young then more time with my dad when i was older.

the last time i was at a parents home i was 16 livining in my moms garage,there are rats and termites in there bad. i got bit on the head one time by a rat when i was sleaping and it woke me up.it was sitting on the pillow staring back at me.LOL.
I would work for my dad when i was with my dad and steal some times and when i was with my mom i would steal for a living all the time. I never got caught and did very good steeling, I stole all through high school and made a pretty good living for a high school kid. me and 2 other guys had a thing going where you could tell us what you wanted and we would get it.We had a good work ethic abou it, very serious buisness.I sold pot to but only so i could smoke for free.

so were was I . OK , i was growing pot on the roof of the gargae,(very stupid)I had some good seeds from the indica i was selling and wanted to grow some,so my mom kicked me out and kept the plants.I am not lieing, the bitch kept them. she allways snorted coke sence i was a baby. but as i got older she became a crack head. and would take my things and sell them for crack.
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Old 05-18-2007, 04:03 PM
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she sold allot of my things.and got credit cards in my name and messed up my creddit.she sucks,she was stealing from me even when i was with my dad or if i was with her. i moved out of my dads a 16. i told him to kiss my @$$ and i went to my moms a few months at my moms,she kicked me out. and i hit the street. i sleped in the woods and in constuction sites. and i went to high school a few days a week.i later found a couch at a friends house i could sleap on and stayd for a few years and stayed in school. i did not do good in school. i did no work and id not have books or a pensil, i just went to hang out and party. We had a cool school. we would get drunk and do every drug in school all the time .my grades sucked but i was having fun.i would work at my dads buisness after school every day after school and i got into a program where you can leave school after a few hours and go to work for school creddits. so i would hang out in auto shop class at school and then go to work at my dads. i at that time found another place to live that was awsome

this nice big fammily with money took me in and realy helped me. she was a widow,and a very respected lady around town, and i grew up with her sons. we were i big fammily , and she was a cool lady.all of us kids in this huge house and planty of money we did drugs and drank constaly , but still i was helped livng there. I love those people.
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Old 05-18-2007, 04:20 PM
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while i was there i was working odd jobs like lobstering,and painting houses and stealing allthough drinking and doing drugs i was getting my $#IT togther and on my own tearms. i allways had a job! a was goijng to work on jobs with my dad before i was in my teens. i have been in a shop my whole life except for a few years of odd jobs, and when i was steelinjg it was a job.A guy needs to have some money coming in if he is going to keep his head above water.i have allways had my drivers licence sence i was 16 and allway had a truck or car on the road.

my dad needed some help at work so i started working for him again and i droped out of high school. it was not a big deal or a shame when i droped out because i was not realy a student.i have been working there ever sence. i am 29 now. been to lots of schools and do very good at work, i go to work every day. even when i was on cocain pretty heavy when i was a teen and most of my 20's i would go to work . i was a zombie but i get the job done.

I never been caught doing anything. you got to be smart if you are going to be bad. or it will not work out for you at all. I went to jail one time when i was 19 for dissorderly conduct.i was all messed up at fantasy fest in Key West.Ir is like mardigras in new orleans . i had to stay 3 days till mondy morning i could see the judge.but i don't realy see that is a chrime or being caught like dealing drugs or steeling, that was just something stupid and little, i made my own bail and took a grey hound back up to that house i was staying at.i could not call anyone for help and i did not need to . i handle my own buisness. so i can do whatever i want to. your son even though he don't know it could have even more fun and do anywthing in the world he wanted to if he just hit the road,

I remeber i did get busted drinking at a party when i was a minor,i did some comunity service. it was not the end of the world and it made no impact on anything i was doing.

I make a allot of money and this is a good buisness with lots of costomers and we are buisy year round non stop. i pay all my bills buy new 4 wheelers and new trucks for me and my girl friend. i have baught her 3 differnet cars in 7 years.

what this says is you can be a F-up if thats the way you are going to be,but you need to get a job, and get some money rolling it. a man needs to work. allways work work work. you can overcome anything if you are working hard.as long as your sweating and your back hurts and your finger nails are dirty, you can;t realy be doing to much wrong.

what i am telling you son is get a GD job and stop giving his mom a hard time.

I have left lots of my story out of this. lots of abuse and crazy things out i have gone through and jumped around allot, but in sort of a nut shell it dont matter what happend .at the end of the day when you are a man with bills and a fammily you need to take care of that. and take care of your self.

Last edited by carl250r; 05-18-2007 at 04:40 PM.
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Old 05-18-2007, 04:40 PM
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Dear Lynne,

I think you're on the right track. You've been on both sides of the fence. You've paid your own dues and you know that no matter what one's background or environment, it's ultimately up to each of us to make our own lives work.

You eventually stopped blaming your own parents for your misery. My mother was an alcoholic throughout most of my childhood and teen years. If anything, that increased my resolve not to be that way.

I have two sons. The 20-year-old has been an addict since about the age of 14. The 18-year-old has acted with the maturity and wisdom of a 30-year-old for as long as I can remember.

Same environment, same circumstances, same mother, same father. Go figure, huh?

The only things you can control are your own feelings about yourself and your own boundaries of what you're going to accept from other people (sons included).

I know that it's really hard to stay focused and positive when there is so much chaos around us, but we must believe in ourselves and that we've always done the very best we can as mothers and fathers. We don't own our children's feelings and they don't own ours.

How they choose to "deal" with life is a choice they're going to have to live with for a very long time. By the age of 18, they've already made some choices, but they're still not quite sure. If you waiver in your own resolve and show uncertainty about your own choices, that may not be giving them the anchor they need to feel secure when they have to face their own demons.

In some cases, love hurts, but sometimes, it must.

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Old 05-18-2007, 08:52 PM
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WOW - powerful stuff here. Thanks everyone for sharing. LY & GB / M
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Old 05-18-2007, 08:56 PM
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(((Carl))) I do hear ya... life is not fair, it is not easy and yours has been tougher than most.

What I found was that I spent a lot of my 20's blaming my mom and dad for not parenting me well. What I know today is that they did the best they knew how... AND that the "standard" I was comparing them against was unrealistic...

Things like Leave it to Beaver and My Three Sons ... the equivalent of the Cosby's or Full House or something else that is totally not real.

Once I STOPPED having that anger, my life got better. And I don't even know how hard that must have been on my mom.

I separate the addiction from the person. My mom did some awful things, but it was her alcoholism that did those things. She, on some level, always loved me.

Blackrose does not deserve to be treated badly... by the same token, I know she loves her son - even if she can't be around him today.


I wish the world were just "black and white" ... "good and bad". But it isn't. It is filled with shades of gray... and on the good days, color, too.


(((Blackrose))) (((Carl)))
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Old 05-18-2007, 09:24 PM
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i didn't get a chance to read all your responses but i'd like to say that i don't think that it was your fault at all. my mom did the best she could to raise her kids, never dranked or smoked and didn't have friends around that did either. at home we were not exposed to anything other than church basically and 2 out 6 ended up addict and alcoholic/addict. it was not here fault and neither is it yours, its the choices we make.
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Old 05-18-2007, 09:28 PM
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i don't realy actively blame them for nothing. i could easyly say to myself sure i come from some sort of bad child hood. but the thing is I have always been so crazy and retarded that I have been able to do enough bad without any help from my parents. it is like to me i was raised like how you grow a plant or something. i was sort of grown, or watered and fed sometimes.
they are not realy this all important thing to me that i think about. i never think about them.well i can't say that. i am on the freaking internet blabing about it to straingers LOL. but i got started on this site looking for advice about my drunk of a girl frien , and now i am talking about myself. maybe i am the one who could use some work.
i work with my dad but i have allways called him dude.i even call him *****. and i call him by his first name to. i cannot remember telling him a love him.
my mother is a total train wreck and is dieing rite now, from a burned out liver that is a lump of charcole.
I maybe so full of hate that it just is me totaly.and i can't see it?
those parents were freaks,like things that you have only seen in movies bad.
but there old and i am older there cool , i am cool.
what i am doing now is working for my kid, he is 5 and i am pist off his mom is a alcohalic.I am not a drunk. i dont have any cravings for beer or drugs or nothing. it is a part of my life but it is not something you could call me. you cannot say my sons dad is a drunk or a drugy. but his mom on teh other hand is a drunk and i hate her because of it rite now.
my kid will never have teh child hood i have. but i hate a drunk mother so much because of what i been through . it pisses me off when i see thi sgirl drinking all the time. and she knows how i feel, about it and how i feel about the boy an she don't care.
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Old 05-18-2007, 09:29 PM
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Don't let the addict blame you. It's not your fault at all.
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