A list of what you want in a relationship
 

Does the list include that you’d like to be in a partnership where you’ll always take second place to a drug, be lied to, used, manipulated, ripped off, left alone for long periods of time and not be able to rely on a balanced commitment in meeting financial and domestic responsibilities? Because these are pretty much certainties in a relationship with an active addict.

Does the list include that you’d like your life to include being cheated on, being afraid of aggression and violence, being physically and mentally abused, being mistrustful, paranoid and worried most of the time, being to blame for anything that goes wrong, having police turn up at your door, visiting your partner in jail? Because these are all possibilities if you continue to live with a addict.

As to the things you do have on your list…how many of these are currently being met by your partner? I don’t mean the things he used to be or the things he might be one day if he gets his act together, I mean as things are between you now.

Do you have things like trust, reciprocal love, and equal sharing of responsibilities? Is he someone you can depend on to be there when you need him through thick and thin?

These questions may help shed some light on whether this relationship as it is right now is something you want in your life.............

I wanted to repost this from long ago to all those newcomers out there

thanks cinder, the whole list is what i don't want, thats one reason why i'm alone today. don't know what i want yet, but i do know what i don't want, so thats a start for me. i do not want addiction in my life at all.

When we read it in afterthpought we wonder how we ever lived that way

My sponsor told me something similar once... about the people we want in our lives.

Make a list of ALL the attributes I would want in a friend or a relationship.

Kindness
Understanding
Unconditional love
Fun attitude
Easy laughter
Joyful spirit

.... then she told me to "become the list".



Like attracts Like


:)

about a month or so ago I asked my AH what he thought a marriage consisited of and then told him for me is should consist of

unconditional love
trust respect
partnership
friendship
faithfulness
and someone I can depend on to put me first in his thoughts and actions
then said................now how many of these do we have now? none!
little by lttle along the way we have lost each and every one of these things..............and really can we ever get them back?

I really needed to read this today. My list is as follows.

unconditional love
trust
respect
loyalty
friendship
compassion
faithfulness
laughter
passion
kindness
responsible

i will have your your having that sounds good.

i think i would be cool with about half of that in a lover even.

I think the very first thing on my list would have to be complete honesty.

I'm not in a place right now to even think any further than that, but I know for certain that I never again want to have to wonder what the truth is.

Honesty. Open Honesty. (this eliminates lying and cheating etc.)
Love.
Compassion.
No drug or alcohol abuse (including cigarettes)
Must like animals.
Must LIKE me (in addtion to love).
Must be responsible.
Unselfish sex.

Loves God
Responsible
Mutual respect
Communication
Honesty
I will stick with these five.

I agree.. must add some aspect of religous belief and visitation.
and.. I want to clarify..

On the No Drugs or alcohol abuse, I want to add EVER. I have learned here that relapse is a very common word even after years. I have spent too much of my life on addicts to want it in my life again. I know that may not seem fair but it is for ME.

I will add the spiritual requirement here, and the no drug/alcohol abuse EVER thing, too.

I would want a man that is REALLY a Christian and shows it by the way he lives his life and the way he treats the people in it.

I have had my belly full of a man who gives lip service to God and expects for his family to live up to Biblical standards while he lies, cheats, etc...

Like so many here, I have already spent way too much time dealing with addiction and that is one place I never want to be again.