Daughter and therapy - Opinions please!
Heard it all before
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Weird NJ
Posts: 43
Daughter and therapy - Opinions please!
I'd really appreciate everyone's opinion on this....
I'll try to keep a long story short. lol
I decided to take my 14 year old daughter to therapy because I thought she was having some problems (attitude, possible drinking, cutting, etc) and she would not talk to me about any of it. I figured I'd need all the help I could get in dealing with it.
So, we go to the therapist (this place is my only option available for location and insurance reasons) and we are assigned to a girl who is an intern basically and working on her Master's Degree. At first they didn't seem to want to take my daughter into therapy because there didn't seem to be a specific problem (don't even get me started on that). So they suggested that my daughter and I come to therapy together to learn to communicate better.
The whole time we are in therapy my daughter is totally resistant to it. She barely spoke the whole time we went. A lot of the therapy seemed to be about respecting each other and they sort of seemed to come down on me because I read my daughter's diary. That was the only way I could find out what was going on. I only read it because I suspected there were real problems with her. I have no problem with doing it. As long as you are a minor child living in my house and I think there is a real problem (and there was) I do not have a problem with this.
So, after about 3-4 months it is time for the therapist to leave and at our last meeting she drops this on me.....since my daughter was so resistant to therapy they don't want to force therapy on anyone who doesn't want it and they can't make her come and since she doesn't want to, they don't think she needs to continue therapy. She doesn't need it? Now she has just what she wanted - to not have to go to therapy. Meanwhile, they knew she stole liquor from me and probably drank it, she always violated curfew as soon as she is off punishment, she says she isn't cutting anymore (and I tend to believe her) but what did they really do to help her with that, etc. etc. etc.
Now they suggest thay maybe I should continue with the therapy. It might be good for me to have a place to talk about my problems and this could possibly help me in dealing with my daughter. They tell me the new therapist will call me.....
That was over 2 weeks ago. I never got a call. I don't expect to. I think this was there nice way of ushering us out the door (and don't let it hit you in the @** on the way out!).
Also, in the very last therapy session there was a big blow up (way too long a story to write now!) and my daughter wrote down that she knows that I was worried about her cutting and that she isn't doing it anymore and she was alternating between giving me the 'stare of death' which I have never seen her give me before and it really scared me and crying before storming out of therapy. The therapist said this was a 'breakthrough' and I should just let her know I am there to support my daughter. (Great, you had a breakthrough, now get the heck out! lol)
What do you think about this?
I know my daughter didn't want to be there but I still think she might need some sort of help. For all the help they gave me I shouldn't have bothered.
I know this was supposed to be 'long story short', I tried!
Thanks for reading!
I'll try to keep a long story short. lol
I decided to take my 14 year old daughter to therapy because I thought she was having some problems (attitude, possible drinking, cutting, etc) and she would not talk to me about any of it. I figured I'd need all the help I could get in dealing with it.
So, we go to the therapist (this place is my only option available for location and insurance reasons) and we are assigned to a girl who is an intern basically and working on her Master's Degree. At first they didn't seem to want to take my daughter into therapy because there didn't seem to be a specific problem (don't even get me started on that). So they suggested that my daughter and I come to therapy together to learn to communicate better.
The whole time we are in therapy my daughter is totally resistant to it. She barely spoke the whole time we went. A lot of the therapy seemed to be about respecting each other and they sort of seemed to come down on me because I read my daughter's diary. That was the only way I could find out what was going on. I only read it because I suspected there were real problems with her. I have no problem with doing it. As long as you are a minor child living in my house and I think there is a real problem (and there was) I do not have a problem with this.
So, after about 3-4 months it is time for the therapist to leave and at our last meeting she drops this on me.....since my daughter was so resistant to therapy they don't want to force therapy on anyone who doesn't want it and they can't make her come and since she doesn't want to, they don't think she needs to continue therapy. She doesn't need it? Now she has just what she wanted - to not have to go to therapy. Meanwhile, they knew she stole liquor from me and probably drank it, she always violated curfew as soon as she is off punishment, she says she isn't cutting anymore (and I tend to believe her) but what did they really do to help her with that, etc. etc. etc.
Now they suggest thay maybe I should continue with the therapy. It might be good for me to have a place to talk about my problems and this could possibly help me in dealing with my daughter. They tell me the new therapist will call me.....
That was over 2 weeks ago. I never got a call. I don't expect to. I think this was there nice way of ushering us out the door (and don't let it hit you in the @** on the way out!).
Also, in the very last therapy session there was a big blow up (way too long a story to write now!) and my daughter wrote down that she knows that I was worried about her cutting and that she isn't doing it anymore and she was alternating between giving me the 'stare of death' which I have never seen her give me before and it really scared me and crying before storming out of therapy. The therapist said this was a 'breakthrough' and I should just let her know I am there to support my daughter. (Great, you had a breakthrough, now get the heck out! lol)
What do you think about this?
I know my daughter didn't want to be there but I still think she might need some sort of help. For all the help they gave me I shouldn't have bothered.
I know this was supposed to be 'long story short', I tried!
Thanks for reading!
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
i agree, another therapist - maybe one who specializes in family or young adults. maybe a group setting? absolutely too young to make her own decision. and i would advocate until the cows come home 
but therapy for just you is a good suggestion..
i hope it works out, i know how difficult it can be to find good resources.
blessings, k
but therapy for just you is a good suggestion..
i hope it works out, i know how difficult it can be to find good resources.
blessings, k
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
What about her going by herself. My niece talks to me about things but I know there are things she just cant and wont talk about in front of me. I got her in counseling and at first she was reluctant but I explained that this is a person who she can talk to about everything and doesnt have to worry about me finding out anything and its her place to talk about things she cant in front of me. She seemed pleased with the fact that there is someone she can open up with and without me finding out about everything so she wasnt worried about getting into trouble. Now she is excited about her counseling and looks forward to going. If its something serious the counselor will call me but other than that hands off. I can also call the counselor and express things to her what I think needs to be touched on and she will bring them up to my niece but without her knowing that I talked to her. Its her place her comfort zone her place to REALLY talk and let it out. So maybe individual counseling would help her open up more and really talk about things that are going on within her without being affraid of what will happen outside of counseling.
Then maybe u can continue with seperat counseling and u can have a place to talk about your daughter without your daughter feeling attacked and that everything is her fault and they can help you too on how to better understand and deal with things. It has worked great for us and she is also 13 almost 14 and she has come home drunk and she does alot of things that drives me nuts but I feel that counseling is helping her work with HER issues and her issues only.
Then maybe u can continue with seperat counseling and u can have a place to talk about your daughter without your daughter feeling attacked and that everything is her fault and they can help you too on how to better understand and deal with things. It has worked great for us and she is also 13 almost 14 and she has come home drunk and she does alot of things that drives me nuts but I feel that counseling is helping her work with HER issues and her issues only.
Heard it all before
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Weird NJ
Posts: 43
Thanks for the replies!
There really isn't any other place to go for counseling. With my insurance (Medicaid) and where I'm located every place is either full and not accepting new patients or they won't take my insurance. So many places around here are getting big budget cuts and they tell me that they won't even be having individual therapy anymore, most of it will be group therapy!
The therapist and I told my daughter over and over again that anything she said in therapy was totally confidential and that she could say anything she wanted and there would be no consequences or judgement. She was alone with the therapist a few times, too, but even then she basically refused to talk. She talked to her only once when they were alone and I don't know how much that could have helped since it was so brief.
Basically, my daughter refused to cooperate at all with the therapy and she got her wish...no more therapy! So now she is happy.
For the meantimeat least, I'm just going to let her know that I support her and that I am still looking out for her because I care and keep strong with my rules and of course keep coming here for support! Honestly, I've gotten more from SR than we did in therapy!
Thanks for all the help and support everyone!
There really isn't any other place to go for counseling. With my insurance (Medicaid) and where I'm located every place is either full and not accepting new patients or they won't take my insurance. So many places around here are getting big budget cuts and they tell me that they won't even be having individual therapy anymore, most of it will be group therapy!
The therapist and I told my daughter over and over again that anything she said in therapy was totally confidential and that she could say anything she wanted and there would be no consequences or judgement. She was alone with the therapist a few times, too, but even then she basically refused to talk. She talked to her only once when they were alone and I don't know how much that could have helped since it was so brief.
Basically, my daughter refused to cooperate at all with the therapy and she got her wish...no more therapy! So now she is happy.
For the meantimeat least, I'm just going to let her know that I support her and that I am still looking out for her because I care and keep strong with my rules and of course keep coming here for support! Honestly, I've gotten more from SR than we did in therapy!
Thanks for all the help and support everyone!
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Well, FWIW I have been unimpressed with therapy as it has evolved of late. Therapists in your situatin tend to be very young and, IMO, often ill equipped to do the job (just haven't the experience). I also find that the therapy is more and more becoming 'group' and when it goes there I think it best to go to Alanon (or AlAteen).
Psychiatric care seems to have become dispensing anti depressants.
That is what I have seen and this is my opinion which NO ONE has to agree with.
Used to be one on one therapy dominated and was often conducted by a trained Psychiatrist or psychologist.. now it is mostly Social workers. With funding cuts and cuts in insurance, they try to treat patients in group because they can run more patients thru the system with less staffing and money!
Regardless, if the person who is getting therapy is unreceptive, it won't work.
Psychiatric care seems to have become dispensing anti depressants.
That is what I have seen and this is my opinion which NO ONE has to agree with.
Used to be one on one therapy dominated and was often conducted by a trained Psychiatrist or psychologist.. now it is mostly Social workers. With funding cuts and cuts in insurance, they try to treat patients in group because they can run more patients thru the system with less staffing and money!
Regardless, if the person who is getting therapy is unreceptive, it won't work.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
If there is a pediatric hospital nearby, they have therapists, studies etc--lots of help. You can also ask the school counselor as they will have a list of people such as the United Way, social agencies, etc that will help. There is help there, sometimes you have to dig to find it! Also, a good social worker is a God send!
My prayers,
susan
My prayers,
susan
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
My daughter basically did the same thing in therapy. She was resistant and only went to make me happy. It was a waste of money because she just blamed me and lied about how well she was doing. She was not ready. I agree with the others. She needs someone to talk to and she should do it alone. You could do therapy at the same time but not with her. The therapy together should come at a later date. I hope you find an answer, but sometimes the system is so frustrating. Hugs and prayers, Marle
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Auckland, new Zealand
Posts: 93
She is drinking, cutting, being darn right disobediant!! she is 14, she is also going through puberty. Her hormones (now come on ladies, you have to agree!!!) are up the poo hole right now!. My social worker interviewed my parents to see what they thought of me and they said that when I was 14 I was like "leave me alone!" "I dont want to", and I lived in my bed room and hardly said boo to my family.
Yes I was stealing, smoking, drinking, sneaking out etc. I think 14 is the hardest year of all for girls. I have had 2 foster daughters and both came to me when they were 14.... OMG! they were a handful and nothing I could do seemed to help except for giving them unconditional love, and talking with them (even if they had the bed sheets over thier head and never responded) I also had to balance all that with a firm yet calm authority. They still had there responsibilites to do (eg. dishes, vacuuming, keeping their room tidy etc).
They have both gone now, and I have heard back from family members that they speak very highly of me!. they respected me. I kept my boundaries with them always.
Maybe you can find a web site where she can read up about others. Maybe she can join a site where she can VENT her emotions. Oh and by the way, if you let her do that, tell her that you will not check up at all about what she rights. She does need to trust you!
Pray, Pray Pray is the main thing, just commit her to God and then trust in yourself as well.
Thank you for sharing, I hope this helps
misslisa
Yes I was stealing, smoking, drinking, sneaking out etc. I think 14 is the hardest year of all for girls. I have had 2 foster daughters and both came to me when they were 14.... OMG! they were a handful and nothing I could do seemed to help except for giving them unconditional love, and talking with them (even if they had the bed sheets over thier head and never responded) I also had to balance all that with a firm yet calm authority. They still had there responsibilites to do (eg. dishes, vacuuming, keeping their room tidy etc).
They have both gone now, and I have heard back from family members that they speak very highly of me!. they respected me. I kept my boundaries with them always.
Maybe you can find a web site where she can read up about others. Maybe she can join a site where she can VENT her emotions. Oh and by the way, if you let her do that, tell her that you will not check up at all about what she rights. She does need to trust you!
Pray, Pray Pray is the main thing, just commit her to God and then trust in yourself as well.
Thank you for sharing, I hope this helps
misslisa
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i think maybe another therapist too, maybe you could allow both of you to have seperate sessions at first. do you think she may be more opened if she went in alone and then maybe you guys could also continue the family sessions too.
Heard it all before
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Weird NJ
Posts: 43
Thank you to everyone for your support and advice, I really appreciate it!
The reason that I think the 'therapist' (since she was a student I'm not sure what she was really, a social worker in training? I don't know.) had us come to the sessions together was since my daughter refused to really talk or participate she didn't know what to do with that. The 'therapist' was so young and inexperienced that sometimes I felt like I had to pick up the slack in the sessions like I was running the therapy!
On another note, we did discuss the fact that I read my daughter's diary (which my daughter was understandably not happy about, but I told her that I never would have done that had she not given me a good reason to do so) and the therapist and her supervisor seemed to sort of jump on me for doing that as well (sorry to disagree with them on this one, but, my house, my rules, my underage daughter possibly harming herself, darn right I'm snooping). I assured her that I would not do it again and that was the reason we were in the therapy, to communicate better so I wouldn't feel the need to.
I can understand the 'I don't want to talk about it' attitude and the hiding in the room and even secrecy and all the other things that I'm sure most of us have done at that age. I just began to worry when I thought there was more to it than the normal teen angst as I call it. I know it's not an easy road, especially with a teenage daughter (I was one once myself!) but I'm doing the best I can!
Thanks again!
The reason that I think the 'therapist' (since she was a student I'm not sure what she was really, a social worker in training? I don't know.) had us come to the sessions together was since my daughter refused to really talk or participate she didn't know what to do with that. The 'therapist' was so young and inexperienced that sometimes I felt like I had to pick up the slack in the sessions like I was running the therapy!
On another note, we did discuss the fact that I read my daughter's diary (which my daughter was understandably not happy about, but I told her that I never would have done that had she not given me a good reason to do so) and the therapist and her supervisor seemed to sort of jump on me for doing that as well (sorry to disagree with them on this one, but, my house, my rules, my underage daughter possibly harming herself, darn right I'm snooping). I assured her that I would not do it again and that was the reason we were in the therapy, to communicate better so I wouldn't feel the need to.
I can understand the 'I don't want to talk about it' attitude and the hiding in the room and even secrecy and all the other things that I'm sure most of us have done at that age. I just began to worry when I thought there was more to it than the normal teen angst as I call it. I know it's not an easy road, especially with a teenage daughter (I was one once myself!) but I'm doing the best I can!
Thanks again!
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
Since she is so resistant to therapy, I suggest you keep going for yourself as you need help coping with the situation.
It's very difficult to get an unwilling child to open up to a therapist.
I wish you well.
It's very difficult to get an unwilling child to open up to a therapist.
I wish you well.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Do not give up...keep searching for resources you can qualify for. Find an al-anon group with parent emphasis. Put the work in now or your discomfort will only become greater and lenghty. Good luck. Admitting there is a problem is awesome.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 285
I have a 17 year old daughter that actually asked me if she could see a therapist. She's tired of being depressed, and the funny thing is she takes psychology in school and said she thinks she has anti social disorder. Now she's diagnosing herself. Anyway, I looked one up through my insurance, and found a woman close by, my daughter didn't like her. She made her feel uncomfortable. So I called her pediatrician and they recommended a group. Long story short, she's gone to see this new woman twice, and seems to really like her. She gives me the option of being in the room, which I did do the first time. But the second time I declined. I guess when their minors, they have to ask? Not sure, but I thought she'd be better off on her own, to open up.
I'm trying to nip her depression in the bud, as her brother is an addict, and I couldn't take it if the same thing were to happen to her. Good luck and prayers.
I'm trying to nip her depression in the bud, as her brother is an addict, and I couldn't take it if the same thing were to happen to her. Good luck and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
A really good book to read..........REVIVING OPHELIA. All about girls and all the things they go through, personal stories. I read it when my daughter was going through the terrible teens. I recommend it to anyone who has a teenage daughter.
You and her both need a lot of hugs to get through these years.........Lo
You and her both need a lot of hugs to get through these years.........Lo
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I think you experienced a big waste of time and money... 
I don't think it was totally a loss - your daughter knows... absolutely... that you are willing to go to great lengths because you love her. That is a powerful message.
I knew my daughter was drinking and I suspected pot, and she was also cutting. So we went to an experienced counselor - one we had seen before for family counseling - and she still didn't open up.... so though I think you got ripped off, I don't know that even an experienced counselor could have made much headway.
What I do know is that Alanon helped me... and once I finally believe my suspicions of my daughter's drug use (she was addicted to meth for four years without my knowing... from ages 12-13 or so until 17) ... once I finally had some "proof" of her using - she went to rehab (s).
I hope your daughter is just going through teen stuff... but if you ever doubt that - trust your gut. You know your girl better than anyone. You can force her to undergo an initial urine test if you suspect drugs...but it may not be that at all.
Prayers going up. ((hugs))
I don't think it was totally a loss - your daughter knows... absolutely... that you are willing to go to great lengths because you love her. That is a powerful message.
I knew my daughter was drinking and I suspected pot, and she was also cutting. So we went to an experienced counselor - one we had seen before for family counseling - and she still didn't open up.... so though I think you got ripped off, I don't know that even an experienced counselor could have made much headway.
What I do know is that Alanon helped me... and once I finally believe my suspicions of my daughter's drug use (she was addicted to meth for four years without my knowing... from ages 12-13 or so until 17) ... once I finally had some "proof" of her using - she went to rehab (s).
I hope your daughter is just going through teen stuff... but if you ever doubt that - trust your gut. You know your girl better than anyone. You can force her to undergo an initial urine test if you suspect drugs...but it may not be that at all.
Prayers going up. ((hugs))
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
Reading thru these threads I am reminded of what one Mom did who wrote on here (not sure who it was?).
She took ALL the privileges away from her kids. NO TV (and none in their room) NO computer (none in their room), NO cell phone, NO going out with 'friends,' NO spending time alone in their troom except to sleep, IOW NO privileges.. and the deal was they had to earn them back obeying the rules, not cutting etc. etc.
I don't know the problem and I never had kids but she said it worked really well for her. At 14 you want to be an adult and a kid at the same time. It is a tough age, but we all go thru it and survive. IOW being 14 is not exactly unique.
She took ALL the privileges away from her kids. NO TV (and none in their room) NO computer (none in their room), NO cell phone, NO going out with 'friends,' NO spending time alone in their troom except to sleep, IOW NO privileges.. and the deal was they had to earn them back obeying the rules, not cutting etc. etc.
I don't know the problem and I never had kids but she said it worked really well for her. At 14 you want to be an adult and a kid at the same time. It is a tough age, but we all go thru it and survive. IOW being 14 is not exactly unique.
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Hi Outonalimb, I am sorry the therapy sessions did not go so well. My sons are now 40 & 33 & my experiences with all kinds of therapy are many. Most of the time they have not been of much value. Alot does depend on the therapist but until a person opens up to a therapist there is not a whole lot they can do.
After all my yrs of dealing with stuff like this I am seriously thinking that a program for co-dependents would be the most helpful. I am only speaking for myself but if you are a codie maybe a program like Al-Anon would be helpful for you. I know there is a program for kids your daughters age called Ala-Teen.
Diane
After all my yrs of dealing with stuff like this I am seriously thinking that a program for co-dependents would be the most helpful. I am only speaking for myself but if you are a codie maybe a program like Al-Anon would be helpful for you. I know there is a program for kids your daughters age called Ala-Teen.
Diane
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Midwest
Posts: 66
Sorry I haven't read all of the posts, but I wondered if the school has a counselor she (and you) could talk to. I know our school district has counseling available and there is no charge. My boys are only in elementary school and I asked about a school counselor and met with her.
Maybe this is an option for you. Good luck to you and let us know how things are going.
(((Hugs)))
Jen
Maybe this is an option for you. Good luck to you and let us know how things are going.
(((Hugs)))
Jen
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