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A Penny For Your Thought, Part 9

Old 05-19-2007, 08:51 PM
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guys remember when i told u guys that i went a little nuts and taped questions all up in my bathroom for him to see?

he tooked them all down except for one... all it says is "WHY?" i put that one on the wall above the toliet. i havent said anything about it and neither has he. I am wondering why he left that one there and also if it makes him think some??
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Old 05-19-2007, 09:05 PM
  # 342 (permalink)  
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hello everyone
well today I tried to stay busy.....cleaned my house like a mad woman cleaned out closets and washed every peice of clothing in the house...bought new sheets for my bed......hung pictures all by myself.....
and realised that I am so angry at my AH. Today his sponsor called to see how he was and we talked for a little while and he asked me a question that he asked me a few days ago.......................How is the marriage, was there marital issues?

I said aside from the fact that my husband is a crack addict? well we ended the conversation shortly after that but a few hours later I called him back and asked him point blank why he asked me that again. Is he trying to tell me something............and well his answer was along the lines of ........his behavior, well it just seems that something must be wrong in the marriage...........

OH my go* I was so mad.............and wanted to say DID it ever occur to you that something must be WRONG with the HUSBAND not the marriage............
and the more I thought about it, I decided who cares what he thinks besides, AH ripped him( the sponsor) off took money from his wallet and left walking in the middle of the night to binge on crack the night before he went in rehab............WAS there something WRONG with their relationship their sponsor / sponsee relationship? No its the ADDICT not the relationships

However as I spent my day cleaning I thought alot about my life and how things are right now and I believe that the sponsor knows more about my AH than I do, and my life for the last 10 years has been built on lies and deceit and I am so angry at my AH that I dont even want to speak to him much less look at him......the thought makes me sick to my stomach................
but at the same time as far as I know he's still in treatment so thats good for him, and I fell less anxious yet it has come to a point I think where its not (for me) the same............I love him with all my heart, yet I can't imagin myself being with him, or ever really returning to Normal...........
Ok I'm rambeling thanks for listening
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Old 05-19-2007, 09:07 PM
  # 343 (permalink)  
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Jewel

Maybe the sign got thru to him somehow and he wants to keep it fresh in his mind......by keeping it there.
if it makes him think before he acts then your little episode paid off ( at least I would think so)
take care
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Old 05-19-2007, 09:09 PM
  # 344 (permalink)  
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Jewelz, unfortunately he's probably not thinking muchabout the question, maybe he forgot it. I dont think he knows the answer to why, but maaybe if at a good point he's thinking about it
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Old 05-19-2007, 09:14 PM
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Lies, not sure if you saw me ask before, but with a inappropriate question like that I have to ask again is the sponsors name start with an L
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Old 05-19-2007, 09:17 PM
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Lies, this has NOTHING to do with the marriage. Your husband's escaping pure and simple. He escaped before you and he's fallen back into old patterns. He likes it, in part and doesnt in a nother but it has NOTHING to do with the marriage and a real sponsor who was working on his steps and recovery wouldnt be taking anyone elses inventory
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Old 05-19-2007, 09:17 PM
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oh sorry cindi I did see the question the first time but I though you said something like thats a topic for another time.........and you werent looking for an answer
No It starts with a T


Why do you ask?
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Old 05-19-2007, 09:20 PM
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thanks, cindi
Somewhere inside I know its not about me, but he ( the sponsor) illuded to things that just make me sick and honestly I guess the sad part the harest part is I know that the things he illuded to are true and AH must have told him things that I didnt have a clue about, and gosh how long has other people known things that I didnt.................1st off I feel like a fool and 2nd I feel lost.............the things are deal breakers ya know
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Old 05-19-2007, 09:27 PM
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I think the sponsor has work to do on himslef, seems he's looking for someone to point blame on, maybe he feels guilty, but for whatever reasons, remember the problem lies with in him, well both of them individually.

I know very few sponsors that would even allow someone whod just gotten high stay at their home for that reason.

For a minute I was afraid his sponsor might be an old friend whose a sponsor in taht area. I respect his clean time and his work in NA, but not his relationship skills
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Old 05-19-2007, 09:30 PM
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yeah, the sponsor said that today....that he accepts his part in this that he sould have known better than to have an active addict in his home..................
its sad so many people just really want to help my AH he just cant seem to help himself
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Old 05-19-2007, 09:30 PM
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Another thing, my AH and I are close and had a good marriage besides addiction, however when he was looking for an excuse to use he would down play me to anyone whod listen and pick apart my thoughts. In reality he was trying to making himself feel better about the choice to use taht he had already mader but not yet followed through with, and he does it everytime
but that has NOTHINg to do with his choices to use
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Old 05-19-2007, 09:33 PM
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I know how you feel lies. Thats what the Judge last summer in drug court said about my AH. He said eveeryone wants the best for you, but you just arent ready. He added I hope you get it right before you lose your supportive family, then he sentenced him.
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Old 05-19-2007, 09:33 PM
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I am not sure the guy was trying to rat out my AH or trying to place blame, I really just got the feeling he Knew things he somehow wanted me to be aware of............
and also he seemed concerned that "nothing" would change for AH and thus he would have no hope of improvement..........so in a sense I think he wanted to tell me things he knew whould be to hard for me to swallow maybe in an effort to make sure I didnt let AH come back home........after rehab
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Old 05-19-2007, 09:38 PM
  # 354 (permalink)  
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Funny thing Cindi..............before today I have said the exact same thing time and time again.........that we were fine that things were good ( not perfect but good) and that its only when hes relapsed or heading for a relapse that he seemed to be disenchanted with me, seemed to find fault and act as if I were the problem ..........and several times I feed into that thinking maybe it was me.................and he and I have even discussed that and during one of his times clean he said..yeah I think your right because I cant do it if things are good between us............so without realising it I attempt to put distance between us ............the end up using ( now I'm thinking QUACK QUACK ).
but the things I'm learning make me wonder just how stupid have I been and have I EVER really known him? Was our life together fake and pretend............it seems it was
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Old 05-19-2007, 09:39 PM
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I think your analyzing it to much and that guys dont think that way. I think he was placing blame, and acting inappropriate as a sponsor.
He is human and imperfect himself he cannot possibly know what your AH is gonna do, noone does not even your AH.
Only you can decide whats right for you and your family. I for a long time let AH do his thing and deal with consequences, but he always had food, power a place to live. I finally for me decided it wasnt working that way and nothing was changing. Its lasting because I made the decision for me and my kids we couldnt keep going through the pattern adn he needed to show actions first. If I had done it for any other reason, like before, hoping he'd feel remorse x t, I would never have stuck to it even this long. And Is till hope he'll get it together and eventually come back here, when its fairly safe to think it will go well. You need to analyze your needs and your childrens needs and nothing else
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Old 05-19-2007, 09:41 PM
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Lies - Your AH sponser is a sponser (assuiming he is) at best. He is not a marital counsler nor does he have any business asking you what problems are in the marraige. You did the right thing standing your ground and not allowing him to dirrect any blame or guilt on to you. Your AH issues with drugs are his problems, any other issues in the marraige are secondary to his using. I know that addicts work the devide and concor tatics in thier manipulation of people, this sounds a lot it. The intentions of his asking you are questionable but addicts do like to stir up POOP. BTW i have heard on more than one account of addicts sponers being thier addict buddy/user friend. Put only as much credit with the sponsor as you feel confortable. If you think his actions or words to you being the AH sponsor is wrong, out of line, they are. I hate to be skeptical about sponsors but I have had meth addicts tell me my xagf was a meth addict and they did not do drugs. I have had them try to sleep with me when she was passed out or od'ing who knows. My point is that the whole scene is lies, lies and more lies, they should not be taken too seriously. BTW addicts use each other in thier games to upset and provoke cernarios and reactions from potentional victims in scams ect. THis could be no diffrent. Living with you AH or not living with your addict husband is up to you, it is up to you to live with yourself.
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Old 05-19-2007, 09:42 PM
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I believe you knew the person under the addiction. The problem is he is enslaved to it now. Its controlling him completely.

Dont forget the three Cs.

My husband and I do ahve other issues, but they are things that could be easily resolved if the addiction didnt exist, and they probably would never really be issues. I think most people have those types of things, that still isnt an excuse for his behavior and he knows that.
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Old 05-19-2007, 09:45 PM
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Lies, i completely agree with Noah.

I also know several sponsors taht had 9 plus years clean that admit to mentally relapsing before their sponsees relapsed and then following behind with their own relapse.
Many also will not go get them from bad places for fear of being in that situation themselves
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Old 05-19-2007, 09:47 PM
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I have got to go to bed. Hang in there lies and everyone have a good night
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Old 05-19-2007, 09:48 PM
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thanks Noah and Cindi

I guess I really dont know what I think or feel at the moment.........to many lies and to much deceit.
I did decide today that I'm not going to get into those conversations with sponsor again...........and time will tell I suppose as far as AH goes.
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