How To Talk Sense Into An Enabler?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 94
How To Talk Sense Into An Enabler?
I need help.
My older cousin is an addict and my younger cousin (his sister) is his enabler.
I love them both like crazy and I KNOW that my younger cousin is only enabling him because she loves him and is scared to see him "alone" and with nobody to turn to. I completely understand where she's coming from and I know how difficult it is to stop enabling (my mother is also an addict and so is hers).
I've directed her to these forums so that she can read some things about why it's not helping him to enable him but I don't think it's getting through. I mean, she says she understands that it's not helping him....but then she does it anyway...and I know it's with the best intentions and she doesn't realize that she's helping kill him.
Is there any advice out there about what I can say or do to show my younger cousin that giving her addict brother money, food, car rides, etc. is only killing him and NOT helping him?
We have discussed sitting down with him (the addict) and offering to help him get help for his addiction but I really don't see any point in doing that if she's going to be there to enable him when/if he refuses help.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
My older cousin is an addict and my younger cousin (his sister) is his enabler.
I love them both like crazy and I KNOW that my younger cousin is only enabling him because she loves him and is scared to see him "alone" and with nobody to turn to. I completely understand where she's coming from and I know how difficult it is to stop enabling (my mother is also an addict and so is hers).
I've directed her to these forums so that she can read some things about why it's not helping him to enable him but I don't think it's getting through. I mean, she says she understands that it's not helping him....but then she does it anyway...and I know it's with the best intentions and she doesn't realize that she's helping kill him.
Is there any advice out there about what I can say or do to show my younger cousin that giving her addict brother money, food, car rides, etc. is only killing him and NOT helping him?
We have discussed sitting down with him (the addict) and offering to help him get help for his addiction but I really don't see any point in doing that if she's going to be there to enable him when/if he refuses help.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i don't think that there is much you can do. maybe she'll just have to get tired herself first. you've offered her sr, have you suggested alanon or naranon meetings? i think that all you can do is give her info if you want to then maybe take a step back and allow her handle it the way she feels its best for her. you've done all you could for them now try to continue to take care of you. maybe detaching a little from the both of them. keeping all of you in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Kimm, It must be tough when you are surrounded by so many addicts, but it sounds like you know what you need to do to protect yourself. Your cousin will eventually get tired of trying to fix him. You just have to let her hit her bottom too and be there when she is ready for help. Hugs, Marle
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Kimm........I know first hand that it took me a long time to finally say I've had enough. Especially when everything else fails the only thing left to do is to let go and let life happen to them, and let them see what they do with it.
Maybe you could tell her when they were babies and learning to walk, they were stood on their feet, took a few steps and fell down, they were picked back up to start all over again. Finally one day when they were left go, they walked by themselves, and continued from that day forward. It was only when they were left go did they walk alone. Eventually they figure it out by themselves.
Just thought it might be a little something to share with her. We all have been where she is, it takes a lot of courage to let go amd let them fall.
Hugs..........Lo
Maybe you could tell her when they were babies and learning to walk, they were stood on their feet, took a few steps and fell down, they were picked back up to start all over again. Finally one day when they were left go, they walked by themselves, and continued from that day forward. It was only when they were left go did they walk alone. Eventually they figure it out by themselves.
Just thought it might be a little something to share with her. We all have been where she is, it takes a lot of courage to let go amd let them fall.
Hugs..........Lo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: NJ
Posts: 59
Hmmm, well, they usually learn by getting burned too many times. Meetigns help with stopping enabling. I know that when I was busy enabling, no one could make me stop doing it. I twasn't until I had 'enough' that I decided to stop.
leading by example works, but unfortunately you can't make her stop enabling until she is ready.
leading by example works, but unfortunately you can't make her stop enabling until she is ready.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I tried to tell my MIL that my husband had a drug problem. She refused to belive one word of it. Even his very own psychologist sister didn't believe it either.
Now, years later, he's not working and living off his mother. She is quite comfortable supporting his habits.
It's not my problem and I stay out of it.
Now, years later, he's not working and living off his mother. She is quite comfortable supporting his habits.
It's not my problem and I stay out of it.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: south florida
Posts: 80
the thought ever cross your mind that she is probly on dope to. and is probably just better at hiding it. or is not as stupid to get caught.
she will not call it enabeling because there friends and she relates to him or her and there just chilling and sort of going through the same thing together and are relyng on each other for a dope hook up,a ride , money, or just someone to get high with.
the outsider will see it as some terible thing going on.And to them it aint nothing it is just the way it is .and they think that you guys are nuts and overeacting and don't understand, out of touch.
she might not be the whole wack job junky with track marks up her arms and turning tricks for crack. but maybe she will do a line of coke now and again and smokes pot regularly, you would have no idea. and a person like that would be very sympathetic to someone with a heavyer problem , might not even see it as the real problem it is,it just thinks the brother or sister is sort of a older party animal that needs to slow down thats all.and will let this useless sack of @#$% get away with murder.
she will not call it enabeling because there friends and she relates to him or her and there just chilling and sort of going through the same thing together and are relyng on each other for a dope hook up,a ride , money, or just someone to get high with.
the outsider will see it as some terible thing going on.And to them it aint nothing it is just the way it is .and they think that you guys are nuts and overeacting and don't understand, out of touch.
she might not be the whole wack job junky with track marks up her arms and turning tricks for crack. but maybe she will do a line of coke now and again and smokes pot regularly, you would have no idea. and a person like that would be very sympathetic to someone with a heavyer problem , might not even see it as the real problem it is,it just thinks the brother or sister is sort of a older party animal that needs to slow down thats all.and will let this useless sack of @#$% get away with murder.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
My experience is in being the enabler myself. I was trained to be one by my mom... not intentionally, of course, but just accidentally. I hated the anger and the chaos when she didn't get her way - so I learned to give her what she wanted.
This seems to have kicked in again with other relationships - not always, but certainly in order to keep the peace.
With my children, I enabled because when they were without the things they wanted, they appeared to be in pain. I believed all my life my "job" as a mom was to ease their pain and keep them safe.
It took a while before I was convinced that I was actually increasing their pain by extending their active addiction. I did not think that way all by myself, but had to be surrounded by others who were all talking and acting the same way. I IMMERSED myself in Alanon in order to stop some of the enabling.
I couldn't stop all the way or all at once, but only a little and only over time.
Perhaps you could offer to attend some Alanon meetings with your younger cousin? Five or six, just to get the ball rolling? Whatever will be, will.
(((hugs)))
This seems to have kicked in again with other relationships - not always, but certainly in order to keep the peace.
With my children, I enabled because when they were without the things they wanted, they appeared to be in pain. I believed all my life my "job" as a mom was to ease their pain and keep them safe.
It took a while before I was convinced that I was actually increasing their pain by extending their active addiction. I did not think that way all by myself, but had to be surrounded by others who were all talking and acting the same way. I IMMERSED myself in Alanon in order to stop some of the enabling.
I couldn't stop all the way or all at once, but only a little and only over time.
Perhaps you could offer to attend some Alanon meetings with your younger cousin? Five or six, just to get the ball rolling? Whatever will be, will.
(((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Kimm-
Sounds like she has ingrained within her that it's better to help an addict than release them into the streets. Sometimes this belief is so hardwired that we cannot even BEGIN to imagine NOT doing the things we do to take care of others- it becomes a purpose, identity- this is the codependent piece where individuals want to feel "needed" in order to be worthy or deserving. I have often and sometimes still do get anxiety when I feel like my addict does not "need" any support from me in his life.
Sounds like she has ingrained within her that it's better to help an addict than release them into the streets. Sometimes this belief is so hardwired that we cannot even BEGIN to imagine NOT doing the things we do to take care of others- it becomes a purpose, identity- this is the codependent piece where individuals want to feel "needed" in order to be worthy or deserving. I have often and sometimes still do get anxiety when I feel like my addict does not "need" any support from me in his life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by carl250r 
the thought ever cross your mind that she is probly on dope to. and is probably just better at hiding it. or is not as stupid to get caught.
she will not call it enabeling because there friends and she relates to him or her and there just chilling and sort of going through the same thing together and are relyng on each other for a dope hook up,a ride , money, or just someone to get high with.
the outsider will see it as some terible thing going on.And to them it aint nothing it is just the way it is .and they think that you guys are nuts and overeacting and don't understand, out of touch.
she might not be the whole wack job junky with track marks up her arms and turning tricks for crack. but maybe she will do a line of coke now and again and smokes pot regularly, you would have no idea. and a person like that would be very sympathetic to someone with a heavyer problem , might not even see it as the real problem it is,it just thinks the brother or sister is sort of a older party animal that needs to slow down thats all.and will let this useless sack of @#$% get away with murder.
she will not call it enabeling because there friends and she relates to him or her and there just chilling and sort of going through the same thing together and are relyng on each other for a dope hook up,a ride , money, or just someone to get high with.
the outsider will see it as some terible thing going on.And to them it aint nothing it is just the way it is .and they think that you guys are nuts and overeacting and don't understand, out of touch.
she might not be the whole wack job junky with track marks up her arms and turning tricks for crack. but maybe she will do a line of coke now and again and smokes pot regularly, you would have no idea. and a person like that would be very sympathetic to someone with a heavyer problem , might not even see it as the real problem it is,it just thinks the brother or sister is sort of a older party animal that needs to slow down thats all.and will let this useless sack of @#$% get away with murder.
I think her enabling is just because she cares about her brother so much and feels like she doesn't want to "abandon" him.
I appreciate all the feedback from everyone....it helps put things in perspective.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
I hated the anger and the chaos when she didn't get her way - so I learned to give her what she wanted.
Kim992, I have the same issue witha few enablers I know..I used to be the leader of the pack, so its hard to see others doing it now that Im no longer enabling.
I agree though, until one has had enough and wants a different life for themselves, nothing changes in alot of cases.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: south florida
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by Kimm992
I'm just wondering why a comment like this is necessary?
there is nothing wrong with my coment.
what don't you understand?
some people like someone to feed and take care off. maybe she likes the hurt little puppy. maybe keeping a ____up around helps her feel better and gives her something to do?
I don't know ,just throwing things out there.
she could be just a nice nieve little girl without a clue of what she is doing and how ultimatly she could be making it worse for this dude.
maybe she dont have the guts to say no to someone older than she is?
maybe this butt hole looks for sweet people like his sister that he can roll over to get what he needs.and she needs to learn the hard way about being used and sooner or later she will figure it out and cut this guy off?
maybe this guy needs his teeth knocked down his throat?
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: south florida
Posts: 80
all of the stuff in these replys does not have to hit the nail on the head about the original posters problem ,or question ,or situation,whatever you call it.
i think something that might not fit for one person,may shed some light for another just passing through reading looking for answers or help.
I don't think i know allot about all people, I must not,but i know my world ,my real world .and if i am on this computer i am not out using drugs or drinking.
i am finding out things in these forums and i am trying to give answers to others.
so whats up kimm992?
i think something that might not fit for one person,may shed some light for another just passing through reading looking for answers or help.
I don't think i know allot about all people, I must not,but i know my world ,my real world .and if i am on this computer i am not out using drugs or drinking.
i am finding out things in these forums and i am trying to give answers to others.
so whats up kimm992?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,252
Some of the worst enablers are family because they tend to overlook many things and/or look/view family from a earlier time or as a younger person.
Call them out on their enabling and/or lies and leave it at that. Don't let it turn into a debate. But do explain why something should be considered enabling. If the alkie/addict doesn't quit one will live long enough to see what the enabling did or how the alkie/addict exploits it.
Call them out on their enabling and/or lies and leave it at that. Don't let it turn into a debate. But do explain why something should be considered enabling. If the alkie/addict doesn't quit one will live long enough to see what the enabling did or how the alkie/addict exploits it.
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