Kimm992

So I'm at home watching a movie with my boyfriend and all of a sudden someone starts buzzing me from downstairs. It's 10:30pm so I have no idea who would be showing up at my door at that hour.

I answer the buzzer and it's my mom. She starts saying she just wants to come up and visit with me for a while. I am so confused at this point and I ask her what's going on.

She tells me that she's downstairs with her boyfriend and that they have no place to stay tonight. She said that they had been at my alcoholic Aunt's house and had been planning to stay there but my Aunt's boyfriend had gotten out of control and hit my mom's boyfriend over the head with a beer bottle so they had left.

I told her that my boyfriend was staying over and that I only live in a tiny one bedroom condo and she said that it was okay and she would just stay with a friend.

When she left I felt SOOOOOO guilty. I felt like I had put my own mother out on the street and it made me feel like such a horrible person.....but now I'm 26 years old and I have my life together and my own place and a good job and I'm completely out of the toxic environment....I absolutely DO NOT want any part of it anymore.....and I know I deserve to live a healthy life and to choose not to have addiction in my life....but then why do I feel so terrible???

Thanks for listening.

finallyout

Kimmy, you feel terrible because you're human, because she's your mom. But what you did wasn't that terrible. Shes a grown woman who should be able to take care of herself and have her own place to live without trying to take advantage of her daughter. I'm sorry that you feel guilty but you did the right thing for your own sanity. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it, no mother should make her daughter feel like that.

BigSis

((((Kimm)))) I am so sorry you had to deal with this. You did the right thing.

She is an adult - and should be behaving as one. At her age, she has a responsibility to take care of herself and provide you with a good example of how to live. But like most alcoholic/addict families.... it sounds like the roles have been reversed.

Even at her age, tho, she can still learn. Just as my children learned how to take care of themselves ONLY after I stopped caring for them in every way, so can your mom look inside and learn the same things.... once she runs out of folks who will rescue her.

I don't know where the feeling of guilt comes from - I know I've felt it, too. Lofty expectations we put on OURSELVES to be the "perfect" ...mom, wife, daughter, coworker, friend add to the mix, tho.

Your mom is in my prayers and I am sending loving thoughts of comfort for you as well.

teke

sorry that you are feeling bad, but i think that its your right to not want to be involved with addiction especially in your own home. i agree with the others, you have nothing to feel guilty about, they are in that position by choice, and its not your responsibility, you have nothing to feel guilty about. you do deserve to have a life of your own. still praying for all of you

Ann

I think you did the right thing too. We get to choose whether or not we want to participate in the chaos and choosing not to is usually a good sign of recovery.

Your mom has choices too, and she can continue to live like she is living or find a better path. You very well may have brought her closer to that better path.

Hugs

mooselips

ditto what Ann said.

Don't feel guilty, you absolutely, positively did the right thing.

Hugs,

parentrecovers

wise decision. and i understand how difficult it was to make. blessings, k

Kimm992

Thank you so much for all the kind words. It really does help a lot.

rozied

(((Oh Kimmy))),
Everyone here told u what is right. By the time someone is an adult it is time they were responsible for themselves.
Ann is so right when she said you might have helped your mom make better choices in the future..................you did the right thing.
Take Care,
Diane

marle

Just some hugs Kimmy, I agree you did the right thing. You took care of you, now let her take care of her. Marle

Lobo

((((Kimmy))))
What a hard place for your mom to put you in. I too think you did the right thing.
I know we always feel guilty for not helping them out when they need help. We do have choices and if it doesn't feel comfortable then you probably shouldn't do it. Someone is not going to be happy and it shouldn't be you.

Hugs.........Lo

Wascally Wabbit

I have an addict son. The manipulation and guilt trips only made me feel like it was me that was the problem. Well, I am the problem when I give in to the guilt.
When I don't give in, I put the blame right where it belongs: in his own lap.
It's time for him to be responsible for his own self. He's 29 yrs old for crying out loud!
What helps me in a "guilt trip crisis" is to ask myself if I truly want to get dragged into the never ending drama that the addict is surrounded with.
If I want to maintain my sanity, I had best say no. No matter how painful that NO is, it is only more painful when I say, "Well, ok..." I live to regret it usually.

The pain of watching loved ones destroy themselves can surely beat us down.
With the help here at SR, and other friends we meet at meetings, we can make it. We can be ok with the decisions we make concering our own welfare.
I know you feel bad. It gets better and better though, when you set boundaries for yourself and for the addict.
Take care of yourself today, and I wish you peace through the day.

carl250r

good for you!

i don't know if i could of done that. but i know that i would want to.

Lalaleah

I give you a huge pat on the back for setting a boundary and sticking to it! As hard as that is and as guilty as you feel right now, you should give yourself one too.


What you did was the hardest parrt about loving an addict, but you definitly put your own needs and life before the addict's, which is called taking care of yourself! BRAVO!

hope213

she the mom & you are the child,so to speak.. you did the right thing but i hate you had to do it.

Kimm992

Thanks a lot everyone. Your encouraging words really help.