at a loss

Old 05-14-2007, 06:03 AM
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at a loss

Im a little at aloss. Its been 5 weeks since Ah and I separated. ALl appearances say he is not doing well. powers off, water ect. Ive had no contact in over a week. His addict brother is fumbling with him. Neither have contacted anyone in their family ect and they have no friends.

At this point we are really not sure how they are surviving without ending up in jail, course addicts are resourceful this we know.

I have sad days and angry days but overall I try to not think about it. I pray constantly and focus on other things. MIL is at a loss, so consumed with grief. Says she prays too but she's so worried adn doesnt know how not to think about it.

Neither have ever been this bad. I think a lawful intervention will be the only thing to slow the damage but Im staying out of it. Trying to remember the pain of using has to be stronger than the pain of healing.

I wish I knew how to help MIL get resolved. She's fearful of buring another son or two, I feel that would be better than the state their living in now, am I wrong?

I just finished drafting a letter clearly outlining the cost of keeping that house and advising that a realtor will be stopping by in 10 days. Will they care, I dont know, but I figure warning them and advising the financial reasons is the most responsible, communicative adult way to do so.

ANy thoughts everyone?

I dont know how MIL can continue to think and worry and still function, I ahve to block it out
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Old 05-14-2007, 06:34 AM
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Hey girl. Been wondering how it is going. I am sorry this is happening to your, to your MIL and to them.

I think your letter sounds good. Make it official. Make it return receipt to be sure they get it. You will probably need them to leave b4 the house can be sold? Especially if they have no water, no lights and the bath facilities are.. well.. you know where this is going?

How to help your MIL would be to get her to some NarAnon or AlAnon meetings if she will go.

You are doing the right thing I think.. keeping your kids out of the Chaos. You are setting a fine example for them IMO.

(((( Cinder))))) Sending up prayers.
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Old 05-14-2007, 06:37 AM
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hey cinder, i agree that the letter is a good way to handle it. I too have had times when I felt that death would almost be a relief as opposed to the way he has been living. Of course how we'd feel if that actually happened is a whole other thing. But, no I don't think you're wrong at all, I think most of us have that way at some point or another. I am sorry that your MIL is having such a hard time, my MIL feels pretty much the same way, although unfortunately she still continues to enable (let him live there) which I hope she will eventually give up on, for her own sanity. As always you are in my prayers.
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Old 05-14-2007, 07:18 AM
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You will probably need them to leave b4 the house can be sold? Especially if they have no water, no lights and the bath facilities are.. well.. you know where this is going?
That cant happen unfortunately, legally I cant remove him. But I can be a pain in the butt.

So Ill get less than what I could, its about cutting losses.

I hada aha moment on the way in to work.
Im still in love with clean sober AH. However, he's dead, killed by addiction what's left is a shell not the person Im in love with.
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Old 05-14-2007, 07:50 AM
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Thanks Cass.
I do believe he could come to life again, but I cant be there until he's a productive individual. He's never ever been away from me when sober and even using and drunk I always heard from him, he always checked on our son. I feel so mixed about so much. I hate to ahve to sell the place he's living, but I have to, theyve had 5 weeks and only destroyed it more and paid nothing. When the sale does go through they will still have 30 days to get out and quite possible $1800 (his equitable rights) to start with. Its his choices.

For the time being the good person inside him is dead to me. I cant keep mourning, its no longer healthy
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Old 05-14-2007, 07:55 AM
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Me Again!

I know how painful all this is, but his actions need to have consequences. His actions are why he is living there. His actions are why he has no water or electric. His actions are why he is separated from you. His actions are why he is an addict and the clean guy you love is being suffocated by that.

His actions need to have consequences. Consequences may make life so difficult that he eventually gets sober. Part of those consequneces is losing his roof. Oh well. You did not do it, HE DID.

In the mean time you need to move forward (as you are obviously doing) and take your kids forward (as you are also doing).

Recovery is not easy for either the addict OR the no addict.
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Old 05-14-2007, 07:57 AM
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Hi Cinda... ((Hugs))

I am sorry you are going through this, and wish you did not have to.

I think your story is the place where spouses and moms differ a bit...

I think spouses of As can hang in there for a very long time... but they do so at INCREDIBLE cost -

loss of social support
loss of financial support
loss of physical support
loss of sexual support
loss of psychological support
loss of emotional support

That is a lot to give up while "waiting" for recovery. I am never surprised when a spouse says "I can't take it anymore". I believe them to the bottom of my soul.

When I first got into recovery, I remember saying... yeah, but at least you can divorce him!!!

So I may not be able to divorce my addict children, but while *I* am waiting, I have the support of a loving a partner and my friends and my sanity. In other words, I can "afford" to wait.

It doesn't make the pain any less, but it might explain how MIL can hang in there... she can because she can.

I hope by moving on you can regain the joy life is supposed to bring. To live a good life being the best person you know how. (((Cindarella Walks))) (remember, that's what I used to think your screen name said?
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Old 05-14-2007, 08:18 AM
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Cindi, I think the letter was good but what I was wondering if he would even read it at the state he may be in. Also what will happen when the realtor shows up and he is still there? Have you spoken about whats going on in the house with the realtor?

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Old 05-14-2007, 08:26 AM
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Hi Cinderella - don't have much to add, except that I'm also dealing with a MIL who's in such pain it hurts just to think about it. It's tough but I'm finding the best way for me to deal with the situation is for me to be there for her when I can, and to tell her when it's too much for me to be there for her when I can't take it anymore. After all, we're the two women who love my AH the most - we've got lots of the same worries and concerns and we can support each other when we need to. You're all in my thoughts and prayers - good luck.
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Old 05-14-2007, 08:28 AM
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I ahvent talked to a realtor yet. I will explain everything. Like I said I may go with several high risk investors taht will just flip the house.

My letter with be very matter of fact, treating him like a tenant. It will start my paper trail. He has rights to the property but very very little. There is no particular statute or case law here outlining this situation. Im getting ready to represent myself and file motions that have never been heard, sorta push the system if I may. Im familiar with the 2 family courts judges style, manner and rulings. While I may not be ready to file divorce, I ready to legally let go of some things. Its time to move forward. I cant sit back and let him live free and destroy in a home I bought 12 years ago for an investment with my trust fund. Its time to cut my losses and move forward.

What's took me so long? I cant stand for the thought of him being homeless, but its time to let that go, its his choices. MIL will likely no longert be my friend when I ahve both her sons thrown out on the street, but I cannot be worried about that. Together they will ahve 30 days to get money for another place. I think thats fair considering Ive seen both these guys make $1000 a week when they want to
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Old 05-14-2007, 08:43 AM
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let it grow!
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put your and children first - that is your priority. the rest of them - they'll figure it out.

blessings, k
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Old 05-14-2007, 09:31 AM
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Just wanted to add some hugs. I know it might not feel that way right now, but it sounds like you are doing great in "your" recovery.
Love, Barb
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Old 05-14-2007, 05:26 PM
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I'm no angel!
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You are doing what you have to do, for you, for your children. Your priorites are straight.

The letter is a good idea, I know what you are dealing with, Florida laws, are bahooie.

Sending hugs and support.

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Old 05-14-2007, 05:40 PM
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I am sorry this is happening to your and his mom. I don't know what else to say dear, except that you sound like a very strong person.
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Old 05-14-2007, 07:51 PM
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sorry about your mil, cinder. is there a way that you can offer her a meeting? i think that you are handling the situation so well. sounds like the letter that you are writing is the resposible way to handle it, at least you are still kind of giving them an option. sometimes no news can be good news, though we know what that might mean. keeping them in my prayers and you know that i'm praying for you, and the rest of the family
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Old 05-14-2007, 08:02 PM
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Wow, the changes that I have seen in you since you were first here are incredible. You seem to be getting stronger every day, even though sometimes it may not seem like it to you. I agree that it is time to let the chips fall where they may. You are giving him an opportunity to find another place while salvaging what is rightfully yours. My prayers are with you. Hugs, Marle
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