Old 05-13-2007, 09:19 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 11

I am not sure if I am confused about my situation because I am still emotionally involved in it and it is so recent but I often question what is it that lead me to believe that my ex ab was actually addicted.
I guess in my mind because his drug of choice was pot, I feel like I have to justify my feelings to myself! I mean, I have read some of your posts (bless you all) and he was not smoking crack or shooting up so I am somehow inclined to think that it is not as harmful... Is it not the doc that matters but the behavior around it?
I was talking to a new friend last night and he just happened to bring up a friend of his that was addicted to pot when they were in college. Eventually, I shared my story of my ex ab with him and we got into a little bit of a philosophical discussion about what actually constitutes addiction. I spoke of compulsive behavior, not being able to go a day without it, a refusal to have a dialogue about it... It made me think.
Then we spoke of what addiction might actually stem from... does the person necessarily use their doc to run away from some past or present experience(s)/feeling(s) they cannot handle or can an addiction just rise out of a loss of control over some substance you thought you could handle?
I guess that I just always believed that if your self-esteem and your ability to cope with yourself and your life was at a certain level, you probably wouldn't have to lean on a crutch everyday... be it gambling, sex, coke or heroin. With my ex ab, I just went by my gut... he is so talented in so many ways yet he chooses pot everyday, coasting by in school and a career as a waiter... and oh yeah, he let me go because I challenged him to do more with his life!
The thing is, I second-guess myself on the approach I took because he is so functional so maybe in some way I distorted reality. He wasn't broke, he has a roof over his head and he could always support himself. But my heart was telling me that he was running from some sort of pain in his life that kept him from wanting better for himself and more for us.
How do I reassure myself that I made the right call?
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Old 05-13-2007, 09:55 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Peora, AZ
Posts: 172
I think you just did. I believe in the "addictive" personality. And in a lot of cases, drugs or alcohol are used to "cope" with life. Someone doing pot, in my mind, is no different than a drunk or an addict. And if you want more out of life & he doesn't, then it won't work. If your gut told you something was wrong...go with it. Read up on addiction. My ex started years ago on pot. And it lead to crack. He started out functioning. He had everything he wanted. He was on top of the world. Then the drugs slowly but surely brought him to the gutter. He threw away his potential. He threw away his future. He threw away a woman he'd waited 16 years to have in his life. All because drugs & booze were the most important thing in his life. It took him about 18 years to end up in prison & lose it all to drugs. He came out. Started a new life. Ended up right back where he started & at 43 he has nothing of his own. Just a few clothes. For everything else he has to rely on someone else.

Is that what you want your life to be?

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Old 05-14-2007, 05:32 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518

I think we can bet our lives on the fact that our emotional involvement will color our perception of the situation. You left me a very wise insight on your last response to my post that described distance in order to gain perspective.

You are so right. It is not the drug of choice- it IS the behavior behind it that matters. When I first came here- I was urged to consider the question that there is NO guarentee that he will ever change-- can I accept this behavior from him all of my life?

A resounding No.
I am codependent by nature- just the way I evolved and I am 24years old. Without substances I have still become unheathily attached to a person so their absence from my life is something I read as an inadequacy in me. Frequently I get this feeling entangled with the FACT that abf is an addict and he will do what addicts will do and it does not reflect anything on my part.

Truthfully, the addiction has brought me to my knees. The self-esteem and self-worth that I fought for prior to meeting him has erroded to the point of nonexistent.
I do not believe I deserve better- this is my illness.

To answer your question of what addiction arises out of- I think there are many things that can serve as an impetus. I know for many that addiction and drug usage has just become so hardwired- so wrapped up in their identity that they could not imagine dealing with the world being sober.
I have come to hte conclusion- despite what he says because of COURSE he denies it- that abf is one of those individuals who cannot handle reality, who equates being sober with an excruciating pain and that he would much rather live his life coping this way than deal with the daunting task of throwing himself into recovery.
Sadly, our addicts BELIEVE that their way of coping is serving them well.

It is NORMAL to second guess yourself. You've read my posts- I am constantly going back-and-forth between who is right and who is wrong.
Yes, you think he can be so many things. But as I've said before and I've said again- someone on here reminded me that what I see today of my abf is the ONLY thing I am ever guarenteed to have. Everyone has potential to be many things - but the best indicator of the future is the past.

We get so wrapped up in the insanity of understanding addiction. For me I keep trying to accept that it's not about me.
You made the right choice of deciding that this is not what you want. You deserve a healthy relationship that is 50/50 - someone who can appreciate you and believe in you and help you towards any dreams and goals you have. An addict can never FULLY do these things- my bf (At times) was also a functioning addict- that is what made this time such a hard fall. I feel he could control his usage for a moment and than it got out of control again and all he wanted to do was be by himself and see me when he wanted to see me and spend the rest of his time isolating and being MIA getting high.
Not to say that I am still not distrusting myself- because I do, often- but I am trying to trust that I KNOW what recovery looks like and that my gut does not lie to me.
You're doing the right thing.
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Old 05-14-2007, 05:51 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
You did the right thing. Sounds like (to me) that there were other issues at hand than the pot smoking---that was just another straw. DOC's like cocaine and opiates are different in the fact that they change the receptors in your brain (see my previous posts for a detailed description), and in that respect are much much harder addiction to break. Alcohol is a whole 'nother ball of wax that for it to create dependency depends on the person and their genetic make-up. To stop smoking pot usually just results in a slight headache and maybe a bit of irritability the same way that stopping caffeine does. The main thing about pot smoking, when one is using like your ex was is, that it does exactly what you found irritating: it creates lethargy, unwillingness to work, lack of motiviation, etc. I think that is the main problem. It is hard to move forward with life when one is wrapped in a haze.
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