It just hurts
 

Gosh - I feel like a whining child.

This seperation, break-up - whatever it is, hurts deeply. I have been trying to keep myself positive, but it's very difficult.
I know I can't make him better.
I know I am powerless.
I know he is an addict- I know what addicts do.

But, it still hurts.
I still miss him- the him that use to take care of me and would do anything for me. I think what hurts so much is that he acted like himself for about two weeks before I REALLY could see that he was relapsing and all the signs came.

I know it hurts so badly because I am codependent.
I would rather be angry than feel this way. Anger I feel at least seems to make me less emotional and more empowered.

Accepting that there is nothing I can do and that I must repair myself is bringing sadness, because I know I don't know how to right now. I know I need to recover myself.

I guess I am just looking for some kind words.

Give yourself time. Believe me, you will find your way, day by day. I know how hard it is. I was married for 31 years. I know the hurt. It is incredible and at times almost unbearable. It is like my nephew said, "Don't stand in the quick sand." No, you can't make him better but you can save yourself. Peace is priceless.

It takes time. SOme days your okay and then bam out of nowhere you feel the pain again. Thats why its so important to give yourself time and not rush into anything. Take one day at a time and try to find something else to think about.

I wish I had more inspiration that what has already been said, but it's true.
Time goes by. You feel better you really will.
You'll start living again, and without addiction.
I have hurt like you're hurting and I got through it. I know what you mean about the guy who would have done anything for you, loved you etc. That was my ex a
now, he is a completely different person all thanks to drug addiction.

Thank you all.
I just feel very lonely right now and despite the fact that he is an addict, I do miss him- when he's straight. Why is it that our minds filter out the bad at times and only seem to highlight the good- even if they were far and few between?

I am trying to redirect all of my thoughts to something I can do for me, but am realizing that in all honesty repairing this part of me is going to be really hard.
Everything seems to trigger me into a sad, sobbering whirlwind.

Some moments I am strong and take the position: "he is an addict. there is nothing I can do. I deserve better in my life. he can only recover if he chooses to."

Other moments I feel desperation- and this shames me in a sense, because I know he is troubled, yet I still feel I need him. That somehow this choosing not to admit he has relapsed reflects on his love for me and how much he values our relationship.

I am trying to fight the feelings that I do not deserve this.

Heather
All good advice before me.I think with me, it took a long time be me to develop these feelings I have about my addict. Those feelings will not go away overnight and I shouldn't expect them to. I know it is hard, but give yourself some time. Things will change.
Keep posting and get those feelings out. They are what they are. You are human and will feel the pain. I wish I could take the pain away, but it is part of the process of recovery.
Just know there will be better days ahead.
One day at a time.
Hugs to you
Terri

I read somewhere that for every year you are together, it takes about three months of healing. If you think about it, it sounds like it may be true. When my first boyfriend broke up with me I was 20. I was sure that life was over and wanted to die. In fact I made a suicide attempt. The next boyfriend I was with for almost 5 years and planned on marrying him. When we broke up, I knew from my past experience that I would make it. I dreaded the pain, but I realized the only way out was through. I know that pain is not very pleasant. Just look at an addict. Most use to not feel pain. But we codies must work through it without the help of a substance. I know that it is so trite, but time is what you need right now. Sending some prayers that your good days will multiply until the bad ones are only a memory. Hugs, Marle

It seems that you and I are in the same boat on the same crappy river. Ugghh... it is not a peaceful ride, I know.
I blame myself too... I wanted to be the impetus for his change. I wanted my leaving the relationship to be too much for him to bear causing him to breakdown and do whatever it took to make me stay... I think he probably just smoked a bowl instead. I try to explain all the rational reasons to myself about why that did not happen but my heart refuses to understand. I look forward to the passing of time so that I may truly gain some much needed perspective.
However, in the now, I am also longing for a phone call, another e-mail (they are our only communication and they are few and far between), some sign that life is sour without me. That he realizes the error of his ways and he is ready to step up to the plate. That has actually happened before... we had been apart for a LONG time and he approached me with apologies and the grand gesture I had been dreaming about.
I suspect, given the nature of your relationship, that you may have been on and off as well. In another post you mention having this kind of hope and I think that it is okay to keep hope alive.
Having said that, do not delude yourself with illusions about who he is or might have become overnight. I just mean that if you guys have a past that includes being together, separating and then coming back together, you have every reason to believe that history may repeat itself. It may seem as though that hope may prove to be dangerous as it can soothe you one moment and then disappoint you the next if things don't play out the way you would like them to. Just don't beat yourself up for holding onto hope for someone who you care about and love... it is natural and it just means that you love him deeply. If it does happen, just be honest with yourself about what you are willing to deal with. The suffering that you are enduring right now (without him) is not for nothing so draw your boundaries and commit to them.

Wow, I think Helene1 summed up my life in a paragraph. I knew my ex years ago. Went separate ways. Came back together 16 years later. (He had been clean & sober for 3 years at that time & said he felt that he was NOW worthy of my love). He relapsed 3 years later & the next 4 years were in & out of jail, in & out of rehabs...you know. A few years ago I gave him a choice..."us" or drugs. I was devastated when it looked like he chose drugs. But 5 months later he was clean, sober & wanted "us" again. He relapsed again. On July 23, 2005 I gave him the choice again.."us" or drugs. He again chose drugs. And I knew history would most likely repeat itself. The difference. I couldn't take the pain of him relapsing again. So, 3 months later, I moved 2,000 miles away...so I would NOT give in again. I've heard from him 3 times since I left. All 3 were really, really ugly & hurt a lot. I still have days where I wonder....how could he choose drugs & beer over "us". How could he throw away everything we had to go back to a low-class, loser, lifestyle...with people I wouldn't give the time of day to??

My therapist said it best. Fantasy is....he'll come through that door some day & we'll have our life back. Reality is.....he's an addict & unless he truly finds recovery...I'll never see him again.

As you learn more about addiction....you'll realize that drugs will win Every time. They are so much more powerful than any person on earth. Sometimes I think crack is the devil's drug itself.

By the way, it does get better.

Lynne

I really understand where you are coming from. I just separated from my AH and now he's in rehab. Every minute feelsl torture at times, wanting to call him, hear his voice, or just know he's here. But since he's in rehab, I can't call him anyway! (Which I'm sure is a good thing for me).

My AH has been absolutely horrible the past 8 months and especially the past two weeks. I still have that filter on where I'm only remembering the good stuff too! I just really miss him and I hate being a single mom. Even though there's a really large possibility we are going to split up for good, it seems my brain is having a hard time accepting that.

He went to rehab for six months once and I remember that these feelings DO get easier. The first few weeks are the hardest, adapting to a new routine. Right now everything I see reminds me of him, including a trip to the grocery store when I had to force myself not to buy his favorite foods. I am hoping that I feel stronger by the time he gets out, so I can make the best decision for ME without basing it on the fear of losing him.

Hugs and love!

stay strong--every day it will get easier...((HUGS)))

Hugs and prayers. Hang in there - it's hard but you can make it - many here have and flourished!

There is living proof.

:hug:

Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement.

It's sad, but about a month ago I was ahead. I felt like I had made some progress of the disentangling, but then when he got clean for two weeks I regressed and did not maintain the boundaries I should have.

I became more and more lax about what I "Expected" out of him which now I am beginning to realize was merely another form of control. I'm just not getting this "letting go of control" stuff.

I really get caught up in the "stinking thinking" & tunnel vision of this. I become so trapped by emotional pain to the point that I cannot see an horizon and of course I try avoiding that pain by keeping denial alive and well- calling, trying to reach out to get some morsel of hope.

Hard to trust the process if you're just learning to trust yourself for the first time in your life. If I keep holding on to the "Just for today" I will focus on me and not base my life around him- I think I can do well, but sometimes it gets exhausting repeating that mantra.

recovery is all about practice, i think. so keep repeating your mantra! blessings, k

Whew...this stuff is tough, but it's comforting to know that we're not alone. I just found out 2 weeks ago that my BF (now ex) is using. It explained a lot about our relationship's erratic highs and lows. I wish that I could say that I left because of my principles, but truly I left because his using affected us and our relationship, and his drug-induced hazed doesn't allow him to see it. It's heartbreaking to see him throw something so precious away. I couldn't take that up-close pain and rejection any longer. It was making me anxious, nervous and physically ill. I spoke with him on Friday and he said that he was experiencing some "uncertainty" about our relationship anyway and that I can't blame our demise on drugs. Maybe. Funny that he never expressed that to me before all of this. I think that he's realized that he can't have us both (drugs and me) so he's chosen drugs and made an excuse for it. I guess that I should consider myself lucky that I'm not with a person who is making empty promises in an attempt to hold on to me. My guy would rather not be bothered-- probably so that he can feed his addiction in peace. Man, that hurts.

addicts/alcoholics will choose the drugs/bottle every time - until they find recovery.

blessings, k