HKAngel24

Well... amazing how I can claim I'm officially "done" and then STILL continue to engage in my self-defeating behaviors.
I am still very much addicted to my addict.

Still called him- wailing- asking him why he does not care about our relationship. Logically I know that when he is using he does not care about anything but maintaining his high.
This is still very hard for me to accept.
I think I'm still very much in denial about who IS/WAS...
The fact that he may have never been who I thought he was and may have never been clean during our near 2 year relationship is devestating to me- but it seems something my mind cannot accept.

I find myself still wanting to call him when I was upset.

I just want to "Get it."
The acceptance of the disease and that there is nothing I can do and that he will need to choose recovery on his own, but most importantly that I have to let him fall to his knees.
I mean the man is still telling me that he isn't using drugs. That I've f'ed the whole relationship up.
That everything was going fine until I freaked out over his "pupils."

I feel stuck.

Today I said - I love you very much and I want to be with you but please do not call me until your working a recovery program.

I have to fight the urge to give in and contact him. I need to focus on me and not keeping worrying about him, what he's doing, who he's with etc.

Sunflower

so will you call him again?

marle

Heather, Just like the addict has relapses, so do we. Don't beat yourself up over it. Many times I told my daughter that this is the last time, only to end up calling her and starting it all over again. Right now I am doing good and keeping my "no contact until you are ready to get help" boundary. But tomorrow may be a different story. You did what you needed to do for yourself today. One day at a time. That is all that you can do. Hugs, Marle

patchoulli

You have choices. If you can live with things the way they are, call him. He isn't gonna change, you will have to accept the drugs and behaviors[lying, stealing, weirdness], or you can decide you deserve so much more than this[peace of mind and serenity]. I loved my Keith, I still do, but now I am starting to feel peace, the craziness[I didn't even know he was using til he OD'd], was so insidious that I thought he was depressed, my life was horrible and I didn't even realize how bad things had become. best wishes no matter what you decide..

teke

sending you lots of hugs and prayers

HKAngel24

Thank you.
I'm really trying to be aware of every thought I have about him and redirect it to something about ME.
It's been so long since I deemed myself worthy of my own attention (if ever?) I've been looking outside myself- my entire life trying to find something to "complete" me -- I'm realizing that only I can fit that other piece in and it believing I am worthy and deserving- it's the personal empowerment and belief I've only ever had for moments.

I am trying to REALLY practice the "One day at a time" -- thinking about how I'm going to get over him or how much pain I will be in or how I am not sure I can feel this way about anyone else- makes the whole thing so incredibly overwhelming.

I had become so sick -- making up lies so that he would pay attention me and try to snap him out of this.
Not gonna happen.
Acceptance of this is difficult at best.

Somewhere inside me I'll still hoping for a change- in my heart I suppose since my mind really does know that this stuff just continues over and over again...