Ups and downs
 

Well... from the solid ground I arrived on last night and back again...

Hmm... I KNOW that engaging with the addict is a one-way ticket to crazy-ville -- it steals from me the minutia of serenity I have weasled out of a rocky past few days.

I seriously think - as sick as it sounds- that I've become accustomed to the drama. In it's absence I am wiht myself which is new and clearly uncomfortable so I choose to engage in the known dramatics with the addict for a rationale unbeknownst to me.

I've been working on altering my thinking from viewing myself as the muck on the bottom of someone's shoe to an actual living, breathing human who is entitled to things in life. The addict has us thinking that they are the one who the world revolves around and we are the defective counterpart that is only there aid them in their survival. Nothing can solely belong to us because our lives are wrapped around them.

Last night a 4 year Al-Anon veteran told me that when she came she couldn't answer any of the favorite questions - What's your favorite color? What's your favorite movie? Music? Hobbies?
She said that when someone asked her this she balked in awe - Am I suppose to know who I am and what I like??

The place I'm at right now is what I initally want to call lonely- the absence of distraction though is what I think it really feels like.
I feel very sad.
Even when I'm engaging in the token obsessive behavior - repeated calls. I spew something. He hangs up. I call right back. He is short with me then hangs up on me. I call back again. He doesn't answer. I keep calling back like a mental patient off her meds, dialing compulsively. It IS a true obsession that I give into even when I KNOW the outcome/results will leave me with nothing but anger at myself.

I often feel that when I ENGAGE in the addict's mess that I am erasing all the work I've done. It makes me feel very.... defeated.
I've also come to another discovery within myself- I am REALLY, REALLY trying to be aware of what I am doing FOR ME and what i am doing that is actually manipulation.

See, times before when I've called the addict out on his behavior. I'd done so with the hopes that he'd change... that he'd see he was going to lose me and he's have some epiphany about the error of his ways and become fully committed to turning his life around. It's ery difficult for me now to let go of the outcome of me moving on. I know I haven't fully yet- released all expectations and moved ahead.


I gotta LET GO and LET GOD....
I gotta TAKE MY HANDS out of this muck and stop trying to force recovery or a reaction that makes ME feel better.
Keeping my hands to myself also means keeping the focus on me.
There is no need for me to giving him advice. Not only does he probably not deserve it but in doing this I am harming myself - that is time and energy that is better spent focusing on ME and what I can do for MY recovery.

I gotta LET GO and LET GOD....

yes, you do. let go and find peace, k

still praying for ya,

I can honestly say that after a while you will find peace in living without the drama and you will find ways to direct your excess energy towards things that will fulfill your life, not the life you once had. It really is all a step by step process. It took me six months to finally truly feel contentment and comfortable in my own skin and in my own world. I'm still going through my self discovery and awareness stage.

I know how the 4 year Al-Anon veteran felt. I once, early in my divorce filing, stood in front of the many many varieties of butter in the dairy aisle for a 1/2 hour. Butter is usually something that people just grab and go. My mom broke me out of my dazed confusion. She asked, "What are you doing??" I turned to her, my eyes getting watery, and said, "I don't know which butter I like." I bought AH's brand of butter for so long, but was never particularly crazy about it, that I really had no clue about something that simple.

Good news is...we do get past all of that and we do become stronger from the experience. Just keep working on healing yourself.