Newbie to SR
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: StateOfConfusion,TN
Posts: 5
Newbie to SR
I found this site today as I was once again searching online for some magical cure for crack addiction (yes I do know there isn't one unfortunately). My AH has been using for the last 30 years, he is 53 and I have been with him off and on for almost the last 25 years give or take, but we have been together steadily these last 16 years and he has been using/bingeing throughout all of this time. He continues to hold down a job, he travels with the line of work he is in, he is a functioning addict, how he has managed this is beyond me but he has, I am a nurse and am not working at present due to shoulder injury and 2 shoulder surgeries and the need for a third, so he is the one with the paycheck.
He doesn't handle our finances, his check goes into my checking account direct deposit and I put his per diem in a reserve account so that he has money to live on while on the road. He has been using again since about April the 14th. I have been with him for so long that I know all of the signs even though I may not be face to face with him. I can hear it in the sound of his voice, I can tell by the constant sniffling and him blaming it on the motel room air conditioner, by the things that he says, the crack cough, these are just signs without seeing him.
He came home around the end of April and of course I could see the cracked lips (he blamed it on the wind burn from being on top of the tower), the burnt fingertips, the rash on his arms and stomach (typical crack rash), puffy eyes with deep circles under them, he had lost some weight (which he needed to do but not by the method which caused it, he is still a big guy), he was very irritable, anxious, & suffered from bouts of insomnia or else he would sleep the day and night away.
I have been down to where he is three times now in the last week & 1/2, once uninvited & twice invited, left there all three times on bad terms so to speak. Just got home from there this past Sunday night & I havent spoken to him since. He had been very very irritable this last visit because he hadn't been using and of course I got this attitude according to him & it made him mad & so I ended up leaving Sunday because I am not putting up with his crap attitude. I guess he is waiting for me to call him but that is not happening, he can sit there & think about his actions & worry about what the consequences could be this time.
He hasn't been getting high, (two of our 5 boys work with him), I talk to them daily & nightly. I have decided that I am going to start going to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings for myself, there are no meetings going on tonight as I have already checked into the schedules, I may go to both since he does have duel addictions. He has to help himself, I can't do it anymore, I love him, the person he is when he is not bingeing but I do not like the person he becomes when he uses. His addiction has become my addiction without me ever using and it is not healthy and I know it. I know that I am an enabler & a co-dependent & I know longer want to play that role, sadly enough it has taken me being unable to work for almost a year now that I have come to that decision. I know that a lot of it has to do with me not being able to throw myself into my work but it must be God's plan or it wouldn't have happened this way.
I am tired of covering for him with his family, they don't have a clue, only a niece whom I told just back in March, we're close & I know that she won't say anything. I did tell him that I would call his sisters and tell them exactly what has been going on because I was tired of it. They live in another state so they have no idea whatsoever what he has actually been doing all these years as far as drug use. I truly feel that it is his place to tell them but I don't see that happening so I am to the point that they need to know & whether it come from him or me is resting entirely on his shoulders, if it comes from me then it wil come in the form of an intervention which he will not like but hey so what.....I have to deal with a lot of things that I don't like so he will just have to get over it when it does occur.
I refuse to call him & the boys keep asking me have I called him or have I talked to him & I have had to tell them no, they are worried that I am going to leave (more so because I got my passport & my 17yo's passport a few months ago & had no particular place in mind to go other than I would have them ready if I chose to use them). I can disappear with the best of them & I don't even use drugs, that is sad I know but it is the truth. I don't give into him like I use to in the past & have just come to the point that it needs to be about me and not him, I can't fix him or change him but I can change me & I am responsible for my actions, be them good or bad & I have to suffer the consequences of them and now I have to let him do that on his own as well. I have spent the day reading the different posts and I feel for each & every one of you, I have been there & done that & still doing it, for some reason I have yet to reach my breaking point but it may be just around the corner, it is something even I can't predict, I just have to learn to give it totally to God and go on & take care of myself. Well thanks for listening to me, I feel better knowing that there are others out there like me who understand what I am going through because they are there too or have been there in the past.
He doesn't handle our finances, his check goes into my checking account direct deposit and I put his per diem in a reserve account so that he has money to live on while on the road. He has been using again since about April the 14th. I have been with him for so long that I know all of the signs even though I may not be face to face with him. I can hear it in the sound of his voice, I can tell by the constant sniffling and him blaming it on the motel room air conditioner, by the things that he says, the crack cough, these are just signs without seeing him.
He came home around the end of April and of course I could see the cracked lips (he blamed it on the wind burn from being on top of the tower), the burnt fingertips, the rash on his arms and stomach (typical crack rash), puffy eyes with deep circles under them, he had lost some weight (which he needed to do but not by the method which caused it, he is still a big guy), he was very irritable, anxious, & suffered from bouts of insomnia or else he would sleep the day and night away.
I have been down to where he is three times now in the last week & 1/2, once uninvited & twice invited, left there all three times on bad terms so to speak. Just got home from there this past Sunday night & I havent spoken to him since. He had been very very irritable this last visit because he hadn't been using and of course I got this attitude according to him & it made him mad & so I ended up leaving Sunday because I am not putting up with his crap attitude. I guess he is waiting for me to call him but that is not happening, he can sit there & think about his actions & worry about what the consequences could be this time.
He hasn't been getting high, (two of our 5 boys work with him), I talk to them daily & nightly. I have decided that I am going to start going to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings for myself, there are no meetings going on tonight as I have already checked into the schedules, I may go to both since he does have duel addictions. He has to help himself, I can't do it anymore, I love him, the person he is when he is not bingeing but I do not like the person he becomes when he uses. His addiction has become my addiction without me ever using and it is not healthy and I know it. I know that I am an enabler & a co-dependent & I know longer want to play that role, sadly enough it has taken me being unable to work for almost a year now that I have come to that decision. I know that a lot of it has to do with me not being able to throw myself into my work but it must be God's plan or it wouldn't have happened this way.
I am tired of covering for him with his family, they don't have a clue, only a niece whom I told just back in March, we're close & I know that she won't say anything. I did tell him that I would call his sisters and tell them exactly what has been going on because I was tired of it. They live in another state so they have no idea whatsoever what he has actually been doing all these years as far as drug use. I truly feel that it is his place to tell them but I don't see that happening so I am to the point that they need to know & whether it come from him or me is resting entirely on his shoulders, if it comes from me then it wil come in the form of an intervention which he will not like but hey so what.....I have to deal with a lot of things that I don't like so he will just have to get over it when it does occur.
I refuse to call him & the boys keep asking me have I called him or have I talked to him & I have had to tell them no, they are worried that I am going to leave (more so because I got my passport & my 17yo's passport a few months ago & had no particular place in mind to go other than I would have them ready if I chose to use them). I can disappear with the best of them & I don't even use drugs, that is sad I know but it is the truth. I don't give into him like I use to in the past & have just come to the point that it needs to be about me and not him, I can't fix him or change him but I can change me & I am responsible for my actions, be them good or bad & I have to suffer the consequences of them and now I have to let him do that on his own as well. I have spent the day reading the different posts and I feel for each & every one of you, I have been there & done that & still doing it, for some reason I have yet to reach my breaking point but it may be just around the corner, it is something even I can't predict, I just have to learn to give it totally to God and go on & take care of myself. Well thanks for listening to me, I feel better knowing that there are others out there like me who understand what I am going through because they are there too or have been there in the past.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, Haunted Heart, I'm so glad you found us.
Sadly, there is nothing we can do to stop the addiction, but we can stop the madness that we get from dealing with it and it sounds to me like you've already made a good start by deciding to go to meetings.
Stick around, many others will come to welcome you also, and know that we are walking with you and understand.
Hugs
Sadly, there is nothing we can do to stop the addiction, but we can stop the madness that we get from dealing with it and it sounds to me like you've already made a good start by deciding to go to meetings.
Stick around, many others will come to welcome you also, and know that we are walking with you and understand.
Hugs
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, sorry that you had to come here but so glad you did, welcome to sr.
i'm sorry but reading your story kind of made me smile, tell you why. yours story sounds so much like mine. the addict in my life is my hubby of 21 yrs, off and on. seperated more off than on and he's been addicted the whole marriage. i've been a married single mom raising 7 kids, more single mom than anything. i know exactly how you feel and like you i've decided to take care of me, and let him figure his own way out. my husband has managed to work but never at the same job for very long. he's been in and out of rehab, jail and full circle back again and again and it don't get better, it gets worse but you can get better even if he don't.
i too have a neck and back injury and i can't work now. like i said, your story sounds like mine and i'm sorry that you are going through so much.
you sound like you have already gotten well off in to your recovery. when i first came here, i was so crazy, didnt know what was real and what was not. you've come to a good place, these caring people have been sanity savers for me. keep posting and reading. keeping you and your family in my prayers
i'm sorry but reading your story kind of made me smile, tell you why. yours story sounds so much like mine. the addict in my life is my hubby of 21 yrs, off and on. seperated more off than on and he's been addicted the whole marriage. i've been a married single mom raising 7 kids, more single mom than anything. i know exactly how you feel and like you i've decided to take care of me, and let him figure his own way out. my husband has managed to work but never at the same job for very long. he's been in and out of rehab, jail and full circle back again and again and it don't get better, it gets worse but you can get better even if he don't.
i too have a neck and back injury and i can't work now. like i said, your story sounds like mine and i'm sorry that you are going through so much.
you sound like you have already gotten well off in to your recovery. when i first came here, i was so crazy, didnt know what was real and what was not. you've come to a good place, these caring people have been sanity savers for me. keep posting and reading. keeping you and your family in my prayers
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: StateOfConfusion,TN
Posts: 5
Ann thanks. I am so glad that I found this site, I am sure that it is going to be a great help. I have realized for years now that I can't change the fact that he is an addict but I did nothing to help myself other than work all of the time and then schedule time for the kids & their activities, in a sense I became as sick as he is but just in a different way. I just have to remember to take it in baby steps & before I know I will be off & running again.
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Welcome to SR. I am also from Tennessee (northeast). Your story sounds eerily familiar to me.....I have been where you are and I am so sorry that you are going through the pain. I hate drugs!
I just filed for divorce on March 2 after 25 years of marriage. My AH is also 53. His current DOC is opiates, but he has used many different drugs, and alcohol, over the years. He has grown so accustomed to lies and manipulation that I honestly don't think he knows that he is doing it anymore. It is just his way of life. I can't believe a single thing that he says. I just got to the point that I didn't care one way or the other about him anymore; he had hurt me all that he could and I had to take control of my own life and the life of my youngest son before it was too late.
I have three sons, ages 24, 19, and 10. The oldest is married to a wonderful young lady and they are expecting my grandaughter in just five weeks! *grin*
We recently closed the business that has been our sole source of support for our entire marriage. It was a very successful wholesale/retail sporting goods store. We were in partnership with another couple, and they got sick and tired of my AH not working and still collecting half the proceeds, so they just politely liquidated everything. I don't blame them at all.
My oldest son, who graduated from UT in 2005 with a business degree, found financial backing and bought out the business and has reopened it.
Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and welcome. You will find this to be a wonderful place with a wealth of information and support.
Welcome to the family!
I just filed for divorce on March 2 after 25 years of marriage. My AH is also 53. His current DOC is opiates, but he has used many different drugs, and alcohol, over the years. He has grown so accustomed to lies and manipulation that I honestly don't think he knows that he is doing it anymore. It is just his way of life. I can't believe a single thing that he says. I just got to the point that I didn't care one way or the other about him anymore; he had hurt me all that he could and I had to take control of my own life and the life of my youngest son before it was too late.
I have three sons, ages 24, 19, and 10. The oldest is married to a wonderful young lady and they are expecting my grandaughter in just five weeks! *grin*
We recently closed the business that has been our sole source of support for our entire marriage. It was a very successful wholesale/retail sporting goods store. We were in partnership with another couple, and they got sick and tired of my AH not working and still collecting half the proceeds, so they just politely liquidated everything. I don't blame them at all.
My oldest son, who graduated from UT in 2005 with a business degree, found financial backing and bought out the business and has reopened it.
Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and welcome. You will find this to be a wonderful place with a wealth of information and support.
Welcome to the family!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: StateOfConfusion,TN
Posts: 5
Dolly thanks. I am looking forward to going to my first meeting which will be tomorrow, a little nervous but I wil be ok. Thanks for the encouragement, it is greatly appreciated.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: StateOfConfusion,TN
Posts: 5
Marian, I am going to my first meeting tomorrow and I just know that it is going to make a difference in my life, knowing that I am not alone in this seems to lift some of the weight off of my shoulders. Thanks
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
HauntedHeart, Welcome to SR. My 20 year old daughter is my addict. Lives with her 37 year old crack addict boyfriend. I have been dealing with her addiction for a little over 2 years. I can't imagine doing it for 30. You have a lot to deal with. Kick back and take a load off and join us here. A lot of really good people who will give you support, experience and understanding. Hugs, Marle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: StateOfConfusion,TN
Posts: 5
Teke,
I can totally relate to what you said about being married but a single mom raising kids, we have 5 boys ages 25,24,21,19 & 17. He has always traveled with his work, a rarity for him to work in a town that we lived in so that he could come home every night. He's been in and out of rehab & jail (drug & alcohol related offenses), it has been about 12 years since the last time he went to rehab, not so lucky with the jail though, it has only been a little over a year and the case is still pending luckily for us since he is the only one of us working at the present, he even kept his job after that incident & they knew what the charges were, I was surprised but very grateful. He has managed to hold down his job even when he would get himself in trouble but we managed because I had become this workaholic that lived in constant fear of having no money to pay bills,buy groceries, take care of the kids, & it was my escape from the madness of my home life and nobody where I worked ever had a clue as to what it was really like. I have to get myself better because if I don't do it no one else can, AH can't keep himself together much less help me get myself together. It is not an easy life living with an addict, no stability or predictability, always utter chaos.
I hate not being able to work right now but hopefully in time that will change in time, I guess working gave me a part of my sense of identity & I am at a loss for the time being and just trying to find my way back.
Thanks for the encouragement & understanding, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I can totally relate to what you said about being married but a single mom raising kids, we have 5 boys ages 25,24,21,19 & 17. He has always traveled with his work, a rarity for him to work in a town that we lived in so that he could come home every night. He's been in and out of rehab & jail (drug & alcohol related offenses), it has been about 12 years since the last time he went to rehab, not so lucky with the jail though, it has only been a little over a year and the case is still pending luckily for us since he is the only one of us working at the present, he even kept his job after that incident & they knew what the charges were, I was surprised but very grateful. He has managed to hold down his job even when he would get himself in trouble but we managed because I had become this workaholic that lived in constant fear of having no money to pay bills,buy groceries, take care of the kids, & it was my escape from the madness of my home life and nobody where I worked ever had a clue as to what it was really like. I have to get myself better because if I don't do it no one else can, AH can't keep himself together much less help me get myself together. It is not an easy life living with an addict, no stability or predictability, always utter chaos.
I hate not being able to work right now but hopefully in time that will change in time, I guess working gave me a part of my sense of identity & I am at a loss for the time being and just trying to find my way back.
Thanks for the encouragement & understanding, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. haunted heart.i am glad you are here.there is alot here for you to read.read the stickys at the top of the forum.my addict is my son.he has been on crack for15 yrs now & i have been in recovery for only the past 3.it is a terrible road,he has been in prison for the pass 12 on & off due to crack.keep coming back.we have all been where you are.our stories are different but alike.prayers are being said for you & your family.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((HauntedHeart))) There is a lot to learn about addiction... yep, even tho you might be an expert in some areas already (smile). I hope you can find some meetings that fit your schedule. Alanon saved my life...literally.
Keep posting, keep reading... know you are in our thoughts and prayers. It can get better....((hugs))
Keep posting, keep reading... know you are in our thoughts and prayers. It can get better....((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
welcome to SR, haunted heart!
You are definitely among friends here...
I too was married to an addict...We were married for 8 years and he developed a heroin addiction about 1/2 way into our marriage. We have an 8 yr old little boy. Addiction destroys anything and everything that should be sacred in marriage. So much heartache and fear...
I am sorry that addiction has affected you so deeply. You are definitely among people who 'get it'. I've learned alot about addiction and how to protect myself from its effects here at SR but the biggest blessing by far about this site has been that I stopped feeling so all alone. I used to feel like no one could possibly understand what I was going thru...or how I felt...until I found SR. Although our relationship with the addict might be different (whether we are a parent, significant other, friend, or child of an addict), the struggles are very, very similar.
Anyway...welcome again...I'm so glad you're here and I hope you stick around!!
You are definitely among friends here...
I too was married to an addict...We were married for 8 years and he developed a heroin addiction about 1/2 way into our marriage. We have an 8 yr old little boy. Addiction destroys anything and everything that should be sacred in marriage. So much heartache and fear...
I am sorry that addiction has affected you so deeply. You are definitely among people who 'get it'. I've learned alot about addiction and how to protect myself from its effects here at SR but the biggest blessing by far about this site has been that I stopped feeling so all alone. I used to feel like no one could possibly understand what I was going thru...or how I felt...until I found SR. Although our relationship with the addict might be different (whether we are a parent, significant other, friend, or child of an addict), the struggles are very, very similar.
Anyway...welcome again...I'm so glad you're here and I hope you stick around!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Bucks County PA
Posts: 1,343
Welcome to SR, my AH doc is crack as well. Hes been using for about 15yrs, we've been married for 10. He too was a "functioning" addict and paid (sort of) the bills. But what I realized the most when I left four months ago was that he was only functioning because I was there to hold his hand and make sure things got done. I too took his paychecks and put them in my acct to pay the bills, take of the kids (I have 4) etc. Once I left, he lost our house, his truck, lost his business and got put in jail for not paying fines, so in end he wasn't really functioning at all. I was just enabling him to death. Literally. Going to meetings has helped me quite a bit as well as this site. Take of yourself and hope to hear how you're doing.
Jenna
Jenna
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere, out there...
Posts: 512
welcome hh
i can't explain what all the people i've met here at sr mean to me - they've helped more than anyone - by sharing experiences and their truth - it overwhelms me...
godspeed,
s
i can't explain what all the people i've met here at sr mean to me - they've helped more than anyone - by sharing experiences and their truth - it overwhelms me...
godspeed,
s
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