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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Part 8

Old 05-15-2007, 01:07 PM
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cinder i feel the same way, though, with the situation with my ah, i just don't know, i think he did not leave on good terms, and while he was here claiming sober, because i was not so receptive of him and his advances, i did tell him that i wanted him gone and that i hated him. it feels like my actions may have been what sent him off using and whatever else he's doing again. i guess i kind of feel a little guilty but i really didn't mean all of what was said, but i did mean that because i didn't trust him not to cheat while on these binges, i couldn't allow myself to be involved with him like he may have thought i should have been.
Dont feel guilty Teke. He has to learn to cope with life on lifes terms and that would include his wife that he's treated badly wanting little to do with him. You were a wreck while he was home, look at how much you accomplished since he's been gone...
You didnt cause his problem, You dont control him into using, and you cant cure it. He chose to bury his feelings to numbness, why? because he was choosing to live in a fantasy world.
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Old 05-15-2007, 01:08 PM
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I keep telling myself Teke what youve always said, if he really loves me and if he ever gets better, that love will still be there
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Old 05-15-2007, 01:12 PM
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thanks cinder, i need to hear you say that to me too. i think sometimes we can give others advice that we need at some point, someone to give it back. its like we are in this together and have to lift each other up at times.
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Old 05-15-2007, 01:18 PM
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thanks anvil, i guess i needed to hear that too. i don't know, i do get that "helpless ah" attitude sometimes. your right, he has chosen the life he wants and it does not include us
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Old 05-15-2007, 01:20 PM
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I agree Teke. I think I started falling apart because I always thought when AH disappeared years ago that he and his ex were already separated, but truthfully no more than we are. That ha\s me struck weird. However, I believe our relationship is different. I know he loves me and his actions, even him not contacting (which I had instructed, but not like him) has nothing to do with me, but more about wherever he is at mentally.
Its still hard. I still think of him as my soul mate. For now I have to remember my soul mate has not really living. And if he finds another enabler woman then that, as much as it hurts, is a reflection of his no esteem, and a gift from my higher power setting me free.
Maybe its true some things we are not meant to know.
I dont want to hear from him, it would be too hard, but that doesnt mean I dont worry
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Old 05-15-2007, 01:22 PM
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Teke, I think like My MIL said to me today, you and I need to do. When we worry when we havent heard anything and/or we know they are using we need to get Mad. Mad that they arent being fathers and husbands. Mine should be out there getting his life together to win me back like he promised and if he's not I need to be mad.

Its when we get these sad feelings taht they show up, and we feel all relieves we fall upon emotions, our brains stop thinking for us and out hearts get us all tangled up again. I for one cant let that happen and I know you cant either
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Old 05-15-2007, 01:38 PM
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Here I am!!

Sorry I didnt get to read through everything. I came to work only to get a call saying that Michael has fever again and pulling at the ears. I leave work go get him take him to the docs, meet abf's mom at the pharmacy put in the prescription and leave to be back at work. I am so freaking exhausted its not even funny. While I am doing all this abf is laying on his behing oblivious to whats going on just because he doesnt have a cell phone. Last night he gave me money to hold for him but guess what I had to use 80 of it on transportation, docs and the prescriptions... oh well he only has about twenty or thirty left.
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Old 05-15-2007, 01:41 PM
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teke, anvil and cinder are right, you are absolutely not responsible for his using. its hard not to feel guilty but he DOES have choices and chose the wrong one, over and over again, thats his fault, not yours. i also agree with cinder about being mad, if you give into the sadness and let that overcome you it can control you, but when your mad, at least for me, its empowering. now if only I could use that empowerment for good, instead of evil thoughts of how to really screw it to AH, just kidding LOL.
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Old 05-15-2007, 01:42 PM
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SORRY JEWELZ, SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN REALLY BUSY, hope things settle soon and that lil man feels better soon.
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Old 05-15-2007, 01:43 PM
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anvil, please DO NOT shut up, you are sooo right. keep talking anytime!!
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Old 05-15-2007, 01:44 PM
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Jewelz, apparently 10 tsps of childrens ibprofen will not hurt a 32 pounder and he sure slept well and woke happy.

Not that Im suggesting anything....

When Garrett had an ear infection lots of ibprofen.

Consider it abf's turn to pay for Mikies care.
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Old 05-15-2007, 01:45 PM
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anvil, thank you once again the truth may not be exactly what my heart wants to hear but rather what my head needs to hear.

Hugs,
Jewel
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Old 05-15-2007, 01:49 PM
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Anvil keep talking your right. So you know I was using those comments to get me mad and to help let go. Im on the opposite end of the hormone trial today, the one where I feel needy happens everymonth but this time instead of searching out where Ill feel even more needy Im sharing it here with you guys, so it becomes no more than just a feeling.

I can quit talking anytime too, but I prefer to type it out than let it consume me, hope you guys dont mind
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Old 05-15-2007, 01:49 PM
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ok anvil, it is what it is, though i wished that i could make it be something else. don't know what else, but something else. you are right and i do know that you are trying to get us to hear the bare truth.
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Old 05-15-2007, 01:52 PM
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Sometimes the concept of the truth is the hardest thing to grasp. We've lived in our fantasys waiting for so long, its hard to change that
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Old 05-15-2007, 01:52 PM
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no cinder, go right ahead and type out your thoughts and feelings.

anvil, i think i NEED you to keep talking, need to hear the truth so thank you so much
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Old 05-15-2007, 01:57 PM
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i gues its like it is with the addict, people can tell them what they have to do, all day long but if they can't hear or grasp what is said, it has no real meaning. i guess thats partly why its always said in meetings, to keep coming back more will be revealed. its revealed knowledge that gets heard in a soulish kind of way,huh?
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Old 05-15-2007, 02:03 PM
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I think what else keeps going through my head was 9 weeks ago when he was thinking it through and every word he spoke seemed like recovery. He went 13 days straight and then boom, 2 weeks later I was throwing him out again. Sometimes I wonder where is that man who said his family was more exciting, that looked forward to going to bed with me at tonight and getting up every morning watching the turtles? Thats the man whose dead to me, the one im still mourning
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Old 05-15-2007, 02:15 PM
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You know at times I am okay with him I cant think of the word.. I dont go crazy or insane I take it for what it is. But I think lately its getting to me more now that i see the progressiveness (SP) in him. I doubt he even sees it. For examply he got paid yesterday when he came home from work last night at about 10pm I was already knocked out sleeping. I woke up enough to get the money and went back to sleep with no worries. I woke this morning and see my cell phone not next to my night stand but rather in the living room... weird right... nope I look at the phone and see a call was placed at 11pm for car service and to a "strange number". I saw that strange number last week as a miss call from my phone I didnt know who it was or anything and didnt think much about it. Well this morning I realized he left last night to get drugs and used my cell phone to call the dealer... just beautiful right. I wanted to flip out so bad this morning.. I cursed, yelled quietly and told him I dont need the cops or his drug dealer to have my number. It's getting worse and I know I cant do anything. I feel like at times I am grasping for straws with him.
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Old 05-15-2007, 02:19 PM
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cinder, like you said, it is "mourning", its a process and i think in time it does get easier. at least i hope so. my AH gets out of jail this Thurs so i give him about two weeks before he has some $ to go and use which i know he will. right now of course hes talking all about how hes changed, never gonna "do me wrong" again. yeah right, heard that the last 2 times he was in jail. i really don't believe that he'll ever get clean, i think he'll die from some drug related cause. its a very sad waste of a human life and in the end my kids are the ones who will suffer the most if they loose their father, but there isn't crap i can do about it but sit back and watch it all happen. i just hope that when my kids are older and i explain why their father wasn't around, it will keep them from trying drugs,not sure i could endure watching one of my children struggle with addiction.
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