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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Part 8

Old 05-14-2007, 01:58 PM
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Its just so sad. Crack is one drug i can not figure out. I look at my abf and know without a doubt he does not enjoy it but when it calls him he answers the call. Why would someone want to feel that way paranoid, losing weight, not eating, not wanting to be around anyone, making weird faces, lose them self, lose there kids, lose their families. I dont get it, just dont understand it all I ask myself inside is WHY!

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Old 05-14-2007, 02:02 PM
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me too Jewelz. That part has me so baffled. Someone has to be feeding them. The cats were still running round, so thats a good sign. I just dont know. Someone has to be taking care of them. BIL always always has strong stomach pain when he drinks, usually end s up in hospital. Twice, last time 10 days ago showed up at MILS wanting to go to detox, she said then start walking, they wouldnt take him...
...and AHs voice was hoarse when he called 10 days ago I just cant imagine how they are living. Checked jail rosters and they are not there. MIL checked hospitals no sign...it sure makes you wonder, we all thought for sure Id hear from them this past weekend.
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Old 05-14-2007, 02:07 PM
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M etoo Jewelz.

AH's old drug court pals told me, losing me was AHs greatest fear and that I amy ahve to leave some day to save him. That was a year ago. He spent the next 4 months in jail and we've been on and off a few times since then, never this long, never without constant calls. (Thats why the calls in the begiinning asking "I can fix this right?")
Even BIL told me a few years ago, if you leave he'll stop and follow you...
I didnt expect 100% however I did expect him to try. and he did those first few weeks, thats why I was taking him to work, then he quit got paid and bolted...
...he just gave up.

I dont get it. When sober, he's never ever stayed away, never...
I dont think he's sober
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Old 05-14-2007, 02:08 PM
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are you sure they are still at the home?
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Old 05-14-2007, 02:08 PM
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i have to go get my son but before i do i want to say that even the addict probably can't figure out the answers to you guys questions. how can they do it, im sure your addicts can't figure out how they keep doing it either.

ever seen the exorcist, the movie? it like a demon or something possesses the body and you really don't worry too much about what youre doing as long as their is drugs or money to get more drugs, its kind of like when all the dope is gone and there is no more money, you wake up and its like omg, what have i done.

its awful yall, thats why they have to be willing to do WHATEVER they have to do to get clean. its the hardest thing i ever had to do. be back in a min
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Old 05-14-2007, 02:12 PM
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Teke, that remind me last summer, he was in what I called D's reality land.
Buying weed right in front of cops with a warrant out. If you brought them to his attention his response was they will not mess with me.

He had that attitude right up until he was walking and walked in the middle of cops looking for guys who stole a car, he got spooked and scared and thats the only reason he was arrested.

Jewelz,
Your right I dont know for sure they are still there, but they have nowhere to go. Truthfully nowhere and noone
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Old 05-14-2007, 02:18 PM
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Thanks teke, Yesterday my abf told me that I have no idea how he prays to god not to use and that he doesnt want to touch the stuff but that once it gets in his head he cant help not using. You know I believe him but I also believe that he hasnt suffered enough to stop using.
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Old 05-14-2007, 02:21 PM
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cinder, i thinks its pretty obvious from what you said before (what sane person puts blankets over their windows!) that hes not sober. hearing all you have to say makes me very afraid of what my crackhead will end up like as soon as he gets out of jail (thurs). i'm thinking its OK to still love them, they are still human beings, they have good somewhere in there, but for own sake and our kids, we just have to stay away from them. pray for them is about all we can do. i know it must be driving you nuts not having heard from him, but maybe its for the best, since hes using, do you really want to hear what he has to say anyway? love him, but let go ( i know, easier said than done)
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Old 05-14-2007, 02:21 PM
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I believe my husband prays afterwords, not when he first gets the thought. But thats just my opinion. Who he may pray not to use as he guzzles a bottle of whiskey.
At church yesterday they said we have to have faith that Gods gonna answer our prays in then work in accord with them.

And I just dont believe AH is doing that.
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Old 05-14-2007, 02:26 PM
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Im glad ive not heard from him I just wish someone had. Like I said earlier the person I love is dead to me, he could come back but until he's a functioning member of society he's dead. I cannot look at it anyway.

However, with a "dead"husband and no social security payments I have to do something about these bozos squatting in my old house. I dont want to, for Goodness sakes I rescue stray animals, but I cant provide a roof over their heads forever. I wish I could finish that letter and I wish I had started calling investers. oh well its only Monday.

Look everyone in eastern time zone its almost time to head home
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Old 05-14-2007, 02:30 PM
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yep yep yep I noticed that to..... 32 minutes til five yippeee.

You know Cindi you have been through a lot. I think you should write everything down all your goals that you want to accomplish and just go down the list. You dont need to do everything quickly only at your time frame to where your comfortable doing. Hugs to you!

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Old 05-14-2007, 02:37 PM
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wow, almost 5!! got to wrap up this mess on my desk, cinder, after you put the kids to bed, take a long hot bubble bath, that always helps me! well got to get home my munchins, talk to yous in the AM.
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Old 05-14-2007, 02:38 PM
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I think I will. Didnt take one last night and today it seems perfect
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Old 05-14-2007, 02:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Jewelz View Post
yep yep yep I noticed that to..... 32 minutes til five yippeee.

You know Cindi you have been through a lot. I think you should write everything down all your goals that you want to accomplish and just go down the list. You dont need to do everything quickly only at your time frame to where your comfortable doing. Hugs to you!

jewel
I have 5 lists. Im a great list maker, where do I start.
LOL
Thanks. Ive learned some hard lessons, and Im not half as sympathetic to people anymore. I look at my sister and fear she's gonna learn the same hard way, but theres no talking to her. We are different you know. LOL, Yeah she is more stubborn and more spoiled, the lessons for her may be more painful, I sure hope not
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Old 05-14-2007, 02:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Jewelz View Post
Thanks teke, Yesterday my abf told me that I have no idea how he prays to god not to use and that he doesnt want to touch the stuff but that once it gets in his head he cant help not using. You know I believe him but I also believe that he hasnt suffered enough to stop using.

jewelz, it got so bad for me at one time, for awhile i would literally cry out, screaming and hollering like i thought that would help god to hear me, crying out god when can i stop. i believe that addicts don't want to do the things they do, its like something abnormal takes over the body. this mind thinks one thing and the body does something else.

you're right cinder, as soon as that thought comes to mind to use drugs, i had to imediately change the thought somehow. i mean i had to pray, bite my tongue, almost handcuff myself to something, anything i could possibly do to stop that voice or that urge to GO. it take a lot of prayer and determination. it gets so hard to fight that unless a power from above intervene, then its like you can not have to power to resist. so when they say they are not gonna use anymore, i think they really mean it when they say it, only when the urge hits, they just don't have the power to resist.
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Old 05-14-2007, 02:47 PM
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I'm horrible with list I write them down and forget about them. But I think with this new position I am gonna have to learn to use it.

I was thinking about purchasing paint friday or saturday morning and start painting my kitchen and the hallway that leads to the bedrooms. I havent painted in years and I want a pick me up for my home. I want the kitchen and the hallway done before memorial day. I always have a barbq that day and when abf's mom comes to the house she likes to inspect how clean it is.. I want it to look good for me and also to show that abf has brought me down!!

Cindi, I am praying for you tonight.
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Old 05-14-2007, 02:51 PM
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Thanks Jewelz. I keep saying Im gonna paint too, but this weekend I decided it would be too hard to move the curtins blinds and tanks, so Id rather look at dirty walls and blame AH.

LOL.

Or I may leave teh wall with the curtins as an accent wall. I hate the cutting in and clean up work. Top of my list is getting another twin bed for middle kid to move into babys room. Went and priced rent to own ones today, tehn redid my budget, nope cant do that yet.

Thanks Jewelz for the prayers. We all know AH could show up at anytime, the only uncertainty would be his frame of mind.... it does scare me
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Old 05-14-2007, 02:52 PM
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My lil sis is graduating this weekend so my weekend should be full and Im trying to score the boys a Sunday fishing trip with my uncle(for me too-few hours on an island would be great)
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Old 05-14-2007, 02:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Jewelz View Post
Thanks teke, Yesterday my abf told me that I have no idea how he prays to god not to use and that he doesnt want to touch the stuff but that once it gets in his head he cant help not using. You know I believe him but I also believe that he hasnt suffered enough to stop using.
i believe that the suffering part is something that could possibly put the fire under them that will get them sober. they say when the pain of using becomes greater than the pain of being sober, is when they may seek help. the hardest thing for an addict is to admit defeat. i believe they all think that if they just do it this way or that way, there is always another way until they get to the point where they realize that they are powerless over their addiction, that there is no successful way to use and they can' t quit alone.
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Old 05-14-2007, 02:57 PM
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I quoted that to MIL today. Not that it helped
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