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A Penny For Your Thoughts, Part 8

Old 05-12-2007, 05:47 PM
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Thread's been slow today. I hope that means everyones at peace and focusing on themselves.
My day seemed to go fast, even got a little catnap and watched cartoons with kids.

I think tomorrow after my "place of worship" the boys and I may go for a walk on the beach. Maybe take the dog. More peace.

It feels strange, I really havent talken to AH in a week now and last week once very shortly. Its weird he nor his brother has talked to anyone. This is a first. Step FIL was gonna drop some doors AH ordered off at the old house, he was hoping to ahcve no drama, at this point I just hope he sees signs of life.
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Old 05-12-2007, 05:59 PM
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hey guys I went to the party at chucky cheese but I was waiting on a ride for someone so we got there practically when it was over but regardless we had a good time.

I'm home now... feel like I am getting sick again.

I hope everyone enjoyed there saturday!

Hugs,
Jewel
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Old 05-12-2007, 06:27 PM
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hey yall, i'm back for a little while then i'm off again, got to get some rest, sis and mom had their yard sale and just now left going home, i kind of sat with them all day, really doing nothing much but the rain i think, brought on the aches and pains. stepson finally showed up and i guess he just like hangin around, i guess its like when he was little, ah would move out and my ss would just insist on staying or just not leaving with his dad, and i would just continue to keep him and take care of him just like the rest of them. i guess really, i'm the closest thing that he had to a mom so i guess that even though he's grown, he's still gonna hang around from time to time
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Old 05-12-2007, 06:30 PM
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Thats sweet teke.
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Old 05-12-2007, 06:47 PM
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Everyone Im having a hard time tonite. Im just crying out of the blue. I want to file for divorce, I want this pain to go away. I wish I could earase so much from my memory. I want to be normal
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Old 05-12-2007, 06:50 PM
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How does this happen after a good day?
I just dont know
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Old 05-12-2007, 07:07 PM
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No, and Im upset that he's gone. Try to tell myself he's not bugging me out of respect. Truth is he's probably too wrapped up in himself. Then I feel anger.
I ahcve a lot of anger. I think if he was clean long term Id still ahve anger and If I pretended I didnt then I wouldnt be true to me or him
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Old 05-12-2007, 07:12 PM
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I think I feel worse cause I shared my feelings with shrimpguy. I think that made them real where before I was keeping them in, and then I didnt want anyone to see my vulnerable side.

My son and I are getting ready to watch a movie. My son said tell him to come over. I said I cannot, what if Dady came by. SOn said, Mom, he's gone he doesnt care we need to ahve friends over, I want you to be happy. Thats when the tears started flowing.
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Old 05-12-2007, 07:13 PM
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Its hormones too.
Keep repeating this will pass this will pass, in afew days Ill feel better, this will pass
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Old 05-12-2007, 07:13 PM
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sorry cinder. sometimes i get sad when i think about how its not suppose to be this way, then i think why did this have to happen to me. it is sad and i don't know about you but sometimes, i get tried of being strong and want to be able to just break down. kind of hard to greive when you have those little eyes staring at you, thinking that you are just a pillow of strength and joy. i think maybe its time for you to go ahead and feel what you feel, get it out, then try to move past the pain. it can't hurt forever, one day at a time we'll get through all of this
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Old 05-12-2007, 08:32 PM
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i was going to the store then all of a sudden i had a though about my ah, and i do believe that he's out using, i may be wrong but its what i believe and i do have an idea of what goes along with his using and it dawned on me, that its not about me and it was nothing that i did or didn't do to cause him to do this. he's an addict and his addiction won't allow him to do what he really wants to do and i imagine that as bad as he wants to stick to boundaries, its just too hard to do without help and determination.

i remember how bad i felt because i just couldn't do the right thing. i wanted to so badly. it was like i HAD to go to rehab and that is one place and one situation that i want so badly to avoid. for some reason, thats the hardest thing for an addict to decide to do. not to excuse the addict, just thinking how i felt so bad for so many yrs, thinking that i was not good enough to keep my ah from going to the streets but i just realized that his going to the streets, had nothing to do with me. i guess its a kind of lightbulb moment.
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Old 05-12-2007, 08:37 PM
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Thanks for sharing Teke, course now Im crying wanting to hug AH again.

I have to remember I cant help him get clean, he has to feel all the pain and if in that process I finalize things and move forward thats part of the process, that wouldnt mean I didnt love him, but That I loved me and my kids more. As long as Im depressed and dealing with this Im not helping us get things together spirtually, and as a mom thats my job (does taht make sense?)
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Old 05-12-2007, 08:52 PM
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it does makes sense cinder, thats what makes it so hard, seems like we not only have to get through it for ourselves but we also have to do it for the little ones, so for me, it means that i have to be strong even when i don't feel like i can be.
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Old 05-13-2007, 12:44 AM
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Jumping in here to talk briefly. Doing a little better today than I was the other day. Still sad about some things that happened a couple of months ago with some friends betraying me but I am just becoming more and more accepting of that. The truth is that I've finally had to learn that people are not always safe. I have a real lack of boundaries when it comes to talking to people and just blurt things out that some people would never tell others. I've paid dearly for being open about myself this time and I need to let the damage from that particular situation just sift into the past and take my lessons and move forward. Thanks for giving me this little space, and I hope everyone is doing well and having a great weekend.
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Old 05-13-2007, 02:57 AM
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glad you're feeling a little better and that you've decided to put the past behind you. whats done is done. sometimes you just can't undo the past. i'm learning to choose very carefully who do i tell what to. hurting people hurt people and i believe thats just the way it is. still praying for ya.
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Old 05-13-2007, 05:42 AM
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As I was starting to rouse this morning, I got a wiff of that nasty stale whiskey and smoke smell...
...thank goodness it was really only a smelly dog ready to lick me good morning. Fear definately stepped in for a moment. All the more reason to move forward and farther away from Ah, but my heart strings feel so torn still. Like MIl says love has nothing to do with this. She called last night wanting to know if I had a minimal life insurance policy on AH. Evidentally a recovering friend of hers brought it to her attention how close they really are to death and how expensive final arrangements can be. I dont and cant imagine what I would do but the sad fact that could be reality hit hard

So once again this morning I feel so mixed up emotionally and I keep praying for this pain to stop.
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Old 05-13-2007, 08:00 AM
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Ah cinders I am sorry about the way your feeling and I'm sorry that the still hasnt reached his bottom its so hard to hear about and to watch. Tell your MIL u dont want to know anymore. People sometimes see it much worse than what it really is. Its ok to miss him and its ok to be sad its all ok. Time my dear just time.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO U ALL!!!!
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Old 05-13-2007, 08:18 AM
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If something did happen isnt their organizations that would help with cremation costs?

I think that would just make more sense. I cannot worry about it.

I think my funk is hormonal (I get depo shot and Im due for the next) So for this weekend Im giving in to it. Gonna lay round and veg
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Old 05-13-2007, 08:23 AM
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sorry you're feeling bad today cinder, i'm with kj, it doesn't have to be that bad and its to be expected that you feel this way today, after all its a special day for you.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY, I PRAY THAT YOU HAVE A GOOD ONE.
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Old 05-13-2007, 08:26 AM
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Thanks Anvil,

Happy Mothers Day To You Too, Hope You Enjoy Your Day
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