itiswhatitis...

hi everyone - i need advice, opinions, a gentle nudge...

i have had physical custody of my two nephews (lil guys 2 & 4 yrs old) for 3 months now - my sister and her bf (lil guys dad) were heavily into crack - they had no contact for almost 2 months - called once were going to get help - call kids, etc - nothing for a few weeks and then...

my sister went into a rehab facility - she was released yesterday - i talked to lil guys dad and he tells me he is going to an outpatient facility - doesn't know when - doesn't have a problem - sister was scared to leave rehab 2 days ago and now - lil guys dad called last ;nite and they want to come pick up the kids saturday - after three months - 5 phone calls (most in the last 2 days) - one week of rehab - they are all of a sudden ready for the kids - my sister has two older boys who were with their dad for the weekend (when all hell broke loose and my mom took the lil guys out of their house <with sisters and bf's blessing> and i called dcfs in IL and the lil guys came to my house in IN and i called cps here) my ex bil has full custody of the older boys and lives in illinois - my sister never showed up in court to dispute anything so now she feels if all she has left is lil guys - i never filed for formal custody of lil guys as sister and her bf sent a letter stating the grant temporary custody of lil guys to my husband and myself - that was all i really wanted so if anything happened to lil guys i could bring them to my pediatrician (she told me what she needed) - so this brings me to my question...

what should i do? - i know they are not ready to take the kids home - i do think they should be able to see the lil guys and the lil guys want to see them - but i don't want to be the bad guy and not let them go home (which is 4 hours away in a different state) - do i make them prove something to dcfs in IL (who in a letter stated they felt it was in the childrens best interest to be place with me based on the parents abandonment and the interview with child protective services in indiana) - do i make them show me some sort of recovery plan? - what their plans are? - i'm grasping at straws here - i don't want to involve government agencies if i don't have to - i'm just looking for some guidance, opinions, etc...

thanks for anything you can offer...

love,
s

Hurtbad2505

I would do everything I can to let them slowly bring the lil ones back into their life, if you are willing to keep them for a while longer until their parents are really and truly able to take care of them for the long haul, I think you should do anything you can to protect them.

If I remember correctly, the conditions at home were pretty bad when they came to stay with you? It would be terrible if after a few weeks (we all know how fast they fall) they have to go through that again. Hopefully your sister will be open to weekend visits, and open contact with them while she gets firmly back on her feet again.

I'm sure it's possible for 'some' addicts to clean up quickly when they know their children are in jeopardy, but I don't put much faith in 'that' fast of a recovery.

And yes, I would involve the dcfs in IL if that is what it takes....not that I advocate lying, but maybe if you tell your Sis that the kids can't go back there without notifying the state, she will be more open to taking it slow....

hope213

in our state you have temporary custody until the courts take it away from you & give it back to the parent or whoever. you just do not turn the kids over to whomever. my addict son has let his kids bring him down a many of time because he was not ready for that responsibitly. it is totally up to you what u do. i think it would be ok if they saw them supervised. i will say say a prayer for all of you.

parentrecovers

i agree with anvil on this one. blessings, k

itiswhatitis...

thanks guys -

that's what my heart tells me - and i think they probably realize that's whats best - my head tells me they've been sober a couple of weeks and they want to see their kids - and i'll have to pick up the pieces of whatever they tell them - i just wonder what sort of things i should realistically ask of them - and hurtbad - i haven no problem with a little white lie - i just have to not get into their manipulation - and really do what's best for the kids - and for now i think that's letting them stay put until my sister and bf can show me some kind of recovery plan - don't you think....

love,
s

GwenMarie30

My 1st thought when I read the post was to just scream no, no, no, NO! I absolutely hate it when kids are hurt the most by addiction. They are so small and helpless and can not fathom why they are being hurt, abandoned,starved, beaten, screamed at. Their little minds turn this into something they did to desreve this.

I am a recovering addict. And yes I am a mother of three from the ages of 12, 10 and 2. I never once layed a hand on any of my kids or starved them of food. BUt I di yell at them for my patience was nothing, they were starved for my affection, and I did abandon them in one way or another in the fact that I had to leave my home for almost ayear to go to treatment and prove to my childrens father and Division Of Family Services that I was worth being a mom again. I still sit here in overwhelming agony of what I have done to my kids and family from all my years of hell I put them through while an addict. Let me tell you I have jumped through hoops, hurdled ever possible obstical and walked through my own hell just to have the privlige of being called mom again. I have been clean a year and a half now. I spent that first year in rehab. I have no relapses as to date yet. I still work tirelessly at staying and being a better mom everyday.

I never abondoned my kids by choice. I never gave up wanting to be with them. But I did give up that right when I was using. By the Grace of God your sister has had you to care for her children. Keep caring for them by making her prove herself. A week of rehab and she thinks she is better and ready to be mom again? Maybe. But why not prove it by letting you keep kids until she proves she is better by getting a job and holding it, having a home for those kids and stuff in their rooms, having food in the pantry, having the things an addict needs for recovery like meetings and a sponsor and a litlle clean time.
I am sorry if this came across as harsh, but I have stood up and applauded you for the kindness you have shown to these kids and your sister. I have cried from your post. This stuff hits really close to home for me. I am sorry. But I can say what Hurtbad has said seem a really good solution.

GwenMarie30

I have pictured my son who is 2 and connot understand all that I have done, saying who will hold me now. Thankfully, I am able to hold him now. I think I will go now and go hold my son right now and say a prayer to my HP thankfull that I am here to hold him now.

teke

i kind of like what gwen and hurtbad had to say, i had to earn the right to keep my kids, not that i had abandoned them but because i no longer wanted to be in an addictive relationship that was a trigger for my own addiction, i had to go through that. if they want them back bad enough, they'll be willing to go to any length to get them back and do it with patience. keeping you and yours in my prayers.

caileesnana

Do what is best for the children. They can't help themselves.

patchoulli

You are such a great aunt...How lucky they are to have you........Marian

dollydo

Until the court rules that you no longer have temporary custody, I would only allow visits where you are present. This is all too soon, and, the children will suffer.

You are a wonderful person, and I applaude you for taking care of the children, who have no say in their life or future.

liesagain

One thing I want to mention is that in our state you MUST have the temporary consent form filed with the court.............not sure where you live but I would start with the state statues, and see what it says about Temporary custody..........and if it doesnt cover you and the kids......then if your sister tries or even says they are taking them call CPS and file a report and let them step in..................then your sisiter will have to follow a case plan outline of actions to prove her ability to be a fit parent, and while she works on this the children remain with you.............and after a resonable time she doesnt show shes fit.....then the court could leave them with you...................permanantely

Ann

As laws vary from area to area, I would seek legal advice and do whatever is necessary to ensure that the best interests of the child are protected.

I think it is a good thing what you have done and these children are blessed to have you in their lives.

Hugs

itiswhatitis...

thanks everybody,

gwen,
i am overwhelmed by your response, your honesty, your love - thanks so much for sharing your heart with me - what goes around comes around and your days will be filled with great things - i know that...

i never filed for *formal custody* in court - dcfs and cps are both up to speed on what i've done - i guess i just didn't know if i really wanted custody for the next 16 years if something happened to the parents - an attorney i spoke to told me what filing for custody would cost and entail - a gramma who has custody of her grandkids told me her attorney had her daughter sign a letter stating she *granted temporary custody/guardianship of her kids to her* that way she could get medical help, etc... - the attorney i spoke with told me that was fine - if i had that letter signed by both parents i could get them medical help if they needed and i wouldn't have to become a permanent guardian - i felt like i would be willing to take these lil guys as long as need be - but ultimately did what i felt like i needed to do at the time - there are moments when i think i've messed things up for everyone - for my immediate family - with my husband and my kids - and then there are moments of pure joy watching the kids experience something - they are what's important in all of this - the kids and keeping them safe...

but i do feel as if they need their parents - when they talk to them they light up - they also know they won't go home until their mom and dad are all better - i guess i don't have the tools to gauge them being better - i know when their lying through their teeth - and i don't want to go through this again (having the kids adjust to new surroundings cuz mom and dad are locking food in the basemen, etc.)

i think i should hav e them read what you have written - would that be allright with all of you? if i printed off what all of you have said? i won't do that if it is breaking anyrules or anything - i just want to do the right thing - and it isn't easy...

lo9ve,
s

BigSis

I don't think there are any rules that say you can't print what we write here... you just wouldn't want to publish it into a book and sell it for a million bucks on Amazon... grin.

If you believe the words here are at a level the kids can understand, I can't see why you wouldn't want to let them know there are many of us here who care very much about the addicts in our lives, and the children of those addicts.

When they get to their teens and pre-teens, there is a wonderful group called Ala-teen that they might find very, very helpful.

I wish you the best....

itiswhatitis...

big sis -

thanks - i never thought about the book idea ...i'll split the profits....

i was going to print off the responses for my sister and her bf to read - just to give them an idea of what others have gone through - i really don't know what to do but i will figure it out -and to know that all of you will listen and help means more to me than you can imagine..

love,
s

GwenMarie30

You have such good intentions Itis. I dont know how they will react to seeing anything you have from here. In an addicts way of thinking even in early recovery there is still a certain amount of denial. For me I said even in early recovery that no one knew what it was like for me and that I never treated my kids like that. I was mad as hell mainly trying to hide from my own guilt. How dare someone try to keep my kids from me! That was my thinking. It was what I thought was justified anger. An addict isnt going to realize their behavior to their kids and everyone else in just a week of recovery. The 1st response is "Im clean now, give me back what is mine." In plainer words they want everything to be peachy now that they are clean and want instant gratifications. Noone ever really wants to know just how much pain they have caused someone else. They just want to pick up like nothing really bad has happened. And Im sorry just wont cut it. There has to be consequences and something more than words to make up for the things an addict does. And addicts words are meaningless in addiction and even until they can fully comprehend what their actions have wrought.For me even today I am having a hard time facing the consequences of my drug using. I am facing jail time even prison time soon. My thoughts are that Ive done so much to change how can this still be happening? Well, its happening because I did it.

It took me over a year to really learn just how much damage Ive done to my kids and still realizing the effects even today. They still are suffering the consequences of my drug use such as my jail time every weekend. And now my girls are of an age they are beginning to wonder about my drug use fully.

I pray for you for strength in the days ahead. I hope for the childrens sake that your HP will guide you in what is best for them and for you. I even pray for your sister and her bf to realize just how lucky they are and for them to find the wisdom to do what is best for themselves and more importantly for their kids and that they are able to remain clean and get their family back together.