Lonely & sad- not sure why
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Lonely & sad- not sure why
Posted earlier today about my confusion.
Just been feeling so sad...
And lonely.
But I can't figure out why- it's not the panic and anxiety induced tears- it's more like grief- an overwhelming sadness. Like I feel defeated.
Oh don't get me wrong- the anxiety and worry and obsession keep threatening to sneak back in
I'm trying to beat them back with reminding myself that I cannot control others, only myself.
Just don't get it. I KNOW BF is an addict. I KNOW what addicts do. I KNOW i can't control his recovery or even ensure that he is IN recovery as he claims.
Just alot of pain right now.
Maybe I am still stuck in the fantasy of what I want to be...
Regardless I just feel alot of loss...
Just been feeling so sad...
And lonely.
But I can't figure out why- it's not the panic and anxiety induced tears- it's more like grief- an overwhelming sadness. Like I feel defeated.
Oh don't get me wrong- the anxiety and worry and obsession keep threatening to sneak back in
I'm trying to beat them back with reminding myself that I cannot control others, only myself.
Just don't get it. I KNOW BF is an addict. I KNOW what addicts do. I KNOW i can't control his recovery or even ensure that he is IN recovery as he claims.
Just alot of pain right now.
Maybe I am still stuck in the fantasy of what I want to be...
Regardless I just feel alot of loss...
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Intellectual knowing is not the same as emotional knowing....
I can cram for tests, I can read a bazillion books, I can research and study and cram my brain full of all sorts of facts regarding addiction.
But my progress has not been any faster than anyone here. I learn emotionally the same way others do - by doing. By having experiences and feelings.... and sadness.
What I know today is that "This too, shall pass". Ann told me that the difference between a good day and a bad day ... is about 2 days (and sometimes, even less).
Feel the feelings... try to identify them (I do that by writing about them) and if you need to, pray for guidance and comfort.
Better days are coming... ((((Heather))))
I can cram for tests, I can read a bazillion books, I can research and study and cram my brain full of all sorts of facts regarding addiction.
But my progress has not been any faster than anyone here. I learn emotionally the same way others do - by doing. By having experiences and feelings.... and sadness.
What I know today is that "This too, shall pass". Ann told me that the difference between a good day and a bad day ... is about 2 days (and sometimes, even less).
Feel the feelings... try to identify them (I do that by writing about them) and if you need to, pray for guidance and comfort.
Better days are coming... ((((Heather))))
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i agree with bigsis, writing has always helped me more than you'll ever know until you try it for yourself. i think that its normal to feel the sadness and loneliness, but maybe its time for you to do something that will occupy your time and your mind. focus on you rather than on him, your relationship with him and what hes doing or not doing. maybe it would help if you write yourself a letter describing what you want you life to look like in the near future and work toward that goal. maybe make a list of all the things you want out of this relationship and another list of all that you are getting, see which list wins out. the choice is yours to feel better, its ok to feel the feeling, just like bigsis says, but it up to you to stay struck there. i'm praying for peace for you. keeping you and yours in my prayers
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I'm sorry, HK.
I remember how that feels. I can only say that if you keep moving your feet and stepping in the direction that you know is healthy for you (some folks would call that "fake it 'til you make it") then it really, honestly DOES get better. But I know how it feels. It was, for me, a mixture of lonely, depressed, sad, and exhausted. It felt like defeat, but I know now that it was only because I wasn't used to it.
My old therapist explained it this way: we all have this painting in our head of the life we want. When you spend a lot of time with someone, loving them, you paint them into the picture: it's you, and them, and they're healthy and supportive and loving and sober, and you're both smiling as you head off into the sunset together.
It takes an enormous effort -- a huge, exhausting, tearful effort -- to take down that painting and try painting another one that may not have him in it. You're getting closer to the point where you'll know whether you want him in it or not, and it's weighing so heavily on you. (A friend says, "the closer you get to the gates, the louder the lions roar")
Keep walking. With us. We're all trying to head in the same direction, and we can each take an elbow and help you get through the tough patches if you'll let us. I have some lion repellent with me too.
You WILL be okay. Your painting will be a masterpiece, no matter what, if you keep the focus on you, your values, and your dreams.
Hugs,
GL
I remember how that feels. I can only say that if you keep moving your feet and stepping in the direction that you know is healthy for you (some folks would call that "fake it 'til you make it") then it really, honestly DOES get better. But I know how it feels. It was, for me, a mixture of lonely, depressed, sad, and exhausted. It felt like defeat, but I know now that it was only because I wasn't used to it.
My old therapist explained it this way: we all have this painting in our head of the life we want. When you spend a lot of time with someone, loving them, you paint them into the picture: it's you, and them, and they're healthy and supportive and loving and sober, and you're both smiling as you head off into the sunset together.
It takes an enormous effort -- a huge, exhausting, tearful effort -- to take down that painting and try painting another one that may not have him in it. You're getting closer to the point where you'll know whether you want him in it or not, and it's weighing so heavily on you. (A friend says, "the closer you get to the gates, the louder the lions roar")
Keep walking. With us. We're all trying to head in the same direction, and we can each take an elbow and help you get through the tough patches if you'll let us. I have some lion repellent with me too.
You WILL be okay. Your painting will be a masterpiece, no matter what, if you keep the focus on you, your values, and your dreams.
Hugs,
GL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Thank you all.
Just experiencing a different kind of sadness today.
Defeat I suppose.
There is definitely no trust. Is that even possible so soon after an addict claims to have "changed his ways" and is in recovery?
I'm really trying to accept the fact that all of this is beyond my control. Maybe that is what is making me so upset.
Alot has changed but the lack of trust and my constant suspicions really do not allow me to enjoy much.
As always thanks for listening all.
Just experiencing a different kind of sadness today.
Defeat I suppose.
There is definitely no trust. Is that even possible so soon after an addict claims to have "changed his ways" and is in recovery?
I'm really trying to accept the fact that all of this is beyond my control. Maybe that is what is making me so upset.
Alot has changed but the lack of trust and my constant suspicions really do not allow me to enjoy much.
As always thanks for listening all.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I have had that feeling alot through the years. Its that feeling that lead me to bad relationships, yet I still felt alone. Finally Im learning that is a void only me with help from my HP can fill. I hope you get there too
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: punta gorda florida
Posts: 381
perfectly put above. Intellectual knowing is not the same as emotional knowing[emotional knowing translates to feelings]and they can hurt. Tomorrow will be better, I'm thinking about you...Marian
Let me grow up.
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Charles, LA
Posts: 201
Defeat is such a forceful word, Angel. I don't think it's so much defeat as it is acceptance that we have given our love to someone who is incapable of returning it to the extent that we'd like. I know my exAGF loves me to the extent that her "disease" allows it but I also know she doesn't love me to the degree that I
love(d) her and that's what caused me so much pain.
It's like wanting something you can't have no matter how hard you work for it. And yes, it can be difficult but what's even more difficult is remaining in a "stagnant" relationship. There's nothing healthy about it and you feel there's no progression or growing or maturing in the relationship because essentially the relationship is dead.
You are the only one keeping it alive or sustaining it and the only one making sacrifices. It's not fair to you and not intended for you to be in a relationship that is self-destructive. It does take a great amount of strength to walk away from it because suddenly the role you have taken has become so much a part of your identity that you fear losing a part of yourself if you leave.
But trust me; It's worth it. It's not always easy and yes, you'll "relapse" from time to time (I recently did) but to have peace of mind and a sense of security is priceless. You'll be fine. You're stronger then you know. I mean look at what you've dealt with thus far. When it gets to the point where enough is enough, you'll be ready for it. Best wishes.
love(d) her and that's what caused me so much pain.
It's like wanting something you can't have no matter how hard you work for it. And yes, it can be difficult but what's even more difficult is remaining in a "stagnant" relationship. There's nothing healthy about it and you feel there's no progression or growing or maturing in the relationship because essentially the relationship is dead.
You are the only one keeping it alive or sustaining it and the only one making sacrifices. It's not fair to you and not intended for you to be in a relationship that is self-destructive. It does take a great amount of strength to walk away from it because suddenly the role you have taken has become so much a part of your identity that you fear losing a part of yourself if you leave.
But trust me; It's worth it. It's not always easy and yes, you'll "relapse" from time to time (I recently did) but to have peace of mind and a sense of security is priceless. You'll be fine. You're stronger then you know. I mean look at what you've dealt with thus far. When it gets to the point where enough is enough, you'll be ready for it. Best wishes.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
((HKAngel24))
I think you must be greiving the loss of what it isn't. Does that make sense to you?
One time I posted about "Greiving the child they didn't become". You see I am the mother of a 25 yr. old AD. I had so many hopes and dreams for her......but they aren't happening. You see, I know what it is to grieve the loss of what is not happening.
My heart goes out to you, hon
Much love...........Lo
I think you must be greiving the loss of what it isn't. Does that make sense to you?
One time I posted about "Greiving the child they didn't become". You see I am the mother of a 25 yr. old AD. I had so many hopes and dreams for her......but they aren't happening. You see, I know what it is to grieve the loss of what is not happening.
My heart goes out to you, hon
Much love...........Lo
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